To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

1. No to honeymoon- it’s a private trip for bride and groom

1. Rather than go out invite them to your house for a meal and catch up

1. Give any toy gifts to the kids at your place and help the kids unwrap, take out of box immediately so the kids can play with their things and it makes it harder to sell

OR use a permanent marker and helpfully label their new clothes ready for school/play dates so they don’t get ‘lost’

Wow. The more I read the more I’m 😱 at their attitudes. Absolutely crazy.

You need to start saying no.

If cinema trips are suggested order tickets online just yours.
Dinners out? Two seperate bills. Make it clear. Or you take cash budget yours and then only have enough for you.
The wedding? Nope. Her parents unless you are close to them can pick up the kids once ready. No idea why they have to come.
Honeymoon? Nope. But if they do get the cash to pay for the nyc trip then just don’t see them.

1. If you suspect that friend has sold one the kids toys /clothes, ask the child to bring it out so you can play together.....

I’d also be commenting on those Facebook selling pages when I saw them - “Gosh, looks familiar! I hope that’s not the one you asked me to buy X for his birthday!”

I think your DP needs to tell his brother that under circumstances will they becoming on YOUR honeymoon, and if they do 'turn up' you will not be funding/spending any time with them as you are on your HONEYMOON. And what you are willing to accept her dictating what happens at your wedding you want no children then it NO CHILDREN, she wants her parents to stay to look after their children then they pay for her parents room and food.

You also need to have a talk about what the both of you feel is an acceptable 'support' you are prepared to fund their lifestyle. For example I would say it is acceptable to say gift up to the value
of say £20 for birthday and £30 for Christmas. If you are still prepared to pay for them every time you go out. Personally I would say pay for a meal out on their birthday and no other time.

And what are you going to do when they can not meet their credit cards payments, loans and worse their doorstep loans. And when she doesn't get this compensation claim payout.

Oh my, sounds like she is using a loan shark. I did training on this before I went on maternity and all I learnt is it spells big trouble.

Let us know how you get on with saying no. They sound very entitled to me.

They are cheeky fuckers and you and your DH are mugs in putting up with this behaviour. I'd have been out of there loooooooooong ago.

I feel very sad for you, that you think this is a friendship.
It really isn't and your kindness is being exploited.

Fabaunt I assume these are the same friends who feed their two young children a very poor diet and you are concerned about their ballooning weight?

So, having read all this OP, what are you going to do about it?

The thing is though OP, for them to come on your honeymoon requires you to tell them everything about it- which airport/flight/departure time/package etc etc. For her to buy the same wedding shoes as you requires you to tell her what make they are etc etc. If you simply stop telling them everything then you'll solve your problem very quickly.

@Nanny0g I am going to take on board whats been said. I am going to stop asking her, and all my friends with kids actually, what to get them on birthdays and for Christmas. Taking them on a day out sounds like it would be a nice treat, and I could spoil them being out. I’m not buying extravagant gifts for them to be resold on social media anymore. I will ask DP to stand up for me if BIL says I’m upsetting my friend, and explain she upset me too by reselling gifts she asked me to buy.

Regarding the honeymoon, I know what I need to say I’m just not sure how to deliver it. We are flying to Florida, staying one night there before boarding the cruise ship for the Bahamas, then finishing the trip in NYC, for 3 nights before flying home. They’re planning on doing it all with us. The only saving grace is the cruise is all inclusive. I will talk it over with DP and agree they aren’t welcome with us, then try deliver it jokingly, remind them its our honeymoon and we won’t spend a lot of it with our clothes on. If we have to change the dates slightly, I will look into that too.

I really loved the idea of getting the tickets online for the cinema so I think that’s something that I can definitely do.

We actually did mention after our weekend away, and seeing how sour my friend was that we were tightening our belts. BIL “jokingly” asked DP if he was giving up personal training and drinking craft beers.

I think the way forward is just be honest. It will be difficult but myself and him need to come to some agreement on what to say. Explain we feel under appreciated and a bit taken advantage of, and that we can’t pay for every meal and every drink every time, we would never expect that from them.

Being truthful I don’t really know how to approach the wedding and her kids. I don’t want children at my wedding, but I know saying that will cause huge upset. That will be harder than the honeymoon and meal chat. Telling her her children aren’t welcome will be the worst slap in the face I could give her. So I think I will probably have to compromise on this.

@skunk, she was with me when I chose my shoes. She’s a very close friend. She knows these things. I talk about what I’m having at my wedding, she’s my bridesmaid and her husband is groomsman.

Telling her her children aren’t welcome will be the worst slap in the face I could give her

And yet she seems to be able to cope with the idea of a holiday without them hey...

Sorry if I've missed it, but how are they planning to pay for the Florida/Bahamas/NYC trip?

I'd like to know how the DWP give him benefits for wanting to lose weight. Would they give it to me? I need to lose about 4 stone. If I stick to it, will take about a year, then possibly I can go back to work again.

OMG, these people! Actual leeches would be embarrassed to behave like this.

This woman is not your friend, no friend demands stuff of people they care about. All she wants from you is what she can get. She is close to you - so she can get to your wallets! They are parasites who will bleed you dry to keep themselves going in the lifestyle they want but aren't prepared to work for, and you are enabling them as long as you keep paying out.

They do not get a say in who comes to your wedding, as it is YOUR wedding. It's YOUR honeymoon, plus you didn't try to wrangle your way into theirs!

Outrageous!

Did your dp used to sub his brother and sister in law before you came along?

I am wondering if dp accidently started this and then when you met him it became sort of the norm and you just followed your dps lead.

I get the spoiling kids thing I do it with my dns however the wedding you just need to say that the kids are welcome but if they want them to go home then they need to organise this or leave early.

My brothers did this for my wedding, got the in law grandparents to collect the kids after the lunch.

Personally weddings are for family and the nieces and nephews will become your family more so when you are married.

Sorry but you sound like a pushover. Tell them no. Everytime. My Dads brother was very much like this and his wife was even worse. They were bitter that my Dad had done so well in life in comparison to them and they took advantage of his generosity (he paid for a few holidays for all the family) and started hassling him for money and being right arseholes. He cut them off and still doesn't see them now. That's exactly what you should be doing.

Just burst out laughing and say 'you aren't invited! It's our honeymoon oh you do make me laugh!'....it is laughable.

No DP wouldn’t have because before BIL met my friend he would have had a decent job in sales and was self sufficient. When they met she moved in to his apartment and he paid for everything. When they got married she wanted to move back closer to her mother, so he found it hard to get work in his area (sales/commission) that paid as well as where he was, and she didn’t really want to work. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. They then had the kids. He started to focus on losing weight and doing cross fit and training so would spend hours in the gym and then prepping meals to make sure he was eating the correct food. Now neither of them have time to work.

If you just stay civil with them as they are your only inlaws then so be it, but please stop telling them everything you're doing, as they expect to be involved and paid for.

I just can't see how they can afford to go away on breaks and on this cruise if they have no jobs, without being massively in debt. At some point they debts will catch up with them and they will look to you to bail them out - so you need to cool the friendship, or at least make it clear that the handouts have stopped for good.

Also please do an assertiveness course OP, and learn how to say no!

Regarding the honeymoon, I know what I need to say I’m just not sure how to deliver it.

You can't come with us because we don't want you to. Please don't keep asking. Thank you for your understanding.

She sounds almost as much a CF as my sister. I cut them off years ago. Just financially not totally. You aren’t a ‘friend’ when you are being used as a cash machine.

If he was in sales he knows how to "talk people round" to loosen the purse strings.

You need to have the attitude "I'm not paying for them no matter how many stunts they pull or what they say"