To want to end relationship over this?

[Newishhname]

Name changed as this may be outing.

I have been with DH for 10years. We have three young DC. DH comes across as naturally very intelligent, he is quick witted, very knowledgable however he has failed at every career he has ever tried. I sometimes feel like this is a reason to leave him.

DH is a wonderful father, a patient and kind man. He does more than his fair share of housework, and he is pretty selfless. On the whole our relationship is good although I sometimes am frustrated that he doesn't take much initiative even in things like buying me birthday gifts (he has to be reminded!) and he can be thoughtless in that respect.

He has worked in several different fields since I have known him, he has left all of these roles due to stress or not being able to work to the standard they want. In his current role which is an entry level job (and entry level pay) he has been there two years and they have not progressed him. He has never believed that he is to blame, he is never able to improve. Today he came home and told me that he isn't going to be put on the further training course towards career progression but it isn't his fault and he is sure he will be on it in six months time- this is the same thing he said six months ago.

I am getting so frustrated and don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who cannot financially support me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a kept women but I currently earn twice his salary and I would like the option to one day be supported to retrain just like I have supported him for the last decade. I don't think he can improve at this point. I also find it incredibly embarrassing and unattractive which is probably very shallow of me.

I love him and don't want to leave him but I can't keep having the same argument and feeling the same frustrations and embarrassment over and over, so I think perhaps I have to leave him.

So AIBU to end this relationship because DH doesn't have a career? And if I am BU how do I let go of these frustrations so I don't get resentful?

Please be gentle with me

It sounds like you are already resentful. At this stage I think you should accept him as he is and suck it up or do something about it. He sounds great to me, money isn't everything and you don't sound like you are living hand to mouth. What is more important to you? Relationships are all about compromise.

(If you want the gentle approach, you've probably posted in the wrong place, I'd get it moved to relationships if I were you).

If he is kind, a good dad, easy to live with and you don't have any real financial worries on your combined income, I wouldn't. There's more to life than money. If however you find him unnatractive because of this and that matters more than the rest, end it now. He isn't likely to change unless he finds his passion or figures out why he is failing, neither of which he will do it in denial/apathetic.

Basically up to you! But I would need a better reason to break up my family than "I thought you'd be more successful."

Everyone has a failing, this is his. Nobody else can tell you if you can live with it or not, but in my view it's an awful lot easier to cope with than the violence or cheating that some others put up with.

Can you accept now that he may never earn any significant amount of money? Envisage that for now; whether alone or with him you need to earn more and get an employer to pay for your training, or pay for it yourself, but you're on your own with it. Together or apart is no different, unless you plan to find somebody to bankroll you - and that's rank.

Equality sometimes means taking on different roles in the family than the traditional ones; there are other ways he could support your career such as taking on a greater role with the DC so that you can travel for work etc; that could give you an advantage over those whose DHs put their own career first.

I completely understand where you're coming from - I recently left my partner of 11 years for this exact reason.

For me, it was a build up of many, many different things over the years. I think you have hit the nail on the head when you talk about not feeling supported. I never felt truly supported in terms of finances and money either.

You have children with your partner though, so I think you should take your time to decide if leaving is something you truly want. Don't rush it.

Ultimately I don't think that men like this are capable of changing, or becoming more driven. This is who he is. You have to decide if it's enough for you.

Overall, YANBU.

Yanbu in the nicest possible way, please leave him for both your sakes.

You want to dump your husband because he doesn't have a career? There's more in life than making money it doesn't sound as if you're got it shit financially.

However you can leave a relationship for any reason you want. Free him to find someone who doesn't think he's some sort of failure.

Hmmm. Imagine this the other way round.

Sometimes it doesn’t benefit family life to have both mum and dad in high flying working all hours takes over your life careers.

My DH earns twice as much as me. If I thought that he resented me for not earning as much and not being “successful” I woukd be so upset. I am here for the kids when he isn’t. There are advantages to not being in a high-flying career type role.

I don't think yabu. You're clearly already resentful. If my husband was like this I'd be worried about retirement and how we would live, what would happen if i couldn't work, etc.
I've had partners like this before and it's shit. Trying to motivate someone else is exhausting. Eventually you give up and realise you will have to just focus on being the main provider and never ever be able to slow down or rely on them. And yes it is unattractive and I lost a lot of respect.

It doesn't sound like op is saying she needs him to be high flying. Just not fail at every job and quit.

You actually say he does more than his fair share of housework, too! So he is contributing in other ways. You sound resentful because he is earning less than you as a man. What happened to feminism??

Only you can say if this is a dealbreaker.

I’m very ambitious, I’ve worked hard studying and developing myself and my career and I earn more than DH. I’m up for a promotion which would see me earn 70% more than him, and he’s not on a terrible salary. However he enjoys his job, he had absolutely no desire to do anything else and I’m thrilled that he is happy. I wouldn’t want him to do anything else.

Do you think he is happy as he is and just talks about the possibility vof career progression/training in 6months to please you? I think you are wrong to think he owes it to you to support you because you supported him. Have you spoken to him about your hopes of a career change. Perhaps there are things you could do as a couple to make it happen?

What do you think the issue is at work out of interest? My exh was perfectly capable and intelligent but hated being told what to do so could only work for himself in the end (using the term ‘work’ there loosely.)

I agree with what a previous poster said, there are far worse issues you could have in this relationship, cheating, abusive, addictions etc.
However, I am sure you know that.

It is about your values and what you want from a relationship. To be fair to your OH, he is supportive in other ways.

Do you earn enough to save for your retraining?

If I were you OP, I'd be evaluating my life overall. The grass is not greener, just different.

Mm. He may have a number of things wrong with him. ADHD springs to mind first, or one of the Asperger's variants.

I myself have never progressed being hourly pay, but given I drive a HGV, it's reasonable money. I cannot do people.

Or he's just shit. However, shit people aren't good parents and housekeepers. Up to you, OP.

Sorry but I think YABU and your attitude to him is horrible. You have said he is great in other ways. Aggressively pursuing a career isn't for everyone, if everyone had a high flying six figure career, who would do the lower paid jobs??? Like a PP said leave him and let him find someone who values him for who he is!!!

As others have said, ultimately it's your decision.

If he is bringing in a steady, full-time income in addition to your higher wage, I don't think that suggests financial inadequacy.

You've mentioned wanting to retrain - if you split up, would that goal be any nearer? That is, are you assuming you would quickly meet someone else who is more driven/a higher earner? Of course, that might happen, but if you are considering leaving him on 'material' grounds, you need to compare what you have now to what you'd have as a single woman, because anything else isn't a certainty.

The loss of respect must be difficult, but many people have high-earning partners who've lost their respect for all sorts of reasons.

I am by far the higher earner in my marriage and my DH's job is very basic - but I respect him for other reasons. Yes, it would be great if he was suddenly on the same salary as I am; I'd love to go part time, for instance, but money isn't everything.

I wouldn't end my marriage because my DH earns less than me or lacks ambition to be a high-flyer. We're a team. The DC and our life together is what matters.

If you really resent your husband, then sort out an amicable solution. Separation will be hard. As pp said, the grass isn't always greener.

Only you can decide whether or not to leave your partner. Its not a case of being reasonable or unreasonable, if you don’t love him and don’t want to be with him, that’s reason enough.

That said, you’ve got 3 children together. You must know that if you leave your partner this is going to have a massive impact on them. If you’re financially doing ok, which it sounds like you are, I personally wouldn’t leave just because DH isn’t career minded. He’s working, he’s contributing to the family, he’s involved with his children; he sounds alright to me.

My SiL could be your DH. She is exactly the same in every job she has ever had. Lovely, intelligent woman in many respects but seems entirely incapable of fitting in to the world of work. Why, I really don't know but there is some sort of mismatch between her and holding down a job. I´ve never talked to my brother about it, but I get the impression that he has pretty much just accepted that he will be bringing in the money in the household. They also have kids.

If it is a dealbreaker for you, then it is what it is, but to me, as long as you are financially okay, I don't think sounds like enough to break up a family over.

Everyone has a failing. This is yours.

I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater here. He sounds like a nice guy, a good housekeeper and a good Dad. And he is employed. He's just not highly employed.

He clearly shows no interest in work and his bosses can't tell. But if he's pleasant enough that he's not actually going to get fired, is that so bad?

I dunno. It's a tough one as you're clearly losing respect for him. But this isn't something particularly solveable.

Put it this way, you divorce and.... What? You pay him spousal maintenance? You have to support two houses? He moves into a shitty house share or bedsit where he can't keep the kids overnight? Meanwhile you're a working single parent who has to find a heck of a lot of childcare on your days.

How would divorcing him make your life easier? I don't think it will.

If he’s generally apathetic I can see why you would find that unattractive. As do employers.

Sounds like he also lacks self awareness.

YANBU to end a relationship that you no longer wish to be in for any reason. However there will be an impact on your three young children, there will be the hassles of childcare, split weekends, not seeing them every birthday and Christmas, and all the issues that go with being a split family.

Based on your OP although you say it’s not about the money I can’t see what else there is. He contributes to the relationship, he’s intelligent and quick witted so presumably you can talk and communicate on a similar level, he does his share of the housework - what don’t you find attractive? That he’s not a driven ambitious personality type? Or that he won’t ever be able to support you financially? (PS I’m supporting myself to retrain - I can pay my way through my own PhD, thanks).

My DH will never be able to support me financially. He’s a SAHD. But he is kind, patient, gorgeous, funny, intelligent - I find him attractive in spite of his lack of paid employment. But I fell in love with him for who he was and is, not who I thought he might be in the future.

What are you looking for in a relationship? Have a think about it and then if your DH isn’t it - leave him so you can both find someone to be happy with.

I honestly believe that 9 to 5 jobs are not for everyone. We're told this is the only way to succeed but this is exactly the issue - we aren't given alternatives, so many of us struggle through job after job, never quite feeling at ease. For some people, office politics, small talk, networking and climbing up the ladder is soul-destroying, not just mundane or tolerable.

I feel a bit like your DH, although I've always held down professional and reasonably paid jobs. It's difficult for others to understand and I get that it's frustrating for you, but the best thing to do would be to support him in finding alternate forms of employment. Or you could leave him...it's your call.