To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

I would suggest keeping a lid on any appointments/replacements regarding your wedding for now; whilst you know who you can really trust and rely on, hold off for now.

Just not to give any gifts of drama to the queen llama herself

Have whomever you want as bridesmaid! It’s your wedding

Do you want her to be a BM though?

I wouldn't trust her to behave.

I'd make sure to tell your wedding venue and any other suppliers/vendors that any changes/cancellations need to come from you personally - password protected.
I bet she's vindictive enough to call up pretending to be you and sabotage your plans.

She can expect all she wants because she's a cheeky cow, but she in no way deserves to be a bridesmaid after her behaviour.

I know she will be devastated if someone else wears “her” dress. But it is no longer her dress, when she stropped off declaring at full force she would not be part of your wedding it stopped being her and went to being your bridesmaid dress who ever that ends up being.

Bridesmaid!!??? She shouldn't even still have an actual invite asa guest to your wedding !!!

She brings NOTHING to your life, absolutely nothing. Regardless of how much money you throw at her kids she'll always tell them how mean and unfair you were to them (while she goes and sells their gifts).

Cut your losses now. Honestly this can never end well with her being allowed to remain in your lives in any capacity.

I think you need to add to your list of wedding requirements a doorman.
I doubt she will handle your wedding day in dignified silence.

I think you should advertise 'her' bridesmaid dress for sale on facebook.

Ignore that Facebook meme Fabaunt. The hurtful words and cold shoulder came from her. No one said a word to her beautiful children except her. She has some neck.

When are you due to get married? are we talking months so it has time to blow over or is it more imminent.

I actually wouldn't be surprised if she turns up with the kids.

What would you like to happen now?

Its a difficult as the wedding is still in the future because you've said you want your DH and his brother to be friends. If it were not for the wedding you could let this situation play itself out over time. Unfortunately you are on a deadline with the wedding when things will come to the crunch. Do you have them there or not
She is counting on that. So this will be hanging over the wedding.

She is making no attempt to make amends and is styling you as the Bad Guy and trying to goad you into a facebook fight so she has proof in writing to show people that you in fact the Bad Guy and she includes her "beautiful children" as victims in this issue. Dont let her. Her behaviour is not normal and she needs to get help for this But that is up to her.

So you have the choice ahead of making the olive branch offer for the sake of family peace in the future, but perhaps on your terms and with new ground rules.
Or if you decide not to make the offer, she will never ever forgive and forget and will hold it against you two forever. (she could of course find it unbearable and beg to come to the wedding at the last min, but it doesn't sound like her MO.
I think if its the latter you need to have a good chat with DH and make sure its what you both want. And he has to talk to his brother directly and say what his groundrules are and see if the brother can accept it.
I don't envy you this decision its a very difficult situation. This is the kind of behaviour that was always lurking at the back of her pushing you to do things, if you don't obey I will punish you, type of behaviour and having threatened it she now has to act it out. At least DH can see from her facebook nonsense that she's lost the plot, which is why I think you could continue to go high as she goes low.

She lost the right to be upset at you replacing her as bridesmaid when she shouted at you that she was no longer going to be your bridesmaid and wouldn’t be attending your wedding.

She made that choice not you. She CHOSE to no longer be your bridesmaid. She CHOSE to pull out. That’s on her. All her doing. So if you replace her that’s a choice she forced you to make by pulling out of that role.

She has zero right to be upset about it. She chose it.

She's behaving like a spiteful pre-teen.

Block her on FB.

Lerrimknow - "not judging you for being on benefits" yes! Yes you are! Because if you weren't you wouldn't even have THOUGHT of writing that post!

NO I don't EXPECT I'm in the unfortunate position currently of having NO CHOICE but to accept that money.

I worked full time and paid taxes from I was 16 until I was too unwell to do so in my late 30's and frankly the point at which I finally accepted I couldn't keep working I was almost at the point of needing hospitalised I was so ill.

NOT that I should have to justify anything to you, but since I became a single mum when dd was 2 (due to twat ex having an affair and getting OW pregnant! Oh and she was supposed to be a friend too) I have variously been a full time worker, full time student while also working part time which led to me being able to get a better paid full time job after uni to support dd and I. I was then involved in a bad car accident (I was stationary at traffic lights and some knob on his phone ran into me, shunting me into traffic) which is what caused my physical disability and long term worsened my mh to where I am now. Even then I went back to work full time less than a year after the accident because I have never NOT wanted to work or EXPECTED others to support me. I'm grateful I'm able to access the support I/we need but that doesn't make it any easier. Especially when those of us on benefits are CONSTANTLY vilified and blamed for all the country's ills!

There IS a difference - but then personally attacking a disabled person for no good reason and completely off topic is apparently easy & acceptable!

Does it make you feel good to hurt someone already at the lowest point in their life? What purpose did it serve on this thread?

I'm currently housebound over a year due to a combination of mental & physical health issues, I'm on so many meds I rattle and I'm in constant pain - again physically and mentally. I've been let down repeatedly by those meant to be helping me to get better, partly due to cuts but partly due to poor attitudes, because the mentally ill are STILL treated as CHOOSING to be ill even by those who are SUPPOSED to be experts in the area.

But yea well done you for your oh so clever dig at a person who literally struggles just to get out of bed EVERY DAY.

I wouldn't wish my life on ANYONE not my worst enemy, but I do wish people like you would try and have just the TINIEST attempt at empathy, compassion and understanding.

Op I'm sorry to say I think less of you for not addressing that post too. I understand you're frustrated and hurt at the way your soon to be bil & sil have treated you but I think it says a lot about you that you said nothing at all about this post.

Good luck with resolving the issues you are having and have a lovely wedding but PLEASE don't let your bil & sil colour your views on those of us on benefits.

The vast majority are genuine claimants and wish they didn't need to be and are facing horrific attitudes & treatment daily both in media and even in person due to the way we are being portrayed by the govt & media.

So you have the choice ahead of making the olive branch offer for the sake of family peace in the future, but perhaps on your terms and with new ground rules

And I’ll hop on @duckbilledsplatterpuff ‘s post and say leave this a bit longer, until the initial hear dies off and you will hold all the cards and it will be contingent on her to play nice and behave or be ostracised by possibly the rest of the family.

Play the long game.

No way would I have her at the wedding. She will absolutely wreck the day for you. Your lovely, happy day will be spoiled and your memory of it forever linked to whatever awful thing she does.

Your DP should tell his brother that he is welcome to come but she is not and he will just have to accept whatever decision his brother makes.

One thing that occurred to me, if you are buying your nephews presents, and she is selling them, then they aren't actually getting presents off you - the aunt they apparently adore. That seems incredibly mean of her...

You've had some ace advice here - stay strong! Also the bit about you compensating her for the 'disappointments' when you tell her she can't have her own way is true too - you don't owe her this - or anything! Make yourself a list of the ways she/they have taken the piss and re-read it when you feel like you're wobbling.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, it's a lot to process and I hope you're doing ok.

I think you need to reiterate to the people you do want to be BMs all the dates and info they need vis a vis the wedding. Do ask your nice friend who stood up for you if she'd be BM or you could just have one fewer BM?

What has been your dp's reaction to this blow-up? Does he still want his dbro as Best Man?

I would be very tempted to just invite bil with maybe a 'plus one' but you can't really do that - shame!

You will have to tackle the pair of them to make absolutely sure they don't bring dns anyway (and her parents!....).

The bridesmaids dresses are stunning. She picked them out and while they were expensive, they’re amazing.

Yet another thing though where it's your wedding but she stepped in and made decisions. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else picking my bridesmaids' dresses.

I don't think realistically though you can invite your BIL but say she's not welcome. So you have to accept that means he won't come either. That doesn't mean I think you should invite either of them (in fact, I think BIL is getting a slightly easy ride as he is much of a piss taker, he's just been a bit more subtle about it) but I do think you should be prepared for dealing with that.

Does it make you feel good to hurt someone already at the lowest point in their life? What purpose did it serve on this thread

And here we have it, the dark side of MN where an innocent pp can be reduced to justifying herself, and being upset over such an unnecessary cunty comment.

Step forward and take a bow Lerrimknow. 'no judgement'? I felt it all the way over here on the continent.

All Lerrimknow was saying is that the poster was receiving help even though they stated that they weren't. They didn't say that there was anything wrong with receiving help. This is what the benefit system is for, after all. I don't think they meant they shouldn't have been able to have some help.

Fairenuff i totally disagree it was an unnecessary and nasty comment.

Those of us in the the unfortunate position of needing to claim benefits get this crap all the time.

It is absolutely NOT the same as what the op's bil & sil are doing and it's extremely offensive to align it & me with such behaviour.

I am NOT a scrounger or grabby or entitled. I don't EXPECT it, I'm grateful the system exists but equally wish I were in much better health and not needing to use it.

I'm not ashamed to admit the comment hurt me greatly to the point of tears, partly as I really wasn't expecting it on this thread!

On some threads where benefits and austerity policies are the subject specifically under discussion it sadly no longer surprises me though it's still very hurtful, demeaning & belittling to read such comments. I'll sometimes comment on these threads when I'm having better days but on other days I'll avoid them.

There was no need for the comment, it added nothing to the discussion nor helped the op with her situation.

Always best not to get drawn into any debates... but if you are drawn into one and she tries to make out again that you don't love your DNs because of your wedding choices, I would be so tempted to say how unfair that is and that you're sure your DBIL really does love his son. You know, cos they had a child free wedding too, didn't they?

But Lerrimknow wasn't saying it was the same as the SIL. They just picked up on the fact that you said you didn't have financial help.

I really don't think they meant that you should not be entitled to it though.