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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
captainjackandjill · 29/01/2019 20:01

Another one with fibro as well as other health problems. When things are going pretty good I can work part time and certainly can clean my houseHmm. When things are not as good there is no way I could do a trip or out for dinner/movie or wear bloody high heels (actually wouldn't even do those things when feeling pretty good as they would fatigue me and could make me worse). I even declined to be part of a wedding party as I didn't want my health to cause any issues. Her fibro seems to be awfully convenient. She's taking the mick. And from the comments she's made, she's not a very nice person. There is zero respect from her towards you and your DP. Not a friend.

OffToBedhampton · 29/01/2019 20:08

Goodness sake, they see you as a free cash point. Some straight talking is needed or you'll be stuck with them using you all your life even when you have DC. You don't have to put anything in your card for them to (not) pay you back later nor do you have to loan them money .. I'd reply "oh dear, but no, you've had quite enough money off of us" if they give you sob story.

Why not say bluntly to them, this freeloading off of us has got to stop, so we aren't doing it anymore. You pay for yourselves.

When you go out for drinks tell them they buy their.own as they don't take their share in rounds otherwise.
If they suggest a meal, say they are paying for themselves on separate bill. "Waiter, we're sharing a table but two separate bills, so please take our orders separately"
They buy their own cinema tickets. You just order your own two.
Don't go out to places that cost with them if you can (saying "we can't afford you" )
Don't tell them about honeymoon or where you are staying. Stop humouring them and tell them straight, "No, don't be ridiculous. It's our honeymoon" and in future "it's our holiday , we want to go alone and we are not subsidising you"

They'd really have annoyed me by now. And siblings and Sails/BILs can take some blunt talking to.

OffToBedhampton · 29/01/2019 20:21

*SILs not Sails!

Really you need to nip it in the bud regarding NYC and your honeymoon. It is NOT their holiday, it's a frigging honeymoon!! Just say no.

And don't invite them on any of your holidays they just want to freeload. DP can still be friend with his DBro without giving him money! And You can go on holidays will other friends (but not honeymoon) who don't take the financial p*as.
Don't let them emotionally blackmail you.

AhNowTed · 29/01/2019 20:22

They have absolutely NO SHAME.

Coldandfrosty · 29/01/2019 20:45

Omfg

Porridgeoat · 29/01/2019 20:53

Stop telling them stuff. Don’t tell them holiday destinations, brands etc. Also do quiet nights with them - so meals in and tv film.

Thatwasfast · 29/01/2019 20:56

Goodness me, a loan shark

🍿

ZenNudist · 29/01/2019 20:58

They are toxic. Leave your DP to sort out his own things with his brother. Meanwhile you're going to have to get rid of this woman as a bridesmaid. You do realise it's going to ruin your wedding to have this person involved.

I speak as someone who had a toxic friend trying to ruin my wedding. She complained about absolutely everything. This woman is going to take advantage of you for your entire hen do and wedding situation. Take heed just get rid of her now.

Step one definitely do not invite her parents to your wedding. Step 2 make it very clear that they are not welcome on your honeymoon. Say something like well don't be offended if we don't see you whilst we're in New York, we will be on our honeymoon and we will only have 3 days there and will want to spend time just the two of us.

funkylittleboatrace · 29/01/2019 20:59

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ZenNudist · 29/01/2019 21:08

Thinking about it and you sure that your BIL isn't making money on the side in some illegal or dodgy fashion? I don't think they're entire lifestyle can be paid for by a loan.

Why don't you flip it back on her? Next time she says that she's got no money say "you can't be that hard up if you're buying a pair of LBTs" or "you can't be that hard up if you're planning a trip to New York", " you can't be that hard up if you are managing to get your hair done and your nails done etc"... " you can't be that hard up if you and your DH both manage to not work go to the gym and generally live a lovely easy life". Start saying that you couldn't afford to live her lifestyle with their lack of earning, they must be very lucky. See if that shuts her up.

Romanov · 29/01/2019 21:17

Initially we didn’t want children at our wedding just so parents could chill out and relax and I am not comfortable with adults drinking around children but my friend told DP he could fck off, that his nephews were going. That was fine, not worth the row*.
really? you put up with this?
Now she is requesting her parents are invited so they can leave after the meal with the kids.
well they can go before the meal, in fact, they could just stay at home with the kids! sorted

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 29/01/2019 21:20

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Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 29/01/2019 21:38

You poor thing! This is super cheeky fucker territory. There is a real sense of entitlement off of these two...

It sounds like a really unhealthy relationship dynamic has established itself between the 4 of you and you need to take steps to change it. You sound like you have already taken steps and they don’t like this...but for the love of all things holy DO NOT LET THEM INVITE THEMSELVES ON YOUR HONEYMOON!!!!

Her rationale for this is bat shit. She could go anytime using her logic of “before I’m 30”
The honeymoon is a hill to die on...

Skittlesandbeer · 29/01/2019 21:55

You’re actually not being as nice as you think to them. You’ve set up an expectation with them that you’ll pay for things. That kind of thinking sets them up for a huge fall.

Stop enabling them, and they’ll have to face their dire financial position.

Their house of credit cards will tumble soon, and it’d be best if you cut them off now. Prepare to find them on your doorstep asking for a lump sum to ‘see them through’. It’d be best if you’d had the talk with them before they get to this point. If you keep enabling them, they’ll keep doubling down on their debt.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 29/01/2019 22:18

Maybe remind them the time for a dc free holiday was before they had dc!!

RupaulsGagRace · 29/01/2019 22:52

'Hi, just so you know we wish to spend our honeymoon like any other newlywed couple would - alone. We dont want to be joined by anyone, and would rather spend on each other than others. Thanks'

Just text her that. Whats the worst that can happen? She stops talking to you. Lol

BumbleBeee69 · 29/01/2019 23:02

I'm reading this with my jaw on the deck OP, how the fuck have you gotten into this ridiculous cycle of paying for THEIR lifestyle.

Tell them to GTF and NO to the honeymoon, that's not even funny.

SomethingWithLemons · 29/01/2019 23:04

I got lost at this - can someone explain please? My DP and her DH are brothers

SomethingWithLemons · 29/01/2019 23:05

Bold fail:

I got lost at this - can someone explain please? My DP and her DH are brothers

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 29/01/2019 23:08

OP and her friend are both married. The men they are married to are brothers.

Original poster
Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 23:11

@FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle I posted some screenshots to verify some of what I was saying but was uncomfortable leaving screenshots up incase it revealed me or her.

I’m not being dishonest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 23:12

It was easy to fall into it. £20 here and there, birthdays, Christmas, few beers out at a weekend. You don’t realize it is snowballing

OP posts:
tierraJ · 30/01/2019 00:04

To be fair to OP my own sister has been taken for a ride by some CF friends- she has a well paid job and CF friends take total advantage of her kindness- I'm talking £100s.

tierraJ · 30/01/2019 00:05

So I can see how it happens

helacells · 30/01/2019 02:57

Jeffing Christ! How have you got this far in life being so unassertive? You are a doormat and it's time for you to change otherwise your life is going to be hell. Have a come to Jesus moment with them both. Yes it will prob ruin your DHs relationship with his brother, but maybe that needs to happen. Just because he's blood doesn't mean he is worth the bother.

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