How would you handle this?!

[Doggydoggydoggy]

I’ve just a call from DH.

DD (4) needed the loo at school pick up just now but refused to nip back into class to use it so my DH asked if she wanted him to come in with her and she said yes.

DD then told my DH that two boys keep opening the toilet door on her whenever she goes and won’t stop so she has to shout at them and try and shut the door.

Says she told the teacher and the boys were told not to do it again.

Nothing has been mentioned to me or my DH by the teacher.

My DH is absolutely livid and although the boys intentions were innocent i.e it’s just a funny game to them I’m really concerned that
A) we weren’t told and
B) that at no point have the boys been taught about the importance of privacy, private parts etc. Simply told not to do it again and
c) it’s happened more than once to the point she doesn’t want to use the loo anymore

She wet herself at school last week which I thought odd, now I suspect I know why!

So, an OP comes on here asking for opinions. And when those opinions don’t tally with what she wanted to hear she starts name calling. And she wonders why she has a child who is stressed?

Ultimately there are two issues here.

The first is that the only way to deal with this issue is to go to the teacher. That’s what the head will do anyway, so you going to the head is merely extending the timeframe in which this will be addressed. So by going to the head you have achieved precisely nothing.

The second issue is that the OP is livid that they weren’t told.

The reality is that now your child is in education you won’t be told everything that happens. And in the scheme of things, other children (and it doesn’t matter whether it is boys or girls, they all have the ability to do stupid things at this age,) banging on the toilet doors is not a big deal which parents need to be informed of. Yes if the child is upset by it and has told the parent such then it needs addressing, but it’s not something which needs to be brought to a parent’s attention if the teacher was told by the child and dealt with it at the time. Teachers simply cannot tell every parent every tiny thing which happens in school. Boys banging on the toilet door, being told it’s wrong is all that needed to happen in the initial stage. Now that it’s transpired the child has become upset by it it needs bringing to the teacher’s attention so she can deal with it again if it’s not been resolved. But do bear in mind that A, this might still be upset from the first incident and it may actually not have happened again since, and B, the teacher is not at liberty to tel you what has been said to the other children, and neither are you in a position to tell the school what speach to deliver to the boys.

It’s entirely possible, likely even, that your child has told your DH what happened initially and following a talking to the other children haven’t done it again. And if this is the case then you are going to have to be the ones to placate your child, because the school will no longer be in a position to do anything else about it as it has potentially already been resolved.

see how young we condition our girls to accept poor behaviour

Absolute nonsense.

She hasn't dealt with it effectively

No one knows that because no one has bothered to ask them what's going on!

But no, these children have penises so are clearly just sexist arseholes. 🙄

I don’t think so summergems

I was called ‘neurotic’, to blame for my DDs sudden stress and an ‘awful parent’ by ONE poster who I called unpleasant and pathetic because that is exactly what they are.

It had nothing to do with opinions of teacher vs head and everything to do with being called awful, neurotic and to blame for stress!
Stress that is really sudden onset for no apparent reason no less.

I wouldn't be happy about this op, If i was in this situation I would speak to the class teacher about it. If I wasn't satisfied with the way they had dealt with it then I'd tell them so. Give them another opportunity to deal with it, if it continued then I'd be arranging a meeting with the head.

Also, I never said the children were sexist arseholes are anything close.

What I actually said was their behaviour is sexual harassment but they don’t know that is what they are doing because they are 4.

I in no way blame the boys or think they are sexist or abusers or anything.

I think they are behaving in a way that constitutes harassment but they have no concept of this due to their age but it should be firmly explained to them exactly WHY their behaviour is unacceptable.

Wel, she’s four. She’s only just gone back after Christmas, her first real school holidays since starting school. The stress might equally just be that she realises this is it from now on and doesn’t get to stay home any more. I know mine went through similar at that age and despite being happy to go to school every day when he first started hit a period of not wanting to go about a term in. It’s actually incredibly normal for that to happen, so there is no sure way of knowing that it’s this particular thing tbh.

And what are you going to do if it transpires that the children were told and your dd is merely retelling you now what she told the teacher originally and it hasn’t happened again?

I agree.

With OP.

Ps. It isn't sexual harassment because there are no sexual connotations behind it. I was kind of behind you until I saw that remark. Quite silly actually.

And no, it isn’t sexual harassment. Girls could have been doing this just as much as boys, it doesn’t make it sexual harassment just because they’re boys.

Following someone into the toilets and trying to get in, banging and shouting on the door when they lock it and trying to get it open is sexual harassment.

At 4 they don’t understand this because they know nothing of sex or harassment BUT they need to be told that such behaviour is rude, threatening and scary.

That the toilet is private and under no circumstances do you follow people in there or talk to them while they are in there.

That is a private thing and that boys and girls go to the loo separately, on their own.

Just being told ‘don’t do that sgain’ Is inadequate.

I hope that clarifies my view on the whole sexual harassment thing.

This happened a lot last year when my DD was in reception. Teacher told the whole class more than once that only one child is allowed in the cubicle at a time, and they must not peer under doors, try to open doors or generally bugger about when in the toilets (no putting objects down the toilets etc!).

She is Y1 now and says the toilets are horrible as some of the boys in her class still mess about in the toilets, quite literally weeing on the floor, stuffing too much toilet paper in the toilet, leaving taps on. Head teacher and the caretaker spoke to the whole year 1 group (120 kids) again about toilet etiquette at Christmas. Some kids are just better trained socially than others, unfortunately!

If I were you, I'd want to at least speak with the teacher before going to the head.
Not saying to not involve the head, but include the teacher at a minimum

Also, sexual harassment can be female on female or female on male or male on male too!

It’s not an exclusively male thing...

I don’t blame you for wanting it sorted op, especially if she’s wet herself at school. We had similar with dd; she came home and told me about it. It’s a mixed sex toilet in reception class and a boy kept following her. She’d been taught about private’s by me and dp and was upset by it. I had a word with her class teacher, and dd came home the next night saying teacher had taught them all about “privacy in the toilets.”
I think sometimes it is a teachers job to teach them about such things, as maybe not all parents have told their children about privacy, they’re still so young. Just like she came home yesterday talking about stranger danger, they’re important things to learn.
Hope you get it sorted!!

Toilet etiquette....yes completely agree with that phrase. Sexual harassment? No, that's going too far.

Just PMed you, OP.

the problem is OP that parent never sees themselves as it. It is the perception of others.

And most tell you your attitude and response to this will label you that parent with the school.

It will because you are becoming that parent with wanting to go to the headteacher and labelling it sexual harrassment (without actually knowing whether for example it is girls they are targeting or even if they have done it more than once). You simply dont have the facts from the teacher or your 4 year old daughter.

You are jumping in at the deep end - without knowing the depth of the pool at all

It could be this is a systematic harrassment of just your daughter - which needs seriously addressing
It could be that they do it to everyone - needs addressing
It could be they did it once to your daughter, were told off and have not done it again but it is still causing your daughter stress - you need to address this with her

So what exactly do you know?

DS choked on a Barny Bear one lunchtime at school so he ended up being sick. It happened once. His response to this happening once took around 3 months to sort out. Because he was so stressed and upset about it happening again. It caused stomach pains with stress and a lot of lunchtimes issues. But it did only happen once. The fear of it happening again though was the real issue. Do not make the mistake of thinking it had to be numerous times to get this reaction - not at 4

no wonder your DD is "stressed" by the whole thing, you're making a right meal out of it.

Umm, her stomach pains started before today?

Me and DH were confused by the doctor saying stress because as far as we know/knew, she has/had no stress!
She’s a perfectly happy normal little girl.
The stomach pain came out of nowhere.

When she started saying she hated school we didn’t pay much attention because we thought she was copying her brother who says that and schools boring etc.

We haven’t made a big deal out of it at all.
My husband told me what she had said on the phone but there’s been no ‘hysteria’ in front of DD

Until today we had no idea that anything at all was happening at school.

Yes but nothing you have said indicates it happened today. Just that you found out today

Have you spoken to her because you need to know exactly what she thinks has happened before you go in

And in children in anxiety can definitely cause stomach pains as I have said DS has them. But the trigger only needs to happen once. its the fear of it happening again that is the issue.

The best thing to do would be to call or email the school office to request a short meeting with her class teacher. Then go along and explain it all and see what the teacher has to say. If you are still not happy then you could go to the Head. It really sounds like the school just need to drill in toilet etiquette to the whole class. It’s not harassment. I would also have a quiet chat with your DD about how to handle when she feels anxious or upset about using the toilet - she should go and talk to a teacher if she feels sad or unhappy.

This sort of thing happens a lot in the early school years. There’s no need to go in all guns blazing. There’s nothing sinister going on, just a lack of manners really. Teacher can sort it, definitely.

I just want to say op I think speaking to the head is the right thing to do. You don't know the teacher dealt with it, other than something your dd said. The teacher hasn't mentioned anything. If it's causing your dd to wet herself from fear of using the look that's not ok. At the very least there should be full class nspcc pants training for all the kids.