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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know what to do about DH

105 replies

timeforteaplease1 · 29/01/2019 22:09

I have 2 DC with DH.

DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 6 months. I’ve noticed in the past few weeks that his attitude has changed towards DS2. Getting frustrated with him when he cries and rolling his eyes when his name is mentioned.

Yesterday he seemed really off and irritable. Finally last night night he said to me that he hates his life now he has two children and regrets DS2. He’s kind of hinted before that he finds it difficult. My elder DS was a very easy baby and DS2 is a bit trickier in that he’s not the best sleeper. That being said, I do all the nights and he’s a total joy other than the sleeping. Since DS2 was three weeks old he’s done one weekend of nights and I’ve done the rest.

He said he can’t wait to get his life back and I get what he means but, to give you an idea, he was out last Friday and rolled in at 3am, he’s out tomorrow to watch football with his mates and he’s got a boy’s night out on 9 February. He is not tied to the house all the time. He also goes to the gym.

I’m not moaning about this - I have my own social life.

The only thing is that we don’t socialise together very often as babysitters aren’t easy to come by.

He also told me he is feel long down about his job which, despite paying him well, leaves him completely wiped out.

I feel like he’s spoiling for an argument every time we speak. He told me tonight that he’s going out tomorrow night and it was so combative that I was taken aback. I told him he could go out no problem.

I feel like this might get worse and It really worries me.

FWIW I had a miscarriage after DS1 and he knows how much DS2 means to me (not that DS1 didn’t but DS2 came after a tough time for me)

All our friends also have children (bar a couple of his) so it’s not like we’re in a different situation from our mates.

What can I do?

OP posts:

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 03/02/2019 10:30

He's trying to provoke you to tell him to leave - awful behaviour

Peridot1 · 03/02/2019 10:30

It’s very easy to say kick him out but the reality tends to be different.

timefortea - can anyone look after the children while you sit and talk to him? I appreciate it is not easy to talk with two little ones around.

I would start by saying he seems very unhappy and angry. Suggest he sees the GP or you try marriage counselling. If he is not willing to open up or try to fix it you have your answer.

Juells · 03/02/2019 10:31

I would agree with others who said he might need some help.

Some posters on MN make me wonder if women should have no expectations for their own happiness at all, just run around after a man and being all understanding when he's being a shit.

I got to the stage with my ex where I dreaded hearing his car pulling into the drive, he'd stomp into the house, if he happened to come into the kitchen he'd ignore me and stomp out again. It got to the stage where I started calling him Little Hitler, he was that bad. His resentment towards me and the children seemed to be off the charts. It turned out there was an OW who was stirring the pot, but in your case it might just be infantile resentment at life not being perfect at the moment.

Either way, who the hell needs to be made feel awful in their own home? The one place you should be able to relax and feel safe. And your poor little baby! I bitterly regret the time I spent trying to pander and appease and find out what was wrong and was there anything I could do to help and maybe a visit to the doctor would help and blah blah bloody blah. He wanted out, but didn't have the balls to say so because it would look bad to be leaving small children.

Have a think about whether your life would be easier without him in it.

CandleWithHair · 03/02/2019 10:32

On some level by his behaviour he WANTS you to tell him to leave OP. Given he’s adding nothing to your life right now, I say give him what he wants, but don’t make it easy on him.

If you want to potentially allow him to try to resolve this situation, this is the one opportunity for a proper wake up call. He needs to understand he is losing everything. Don’t give him the ‘few days’ breathing space line, let him go and don’t engage beyond the required bare minimum r.e. the kids. You can speak to MIL if you want, but not in such a way that it seems you’re trying to keep him. Tell her what is going on and why you’ve asked him to leave and leave it at that.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

BlueSuffragette · 03/02/2019 10:36

Ask him straight out if he loves you and wants a future with you. If not he might as well leave now. At least you will know and can begin to start again with your sons. Sorry OP but he sounds like he's already gone emotionally so may as well move out.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 03/02/2019 10:38

I think you need to ask him to leave for a few days while you have a long think about what kind of home you want to raise your boys in. And he needs to have a long think about what it means to be a grown up, a husband and parent with responsibilities.

Your boys, BOTH boys, deserve parent(s) that want to be there.

BOTH boys deserve love.

BOTH boys deserve to be wanted and not resented.

BOTH boys need to know that they are equally loved and wanted.

And YOU deserve to be loved by your spouse, and respected by your spouse, and for him to have your back.

You don't have any of that right now in your DH. He has openly said so. You are walking on eggshells. And he is putting you in the position, deliberately, of making you feel you have to do everything for them, for the house, for him, to keep him. This isn't right. And this will cause long term damage to you and your boys if it continues.

He can't be there if he's going to do this. He just can't.

He needs to grow up or get out permanently. And to come back, he needs to sit down with you and talk to you about how he's going to change, how he's going to step up, and apologise to you for what he's said and done about you and your littlest one.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/02/2019 10:38

It’s sounds horrible for you OP.

I agree with those who say he is trying to provoke you into asking him to leave so he can come across as the good guy.

I would make it clear to him that this is what you think. Ask him why.

Ask him what it says about him that he can’t be honest. Then ask him to be honest so you know where you stand.

ooooheck · 03/02/2019 10:42

OP Please ask him to leave and send him to his mums

It might be that he needs help but only he can sort that out. You can’t get through to him like this.

Quartz2208 · 03/02/2019 10:44

Tell him to go to his mums while he works out what he wants as he has two options

to come on board with life as it is with you and his two children and enjoy it
leave and go and enjoy the single life

Because there is no inbetween. You cant live like this in this purgatory and he needs to decide what he wants and he needs to do that away from you and your children

You are staying there with your children and if he decides 1) you are happy to get counselling and support

cuntymckuntface · 03/02/2019 10:47

Awk OP what a horrible situ.. I really feel for you.
He may be suffering from stress / depression. Men can get a form of PND.
My dh went into shock after DS2 was born to the point where he had awful diarrhoea and was only able to visit us in hospital twice!

He needs to go to his GP to explore this.
If it's not medical and he's just an asshole, then you need to decide whether you can work with him to resolve.

I think speaking with MIL is a great idea. You're going to her for support with you all.

Could she take the kids for a day / night to allow you some time to talk? You'll not be able to have the conversation you need to with them around.

I really hope you get this resolved, one way or another xx

Juells · 03/02/2019 10:48

The years can really slip away while you battle with this kind of situation - you get so enmeshed in worrying about how to solve it that you lose sight of the fact that you're having a miserable life yourself.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 03/02/2019 10:48

Have a talk with him but it sounds like he wants to leave.

SummerHouse · 03/02/2019 10:50

Mental illness can strip you of your ability to love your child. It can make you angry and selfish. But you have to protect yourself OP. Support him if you can but know when you need to step back. Only he can accept help and acknowledge the issues he is facing.

timeisnotaline · 03/02/2019 10:52

You need to tell him to leave, but you should say that every time you are in the same room as ds2 or I everything you say and everything you do shouts you want to leave us. Stop being such a fucking coward , we aren’t your punching bags. I’m your partner and who you said you love and ds2 is a helpless baby you chose to have with me. So go, you’ve made your decision.

Making it very clear it’s his decision, so you can correct people when he says it was yours. If he backtracks fine but I think he has to go fir a few days no matter what.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/02/2019 10:58

Speak to your MIL if you think it would help. See if he will come to counselling if that would help. I have to say when my Ex started behaving like this is was because there was an OW - thats why he is now my Ex. Sometimes these man-children just cant grow up and take responsibility!

bluebeck · 03/02/2019 11:00

I really like my DIL but if she came to me saying there was a problem with DS I would back him 100%.

I would be furious if my partner went to my mother for "advice about me". Are you very young OP?

Will he actually leave if you ask him to? Do you own/rent? I wouldn't care less what he tells other people at this point. You need to be thinking about yourself and the children.

LagunaBubbles · 03/02/2019 11:02

I agree with people he's looking for an excuse for you to leave him. Then it's all your fault kind of thing. He's being absolutely despicable and there's only so long you will be able to put up with this before it affects your own mental health. Get out now. If this carries on then the affects on your children will be devastating, 1 being Dad's favourite and 1 the problem child. You see it here with adults all the time.

wonderwig · 03/02/2019 11:03

Did he want ds2? Why did he say you know how I feel about this?

crimsonlake · 03/02/2019 11:07

What a horrible situation for you...it sounds as if he is already living the single life whilst enjoying the benefits of marriage. This is no way to live and you are walking around on eggshells. As others have pointed out it is not so easy as asking him to leave and a case of he will go quietly. He is taking everything out on you and your second child and this must stop. It appears from his behaviour that he is waiting for you to say those words... tell him you cannot go on like this and see what he has to say. Good luck.

allthatmalarkey · 03/02/2019 11:08

He sounds depressed to me. We keep hearing men can suffer a form of PND and why not, even if you don't have the hormonal swings, becoming a parent is a massive change.

People telling him to buck up: would you say that to a mum struggling with with the way their life has changed after kids?

Is there any chance he may recognise this?

allthatmalarkey · 03/02/2019 11:10

People turn into their worst selves when they're depressed. Not exactly news.

PearsandWine · 03/02/2019 11:12

I'm another one who thinks there is OW. This feels horribly reminiscent of what my exH did to me when DS1 was small. I could do no right and he started claiming to be busy at work all the time and "working late". In fact he was having an affair.

This only came to light years later when I caught him out in another affair and that ultimately led to the end of our marriage. I was furious largely because obviously someone has to step up and parent a child who is a fait accompli and not only had he unilaterally decided that would be me when he was the one who wanted children, but he had also decided that somehow he was a poor trapped individual and I was his gaoler.

I could have saved myself twenty years of grief if I had known about first affair then because I could never respect someone who behaves like this and would have kicked him out then instead of twenty years later.

Sorry OP he is not the partner you and your DC deserve.

GB54 · 03/02/2019 11:12

He rollls his eyes when his son’s name is mentioned? And yet he’s fine with DS1? That would drive me insane but I think the possibility of depression needs to be considered. If nothing changes over the next few months then I’d probably leave.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 03/02/2019 11:12

He needs to go for a few days. You need to think. Personally I agree with SGB. I have PTSD and depression but it's simply not an excuse to treat my family like shit.

GummyGoddess · 03/02/2019 11:13

Counselling or split, he will damage both children with his blatant favoritism as well as damaging their relationship with YOU for allowing it to happen. It's easier said than done but there are two much more important people at stake than your marriage.

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