To want to end relationship over this?

[Newishhname]

Name changed as this may be outing.

I have been with DH for 10years. We have three young DC. DH comes across as naturally very intelligent, he is quick witted, very knowledgable however he has failed at every career he has ever tried. I sometimes feel like this is a reason to leave him.

DH is a wonderful father, a patient and kind man. He does more than his fair share of housework, and he is pretty selfless. On the whole our relationship is good although I sometimes am frustrated that he doesn't take much initiative even in things like buying me birthday gifts (he has to be reminded!) and he can be thoughtless in that respect.

He has worked in several different fields since I have known him, he has left all of these roles due to stress or not being able to work to the standard they want. In his current role which is an entry level job (and entry level pay) he has been there two years and they have not progressed him. He has never believed that he is to blame, he is never able to improve. Today he came home and told me that he isn't going to be put on the further training course towards career progression but it isn't his fault and he is sure he will be on it in six months time- this is the same thing he said six months ago.

I am getting so frustrated and don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who cannot financially support me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a kept women but I currently earn twice his salary and I would like the option to one day be supported to retrain just like I have supported him for the last decade. I don't think he can improve at this point. I also find it incredibly embarrassing and unattractive which is probably very shallow of me.

I love him and don't want to leave him but I can't keep having the same argument and feeling the same frustrations and embarrassment over and over, so I think perhaps I have to leave him.

So AIBU to end this relationship because DH doesn't have a career? And if I am BU how do I let go of these frustrations so I don't get resentful?

Please be gentle with me

Could he work pt and take more childcare responsibilities? You have had 3 children with him, you obviously know what he's like. Tbh I'd be happy that has earning money and is a lovely partner.

These threads are always an eye opener. The other day a woman posted who had got to early forties and was on minimum wage. Posters jumped on her and said 'how have you got to your age and not retrained?' 'why haven't you put in more effort' 'you can't just have kids and expect your dp to support you ' 'I would never put this kind of financial burden on my dh'.

But the op is a woman, married to a man who isn't abusive and does housework so her bar can be much much lower.

I think some relationship therapy might be a good idea.

You can’t be ambitious for him, it just doesn’t work. You will be constantly stressed. And that’s not to say I don’t sympathise, it is really hard when the responsibility seems to all rest on your shoulders.

As others have said though, financially you will both be worse off when you separate- two houses to run, you might have to pay him maintenance, two sets of clothes and toys to buy. And that’s without considering the emotional impact on all of you.

So I would spend some serious time in relationship/ individual therapy before making any decisions. Maybe he will work out why he gets “stuck” or maybe you will find a way to make peace with who he is.

Just to clarify I don't expect him to have a high flying career, only to have job that a school leaver could not walk straight into. I want that because of the benefits of job security, slight increase in salary and it wouldn't feel as embarrassing (this is the part that I know is BU).

When I say I would like him to support me to retrain it's also because i want to know he could support me and my children if I got ill or worse as my dad sadly had to after my mum was unwell when I was growing up.

I am not particularly career driven, I enjoy my job and earn a bit above the national average salary. I really don't expect him to earn as much as me, and I am fine knowing that I will always earn significantly more than him.

I think that job security and feeling like someone can financially support me is important to me in a relationship. Money isn't a big issue because of my wage and we don't live beyond our means, we budget around the money we have.

He always says he wants a to progress in his career and I do believe that. He has no understanding of why he fails. It's like he has no ability to be self critical. So he will tell me that everything is going great at work and he's about to progress only to find out that they aren't pleased with him but then never sees it as his fault- it's a horrible cycle that has caused so many arguments.

I feel so lost as to how to make peace with him being like this. But I don't know if I am the problem for finding this such a problem IYSWIM. I feel that I am being incredibly shallow.

Strange, or telling, in the whole post describing him, and your relationship you don’t mention the most important thing. Do you love him?

So you want to split up the family, with everything that entails, kids being unsettled, splitting time over different houses, maybe areas, probably ending up with step siblings/parents split Christmases, split holidays split birthdays, statistically more likely to then have issues themselves. Not because you have a husband who treats you badly, has been unfaithful etc but because he doesn’t earn enough for your plans.

I’m sorry but your kids currently have a lovely home, a nice dad who interacts with them, does stuff round the house, treats you well. These are sadly rare things to be cherished a lot more than money.

Save up for retraining. Live life accordingly and be grateful for all the non monetary support you’ll get from your DH when youvretrsin which will be worth its weight in gold

I'd love to see the responses if a man wrote this post about a female partner! He sounds as if he has a number of lovely qualities....? If you can't accept him as he evidently is, you don't need to be asking mumsnet for the answer!

Sorry, I know you asked for gentle, but I think it's incredibly selfish to do this to your children just because he can't progress at work. It's not like he cannot hold down a job at all or does nothing to support you in the home.
And on a practical level, if you think it will be easier to retrain when you are a single mother, you are mad!
Even if you meet someone else (and there are no guarantees), new man might not fancy supporting you and 3 kids who aren't his, while you retrain. He would likely expect you to contribute most of what your DC need.
I think I'd try and get to the bottom of what is going on with DH at work and readjust my own way of looking at things, so I understood that not all people are good at all things and that a husband who is generally lovely, pulls his weight with the house and kids, is a good husband to have.

Apart from that he sounds perfect. I think yabu because since reading your last post, and your reason is in case you're ill and he won't be able to support the household, well anything can go wrong in life. You could be with a high earning high flyer, then he or you both are ill. Other than that you might be looking for perfection, which probably doesn't exist.

Hmm. If this was posted by a man saying that his DW only had an entry level job, and that he earns twice what she did what would we be thinking?

Is he in the right job? Is he happy in his job or is he frustrated? Could he retrain? Might he be able to walk into a different career and shine in it?

I think a lot of people have to budget.

I don't think you are being shallow but I think you either have to accept him as he is or help him. You arguing won't change anything. He actually sounds like a great dad and DH apart from income.

I don't think leaving him is the answer.

I think a lot of people find successful ambitious people who have a passion for what they do, and do it well, attractive. That's a different thing to being a high earner.

It sounds like he either doesn't know why he's failing or is refusing to discuss it with you.

Is there anything you can do to help him figure out why he doesn't get along at work? Encourage him to get some specific feedback? I don't know if there is such a thing as a career coach or something that might be able to help him?

He sounds lovely. All the qualities you list, money can’t buy.

Could you afford some therapy perhaps group therapy so he gets feedback on his style and communication? Or career coaching?

It might piss me off but I'm so shallow I wouldn't have ended up with a man who wasn't reasonably successful.

Some people are just not made for big careers. It's nothing to do with intelligence. I think it is often about lack of confidence in oneself and also not being able to instill others confidence in you either. It is also possible DH is in jobs that he hasn't really the skills for and he may be better suited to something else.

Could he be a SAHF as you seem to be the more successful one careerwise and you could earn more and save for later on when the kids are older and you can retrain then.

However, I take it you don't respect DH because you just equate success in life with career success and if you aren't successful, then you can't gain respect. I think your DH has a lot of positives and you should be grateful for them. You could be much worse off with a different partner. But if it is that important to you, then I guess you need to rethink your relationship.

Tread carefully here. Make sure you realise the financial impact that this will have on you all if you split. I’m married to a high achiever in work, the balance is shifted and not in a good way. We are rewarded but works long hours, isn’t around for sick kids, parents evenings, parties etc. We make it work for us but my career takes a back seat for now.

OP - I think you would probably benefit from some therapy on your own to help you get over the embarrassment aspects - especially as you feel you're BU here, and come to terms with the situation if you decide to stay. I also think a pp point about thinking about what your life would be like in terms of finances, and family organisation if you did split up is key, especially as you say you love him.

I would guess one of your main issues is this isn't how you envisaged your partnership would pan out when you got together with him, but I don't think most people's lives are like this either!

I'm quite sympathetic - I've always earned quite a bit more than my dh and he suffered quite a few knock backs early in his career, but was then lucky enough to get into an area he really enjoyed and has progressed in. Maybe your dh just needs to find the right fit for him.

These threads are always an eye opener. The other day a woman posted who had got to early forties and was on minimum wage. Posters jumped on her and said 'how have you got to your age and not retrained?' 'why haven't you put in more effort' 'you can't just have kids and expect your dp to support you ' 'I would never put this kind of financial burden on my dh'.

Well contrary to popular belief on MN lots of people up and down this country of all sexes and ages are in minimum wage jobs so not sure why it's such an issue!? I think YABU OP, there must be more going on if this is the only reason you're thinking of separating, do you really love him?

You’re not being unreasonable. You can’t help how you feel. I’d urge you to look at the bigger picture though. Assuming you split, would you wish pursue another relationship? (I mean in time obviously, not the next day!) Would you be content with a man who had better job security, but lacked one of your husband’s other qualities? Not so great with kids, or took less initiative with house work? People are flawed, you’re unlikely to find someone who ticks every single one of your boxes.

I understand your desire for him to be able to take care of you financially if you were ill, but what about the compassion and caring you would require? Financial security IS of course important, but so are a whole number of other things.

As others have said, relationship counselling may help you both to properly express yourselves and find a way to move forward.

I don't think you're being shallow. It's about values and priorities. Put simply, someone who isn't career focused and who can't progress, doesn't share the same values as you.That doesn't mean your relationship is doomed but it does mean you need to rethink what a relationship can be if you want to stay in this one.
You might benefit from individual counselling. Ultimately whether you leave or not, is a decision that only you can make but counselling might help you to decide.
Security (whether emotional, practical or financial) is important and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting it

I have a very successful career. My ideal man would have a ‘job’ because I think 2 career driven people in a relationship inevitably leads to conflict over time. If your DP is ‘there’ for you and your children on a daily basis and you are financially comfortable then his earning power is irrelevant. His success lies in being a good team player and helping you to create a happy family - not in being some 1950s breadwinner.

I’d be asking why you’re so uncomfortable with his earning status - it’s a bit sexist!

I should have said it did use to bother me more than it does now!

OP, you're getting a pasting here.

Leaving the emotions aside for a mo, divorce will make you poorer.

You'd end up supporting DH and you'd get a lot less of his unpaid labour and childcare. He wouldn't be able to take the DC because he wouldn't be able to house them on a tiny wage and the maintenance.

If it's money you're worried about, the last thing you should think about is a split.

If you have a reasonable career and income and he is a good father and husband in other respects then I would persevere rather than break up the family. Try and focus on the positives, the things that he does contribute.

I'm possibly comparable to your DH, in that - although I've held down professional and reasonably paid jobs over the years - I've never found anything I seem to be particularly great at or feel committed to. I definitely lack ambition when it comes to a career. I'm happy just muddling along and am also not very money-driven (I like to have enough not to have to stress and worry about paying bills, but that's as far as it goes. I live frugally otherwise and am not fussed about material things).

My DP has a good solid career job. Not earning a massive salary, but it's well paid enough and secure and he enjoys it. He genuinely seems content with me as I am (hope so anyway!)

Everyone is different though, and what works for one couple might not work for another and that's fine, OP. It's fine to have different values.

My lack of ambition was definitely a contributing factor to my ex-husband leaving me. When I think back he was always trying to encourage me to consider different careers or studying to better myself (as he saw it). He was always buying me books he thought I should be reading and that sort of thing (I actually read A LOT, but not the "right" things he'd have said). The woman he left me for is a high-flying, hugely successful lawyer. They both love the things that come with career success and money like international travel, cars, etc... and are SO much better suited than me and him ever were (I can see that now with hindsight). They run marathons together for fun! (I have my dog and grow tomatoes). I'm happier now and so is my ex-H, so I guess you need to try and work out HOW important this is to you and weigh it up next to all his other qualities and most importantly whether you can love him as he is.

YABU. If you are worried about security, you can get insurance to cover your loss of wages in case you ever get sick.