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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know what to do about DH

105 replies

timeforteaplease1 · 29/01/2019 22:09

I have 2 DC with DH.

DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 6 months. I’ve noticed in the past few weeks that his attitude has changed towards DS2. Getting frustrated with him when he cries and rolling his eyes when his name is mentioned.

Yesterday he seemed really off and irritable. Finally last night night he said to me that he hates his life now he has two children and regrets DS2. He’s kind of hinted before that he finds it difficult. My elder DS was a very easy baby and DS2 is a bit trickier in that he’s not the best sleeper. That being said, I do all the nights and he’s a total joy other than the sleeping. Since DS2 was three weeks old he’s done one weekend of nights and I’ve done the rest.

He said he can’t wait to get his life back and I get what he means but, to give you an idea, he was out last Friday and rolled in at 3am, he’s out tomorrow to watch football with his mates and he’s got a boy’s night out on 9 February. He is not tied to the house all the time. He also goes to the gym.

I’m not moaning about this - I have my own social life.

The only thing is that we don’t socialise together very often as babysitters aren’t easy to come by.

He also told me he is feel long down about his job which, despite paying him well, leaves him completely wiped out.

I feel like he’s spoiling for an argument every time we speak. He told me tonight that he’s going out tomorrow night and it was so combative that I was taken aback. I told him he could go out no problem.

I feel like this might get worse and It really worries me.

FWIW I had a miscarriage after DS1 and he knows how much DS2 means to me (not that DS1 didn’t but DS2 came after a tough time for me)

All our friends also have children (bar a couple of his) so it’s not like we’re in a different situation from our mates.

What can I do?

OP posts:

Furrydogmum · 03/02/2019 09:43

Have you got support locally? You're "D"H is being awful and you need to potentially prepare yourself for going it alone. His attitude towards both children could be extremely damaging going forward.. One child who can do no wrong and one can do no right 😒
Speak to your hv or gp and look into counselling for both of you.
I really feel for you going through this, please talk to your families and see if you can get some support that way.

Original poster

timeforteaplease1 · 03/02/2019 09:49

I’ve considered approaching my MIL about it.m but have no idea how to bring it up to her.

My DH is incredibly stubborn so I don’t know how I’ll get through to him that he is completely jeopardising our family - other than telling him to leave.

Case in point he’s decided to go out and get breakfast for himself. No asking if I’d like anything. Just all about himself. He’s slowly disengaging with me.

OP posts:

cuppycakey · 03/02/2019 09:49

He sounds shit.

I agree with PP - time for a serious talk. If he won't do that I would start to get ducks in a row/quiet legal advice.

Could there be someone else on the scene? I hate to suggest this but I have seen this kind of "my life with you is shit" attitude before when someone is trying to justify their own shady behaviour.

Original poster

timeforteaplease1 · 03/02/2019 09:52

@cuppycakey

I seriously doubt if there’s anyone else. It’s the arrival of DS2 that’s causing all the problems and he’s taking it all out on me. Presumably with the attitude that I’ll just need to put up with his shit until he’s ready to be nice to me again.

OP posts:

cuppycakey · 03/02/2019 09:56

Ok - Why would you bring it up with MIL? Tbh I appreciate you are worried, but what's it got to do with her? It seems like infantilising him - telling mummy he is being naughty. He is behaving like a stroppy teen but actually he is an adult man with a family.

You say you would ask him to leave, What will you do if he refuses?

BIgBagofJelly · 03/02/2019 09:56

I would be concerned that he was suffering from depression and would ask him to see his GP.

Original poster

timeforteaplease1 · 03/02/2019 10:00

@cuppycakey

I think you’re simplifying or perhaps belittling what I would consider being a serious chat with the only person who knows him best. He is very close to his mum and I think she would/could provide some advice on how to manage the situation. It’s not a case of running to his mum to tell him he’s being naughty. It’s asking for her advice and opinion.

OP posts:

SaturdayNext · 03/02/2019 10:07

I think talking to your MIL is a good idea. She presumably knows him well and it sounds as if he'd listen to her. I can't see anything wrong with doing whatever it takes to sort this out.

Missingstreetlife · 03/02/2019 10:08

How old is he, 12? It can be hard when a second baby is small but they grow and become more interesting and less grunt work. If you can weather this things may improve. He is out of order to favour one child and to treat you like this. Suggest couple counselling, talk to his mum if you think she's sympathetic, and tell him this can't go on. If he won't buck up or get help you have to tip him out.

ChariotsofFish · 03/02/2019 10:09

When he says, ‘you know how I feel about ghis’, what’s he expecting? You have the second child, you both planned it and there’s nothing you can do to change it now. TBH it sounds like he is gearing up to leave you and there probably is someone else waiting in the wings. I’d ask him to leave, at least temporarily.

Original poster

timeforteaplease1 · 03/02/2019 10:09

He’s come into the bedroom where I feel like I’ve been hiding and I asked him if he was going to continue with the ignoring me and not speaking to me. His response was “Just leave me alone then” I said to him that I couldn’t leave him alone forever and he was being ridiculous. His response was “I have just told you to leave me alone” and walked out.

This is what I’m dealing with.

OP posts:

Original poster

timeforteaplease1 · 03/02/2019 10:11

I am exhausted by it all and just want to cry.

OP posts:

JenniferJareau · 03/02/2019 10:16

He said he can’t wait to get his life back

What did he mean by that?

JustanAunt · 03/02/2019 10:17

I'm so sorry OP.

He is being incredibly unfair and seems to only be considering his own feelings and no one else's. I think you need to prepare yourself for the worst regarding your relationship.

You should perhaps also be thinking about how much of this you are willing to put up with. You have tried talking to him and he is not willing to engage, this might be temporary or his new way of being.

I hope things get better one way or the other

Littleraindrop15 · 03/02/2019 10:17

Tell him to pack his bags.. I feel like it's not just your baby that's the issue.. He is targeting you for some odd reason do you think there could be another woman involved.

What's your living situation like is it rented or do you own it think some space apart might be the best way forward

BuggerFlip · 03/02/2019 10:18

Sounds awful OP. I'd just tell him to f off and move out. What awful unacceptable behaviour. Hes acting like a child and leaving you to do everything. Going out for breakfast on his own? He should be letting you have a lie in and giving you a coffee in bed.

whiteworld · 03/02/2019 10:19

I’m sorry to hear this. Whatever his reason, he’s treating you very badly. I’d ask him to leave. His behaviour is not fair on you.

If he is depressed or having a midlife crisis, that’s no excuse for being a dick.

I’d also ring his mum or see her, and tell her what’s been happening. In case he runs to her with a different story...

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/02/2019 10:21

Tbh I’d be thinking ow by now.

Babysgotyoureyes · 03/02/2019 10:23

That's not normal behaviour and it sounds very much like he is hiding something. Sorry to say but it sounds like he is looking for an escape route and is projecting the blame onto you. I would strongly suspect there is another woman and I would confront him. Why should you hide in your bedroom in your own home? He is attempting to bully you and undermine you. You need to stand up to him. How dare he treat you like that? As for mil.... I would most certainly leave her out of it, for now anyway. Her loyalties will almost certainly lie with him. She's his mother and you don't know what sort of spin he'll put on things to get her on side. This is between you and him and you need to confront him.

Morgan12 · 03/02/2019 10:24

I would ask him to leave for a few days. If he asks why tell him you need space to figure out if you want to live the rest of your life with a spoiled man child who basically ignores you. I really think you would benefit from some time without him.

MoreCheeseDear · 03/02/2019 10:25

He's already checking out. Tell him to go.

Tweennightmare · 03/02/2019 10:26

Tell him you can’t live like this. Suggest he moves out temporarily to MIL and give him time to decide wether he is in or out. If he is in then you expect him to start coparenting and acting like a family including DS2 . If he is out then you have probably shortened a couple of months of bad atmosphere in the house before coming to the same decision . You have nothing to lose and hopefully it will be the shock he needs if you take control of the situation instead of dancing to his moods

Unfinishedkitchen · 03/02/2019 10:28

Sounds like some woman at work has turned his head. He may not be cheating but he may be tempted by a woman who’s footloose and fancy free.

He sees his home life as drudgery now there’s two. He can’t send the second one back, so he needs to man up. I say stop avoiding the inevitable row, have it out with him, make him say what his issues are. Then tell him what his options are are and the consequences.

Fairylea · 03/02/2019 10:29

I’m going to say something I haven’t really told anyone before. When ds was little I felt like this. I already had an older child and ds was a much wanted baby but the reality of going through the baby stage again hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t the post natal depression I felt with dd - that was horrendous and I ended up going on antidepressants for two years- it was just this huge sense of anger and frustration. Dh and I argued about it a lot, he was very much “you” in the situation and got very upset and cross with me. (Understandably).

I don’t know what got me out of it to be honest, as ds got older things became easier and we just muddled through. However, I do remember one particularly bad argument dh and I had where I had basically left him and ds to it all weekend and dh told me he’d had enough and couldn’t be bothered with ds either - he didn’t mean that at all, of course, he was just saying it to shock me out of it and it worked because until then I’d not really realised dhs input as as optional as I’d seen my own. Maybe your dh needs you to say this to him? Of course you shouldn’t have to though.

I cringe when I look back on my feelings in those early days.

Arriettyborrower · 03/02/2019 10:29

He needs to leave, his attitude towards you and ds2 is intolerable.

I would speak to your mil, but I also wouldn’t put up with this any longer, his behaviour is vile and he needs to know you will not accept it.

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