To want to end relationship over this?

[Newishhname]

Name changed as this may be outing.

I have been with DH for 10years. We have three young DC. DH comes across as naturally very intelligent, he is quick witted, very knowledgable however he has failed at every career he has ever tried. I sometimes feel like this is a reason to leave him.

DH is a wonderful father, a patient and kind man. He does more than his fair share of housework, and he is pretty selfless. On the whole our relationship is good although I sometimes am frustrated that he doesn't take much initiative even in things like buying me birthday gifts (he has to be reminded!) and he can be thoughtless in that respect.

He has worked in several different fields since I have known him, he has left all of these roles due to stress or not being able to work to the standard they want. In his current role which is an entry level job (and entry level pay) he has been there two years and they have not progressed him. He has never believed that he is to blame, he is never able to improve. Today he came home and told me that he isn't going to be put on the further training course towards career progression but it isn't his fault and he is sure he will be on it in six months time- this is the same thing he said six months ago.

I am getting so frustrated and don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who cannot financially support me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a kept women but I currently earn twice his salary and I would like the option to one day be supported to retrain just like I have supported him for the last decade. I don't think he can improve at this point. I also find it incredibly embarrassing and unattractive which is probably very shallow of me.

I love him and don't want to leave him but I can't keep having the same argument and feeling the same frustrations and embarrassment over and over, so I think perhaps I have to leave him.

So AIBU to end this relationship because DH doesn't have a career? And if I am BU how do I let go of these frustrations so I don't get resentful?

Please be gentle with me

I can see why it might look like I'm being sexist but I don't think I am, I purposely worked hard so I could support myself and my children. This might be why I am losing respect for him.

I have supported him through four different career paths and a university degree and none of the them have led to where he said. I don't understand why it is U to wish that he could support me to a new career path if I retrained.

If he told me that he didn't want to further his career or wasn't able to then I think I might have come to terms with that. However he is always promising that he will, but then he fails and thinks it is never his fault. It is exhausting for me because he never thinks he is at fault and therefore isn't able to improve but he will promise me he will and that he wants to and the it all starts again.

Counselling might be the way to go as I do love him. I realise I would be much worse off if we divorced but this isn't really about money it's about losing respect and whether I am wrong for that. It's not fair to stay with someone if you don't respect them, And I don't want my kids to pick up on the resentment I am starting to feel. He has so many great qualities, I wish I could see past this issue.

I think those posts that say you could have it a lot worse are deeply unhelpful.

You are you, and you're in the circumstances you're in, and you feel the way you do. And there will be a reason for this - and it will be valid, even if others may not understand.

Relationships are interesting things. They are complex, and we are complex - and some people look for some things in partners, and others in others. You may well need someone who is a match for you when it comes to ambition, wherewithal, and money at work.

Your DH may be a great father and great at home, but if you're the only one who provides the 'drive' and the 'money', then it's no wonder you've lost respect - no matter how good he is in other areas.

Really, it's your choice. But I wouldn't listen to those who are invalidating your need to explore those choices. How do any of us know what works for anyone else? You have to be true to who you are, and not who you think you ought to be.

The thing I think is strange is that he has no idea what he is doing wrong at work.
Nothing wrong with not being ambitious, or a man being the lower earner. Good marriages are a partnership where you balance each other out, but the way he comes home and says things are fine when they very obviously aren’t, the lack of any insight into his situation, or even concern about it, is really odd.
Could he be on the autistic spectrum ? Is he missing cues from colleagues and superiors ? Could he actually be less intelligent than he initially sounds ?
I have read your original post twice, and what stands out to me is that you sound lonely, and he sounds quite child like. You find him embarrassing, that is the kiss of death for love and attraction, and I wonder if the embarrassment is less his actual earnings or status, than his innate strength as a person, and perhaps his difference to other people.

I think this is a matter of perspective. I had a friend who was always moaning that her husband did crap jobs and didn't take much initiative. I pointed out to her that this meant he always agreed with her plans and was super-supportive! I asked her what she wanted to do. She said buy a house with a small-holding. So they did, and he was supportive and worked to make sure she got her dream.

Perhaps his support has enabled you to have both a reasonable career and three children in quite a short space of time. Perhaps he might be happy for you to retrain in a few years time. Perhaps he keeps the house chugging along so you can spend more time at work and still have a nice home.

I think if he's not going to be a high flyer then it's worth thinking about how that can work to your advantage in the future. I don't see how leaving him and going it alone with three small children is going to make you richer, tbh.

There's also the fact that people's circumstances change- I know at least three couples where one previously quite successful person had to downsize- one had a breakdown, one lost their job and one got sick. Even if you find this new great guy with a good wage, there's never any guarantees in life that this will continue indefinitely.

If this is really important to you why did you choose him to have three children with? It doesn’t sound like he was ever different so it’s not liked he’s changed. Why don’t you respect him for being kind, honest, loving and committed to you and your family?

I left somebody for this reason (among others, but this was a bit part of it) and I still feel a sense of relief, fifteen years later, that I am not still bailing him out and surviving his professional shipwrecks. It was exhausting and so stressful. I did steer him towards a career that was more suited to him, but nevertheless he has still gone from employer to employer every couple of years, not covering himself in glory. I feel really sorry for him, he is a lovely person, but it made him an unsuitable partner for me.

yanbu, but if you were to split you'd get fuck all maintenance.
worth bearing in mind that whatever annoys you about your partner will most likely annoy you even more when you split up.

And if you got sick maybe there would be a change of lifestyle because of financial restrictions, but by the sounds of it you would have someone by your side caring for you and the kids, loving and supporting you through your sickness. That’s invaluable and not easily replaced.

Can’t you imagine a man saying about his wife who earns less ‘oh but how will she support me if I’m sick and unable to work?’ Men don’t tend to think that way, if it happens they just have to deal with it as a family.

Spot on post sirvix. I was thinking the same about his lack of self-awareness and I understand how you would feel about him.

I suspect the fact that when he fails he never thinks its his fault and has seemingly no idea why he fails is a large part of the problem. If you asked him to name his strengths, and then name his weakness (both in regards to work) would he be able to give you an answer for both categories OP?

@SirVixofVixHall I think you've hit the nail on the head. I have often wondered if he has some form of autism (he has also mentioned this) but I don't know enough about it to be sure as he doesn't tick all the boxes for it. He lacks initiative but not because of low self confidence more because he isn't able to piece together the steps of how to make things happen. I've spent lots of time trying to help him with this and this did help things enormously with housework, managing finances and looking after the kids. But it hasn't helped with work, and I'm exhausted from trying to help him and control something which is out of my control.

To those asking why I had children with him-I had an unplanned pregnancy soon after meeting him. Our next two were planned but are twins- this was early on. When I first met him I thought he was the stable ambitious person he told me that he was. I have supported him financially and emotionally through multiple career paths because he has asked me to and has kept promising that this time it will be better.

He struggles to name anything negative about himself at work but can name loads of positives. I have discussed this with him over the years in an attempt to make him more self aware and we are now at a point where he can name one or two negative things, but I have no idea how accurate they are as I don't work with him.

Is it possible he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear? Is he happy just plodding along, but fears losing you if he’s honest?

The more you share, the more it seems like something you’re never going to be on the same page over. I suppose you just need to decide if this is something you are prepared to compromise on.

He won’t or can’t change. You know this. So you either make your peace with how things are or you move on.

YANBU - in regards to the career changes, were they things he’d researched and been really passionate about or were just ideas because he didn’t know what else to do? The lack of drive to do a job well (not just financially) and instability would drive me potty. Does he have focus in other parts of his life or does he let life just happen to him?

You should split so the poor man can enjoy a relationship with someone who appreciates him.

He definitely lets life happen to him, he is very passive in that respect. He tells me he wants to be successful, he wants a decent job. The careers he has previously tried - two have been passions, two have been jobs that he thought he would be able to do and had okish pay. His degree was in a passion. He thinks of himself as being very very intelligent, I think he is intelligent in some ways but not emotionally l.

He knows that this could end our relationship as I've expressed to him my frustrations and that he must be at least partly to blame for some of the failings. He always responds by telling me he will do better/try harder/succeed which has no substance as he can't see what has gone wrong or how to make it better so it starts off this vicious circle.

I need to learn to live with it or leave him. But I don't know how to do the first one and I don't want to leave him.

Quite a lot of offensive crap being spouted on here about autism.

OP no your DH doesn’t sound like he has ASD so let’s just nip that in the bud now before we get long lists of negative behaviour which apparently can be written off as ‘autism’.

FWIW in regards to your relationship then I think respect is one of the foundations of a good marriage, if you love DH then it could be worth exploring couples counselling to see if you can get past this.

He sounds extremely frustrating in his lack of reflective capacity. I would struggle to respect someone who knew themselves so little.

Newishhname would you consider some couples counselling together?

The birthdays and gifts thing is just a bit unpleasant, he could set his watch to go off a week before your birthday or a month before. If you can engage him with buying gifts for the kids he may pick up on how important his it to you.

You could ask him to read about the Five Love Languages, so he sees things that are important to you.

I wonder if all these entry level jobs are office jobs and he is just not cut out for the office environment. Would he enjoy doing something outdoors, gardening, parks, whatever?

I think if you love him you could choose to change how you feel about his lack of drive/lack of earning potential. But before you split I would definitely get him to see a careers guidance counselor, which he will need to pay for but could pay dividends.

Does he know that his failings could end his marriage? It seems only fair before you leave/if you leave, that you let him have a chance to change somethings.

Good luck

Ah "He knows that this could end our relationship as I've expressed to him my frustrations and that he must be at least partly to blame for some of the failings" ignore my comment about if he knows!

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. I would find your situation incredibly frustrating and unattractive. People are built in different ways and some people find it hard to stick to something when they come up against obstacles or it deviates from the way that had pictured - that may just be the way he's built. He won't change, not really - so it's up to you to change things or decide whether to stay or go.

It's not an exciting answer, but all you need is time and you will come to your conclusion.

PS it is worth thinking if you do split up that someone else may get him. He sounds caring, kind, good dad and helpful at home. Is he attractive to you and are you happy with your personal life with him? If so, if it is just work, I think I would really try and find a way to make peace with his lack of drive in the work department.

Even if you cannot do this and eventually split up, at least you will be able to say you have given it your best shot.

Yes you are being shallow, can't believe that you would think of leaving your marriage,for the reasons that you have stated. The problems seem to be your's and not your husband's truthfully.