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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 30/01/2019 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2019 11:20

You are still going to be sucked in.

You are still going to tolerate being used.

You are still going to pander to them.

In fact, very little (if anything) is going to change.

FrancisCrawford · 30/01/2019 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CallMeRachel · 30/01/2019 11:27

You know, it's not your place to mother them and the kids op?

Do you get some kind of misguided fulfilment from giving so much to these people?

Their kids are not yours, and never will be.

It sounds to me like it's her, your 'bf' that's the issue. Your partners brother obviously had some kind of work ethic but he's being dragged down by a lazy, grabby woman.

Honestly this thread is so frustrating.

You need to focus on your own life together as a couple and fuck her off to the far side of the moon. You want a child free wedding? Good, you can have one! It's not her day, it's yours.
Don't you dare let her dominate and overrule your wishes. Memories of your big day will last forever, fake friendships not so much.

Wake up.

AhNowTed · 30/01/2019 11:27

Pure and simple entitled TAKERS who think you and the taxpayer owes them a living.

HopeGarden · 30/01/2019 12:09

Regarding the honeymoon, I know what I need to say I’m just not sure how to deliver it.

Say that you want the honeymoon to be a private holiday for just the bride and groom? That’s the traditional way honeymoons work!

Would they really tag along if you bluntly said “we don’t want you there because it’s our honeymoon”?

(And I’m also baffled about how they can even consider this sort of trip if neither of them work. Unless they’re expecting you to pay for absolutely everything, flights, cruise and all?)

Poloshot · 30/01/2019 12:14

Of course at least one of them has time to work. It's utter bullshit and they're parasites. You know what to do Op.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2019 12:19

Now neither of them have time to work.

If you really believe that you're as bad as they are.

Namastethefuckawayfromme · 30/01/2019 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Renster · 30/01/2019 12:37

I’m intrigued. What does he consider the ‘right food’? And if he spends that much time in the gym, surely he should ripped AF?!!
Sorry, but he doesn’t have time to work is utter, utter bollocks. The only people who spend so much time in the gym they have no time for a job are the people for whom the GYM is their job.
Their brazenness is breathtaking.

storm11111 · 30/01/2019 12:38

Hi X. I feel like recently money has become a source of tension between us and as you know i love you to bits and don't want something like money get in the way of our great friendship. Therefore i propose that on all social occasions we simply pay for ourselves and keep our finances separately. That way there are no issues and everybody knows where they stand. Love Fabaunt

QueenofallIsee · 30/01/2019 12:43

No to the honeymoon because it’s your HONEYMOON and they’d have to be the ultimate in self centred not to get that, and quietly withdrawing from situations that lead to these awkward outcomes seems to be the way. If you don’t ask them to eat out with you, they won’t expect you to pay. If they ask you, politely decline on the basis that you are saving. If they come and ask for money outright, your DP can deal with it.

Spidey66 · 30/01/2019 12:51

I still can't understand why they're on benefits though, I thought you had to jump hoops and wait ages to get it.
What is he saying to the DWP?

CoraPirbright · 30/01/2019 12:56

Telling her her children aren’t welcome will be the worst slap in the face I could give her

Try thinking about it in a different way - its not that her children aren’t welcome, its that the bride and groom want a child free wedding. And as a pp pointed out, you are going to piss off your friends who have jumped through hoops to sort out childcare.

When the honeymoon topic comes up again, I would look utterly astonished and say “ I thought you were joking when you said you would come! That’s our honeymoon!! You cant possibly be serious about coming too” And look incredulous at the very idea. (Of course they are very serious about coming as they think you are going to foot the entire bill).

SalemtheBIackCat · 30/01/2019 13:09

OP: "She’s a very close friend."

No she isn't. She doesn't know the meaning of friend. She is not your friend, she simply puts up with you because you are with her husband's brother. She is a user. She is not a friend and never has been.

"Telling her her children aren’t welcome will be the worst slap in the face I could give her"

Who gives a shit what she thinks? It's your wedding! Your wedding, your rules! And besides, it's not like she cares too much about her kids if she is selling all their clothes and toys.

She seems to not only despise you and is friends with you simply because she has no other choice, she seems to have no regard for her own kids as she takes their gifts off them and sells them. She is a nasty parasite who seems to only care about what money she can scrounge from everyone for massages, nails, trips etc. She has a beer budget but is determined to live a champagne lifestyle even if that means stealing her children's clothes and toys to sell and using you.

You really need to wise up. You're a lovely person being taken advantage of by a woman who barely disguises her despise and jealousy towards you. She is not your friend, not even remotely, let alone 'close'. You are fooling yourself. Believe me, she despises you and feels resentment that she married the wrong brother.

SleepWarrior · 30/01/2019 13:27

How you approach depends on how much of the relationship you want to salvage. As BIL is family for your DP I guess you want to keep things as nice as possible. I'd go with:

"Look, we love you guys and love spending time with you but things have got a bit silly. Finances are tight for you, which we understand and have tried to help out with, but it's getting too much for us to keep paying for everything. Let's start doing things together that don't cost money - dinner and drinks at each others houses, walks in the park with the kids etc. Also, coming on the cruise with us is a great idea, but let's save that for another holiday in the future as our honeymoon we'd like to be just us - you only get one honeymoon after all! "

Mitzimaybe · 30/01/2019 13:44

I don't get this. Telling her her children aren’t welcome at your wedding will be the worst slap in the face and yet she wants to gatecrash your honeymoon so she can get away from her children. It is CRAZY. You still don't seem to be seeing it clearly.

PonyPals · 30/01/2019 13:47

OP I think you are still delusional
Is this even real Hmm

HopeGarden · 30/01/2019 13:48

Be aware op, that if you have a child free wedding, with the exception of these particular children then you run the risk of pissing off all the guests who spent time and money organising childcare.

Given that these particular children are the grooms nephews or nieces, OP and her DP could probably spin it as “no children except close family children”.
Most people would consider nephews / nieces of the bride / groom to be a reasonable exception to a “no children” rule.

TheBhagwan · 30/01/2019 13:58

I must ask, OP— why do you use the word “myself” instead of “me”? I see it a lot on here and it befuddles me.

OrangeJellySpread · 30/01/2019 14:02

Someone explains to me how two scroungers can afford a cruise and a trip to NYC? I am doing something wrong with my life.

PuppyMonkey · 30/01/2019 14:15

What a baffling tale.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 30/01/2019 14:41

Buy the kids books for presents and write inside each one “To X,with love from Uncle and Auntie” and add in some sweeties, socks, small toy etc

Good idea

crosstalk · 30/01/2019 14:51

OP have you sat down with your DP and discussed strategy? I think you should. His DB might even welcome a heart to heart about how to handle his wife's expectations and his own. I still don't understand what they're living on - as PPs with fibro have said you can still work though not necessarily in a job which requires regular physical commitment if it flares, and given the cost of child care ..... However I'm stunned her husband can NOT work ... is he pathologically obese? clearly not if he can work out. So he is spinning a line as well as her falling over in supermarkets? And they're in debt to you as well as debt agencies? Can her parents help?

Sit down with your DP and go through your anxieties and how you can both work this out. It's his brother, and his brother's gf.

pinkyredrose · 30/01/2019 14:52

Just say you've decided childfree means just that or other family and friends would expect to bring thiers and you'd end up with 30 children or something. You make decisions about your wedding, no one else. No wonder they see you as a soft touch.