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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you handle this?!

149 replies

Doggydoggydoggy · 30/01/2019 15:23

I’ve just a call from DH.

DD (4) needed the loo at school pick up just now but refused to nip back into class to use it so my DH asked if she wanted him to come in with her and she said yes.

DD then told my DH that two boys keep opening the toilet door on her whenever she goes and won’t stop so she has to shout at them and try and shut the door.

Says she told the teacher and the boys were told not to do it again.

Nothing has been mentioned to me or my DH by the teacher.

My DH is absolutely livid and although the boys intentions were innocent i.e it’s just a funny game to them I’m really concerned that
A) we weren’t told and
B) that at no point have the boys been taught about the importance of privacy, private parts etc. Simply told not to do it again and
c) it’s happened more than once to the point she doesn’t want to use the loo anymore

She wet herself at school last week which I thought odd, now I suspect I know why!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/01/2019 16:21

Well, it is, they just don’t realise it because they are 4.

Of course it isn't.

Drogosnextwife · 30/01/2019 16:22

They are probably not just targeting your DD OP, o would be annoyed too but your DD may have it told the teacher once and she felt with it and thinks it's sorted so yabu to go straight to the head. Just ask the teacher, tell your her your DD is worried about going to the toilet because of it. I agree with a pp kids in this country go to school far too young in the UK.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 30/01/2019 16:23

I'm with you OP. I don't understand the reactions you are getting. They seem pretty unsympathetic to be honest. I remember clearly when I was 4 years old and wet myself in kindergarten because my teacher refused to unhook the overalls I was wearing. I was so ashamed. It was very traumatic for me.

I think the teachers method of telling the boys not to do it again, is clearly ineffective. I think this is a serious matter. Especially, if she is scared to use the loo. Not to mention the fear and shame of being seen doing something so private. She is literally hurting herself by holding it in, and having accidents. This can be very damaging to her feelings of safety and security. Those boys are not innocent they are bullies. Call them for what they are.
Go to the head and explain the situation clearly and firmly. Tell them that you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour and that your daughter has a right to feel safe when going to the loo.

Cranky17 · 30/01/2019 16:24

Well, it is, they just don’t realise it because they are 4.

Well It isn’t, it’s nothing to do with being boys, it’s to do with being children, something very similar happened to my friends dd, this time was other girls doing it, they thought it was great fun. Friends little girl was very upset and had to speak to the teacher.
Don’t paint all 4 year old boys as sex pests

Maddy70 · 30/01/2019 16:32

They are 4 year olds. Really don't understand what you want out of this. They were annoying your daughter. She told the teacher, she told them off.
What more do you expect?

Nicknacky · 30/01/2019 16:34

I’m despairing that posters are so quick to shout “sexual harassment”. It’s kids being annoying and I would bet they do it to other kids as well, both boys and girls.

rainbowstardrops · 30/01/2019 16:36

I absolutely don't agree that it's sexual harassment!!!!!
It's four year olds messing about and acting like young children!
Having said that, they do need to be taught boundaries and what is and is not acceptable.
For all you know, the teacher might have used some PSHE time to discuss this, which is why you really should have spoken to the teacher first.
Like I previously said, in my school we have separate boy's and girl's toilets and we get boys messing around in the boy's toilets and girls messing around in the girl's toilets. It's definitely not sexual harassment from any of them though!

AnoukSpirit · 30/01/2019 16:38

Don’t paint all 4 year old boys as sex pests

Talk about ferociously misquoting the op, there...

Aworldofmyown · 30/01/2019 16:40

Good god "sexual harassment' they are 4!!! I've known girls do this in toilets, would it be sexual harassment then?

The teacher probably isn't aware your daughter has been so affected by it, I would talk to her (not the head) she may not even realise they are still doing it. If that doesn't help, then talk to the head.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/01/2019 16:41

I agree going to the Head is overkill. Whats the Head going to do: go to the teacher involved. So you should really have cut out the middle man and done that in the first place. Now you have just pissed off the teacher and alerted her line manager for no real reason (unless the issue isn't resolved). Sounds like young kids being kids, but defo something the school needs to sort

Kahlua4me · 30/01/2019 16:44

Amazing all the posters who would accept this happening to their dd and think you are over reacting.

I can completely understand why you are upset Doggydoggydoggy and I am sure I would be too.

My plan would be:

  1. Go into school and have a quiet word with her teacher. Explain what dd says has been happening and how it is affecting her. Ask the teacher what can be done to resolve it.
  2. Speak with dd and teach her how to prevent this from happening, how to protect herself from situations that upset her. Get her to go to her teacher each time the boys follow her in, tell her friends, make a noise etc. These skills will help her as she gets older to.

I wouldn’t go straight to the head as this should be managed at class level to start with.

Cranky17 · 30/01/2019 16:45

*Don’t paint all 4 year old boys as sex pests

Talk about ferociously misquoting the op, there...*
If I’ve got the wrong end of the stick then my apologies however.

The op said

*Doggydoggydoggy

Well, it is, they just don’t realise it because they are 4*

in reference to this

*This isn’t boys being boys it is sexual harassment

They are 4. It is 4 year olds being 4 year olds, not sexual harassment.*

Cranky17 · 30/01/2019 16:46

Amazing all the posters who would accept this happening to their dd and think you are over reacting.

FWIW I don’t think she’s over reacting but should speak to the teacher first

Rafabella · 30/01/2019 16:47

Talk to the teacher if you're concerned. They are little children though! You'll have situations like this cropping up all the time. Whoever mentioned sexual harassment - seriously - get a life. Innocent little kids mucking about - nothing sinister.

Eliza9917 · 30/01/2019 16:47

I was going to ask why the boys were in the girls toilets. But then I remembered.

And so it starts.

Sleephead1 · 30/01/2019 16:48

op how do you know what the teacher told the boys ? you havnt spoken to her you said your going straight to the head. Why havnt got spoken to the teacher ? the head won't know about it so is going to have to speak to the teacher anyway. You have also said your husband is very angry and is having these conversations in front of your daughter? I would really want to speak with the teacher who saw and dealt with the issue not the head who wasn't there. You have no idea when this happened, what was said to the boys , if it's happened since they got told off, what plans the teacher has to stop it ECT. Now i do agree this may all be linked for your daughter and i do agree you need to speak to the teacher I also totally get believing your child but at that age they aren't reliable on times , how often ECT and my little boy is 5 some of the things he tells me are mixed and muddled up. I would want to have a conversation with the teacher and to be honest i think you are both being unreasonable to go over the teacher to the head and i dont honestly think you will get much from it as they will have to speak to the teacher anyway

Aarghhelpplease · 30/01/2019 16:49

Oh my Sexual harassment!!!
Really the boys are 4, they have not got the mental capacity to sexually harass.
OP, please speak to the teacher first it is natural to be upset/angry when our child is upset. Having an open dialogue with the teacher about it and a working relationship with them directly is honestly the best way to solve it.

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2019 16:50

No one has said this is acceptable but most have said that going to a head teacher who will have no idea of this or what has happened already without speaking to the class teacher is not the right move.

He should have spoken to the teacher straight away this afternoon - got from her what she thought (whether she knew it was an ongoing thing and not a once off) and take it from there

Charlie97 · 30/01/2019 16:52

WTH is wrong with you people? A girl has had her boundaries violated to the point that she is having bathroom accidents. This isn’t boys being boys it is sexual harassment and it needs to be dealt with aggressively. The teacher having a talk with them is clearly not enough to make her feel safe.

They're 4!!! FFS sexual harassment!

supersop60 · 30/01/2019 16:53

OP - I totally get you.
people - please read the responses from OP re boys banging on the door etc
It obviously hasn't been dealt with if OP's DD is now wetting herself and not wanting to go to school.
Having said that - the teacher isn't a mind reader, so OP does need to talk to the teacher first before going to the head.
OP - I wet myself twice at school. First because I was afraid to ask a scary supply teacher if I could go to the loo, and second, because a teacher kicked everyone out of the loos, even though I was waiting to go. I've never forgotten the embarrassment. Aged 5 then, 59 now, and I always make sure I know where the nearest loos are.

Juells · 30/01/2019 16:56

I wouldn't do anything. It's been sorted.

HRTFT but it hasn't been sorted if the OP's daughter is still afraid to go to the loo on her own. I don't think just telling the boys not to do it again is enough, some time should have been spent reassuring the little girl. How are boys in the girls' toilets, anyway?

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 30/01/2019 16:57

OP, to all those shouting, "they're only 4!", who cares if they're 4. The main concern is your daughters safety and wellbeing. She is literally holding her urine in and wetting herself because of this!

I never mentioned sexual harassment or sex pests or any of that crap, my point is, your daughter no longer feel safe to go to school. She is afraid to go the the loo now. She has been most likely traumatized by this. Look at her actions. Listen to her words. Children should be listened to, and not dismissed.

You are doing the right thing OP. Protect your daughter.

SoupDragon · 30/01/2019 17:03

Amazing all the posters who would accept this happening to their dd and think you are over reacting.

Do people think it's ok? I thought they believe the OP should talk to the teacher not just tell her DD to "put up with it" or anything. The overreaction is bypassing the teacher without ever speaking to them andgoign straight to the head.

MoreCheeseDear · 30/01/2019 17:07

Neurotic over reactng parents can make children stressed as well. The Dr only said it "could" be stress, the rest is your fertile imagination.

So glad I'm retired and away from awful parents.

Rachelle3211 · 30/01/2019 17:10

I think you have every right to be upset but talk to the teacher. Talking to head absolutely makes you one of those parents. Talk to the teacher about what dd said and how she's been acting and see what they have to say. Why would you go straight to the head??