How would you handle this?!

[Doggydoggydoggy]

I’ve just a call from DH.

DD (4) needed the loo at school pick up just now but refused to nip back into class to use it so my DH asked if she wanted him to come in with her and she said yes.

DD then told my DH that two boys keep opening the toilet door on her whenever she goes and won’t stop so she has to shout at them and try and shut the door.

Says she told the teacher and the boys were told not to do it again.

Nothing has been mentioned to me or my DH by the teacher.

My DH is absolutely livid and although the boys intentions were innocent i.e it’s just a funny game to them I’m really concerned that
A) we weren’t told and
B) that at no point have the boys been taught about the importance of privacy, private parts etc. Simply told not to do it again and
c) it’s happened more than once to the point she doesn’t want to use the loo anymore

She wet herself at school last week which I thought odd, now I suspect I know why!

Yes, damned awful parents caring about their kids, concerned about them suddenly hating school and wetting themselves and being scared to use the toilet and making posts online asking what others would do.

Just awful.

What a bloody joke - - some people- - cheese are..

I see that the Victorian era is alive and well on MN.

The teacher is obviously ineffective since this has been an ongoing problem and has yet to be resolved.

Who cares if you're seen as "that parent?" I wouldn't give a flying fuck. To hell with manners, etiquette and all that gobbledegook. Be a pitbull She's your daughter for Christs sake. Who else is going to protect her?

Not quite sure why you're getting such a hard time here! Yes absolutely talk to the teachers/head whichever you feel fit!

I think I would have talked to the teacher at the time my daughter mentioned about not wanting to use the loos at school. The teacher could have spoken to the boys involved and then had a classroom chat about what is not acceptable when a pupil is suing the loo. By going to the head, you have delayed a solution as the head will have to go back to the teacher or TA to get the full story. I understand your concerns as I would want to sort this out but I do feel you have done your childs teacher a disservice for not allowing her to explain what actually happened and what she proposes to do.

oh dear you don't sue the loo, should read "using the loo"

The problem is OP you asked what people would do the vast majority have told you what they would do and what you should do - which is talk to the class teacher, raise the issues and see if she knows it is ongoing problem

Then talk to your daughter and see how often it happens

Then if this does not help or solve the problem you escalate it up

That is the appropriate way of handling it. I cant see anyone tell you this isnt something you talk to to the school about

Your poor daughter.

There isn’t a problem here...

I asked what people would do, they said speak to the teacher first.
That is absolutely fine.
We are all different.

My DH is seeing the head tomorrow morning to try and get to the bottom of everything.

Others disagree but that’s fine, I didn’t ask for approval, I asked for opinions on what to do.

Why go to the head? The teacher can tell you straight away whatbthe situation is. The head can’t.

I dont think anybody has suggested you ignore the situation. But the correct way to deal with it is to talk to the teacher first and see what has happened and see what the teacher has done about it. You cant just go to the head with no information or input from the teacher as the head will not be able to tell you what has happened or how it has been dealt with.

Glad to see your update OP.

Best of luck to you, your DH and especially your daughter.

Here are some for your sweet girl.

You'll both get through this!

x

Teachers don't have eyes in the back of their heads, your DD told the teacher about the boys and the teacher told them off. You need to find out if it's happened since then and whether or not she told the teacher again.

The teacher may just think it was a one off and not happened since.

Going straight to the head without even speaking to the teacher first is wrong imo. Speak to the teacher and if it still continues then go to the head.

The chances are they are mixed sex toilets used by 2-3 classes, like our school's are.

With the best will in the world you cannot dictate to the children when they will use the facilities in infant school, although as they reach junior age they are definitely encouraged to wait or to go at break times.

But it isn't unreasonable to know how the continuing situation is dealt with. I presume your dd has told the teacher, who had a word and yet the behaviour continues. So instead of dd telling again, she learnt that nothing changed last time so now she will try and hold her bladder instead of putting up with it (see how young we condition our girls to accept poor behaviour).

It is impossible to supervise the toilets the whole time. If you are lucky a member of staff or someone walking by will hear the messing around and tell the children off. But they simply aren't staffed to escort to and from the toilet for each class.

My ds1 has issues with children following him to the toilet. There are ways around it.

The teacher could issue a 'toilet pass' so she might have 2-3 of them and when one person comes back with the pass it's given to another person and so on - an effective way of monitoring when certain children like to disappear together etc. The teacher would also see at a quick glance if there is a pass missing then someone might have been gone for a while and then checks can be made to ensure they've not been taken unwell or are messing around.

I'm not sure if there's a lot of teachers on here?

I experienced this with my son when he was about the same age as your DD. I didn't make a fuss, just mentioned to the teacher. I really regretted it afterwards because he became a much more withdrawn child for years. Some children are robust to deal with this kind of thing, but it's obviously affecting your daughter. I wouldn't care about not being that kind of parent. You know if you're the kind of person who is always up the school or not. I don't really like this boys will be boys attitude either. If something is unacceptable it needs to be sorted out.

Children should not be put off going into school.

If they are running in following her then I think its reasonable to assume it is happenening at break/lunchtime. Has your daughter actually told the teacher or the dinner ladies. And I dont actually think this is something exclusive to girls Boys as well sometimes dont like to use the toilets for the same reasons.

How do you think the head will deal with it ... by talking to the teacher.

The problem with going straight to the head is that you should have a stronger relationship with the teacher who is dealing with your child every day ( and probably doesn’t realise it is still a problem if your daughter only told them once) .

If it still is a problem then you are able to escalate it to the head and explain to them you have already spoken to the teacher . This will mean that the head will view your complaint differently, currently they will need to go to the teacher who is probably completely unaware it is an ongoing issue so you won’t get any quick answers.

Complete overreaction going straight to the head who will have no answers and will then need to discuss with class teacher anyway!

But OP you have ignored all th opinions and gone with your way which you think is best

And the problem is by and large on this front people are not all different - everyone agrees on the best approach apart from you

because if you want to get to the bottom of everything should you not speak to the person who knows (the class teacher) because if all honesty I suspect that is what the head will do and you do like it or not get a reputation for being that parent

I seem to have touched a nerve, OP.

Very wrong to go straight to the head, as I expect your DH will be told. And you've ruined your relationship with the class teacher.

Well done.

So what if I do it differently to everyone else?

I said ‘how would you deal with this’ I didn’t say ‘tell me how to deal with this and I’ll do whatever you say’.

I wanted to know what everyone would do.
Which is talk to the teacher.
Which is fine.
But my and my DHs choice is to talk to the head.

I know that I am not ‘that’ parent but if others want to have that perception then so be it.

And morecheese I just find you quite unpleasant. Rather pathetic.
Branding us ‘neurotic’ - we really aren’t
That we’re somehow to blame for our child’s sudden stress - how you come to this conclusion fuck knows.
Calling us awful parents - what a joke.
There is nothing awful about protecting your child.

I don’t give a shiny shit if the teacher if offended tbh.
Her job is to teach and protect my child.

I don't agree with all the PPs who say this is just 4 year olds mucking about. It is bad behaviour which should be discouraged. It also seems to be affecting OP's child to the point where she doesn't like school any more and is wetting herself. Presumably she is going to the toilet at breaktime rather than during lesson time, as if in lesson time the other kids wouldn't be about. It's many years since I was at school but are there not still teachers or assistants on duty at break to supervise? If kids were banging on toilet doors or preventing other kids from locking the door when I was at primary school, an adult would likely have heard and come to see what was going on, and told off the kids. 4 is old enough to be taught some basic rules, including 'leave the other children alone when they are going to the toilet'. If the teacher is already aware of the problem and it keeps happening and is causing OP's DD to have accidents, I'd speak to the teacher again in case they don't understand the extent of the problem, before going straight to the head. But I don't think you're overreacting.

(see how young we condition our girls to accept poor behaviour).

^ This

The teacher has been told. She hasn't dealt with it effectively, so now I'd go to the Head.

Ignore all those people trying to make this less serious than it is, who are denying that this is exactly how girls are taught that boys can ignore their boundaries, and how boys learn they can bully each other as well.

But my and my DHs choice is to talk to the head.

Without bothering to find out what has actually been happening and what has been done.

It is bad behaviour which should be discouraged

No one disagrees with that.

Why do you think talking to the head will be better than going to the class teacher

Have you told the head why you want a meeting because I would be surprised if you have that she hasnt already talked to the class teacher or has them there for the meeting

And if you havent exactly what do you think the head will be able to say without talking to the class teacher

If you had a crime you would speak to the detective in charge not the chief constable because they are the people that know
if you are in hospital you speak to your doctor not the head of department

Because they are the ones on the front line who have the information. Either way the class teacher will be the one who you end up seeing I suspect anyway.

So again if you are deciding to do it differently from everyone else why? Do you not like the class teacher do you think she is failing your child?