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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do about DH

105 replies

timeforteaplease1 · 29/01/2019 22:09

I have 2 DC with DH.

DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 6 months. I’ve noticed in the past few weeks that his attitude has changed towards DS2. Getting frustrated with him when he cries and rolling his eyes when his name is mentioned.

Yesterday he seemed really off and irritable. Finally last night night he said to me that he hates his life now he has two children and regrets DS2. He’s kind of hinted before that he finds it difficult. My elder DS was a very easy baby and DS2 is a bit trickier in that he’s not the best sleeper. That being said, I do all the nights and he’s a total joy other than the sleeping. Since DS2 was three weeks old he’s done one weekend of nights and I’ve done the rest.

He said he can’t wait to get his life back and I get what he means but, to give you an idea, he was out last Friday and rolled in at 3am, he’s out tomorrow to watch football with his mates and he’s got a boy’s night out on 9 February. He is not tied to the house all the time. He also goes to the gym.

I’m not moaning about this - I have my own social life.

The only thing is that we don’t socialise together very often as babysitters aren’t easy to come by.

He also told me he is feel long down about his job which, despite paying him well, leaves him completely wiped out.

I feel like he’s spoiling for an argument every time we speak. He told me tonight that he’s going out tomorrow night and it was so combative that I was taken aback. I told him he could go out no problem.

I feel like this might get worse and It really worries me.

FWIW I had a miscarriage after DS1 and he knows how much DS2 means to me (not that DS1 didn’t but DS2 came after a tough time for me)

All our friends also have children (bar a couple of his) so it’s not like we’re in a different situation from our mates.

What can I do?

OP posts:
ChubRubTheStruggleIsReal · 29/01/2019 22:15

cannot abide fully grown adults being jealous and resentful of babies and children.

If his job truly wipes him out, he would have no time for gym/social life. So no sympathy there either.

Sounds like a spoilt man child, sorry but I couldn’t pander to a stroppy, selfish grown up like he sounds... must be why I’m single!

Baby is here so if he can’t handle it, I’d be issuing an ultimatum- get over himself or shut the door on his way out.

Maelstrop · 29/01/2019 22:21

Baby blues? Who is he going out with, his child free mates? He hardly sounds like he’s restricted. I think a major chat is in order and he needs to step the hell up with the night time duties.

CatnissEverdene · 29/01/2019 22:28

I'd sit him down and tell him no one is holding him hostage and he's free to leave at any time and live the life of a single man.

In fact if he carries on, he will be living the single life whether he wants to or not.

What a wanker.

ShawshanksRedemption · 29/01/2019 22:29

"He said he can’t wait to get his life back..."

What does he mean by this? To me he seems to have quite a bit of "me" time - what else does he need to get his life back?

It could be a bit "mid-life crisis" where he is thinking, is this it? Disgruntled with work and he just wants to not deal with anything, but feel a free agent to do as he wants.

Sorry but I think you really need to sit him down and have a heart to heart with him. He does need to accept that his DC are here, he made that as a joint decision with you, and being a mature adult is putting your own wants to one side. If he wants to do that, but is truly struggling, then he needs to get some professional help.

Mumof1andacat · 29/01/2019 23:15

A trip to the gp and some counselling maybe. Maybe he has depression. Can be common after kids for both women and men. I had terrible pnd and my husband was not in a good place either. These feelings of wanting his life back need to be explored.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 29/01/2019 23:25

I would think he's working up to leaving. Constructive dismissal by having arguments until he is peed off enough to actually leave or you boot him.

ForeverFaithless · 29/01/2019 23:45

Sorry I'm of no help because I just want to play a tiny violin for him.
Yes welcome to the real world for him, sometimes it's not plain sailing and takes hard work to keep going in the right direction.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/01/2019 23:51

Well, it's possible he is suffering from depression/stress. You could suggest he goes and sees a doctor. A lot of jobs are shitty, pointless and damaging to people's mental health; more so than ever these days. However, you know him better than we do - will he see the doctor, or will he decide that yes, he does have depression, but the 'cure' is for him to be given his own way all the time? Some men will use a self-diagnosis of depression to get out of doing any domestic work or childcare, or anything which involves putting someone else's needs first, and if their female partners don't accept this and indulge the man-baby, he moans and whines about how 'unsupportive' she is and completely ignores the fact that she's picking up all the slack...

Cherrysherbet · 30/01/2019 16:44

Sorry I'm of no help because I just want to play a tiny violin for him.

Would you say this if it was the woman struggling? I don’t think so.

I would agree with others who said he might need some help. Can you suggest he sees a gp? Going from one to two children is difficult sometimes. It sounds like he needs some help.

Hopoindown31 · 30/01/2019 16:50

Is it your relationship that he is missing. How is the romance and intimacy.

DanglyBangly · 30/01/2019 16:56

Some very harsh responses here. He’s been honest with you and quite brave, actually, to admit this.

Life with young children is pretty shit, and many people struggle and many marriages suffer.

I would talk to him and acknowledge that it’s hard, that you also find it hard, that you have to work as a team to get through these early years (it gets easier!), be kind to each other, try and find the humour where you can, allow each other ‘me’ time without making a fuss, and drink wine.

choli · 30/01/2019 17:03

I think a lot of parents find the transition from one child to two children difficult. It's so much more than one plus one. It's not surprising that some people get depressed.

ScabbyHorse · 30/01/2019 17:10

But if he was depressed then he probably wouldn't want to go out all the time! In fact when I was depressed it was knowing that my DS needed me that kept me going :(

pallasathena · 30/01/2019 17:23

Tell him you are both free to go your separate ways should either of you choose to do so.
Tell him that you feel hugely disappointed as you honestly thought you'd married a truly up to date, contemporary, modern man who understood life; who could be strong and capable in adversity, who would embrace the challenges life threw at him - not respond with sneery snarky looks and comments to a little baby.
He's not a REAL man is he OP?
He's not a role model for his children either.

swingofthings · 30/01/2019 17:24

I remember experiencing that horrible feeling of regretting having my second. I found the first 18 months with my first very difficult as he suffered from colic all that time and still didn't sleep through the night. I was working FT and it was just hell. Then it got a bit better and dp was desperate for another one. I really hesitated, was petrified second baby would be as difficult but everyone reassured me second babies were always easier and in the end, broodiness took over.

My DS was however had colic too and even worse than DD and I cried many times in utter exhaustion and despair wishing I could turn back time. It didn't last. Once the colic was over, I started to appreciate him for the little boy he was rather than the sibling I was giving my eldest and love flooded me. I used to stadisticslly asked myself who I would save in a fire if I could only save one and the response was always DD... Until that oem day when I just felt I would have to just save both no matter what and I then knew it was OK.

Don't panic, your OH is overwhelmed and need some more time to adjust. How much time does he spend with him? Maybe more time with the baby whilst you spend more time with the eldest would help.

mummmy2017 · 30/01/2019 17:29

Sit down with him and talk about what being an adult means.
Remind him of friends who have had children walked and done the same again, ask him if he thinks any other woman is going to want anything different than he has right now.
Remind him that the children are only young for a couple of years, then you will be able to do more...
Does he realise how lucky he is to watch his children grow, to tuck them in at night and still he can go out with friends...

cushioncuddle · 30/01/2019 17:42

Perhaps he's struggling and may be depressed. He sounds like he's having difficulty bonding with the baby.
Can you try to talk to him. Try to understand what he's feeling and help him recognise it.
Men can suffer from depression, stress or have difficulty bonding after a babies born. This isn't just a woman's right.

MitziK · 30/01/2019 18:06

Does 'getting his life back' mean 'having more opportunities for sex', by any chance?

Mashedpotatobutty · 30/01/2019 18:12

Sounds to me like he could have postnatal depression, please encourage him to see his GP and access support. You could talk to your Health Visitor to get him support too.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/01/2019 18:23

Except that a woman in this situation would still be expected to get on with most, if not all, of the domestic work and childcare, and if she was having two or three nights out per week she would be called unnatural, selfish, a shit mother and probably worse.

I'm not disputing that having two small children can be hard, or that men can suffer from depression, but there's a slight smell of self-centredness coming from this man's direction. He sounds like he could be laying the groundwork for doing nothing around the house or with the DC while the OP is expected to take care of everything and give up her own social life because boohoo, H is miserable and needs more free time...

Original poster
timeforteaplease1 · 03/02/2019 09:10

Hi all,

I’m back on this for some more advice.

Since I last posted on this my DH has treated me with disdain. Everything I talk or chat to him about has been met with monosyllabic responses and a look of total disinterest. I feel awful. My son had a bad night sleep wise and my DH this morning just said to me “you know how I feel about all this.”

I feel like he’s saying I tricked him into have a second child when I absolutely did not.

He has maintained a social life but it’s as if he just wants more. The reality is that his friends all have responsibilities and cannot act the way they did in their 20s.

I just feel really low.

OP posts:
Original poster
timeforteaplease1 · 03/02/2019 09:23

Anyone?

I’m wondering if I need to tell him to leave. He’s being a ray of sunshine to our elder DS. Sad

OP posts:
rainflowerstar · 03/02/2019 09:28

I would ask him to leave for a few days so you can get your head around what to do next. He is making you unhappy which is not fair on your children, they need a happy mummy. Your their full time parent right now.

Chapterandverse · 03/02/2019 09:28

Yes, tell him to leave.

He is ignoring his child.

Imagine how your ds2 will feel growing up.

embod · 03/02/2019 09:39

Hi I’m sorry you’re going through this - it isn’t easy.

He sounds exactly like my exH. He found the arrival of our second child hard to deal with. Our DD1 has been so easy and our DS is a different character. Suddenly family life required work and frankly he wasn’t cut out for. This sounds harsh but I think some men have a Peter Pan mentality and just don’t grow up. We struggled on for three years but our home became a toxic environment for everyone. I was lucky to have an amazing family and friends who supported me through our break up and four years on I’m so much happier. I’m not suggesting you end it with your DH - I’m just sharing my experience. I hope whatever you decide to do you end up happier. But something clearly needs to change as it sounds like no one is happy in your current situation.