"She doesn’t work because she has fibromyalgia and he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track."
Wtf!!
They mustn't be in a UC area or he'd be getting made to apply for/get a bloody job!
She is disabled fair enough but you cut your coat according to your cloth!!
I'm disabled and on benefits AND I've been a single mum for 16 years. I NEVER expect others to cover my costs, I budget and live according to MY means.
When I'm well enough to be out and about I decline invitations to events/activities I can't afford, manage my money for those where it's possible but within limits - that's what NORMAL people DO!
These are cheeky fuckers experts!
They are NOT friends, friends don't use and abuse you or your kindness.
These are effectively your in-laws so it's for your dp to deal with. He needs to tell his brother that you are NOT their sodding bank!
Frankly he'd not be out of order saying to his brother to get a job and stop freeloading off others generally. Plenty of overweight people work AND lose weight and go to the gym etc. Depending on the job it could help with the weight loss!
As for gate crashing your honeymoon - who the fuck does that?! "Hell no! It's our honeymoon don't be so weird!"
"She received compensation for an accident in sainsburys, which they used to clear off their debt. And then a year later she fell again in the same supermarket and is trying to push ahead with a second claim" wow! They aren't just cfs it sounds like they're genuine con artists. (A branch of my family are too, compo falls is an old trick!)
Keep your distance - before you know it they'll be dragging you into the cons!
"and let him know that when you socialise you can only pay for your own expenses and can't subsidise them." These types KNOW Other people's financial status. Dp needs to say you WON'T be paying for them - and very assertively too!
"They actually sound profoundly stupid" hardly! They're not working, getting op & her dp to pay out for them, getting compo out of a big company TWICE...they're very smart and effective con artists!
"He is a chancer." Euphemism for CON MAN!
"it’s horrid to charge your friends for favour" NO it's NORMAL to PAY someone who is providing s service as part of their JOB!! More fool her! Also because she won't be insured for the massages he's getting and I wouldn't put it past them to try the compo crap on her at some point!
"and that he wouldn’t charge her" yes he bloody would!!
"I think you are projecting your own sad experience on the situation here" totally agree with this whole post. And you can show love for dns without it involving expense certainly not expense that benefits your Stb bil & your NON friend! Babysitting, taking the kids out places WITHOUT their parents, cheap but decent toys and clothes that aren't overly marketable...
"In this house, we would regard cinema and dinner as an expensive night out. I suggest you stick to walks in the park and visits at home, which don't have to cost anything at all" the in laws need this advice not the op & her dp! They HAVE the money to do this that they earned! The bil & NON friend weren't made to go at gunpoint ffs!
"remind them that they haven’t got the money and you wouldn’t want to put them in that position." Excellent strategy
"How are they getting loans if neither of them work? Loan companies usually require an income to pay them back." I strongly suspect not loans, telling op & her dp it's loans but actually getting the money from short cons.
PLUS they're saving their own money by spending everyone else's!
"I myself didn’t even realize how ridiculous all this has been until I wrote it all down." That's because people like this are expert manipulators. They haven't gone straight in with "we'll have 3 days in Nyc with you on your honeymoon at your expense" they've started small and built it up.
"They have this guy they get money from when they’re stuck and he calls around every second Wednesday to collect the repayments" you ever met him? So...either they're using loan sharks (and putting their kids at risk) or more likely using various short cons to supplement income.
I think likely a mix of cons, scrounging off others who are falling for it & possibly fraudulently claiming benefits (I wouldn't be surprised to learn this guy is claiming to be non friends carer is why he isn't working or being pushed to work).
"It was easy to fall into it. £20 here and there, birthdays, Christmas, few beers out at a weekend. You don’t realize it is snowballing" there was a thread a few months back (might even be longer) where an op was subbing someone in a similar way. In her situation it was all via bank transfers (Iirc the person lived some distance away) a pp made the suggestion to got through the transfers using her online banking access and add up what it came to - op was really shocked (and it galvanised her into action!) to discover it was easily into £10,000's!!
All those small amounts add up.
She's "close" to you precisely SO they can know what your finances are and what you're doing that they can make use of!
"he found it hard to get work in his area (sales/commission) that paid as well as where he was," ffs! Has he never heard "beggars can't be choosers!" Sales has a lot of transferable skills, if he was a decent salesman (which given his conning skills I suspect he is) then any sales job with a commission element would have been right up his street BUT also no reason why he couldn't have done pretty much ANY Other job!
"Now neither of them have time to work." They do! Depending on the severity of her fibro (I've friends with fibro they wouldn't even consider doing half the stuff she doesn't think twice about!) and and he's not disabled so they're CHOOSING not to work!
"I still can't understand why they're on benefits though, I thought you had to jump hoops and wait ages to get it.
What is he saying to the DWP?" Benefit fraud is minimal in this country, but it does happen. People like this aren't only skilled in conning one person, they're skilled at conning full stop!
"I’m not scared of her but don’t want to break up my DPs family, or isolate him from his nephews" it wouldn't be you doing that if they react shifty it'd be THEM
HER parents - people neither you nor your fiancé have a connection to DO NOT belong at YOUR wedding! That's utterly ridiculous! Her argument was she could manage the kids AND being bridesmaid - so take her at her word!
You HAVE to leant the power of the word NO and learn some assertiveness ASAP (there's TONS on YouTube)
They need you a damn sight more than you need them precisely!
Is UC in their area yet? I doubt it. Once it is he'll be less likely to get away with only applying for jobs within his chosen career!
"He reckons with her being out sick they’d be worse off financially if he worked full time." How?! It wouldn't mean they're having to pay out for childcare as SHE is still at home! They're full of shit!
"If things are left to fester, there is more chance of you saying things that can't be taken back." Also true - quite possibly at the wedding! Best to deal with this calmly & assertively now!
"I think what is so hard with her is, she’s not outwardly brazen so you don’t really see it coming." That's their skill in conning you (and others). NO Con artist goes "I know X is a luxury and I can't afford it and could do without it but seeing as you're flush you can pay for it for me!" No, they make it seem like it's your idea!
"said she found DP aggressive the night before when she asked him for his share of the taxi. I said I didn’t want to get involved" you were REALLY out of order here you should have backed your dp up! Completely!
"No they don’t expect us to pay (I hope!) they’re hoping to have the money sorted by then" planning another fall is she? She'd better do it in harrods this time!
Or else they'll only pay the deposit and expect you to stump up so they don't "lose" that money!
Well done for the weekend. Although I think it should have been you AND dp talking to BOTH of them. AND you shouldn't be offering "consolation prizes" either! Stop pandering to them!
She's reacting angrily because she's pissed off her gravy trains gone!
Ducks post is excellent
"Because SIL is the person causing all the stoochie. She’s the one OP has an issue with." But she's not, bil to be is also taking piss and the piss is being taken out of op AND her fiancé so the brothers SHOULD have been involved. I too think it likely bil will put pressure on OP's fiance to get op to back down.
"Am I being unreasonable to block her?" Why hasn't you already? I'd have done it Sunday.
"My other friend (who hates her)" I hope you thanked her for her support - sounds like she's got sil number!
You have not humiliated yourself, you had an epiphany.
Now you KNOW what she really is and friend ain't anywhere near THAT list!
DO NOT back down you have done NOTHING wrong.
She sounds a complete and utter bitch! Not just to you but her dh and her stepchild (wtf!) and I'm frankly amazed she has ANY friends.
She's no loss certainly.