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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do about DH

105 replies

timeforteaplease1 · 29/01/2019 22:09

I have 2 DC with DH.

DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 6 months. I’ve noticed in the past few weeks that his attitude has changed towards DS2. Getting frustrated with him when he cries and rolling his eyes when his name is mentioned.

Yesterday he seemed really off and irritable. Finally last night night he said to me that he hates his life now he has two children and regrets DS2. He’s kind of hinted before that he finds it difficult. My elder DS was a very easy baby and DS2 is a bit trickier in that he’s not the best sleeper. That being said, I do all the nights and he’s a total joy other than the sleeping. Since DS2 was three weeks old he’s done one weekend of nights and I’ve done the rest.

He said he can’t wait to get his life back and I get what he means but, to give you an idea, he was out last Friday and rolled in at 3am, he’s out tomorrow to watch football with his mates and he’s got a boy’s night out on 9 February. He is not tied to the house all the time. He also goes to the gym.

I’m not moaning about this - I have my own social life.

The only thing is that we don’t socialise together very often as babysitters aren’t easy to come by.

He also told me he is feel long down about his job which, despite paying him well, leaves him completely wiped out.

I feel like he’s spoiling for an argument every time we speak. He told me tonight that he’s going out tomorrow night and it was so combative that I was taken aback. I told him he could go out no problem.

I feel like this might get worse and It really worries me.

FWIW I had a miscarriage after DS1 and he knows how much DS2 means to me (not that DS1 didn’t but DS2 came after a tough time for me)

All our friends also have children (bar a couple of his) so it’s not like we’re in a different situation from our mates.

What can I do?

OP posts:
NannyRed · 03/02/2019 11:18

*I'd sit him down and tell him no one is holding him hostage and he's free to leave at any time and live the life of a single man.

In fact if he carries on, he will be living the single life whether he wants to or not.

What a wanker.*

Everything @catniss said is perfect.

He needs to make a choice and stick with it, dad and husband or single man, his choice but commitment to one or the other.

Suzysuzuki · 03/02/2019 11:23

He's looking for you to give him permission to leave. Then will blame you and you'll be the bad guy.
The impact on DS2 in a few years need to be considered. If you split then he will have access to them both without you - how will he treat DS2? How do you know he's treating him well when you are out socialising?

Ask him outright what he wants- if DS2 is the issue presumably he still loves you? Does he want to work at the relationship with you? You and both DS are a package.

I speak from experience. Ex-h said he wished he pulled out when DS2 arrived. I felt so protective of him. I stuck it out for 4 years.

CatnissEverdene · 03/02/2019 11:27

Having read your update, I think he's pushing you to your limits so you tell him to go.

Honest answer, I would set him free. He'll either realise what he faces losing, or he will run without looking back. But the important part is that you won't have to live your life treading on eggshells while he works it out.

You all deserve better Flowers

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 03/02/2019 11:29

Agree with timeisnotaline and the other PP who said you need to bring this 'game' he's playing at out into the open. Tell him 'Your behaviour is intolerable and it's as if you're trying to push me into telling you to leave. Why are you doing this?' You'll probably get speechlessness, self-pity or counter-attack. Then tell him he's got what he wanted, you're asking him to go (agree with a PP to not use the 'for a few days' line. He needs to see you playing hardball) because you won't tolerate his rejection of ds2 and you won't tolerate being made miserable in your own home. Send him to pack a bag. Don't engage further at this point. Thereafter, you talk to him only when you are ready. He has the power atm, he knows it, and I bet he enjoys it. Turn the tables.

Tinkobell · 03/02/2019 11:55

I'd ask him to leave OP, it seems to be what he wants. He can go talk to his mother himself, he will have time to go and do that. You can't wave the magic wand and make the kids vanish which would presumably fix all of his 'woes', so he must leave and while he's gone sort out in his mind what the hell he actually wants from his life. But before he goes, I would make it very very clear to him that leaving you - effectively in the lurch, unsupported with 2 young kids, will cause damage to

Loulzze · 03/02/2019 11:56

Have you sat down and asked him what he wants? What does he want you to do about it? You can't put DS2 back.. So tell me DH, what is the solution, what will make you happy?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 03/02/2019 11:57

His attitude is horrendous and Flowers for you.

I would ask him to leave for a few days so you can get your head around what to do next.

I would do this and also call his mother and tell her exactly how he has been behaving keep it verrerry factual so she can “support” him. He should be utterly ashamed and if he does need professional help he needs to seek it himself. If he won’t he can’t be helped.

Tinkobell · 03/02/2019 12:00

Am saddened by the fact that a lot of mums often come across as feeling bad or guilty for babies and kids being hard work and encroaching on their DH's sacred freedoms! Don't feel like this please! It's just how it is ....you are doing your best with little support. You are NOT to blame. Your DC sound delightful, your DH sounds like a tosser.

elfies · 03/02/2019 12:06

If your husband doesn't want your new baby, please don't let his resentment ruin Ds2s life or his relationship with his brother .
Such favouritism will rankle all their lives .
I have a feeling you know, deep down what you have to do for your sanity and the happiness of both boys.
Good luck x

PepsiLola · 03/02/2019 12:19

Pack him a bag OP, text your MIL and tell him you're doing it.

Then tell him to leave and that his mother is expecting him

newmun · 03/02/2019 12:29

What a horrible situation OP! Look after yourself And your DC Flowers

randomchap · 03/02/2019 12:58

Do you still love him? Do you think the relationship is savable?

It sounds like he's possibly depressed. Phrases like "I just want to be left alone" and wanting to disengage from the things he loves can be a sign of potentially suicidal thoughts. The way he is acting is unreasonable and this is extremely concerning. Telling him that his feelings are ridiculous isn't going to help.

PettyContractor · 03/02/2019 14:07

Why, in threads like these, do people always suggest "telling" the husband to leave. She's not his boss. Both have an equal right to live in the home. It's probably more him than her that's paying for it. If one partner wants to be without the other, they can't force them to leave, so in theory it's the one who wants the split who should have to leave.

PettyContractor · 03/02/2019 14:08

Yes, I know practicalities of finance and children etc. But I would't be leaving a home I alone paid off several years before first DC was born because DW didn't like having me around.

Drogosnextwife · 03/02/2019 14:18

He sounds like a total selfish prick OP. What does he want you to do give up ds2 for a adoption or does he plan to ignore you and the baby for the rest of your lives. Pack his bags and tell him you can't be with someone so self absorbed anymore. Tell hi. To go out with his friends if that's all that important to him.

Drogosnextwife · 03/02/2019 14:21

If one partner wants to be without the other, they can't force them to leave, so in theory it's the one who wants the split who should have to leave.

Nope because the children come first and they shouldn't be uprooted from their home because their father doesn't want one of them so He should be the one to leave, and yes would say the same if it was the mother unwilling to look after their child.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 03/02/2019 14:24

What I would be asking him is exactly what he wants you to do about 'getting his life back?' What does that even mean?

It sounds draining OP and I really feel for you. I think some breathing space would really help both of you.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 03/02/2019 14:35

If it is out of character I'd be worried about him, I knew a man like this, couldn't cope when the child was born and ended up leaving and sadly took his own life and that baby no longer has a father, I'd be trying to get him help in the same way I'd try and get anyone else help who may depressed.

I'm pretty disgusted at many of the uncaring attitudes on here.

BrilliantDarling · 03/02/2019 15:00

@bluebeck
I really like my DIL but if she came to me saying there was a problem with DS I would back him 100%.

Even if he was being a prick?

Juells · 03/02/2019 15:10

I'm pretty disgusted at many of the uncaring attitudes on here.

Maybe the posters with the uncaring attitudes are people who did all the supporting and thinking it was depression and asking the partner to go to the GP for help, and found that the real reason was that the DH wanted to leave, but didn't want to be the one to make the decision.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 03/02/2019 15:14

Juells
Maybe, but that doesn't excuse it, do you judge everyone on other people's behaviour?

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 03/02/2019 15:28

*I'd be trying to get him help in the same way I'd try and get anyone else help who may depressed.

I'm pretty disgusted at many of the uncaring attitudes on here.*

You cannot force an adult to 'get help'. And the mental health of two children are at stake here, not just the adult's.

SusanneLinder · 03/02/2019 16:23

Well I have 2 married DD's and if they were acting like arseholes, I would bloody tell them so ( and have).

This walking on eggshells is ridiculous in your own home. I'd tell him to leave if he can't grow up. He helped to bring 2 children into the world, not just one.

bluebeck · 03/02/2019 16:28

@brilliantdarling I really like my DIL. I love my son.

If my adult DD or DS partners contacted me to have a moan about them I would stop them before they got going and tell them they needed to communicate with DS/DD about it, not me. I would consider it pretty manipulative if DDIL did anything like that.

I don't consider it my place to tell my adult DC what they should and shouldn't be doing in their adult relationships. I keep out of it.

However, I agree totally with PP re walking on eggshells in your own home OP.

ENormaSnob · 03/02/2019 16:39

I think he's checked out of the marriage.

Be v v v surprised if no ow on the scene.