To want to end relationship over this?

[Newishhname]

Name changed as this may be outing.

I have been with DH for 10years. We have three young DC. DH comes across as naturally very intelligent, he is quick witted, very knowledgable however he has failed at every career he has ever tried. I sometimes feel like this is a reason to leave him.

DH is a wonderful father, a patient and kind man. He does more than his fair share of housework, and he is pretty selfless. On the whole our relationship is good although I sometimes am frustrated that he doesn't take much initiative even in things like buying me birthday gifts (he has to be reminded!) and he can be thoughtless in that respect.

He has worked in several different fields since I have known him, he has left all of these roles due to stress or not being able to work to the standard they want. In his current role which is an entry level job (and entry level pay) he has been there two years and they have not progressed him. He has never believed that he is to blame, he is never able to improve. Today he came home and told me that he isn't going to be put on the further training course towards career progression but it isn't his fault and he is sure he will be on it in six months time- this is the same thing he said six months ago.

I am getting so frustrated and don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who cannot financially support me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a kept women but I currently earn twice his salary and I would like the option to one day be supported to retrain just like I have supported him for the last decade. I don't think he can improve at this point. I also find it incredibly embarrassing and unattractive which is probably very shallow of me.

I love him and don't want to leave him but I can't keep having the same argument and feeling the same frustrations and embarrassment over and over, so I think perhaps I have to leave him.

So AIBU to end this relationship because DH doesn't have a career? And if I am BU how do I let go of these frustrations so I don't get resentful?

Please be gentle with me

I think you have to play to his strengths. If he’s great at home - and that’s very rare going on these boards - then use that as an opportunity to further you own career. Maybe your career development is possible even if DP isn’t gods gift to the world of work. When life gives you lemons etc. YABU.

Not RTFT.
If you split up, you will be doing a lot more childcare and the father won't be able to support you much because he will have to put a room over his head. He may not be able to get a place big enough for EOW, so you will be a lone parent 24/7.
He's an intelligent and decent bloke and he may meet someone else and then there would be step-siblings.

I’m with you OP. I find success and ambition attractive. I’d feel let down - as you do - if after a couple of years it became apparent that those qualities have essentially been ‘faked’. And I don’t necessarily equate success with financial reward. If DH was a highly sought after cake decorator or a self employed landscape gardener who had a passion for his job I’d be happy. If he bummed around in various entry level jobs despite having a degree (that I’d helped fund) and moved from job to job with no real commitment or progress then I’d be fed up too. He isn’t who he told you he was when you got together - that’s the crux of it. Well, it would be for me.

I couldn't live with this, and would find his professional inability very unattractive. I like quite a driven, competent man in this respect. His more redeeming qualities wouldn't cut it either, as I'd be driven round the bend with the other stuff!
Sorry OP

Has he been "fake" BeBa - which implies an intention to deceive- or has he simply failed to live up to his hopes/the OP's dreams.

You know the bit in the marriage service that goes "for better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health..."? Well that bit's in there because very many of us fail to reach or maintain our aspirations as life happens to us.

Hope you make the right decision OP, but I wonder if you split up, meet another man who fits the bill work wise, be great to start with, then you realise that he's not a patch on your husband. The new guy will probably turn out to be selfish or something. It just seems you're throwing too much away. However, if you find him soooo irritating you have a right to live how you want to.

I have been surprised that a number of posters can understand my point of view. I thought it would be all negative. Thank you to those who have offered advice.

So now I think IANBU to feel this way but AIBU to consider ending a marriage over this without trying harder. I need to focus on DH good qualities. I need to tell him to stop expecting me to support him in different career paths as I'm enabling this pattern and then feeling let down when it doesn't work out again. He does work hard but it's his his utter lack of self reflection which holds him back and causes arguments between us IMO. I need to come to terms that he isn't going to change and see if I can work through that. He also needs to come to terms with this and be happy with who he is work wise, and if he wants he could look at career counselling. I am still attracted to him but I can feel it slipping away as my respect for him dies. There is still a lot I respect about him though, I respect him for being a great dad, a kind and funny person, a stable person.

I think marriage counselling is going to be a good starting place for us. If that doesn't work then I am sure he will find someone who loves him for who is if that's what he wants. For me, this isn't about meeting anyone else (as posters have suggested) I wouldn't want to meet anyone else. I am so exhausted with having the same argument for the last decade. I think my OP didn't convey that properly.

Thanks to those of you have been kind.

And to the poster who said asking people to be gentle was a way of asking posters to agree with them - this isn't the case, I meant be gentle with me as in don't swear at me and call me names. I wanted to hear both sides or I never would have posted on here.

OP I haven't read every post so sorry if this has been asked but...Why does this matter? If he's a good person and you're paying your bills why does his lack of career bother you?

Everyone has a failing. This is yours.

^This

Hello OP, just logged in to say I can understand your frustration.

You fully recognise his many wonderful qualities, and they are not to be sniffed at. Support and teamwork in the home are worth rubies. Time and time again we read in these threads the destruction caused by men who don’t pull their weight and expect to be facilitated, indulged and waited on hand and foot.So first congratulate yourself you haven’t got one of those, well done, very sensible.

However three young children and a husband who is failing to progress time and time again = four young children, and I fully understand your concern.

As adults we expect our children, our partners and ourselves to grow, develop and evolve as we go through life. The experiences we have should inform us, teach us and stretch us, all helping us to become more experienced, knowledgeable, resilient and self aware as we go through life. Clearly so far this isn’t happening with your DP.

You are at a stage of your lives where you are vulnerable. You have young children, which makes us all vulnerable, you’re relatively young in life so you probably haven’t got much put by for a rainy day, and your DP looks to you like he is on his happy cloud, totally ignoring these realities. You feel, on top of everything else you do, that he just doesn’t get it, so you need to worry for two of you. That’s hard to take responsibility for, and is not unreasonable on your part.

Basically you “get it” and he doesn’t. So what can you do?

It seems to me there are two obvious choices ( there may be more, but these are the clear ones).

Firstly, it may well be as others have intimated, that he is a square peg in a round hole. There are many forms of intelligence and skill in this world, and clearly so far he is not playing to his strengths. Take a step back, as hard as it is in a high pressure situation, and think long and hard about this. What is he really good at?

If not and it really is the domestic sphere, then think about how you can work that to your advantage as a team. There is always more than one way to swing a cat.

Whatever the answer I wish you well, but I certainly don’t feel it’s time to throw in the towel yet. Having young children is always going to be a hard phase, but it doesn’t last forever. Take your time, be smart and good luck. 💐

The danger with constantly confronting him with his own failings re: career and earning capability is that if he comes to see it from your perspective he will become depressed. That would be far worse than your present situation.
At least he is working and bringing in some money, and not 'playing in a band expecting to make it big next year...', or 'painting and hoping to become a famous artist....'

Fundamentally it is too late for you to separate and expect a happy outcome. That's life and as you get older you may learn to accept it more readily.

Great post @Newishhname 👍

I wish you lots of luck and send you love 💕

It is exhausting trying to encourage/coach someone when they have no desire or are unwilling to change. So I don’t think YABU in that regard.
As previous posters have said you will certainly be worse off financially and probably more stressed trying to juggle childcare if you split.
Only you can decide if you can live with his work situation as it is. I don’t think as it’s been going on so long he is going to make any dramatic changes.
Can you live a life resenting him?

Is it really about his career as such, or about money? Maybe you have high aspirations, but in reality your both probably doing well financially. Yes it's become a thing, where people are more and more switched on about making as much money as possible while one can, and good pension etc. I expect you have good pensions, insurances, nice house etc and are on target to have a comfortable life. Think in your first post you said something like he's become a bit of an embarrassment? Sounds a bit mean really. Either you are being shallow or the sort of people you mix with are.

Last post on this thread because I've nothing more to add. Do you think maybe he just hasn't found his niche/vocation in life yet? Good luck though, whatever you decide to do.

I think people are being very unfair here. It seems clear to me that it isn't so much about the money or the actual job, that's not what is bothering the OP. Her concern is that her DH doesn't seem to be able to stick at anything or make a success of any role. The 'next big thing' is always around the corner but it never quite comes off. That must be very frustrating and concerning.

Her DH also seems to lack an ability to see what his issues are and makes steps to change them. That in itself is going to make a successful career almost impossible. Despite his other good qualities that would be difficult to live with.

I am a much higher earner than my DP and much more ambitious. A job is just a way to pay the bills for him. I have no problem with that because he is loving, loyal, kind and hugely proud and supportive of me. He doesn't lack self-reflection or application though - I would find that a problem.

I work in a professional career, am very well educated and (I think!) I'm
Intelligent. But I've been stuck on the same grade at work for many many years as I struggle with managing the demands of my job. Basic stuff that most people sail through is really tough for me. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD, so finally it kind of makes sense.
I have often said that I am lucky that my DH has never put any demands on me to work my way up. Even when colleagues have told me that I am capable and should apply for x or y promotion, he has not questioned why I haven't, because he knows how much I struggle.
If your DH has similar issues to me, it really will be out of his control to bake work "easier". He sounds like a very good man but one for whom a high flying job is not an option. Only you know if you can live with that.

Engaged i think you have a point, it probably is the people I mix with that's made this a thing (my fault not theirs). My dad has previously expressed that he's disappointed about DH career and constantly asks about progression (to me not to DH). When I've voiced to family members or friends how frustrating this is they have validated his concerns saying it is normal for a dad to want these things for his child. My social network seem to have successful husbands, perhaps this has made me more conscious of it. But posting here has made me consider that yes their husbands might be successful but are they as good at parenting and supporting their OHs as DH is.

Daredevil thank you, I don't think I conveyed what was bothering me very well so posters got the wrong end of the stick