To want to end relationship over this?

[Newishhname]

Name changed as this may be outing.

I have been with DH for 10years. We have three young DC. DH comes across as naturally very intelligent, he is quick witted, very knowledgable however he has failed at every career he has ever tried. I sometimes feel like this is a reason to leave him.

DH is a wonderful father, a patient and kind man. He does more than his fair share of housework, and he is pretty selfless. On the whole our relationship is good although I sometimes am frustrated that he doesn't take much initiative even in things like buying me birthday gifts (he has to be reminded!) and he can be thoughtless in that respect.

He has worked in several different fields since I have known him, he has left all of these roles due to stress or not being able to work to the standard they want. In his current role which is an entry level job (and entry level pay) he has been there two years and they have not progressed him. He has never believed that he is to blame, he is never able to improve. Today he came home and told me that he isn't going to be put on the further training course towards career progression but it isn't his fault and he is sure he will be on it in six months time- this is the same thing he said six months ago.

I am getting so frustrated and don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who cannot financially support me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a kept women but I currently earn twice his salary and I would like the option to one day be supported to retrain just like I have supported him for the last decade. I don't think he can improve at this point. I also find it incredibly embarrassing and unattractive which is probably very shallow of me.

I love him and don't want to leave him but I can't keep having the same argument and feeling the same frustrations and embarrassment over and over, so I think perhaps I have to leave him.

So AIBU to end this relationship because DH doesn't have a career? And if I am BU how do I let go of these frustrations so I don't get resentful?

Please be gentle with me

Last week I saw a shelf stacker in our local supermarket complaining that he was being overlooked for promotion all the time. He was talking to his supervisor as he stacked shelves.

His pants had ridden below his undies so I could clearly see the shape of his large arse...and he stood resolutely in my way as I tried to reach something near his area.

His supervisor said "Whoops...Mike you're in the way" and he stumped out of the way frowning.

And he wonders why he's not getting promoted.

I would be very hesitant indeed to turn the lives of my three children upside down for this most shallow and materialistic reason.

For me it wouldn't be about the money, I find ambition, drive, achievement and passion attractive, I couldn't be with a plodder

*@Newishhname *
He thinks of himself as being very very intelligent,

Op do you think it's possible he thinks he's above the work he's been doing and doesn't put the effort in? It would be interesting to know what his employers actually have to say about his attitude at work.

YANBU and I have had my feelings for someone die because I was sick of trying to motivate them. Once the respect has gone, it is hard to get back imo.

I hate to say this OP but my last husband was the same. I put up with his constant job hopelessness for almost two decades.
Always getting sacked, never seeming to manage to get through courses, not going anywhere, long periods without a job, financially unaware, started various A levels - failed them all, this despite having a high IQ according to his mensa score.
I really feel he dragged me down, I was ill at the time and really needed someone to support me while I got better but he couldn't.
He left two years ago for another reason and after he went I really blossomed, got a fantastic new job, did the house up completely, my career has gone from strength to strength and I am a hundred times better off.
We were just not compatible in this area and I'm afraid I completely lost all respect for him.
It sounds to me like you two are just not compatible, you are more dynamic than him.

Why? Hes a good man who sounds lovely. So what if he doesn't have a career?

Surely his annual reviews at work tell him what he needs to do to improve?

Yes his employers will have told him but it’s not registering for some reason.

With all the bad things we read on these forums is this really that bad?
He sounds like in everything else he is a good dad/husband etc. However it is eating you up and making you resentful, can you discuss it or has it already been said? If you feel this strongly then it will continue to make you resentful which I guess isn't good as time progresses.

I don't care about who earns what as long as we are happy. I have a lower paid vocation that is very rewarding, he gets more but office job in an office which isn't what he trained for at masters level. However he is ok with this currently it's means to and end. We have a decent standard of living.

After reading some of the posts on here I realise how lucky we are in a relationship where we are a team and respect each other. Money doesn't come into it for us/me.

Leave him as it seems as money is more important to you than any other quality.
Let him find someone who appreciates him for himself rather than his wallet.

Do you feel attracted to him?

A pp said he lacks reflective capacity. I must admit this is very annoying as an ex of mine lacked reflective capacity, but he also lacked ANY other good qualities at all. Your husband sounds like a good man, but I think you probably just don't find him very exciting anymore.

Is he lazy tho ? Not really bothered about putting the effort or turning up late/ leaving early Does he have a bad attitude towards work ?

That’s a very different thing to doing his best and not getting anywhere

Only you can decide what to do next but a hands on dad is something to hold on to imo
( my ex was a lazy lump and not a helpful husband or dad )

Somehow I think you need to accept that you cannot change him and accept him as he is. He sounds like a really decent family man in every respect except income. I think you can take pride in your own achievements and contribution but you need to try and change your mindset towards your husband, it's a long slow process (speaking from experience) but you may come to value him better if you can focus on all his good qualities.

Some people, despite being intelligent and capable of gaining qualifications, are more content living life at a slower speed. A really good friend of mine works as a delivery driver. He likes the freedom of driving, not being confined to an office, no stressful interaction with colleagues. He's not on the spectrum, nor is he a loner, and he's content. His wife is a physio, his daughters are at uni. None of the woman are resentful of his lack of ambition and lack of six figure salary. They are a happy little family.

The OP isn't happy though, and resentment leads to misery. Couples counselling might help, but once respect and love have gone, it seldom returns.

Some people, despite being intelligent and capable of gaining qualifications, are more content living life at a slower speed.

It does not quite sound like this is OP's husband's thing, though. I mean, he has had career passions, uni degree, etc.

I think it's more about the lack of reflection and the same pattern repeating itself. I used to have a similar issue in a relationship. I watched my then spouse go through his career always changing jobs after a couple of years. Every time the issue was his "unfair boss" who was "completely unreasonable". After six unfair bosses I asked him if he understood what the common denominator in these situations was and he had no idea what I was talking about.

(He was also completely unable to name any weaknesses in himself. Everything was always someone else's fault.)

Let me preface this post by saying, that I'm not going to be "gentle". As I think that's just MN code for saying "agree with me and do be honest"

He definitely lets life happen to him, he is very passive in that respect.
Interesting that you say this about your husband, as you got yourself knocked up accidentally. Isn't that letting life happen to you? Pot meet kettle.

In regards to the possibility that he is ASD, it doesn't sound like it, as everyone who I've ever known (including myself and my husband) are the most self aware people I've ever met. If anything, I think autists are heavily critical of themselves and know exactly what their flaws are. At least the Aspies I know, (those who are high functioning) opposed to those that are lower functioning.

To be perfectly frank, I find your post rather offensive in terms of your view of those with ASD. I also feel sorry for your husband. He deserves a hell of a lot better than you as far as I'm concerned.

Btw, since you suspect he is autistic, yet you are too lazy? to research it, Both Einstein and Isaac Newton are highly thought to have had Aspergers. Mozart, Tesla, Warhol, Dickinson, Darwin, Burton, Michelangelo, Dirac, Yeats, Gates, Jobs et al.

So yeah, I thought I'd just respond to your post so I could represent all of us idiots who just "let life happen to them"

Some words of advice - Good luck to you. Because, with your present attitude toward empathy and understanding - in this case, for your husband - if the shoe is ever on the other foot, you are sure as hell going to need it

YANBU. I wouldn't leave my husband because of something like this, but then we're all different and have different wants and needs. This is something that clearly bothers you a lot - so much so that you're considering leaving him over this! If it's that important to you then maybe you should just go.

Hope it all works out for you OP x

he has failed at every career he has ever tried. I sometimes feel like this is a reason to leave him.

Whatever happened to 'for better or worse, for richer or poorer'.

Whatever happened to 'for better or worse, for richer or poorer'.

Read her update, "it's also because i want to know he could support me and my children if I got ill or worse as my dad sadly had to after my mum was unwell when I was growing up. "

That bit only applies to the men in her life.

The thing is, if the op had said she is not attracted to him any more, the feelings are not there etc etc she would have received support and told to end her marriage and find happiness. It’s the same thing though really.

Do you allow him to say what he wants or does he tell you what he thinks you want to hear?
He is maybe very happy doing what he is doing and knows he wouldn't cope higher up the ladder but he daren't tell you because he knows you are embarrassed by him.
If you are embarrassed by his lack of ambition are you not more embarrassed by your vanity?

only to have job that a school leaver could not walk straight into. I want that because of the benefits of job security, slight increase in salary and it wouldn't feel as embarrassing (this is the part that I know is BU).

I don't think it's unreasonable to have an expectation that an intelligent man can progress beyond entry level in his career

I don't think it's unreasonable to have an expectation that if he can't progress he finds out why and improves himself so that he can progress....

....Or finds a career in which he CAN progress ASAP

I don't think it's unreasonable to find all the above deeply unattractive in a grown man

However I think you are enabling him @Newishhname by allowing this behaviour to continue. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone like this because I couldn't respect someone like this.

I also couldn't respect you, OP, for not standing up for what you need in the relationship ...,,

....what are your DCs seeing and thinking about all of the above?

If you think you can find another man to support you through a career change and treat your kids well and support them financially too and who will do more than his fair share of the parenting/housewirk then good luck to you! Im sure they'll be queuing up.