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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabaunt · 06/02/2019 21:11

I have no judgement for anyone in need of benefits but I am absolutely sick to death of my thread being derailed which is why I’m not getting involved telling other posters off for their comments. I don’t want this thread to be about benefits, and for you to expect me to jump in and derail my own thread further is totally unfair. Open your own thread about the subject and I’ll happily contribute

OP posts:
Graphista · 06/02/2019 21:14
Biscuit
dustyfan · 06/02/2019 21:28

There was absolutely no need for that comment and being on benefits for disability is not the same as asking people for money. I can't believe the ridiculous comments on this thread.

And have a Biscuit op for your shitty response to someone who is clearly upset. I had been in support of you but I now I just think you're not as nice as you're trying to make yourself out to be.

Original poster
Fabaunt · 06/02/2019 22:07

What does the yellow flower mean

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabaunt · 06/02/2019 22:09

What do you want me to do here? This isn’t about benefits. This has nothing to do with benefits. I ignored the benefits comments because they were derailing the thread and I’m frankly sick of it. An admin had to already come in and post a warning to stop it. I get the poster is upset and I understand that, but this is not the thread for it; and frankly I don’t appreciate my thread being hijacked.

OP posts:
madmumofteens · 06/02/2019 22:21

Sorry OP you are getting a rough time here and in danger of your post being derailed it is a jammy dodger biscuit not a flower my understanding is I won't dignify myself with a response

WallisFrizz · 06/02/2019 22:28

OP this is MN, threads get derailed all the time. Your recent comments about what Graphista posted are horrible. You’ve had hundreds of supportive responses, you can spare a couple of comments not being about you.

cstaff · 06/02/2019 22:36

I agree with you Fabaunt. Changing the subject again. Ffs.

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 06/02/2019 22:38

OP this is MN, threads get derailed all the time. Your recent comments about what Graphista posted are horrible. You’ve had hundreds of supportive responses, you can spare a couple of comments not being about you.

This^^

Original poster
Fabaunt · 06/02/2019 22:43

I contribute heavily to other topics so I am quite happy with the thread not being about me. You are asking me to start a witch hunt over a comment I didn’t even dignify with a response. My comments to the lady who is upset are not horrible. I judge nobody for being on benefits and if it’s a topic she wishes to discuss, she can start a thread and I will follow over and contribute.

What happens “all the time” doesn’t mean it’s right and there’s an admin warning already on the thread not to derail it, so I am not responding to any more benefits drama because I have not expressed any opinion on benefits recipients because this is not the place to do so.

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 06/02/2019 22:51

I certainly didn’t ask you to start a witch hunt. I just thought you were unnecessarily cold to an upset poster (who had been supportive of you). You could have just ignored it but you chose to tell her to pipe down.

7yo7yo · 06/02/2019 22:52

@Fabaunt
Any more news from the freeloading sausage eaters?
Has he phoned DH?
Has she been in touch?
I’d send a message to say I’m sorry you aren’t coming to the wedding but I totally understand.
Let’s hope at some point in the future we can draw a line under your behaviour/this (depending on how diplomatic your feeling).

7yo7yo · 06/02/2019 22:52

I also think your right in not getting your thread derailed, it gets annoying.

Weezol · 06/02/2019 22:58

I have no doubt she will expect to be bridesmaid even after her performance

She resigned the post, very loudly and in front of witnesses - do not let her back track. It's up to you who your bridesmaids are.

BlackCatSleeping · 06/02/2019 22:59

Your recent comments about what Graphista posted are horrible.

I can't see any posts where the OP has commented on what Graphista posted. Confused

The OP just said that she wanted to keep the thread on topic and not get derailed with a debate about benefits, which is fair enough.

Or am I missing something here?

Weezol · 06/02/2019 23:03

Of course, you could always plead with her to return purely to offer this

www.fancydressball.co.uk/funny-costumes/food-and-drink/adult-sausage-costume-ac778.htm

as her outfit.

Fairenuff · 06/02/2019 23:23

Threads tend to go off topic when the OP stops responding to posters about the original topic.

Original poster
Fabaunt · 07/02/2019 00:49

Any more news from the freeloading sausage eaters? nothing at all from him and just the passive aggressive posts so far on Facebook where she has her mother assure her how wonderful and kind she is
Has he phoned DH? not yet, he’s tagging him on things on Facebook though so I don’t think he’s angry with DP
Has she been in touch? Not directly, using the kids of course to try guilt me
I’d send a message to say I’m sorry you aren’t coming to the wedding but I totally understand.
Let’s hope at some point in the future we can draw a line under your behaviour/this (depending on how diplomatic your feeling). i don’t think I want her at the wedding full stop. I can’t see her showing up if she isn’t bridesmaid and if her kids aren’t coming. She’s put too much effort into this wedding to sit back as a normal guest. She had even bagged the free parents room. They’re not getting the free hotel room now. I’m so angry and hurt over the whole thing I don’t see a way back.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 07/02/2019 05:55

I think you need to be careful about uninviting her to your wedding, if that’s what you are thinking. If you uninvite her, it puts her husband in an awkward spot about whether to attend or not. She resigned as bridesmaid, so that’s fine. Leave whether she attends or not up to her.

billybagpuss · 07/02/2019 06:23

I would leave it for the dust to settle a bit then maybe send a message confirming that she is no longer bridesmaid, reiterating that it’s a child free wedding and asking whether she still intends to attend.

Glad Bil is still being normal he must be getting constant rants from her and be utterly sick of it.

Housecoatdiva · 07/02/2019 06:54

After reading the whole of this thread I'm left feeling that the Op, Dp and CF friends are all as mad as each other. Probably why you were such good friends in the first place. Very odd!!

Clutterbugsmum · 07/02/2019 06:59

Fabaunt Ignore those poster who want to derail the thread for their own reasons.

As for 'friend' ignore her. Carry on planning the wedding you and DP want. And if and when they come back do not allow them to do it with out well meant apology and you and DP stating what boundaries you are doing. So they know going forward that you will no longer be their personal ATM to fund what they want but can not afford.

Uggywuggy · 07/02/2019 07:09

I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. The scales have fallen from your eyes and you can see them for what they are and how they have treated you.

Onwards and upwards!

woolduvet · 07/02/2019 09:27

I'm presuming bil is bestman/groomsman. Will he still come?

CoraPirbright · 07/02/2019 09:35

Sorry if I missed this OP but how long to go until the wedding? Just wondering how much time there is for the dust to settle. I doubt any kind of self-realisation will occur with her but perhaps bridges can be mended with him? Not saying he isn’t equally cheeky but I wonder if he might be more willing to understand your point of view and understand that you are sick and tired of bank rolling them.

Also 7yo7yo “free loading sausage eaters” brilliant name Grin