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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you handle this?!

149 replies

Doggydoggydoggy · 30/01/2019 15:23

I’ve just a call from DH.

DD (4) needed the loo at school pick up just now but refused to nip back into class to use it so my DH asked if she wanted him to come in with her and she said yes.

DD then told my DH that two boys keep opening the toilet door on her whenever she goes and won’t stop so she has to shout at them and try and shut the door.

Says she told the teacher and the boys were told not to do it again.

Nothing has been mentioned to me or my DH by the teacher.

My DH is absolutely livid and although the boys intentions were innocent i.e it’s just a funny game to them I’m really concerned that
A) we weren’t told and
B) that at no point have the boys been taught about the importance of privacy, private parts etc. Simply told not to do it again and
c) it’s happened more than once to the point she doesn’t want to use the loo anymore

She wet herself at school last week which I thought odd, now I suspect I know why!

OP posts:
ErrorNoBrainDetected · 30/01/2019 15:58

That's just the norm with some children of that age, happens all the time, they'll either look from underneath the door or over the top from the next cubicle.

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2019 15:59

Yes but you have escalated it up without talking to the teacher and automatically going to point (b)

Because she told the teacher and the teacher told the boys off

You should be talking to the class teacher - indeed your DH should have done that at pick up rather than being livid and calling you then the head teacher

You are also assuming it been multiple times and that is what she is stressed by I suggest you gently get to the bottom of it as well

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/01/2019 15:59

I can’t believe you’re going straight to the head without discussing this with the teacher first. You are putting things together and of course you could be correct but equally may be way off the mark.

steppemum · 30/01/2019 16:01

calm down.

From the teacher's perspective, dd complained about some boys messing around, she told them off. Sorted.

It sounds as if dd has been worrying about this and it has been building up in her for a while, but that doesn't mean she has told the teacher each time, or that the teacher knows.

Now that you know, you need to pass it on to the teacher. tell her what you have said on here
dd has wet herself - unusual
been complaining of tummy ache
been saying she hates school and doesn't want to go
wouldn't go back in to use the loo because if these boys
Then at home today the whole story has come out, and this is a persistant problem, the boys are repeating this, dd is upset.

Then you and the teacher together can reassure dd and the teacher can sort it.

You won't get anywhere going in angry with the teacher, she/he can't do anything about a problem if they don't know about.

StrongTea · 30/01/2019 16:02

You are right to be annoyed, obviously happened more than once and the teacher hasn’t effectively got the message across to the boys involved. I would speak to teacher first though.

Original poster
Doggydoggydoggy · 30/01/2019 16:02

Both.
They are following her, trying to open the door as she is going in/stop her locking it and if it’s locked they are banging the door and trying to get it open.

Which game or not is totally unacceptable behaviour and really intimidating for her.

And yes, I am aware that children can embellish but equally, they are often telling the truth.

Suddenly fearful to go toilet with DH, having accidents in school, doctor is saying she is stressed and she is saying she hates school recently having absolutely loved it before.
I’m quite sure it’s linked.

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 30/01/2019 16:03

Oh my, you're in for a rude shock as your children progress through the school years... teachers and stafs cannot be everywhere at once. It's a superpower we don't possess.

You're completely over-reacting. The teacher has been informed; the teacher has talked to them; the teacher will likely be talking to them again. About all kinds of things. Ditto for your own child.

This is not the hill to die on. They're 4, not 14.

Original poster
Doggydoggydoggy · 30/01/2019 16:05

My DH won’t go in angry all confrontational with the head, he’s not that sort of man.
He’ll be very polite and reasonable.

But he is very angry about the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doggydoggydoggy · 30/01/2019 16:06

Not that much of a ride shock considering our son is 10..

OP posts:
EmmaJR1 · 30/01/2019 16:06

If your dd wet herself at school for fear of using the toilet I don't think the issue has been "dealt" with.

However I would start with the class teacher. Only to discuss your dd though. The discipline of the boys and what they do or don't know about privacy is up to the teacher and parents after your complaint.

Original poster
Doggydoggydoggy · 30/01/2019 16:06

**rude

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 30/01/2019 16:06

Your DH isn’t being reasonable though, because he’s completely bypassing the teacher without even talking to her.

rainbowstardrops · 30/01/2019 16:07

Way over the top to go directly to the Head!!!!
I would have definitely spoken to the class teacher first, discussing your concerns and what DD has told you and waited to see what the teacher said.
Her version of events might be very different as you have no idea if she's doing anything to resolve or monitor the situation.
Blimey, i can't supervise every child that goes to the toilets during the day otherwise nobody would get taught anything and we certainly wouldn't speak to every parent whose child has messed around in the toilets!
Mind you, we have boys and girls separate toilets but that doesn't stop an array of shenanigans going on frequently.
You really should have spoken to the teacher first.

steppemum · 30/01/2019 16:07

I disagree actually AWish.
I think there is a problem, and the OP is right to be upset, but from what her dd has said, the teacher is not aware of it as a repeating problem, OR the teacher is not aware that dd is so upset about it.

When dealing with school, the way to go is always:

  1. talk to teacher
  2. if that doesn't work, speak to head

Always go in with a working together attitude. But be prepared to stand your ground politely if you disagree.
(and I say that as an ex teacher, and a governor)

Purpleartichoke · 30/01/2019 16:08

WTH is wrong with you people? A girl has had her boundaries violated to the point that she is having bathroom accidents. This isn’t boys being boys it is sexual harassment and it needs to be dealt with aggressively. The teacher having a talk with them is clearly not enough to make her feel safe.

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2019 16:09

But you have to admit you are circumventing the normal order - which is class teacher first and then if you feel they are not handling it, the phase leader, then the senior phase leader, deputy head then head.

Why do you think you need to go straight to the top when the head will have to go to the class teacher anyway?

No one is saying you should not raise this with the school but that the first port of call is raqsing it with the class teacher.

You did after all ask how others would handle it?

SoupDragon · 30/01/2019 16:11

You really should have talked to the teacher first to hear what they have to say. going straight to the head is an over reaction.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/01/2019 16:11

We are not one of ‘those’ parents,

If you are going straight to the head I am afraid you are one of those parents

Original poster
Doggydoggydoggy · 30/01/2019 16:11

I have no issue being told we should go the class teacher.
Why would you think I do?

We are all different and I absolutely want to hear how others would handle it.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/01/2019 16:12

This isn’t boys being boys it is sexual harassment

They are 4. It is 4 year olds being 4 year olds, not sexual harassment.

Original poster
Doggydoggydoggy · 30/01/2019 16:14

Well, it is, they just don’t realise it because they are 4.

That’s exactly why I was saying I think it’s realky important that rather than being told don’t do it again they are taught what the behaviour actually is.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/01/2019 16:16

Something has happened.

You think the teacher hasn't dealt with it.

Your dh is going to see the HT about it tomorrow.

So what is the actual purpose of your post?

RainbowSparkles · 30/01/2019 16:18

Sorry op you are one of those parents because you have decided to bypass the teacher and go straight to the Headteacher.
If you had the decency to talk to the teacher and find out exactly what has been done about it first then the school would view you differently.

Bringbackthestripes · 30/01/2019 16:19

Your op said DD then told my DH that two boys keep opening the toilet door on her
And now it is
They are following her and banging on the door, trying to open it she says.
so are they opening it or not? You need to speak to the teacher first, the head won’t know which and will have to speak to the teacher before getting back to you so prolonging the stressful situation for your daughter.

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2019 16:21

because despite almost unanimous agreement that the way that most people would handle it is to FIRST go to the teacher before deciding whether she is handling correctly and then escalating it up

Because at the moment we dont know if the teacher has realised it been more than once

No one is saying it should not be handled or indeed you should not speak to the school because it is upsetting your daughter and you should make her class teacher aware.

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