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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
cstaff · 05/02/2019 12:15

I wouldn't block her to be honest OP. That just brings you down to her level. Let her at it and just ignore her nasty comments. She is just looking and hoping for a reaction. It also means that you can keep an eye on what she is saying / doing or who she has moved on to using.

billybagpuss · 05/02/2019 12:17

Make sure you like your friends comment so it’s obvious you’re ignoring her childish dig

BlackCatSleeping · 05/02/2019 12:38

No, don't comment or like. Just do nothing. It will drive her utterly crazy. She's probably checked Facebook a hundred times looking for a reaction. Just keep ignoring her.

Motoko · 05/02/2019 13:13

Ooh, that's going to really piss her off! Grin

badirene · 05/02/2019 13:16

Oh Fabaunt hod on tight to the friend that posted how cute your kids will be, she is a good egg and has the measure of SIL.

Bumblebee39 · 05/02/2019 13:20

To be fair I have been on benefits and had a gym membership so it's not impossible. Essentially I was told that I had to follow a specific exercise regime to get better and a gym membership was necessary to do so.

It did mean, though, that I could not afford other things. No new model IPhone, no designer shoes, certainly no trips to NYC, no meals out. I wouldn't have been able to afford those things even if I had given up my gym membership.

All my money went on improving my health and retraining. I saw that money as a "loan" from the tax payer to get better ASAP. I don't understand people who think it's a lifestyle choice to not work. If you can't work because of x, y or z you try to find an answer to those issues. You do what's necessary to improve your health, you retrain if you need to, you find work to do from home etc. Etc. I don't understand people who feel entitled to that money. It's not an entitlement it's a privilege to have financial support to get better. I am very grateful to live in a country that does not simply let people starve. But I can see why people end up resenting benefit claimants when there are some who so clearly take the piss.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/02/2019 13:47

You’ve done absolutely the right thing op. With the conversation about the wedding and the fb post.

explodingkitten · 05/02/2019 13:54

Everything is a competition. DP got a new tv, her DH got one (meanwhile she’s borrowing money from us to pay off her credit card) I got an iPhone X, she took out a loan to buy one.

Please buy a house Grin

Monestasi · 05/02/2019 13:56

Wish I was your friend on FB.

I've read this thread and felt progressively angrier.

OP she is not and NEVER was your friend. She is a free loading, manipulative, lying toad of a woman.

Please consign her to history, and leave your DP and his brother to see each other independently of you.

A PP said that she has conditioned you to put her needs and wants first, which is spot on. Take a huge step back from it all and never ever pay for another thing for this awful person.

starray · 05/02/2019 14:19

ShartGoblin provides a different perspective and one that is worth thinking about. You know that they don't have much money, so have you considered doing things together that don't cost ANY money? Buying a round might seem like not very much for you, but for someone who is living hand to mouth, it can be the week's food shopping.
This might not apply to them particularly, they do seem to be taking advantage, (Especially suggesting latching onto your honeymoon! )but it something worth considering in friendships where finances are very unequal.

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/02/2019 14:26

You know that they don't have much money, so have you considered doing things together that don't cost ANY money? Buying a round might seem like not very much for you, but for someone who is living hand to mouth, it can be the week's food shopping.

Starray. Whaaaat? Have you actually read the entire thread?

Original poster
Fabaunt · 05/02/2019 14:40

If I was at the same headspace now as I was at the start of the thread I would suggest things to do that are free, but I know deep down there would be no interest. And I know, despite what DP thinks, BIL is just as much of a user, using her friend for free massages.

I can see now she feels entitled to live the same lifestyle as we do, but we’re expevted to pay for it because we’re childless and both working.

I saw her true colors this weekend and I don’t want her in my life, I don’t want her in my children’s (please god) life. I would never ever do that to a friend because I genuinely love my friends. She is not my friend and it took humiliating myself on this thread to see it.

OP posts:
cstaff · 05/02/2019 14:44

You didn't humiliate yourself at all OP. You may have come across as being a bit soft but that is not necessarily a bad thing. It only turns into a bad thing when some CF takes complete advantage of your good nature. You have no reason to feel bad - your so called friend on the other hand - CF of the highest degree. Just don't entertain them again.

imjustanerd · 05/02/2019 14:46

Op I'm absolutely horrified on your behalf, their behaviour is just out of this world entitled, literally taking the piss out you you and your DH.

You are not responsible for them! You are not responsible for their dc! They are bloody grown ups ffs, get your Dh to tell them straight.

You are being too nice and the thanks you are getting for it is being walked all over even more. Your so called friend has seen you coming and is taking you for a right mug.

woolduvet · 05/02/2019 14:48

I think this thread has been a massive eye opener for you, it must be hard accepting all this and how she actually has been treating you. Be kind to yourself.

OrigamiZoo · 05/02/2019 14:55

This leech is using her children and your love for them as a weapon against you. Shame on her.

You shouldn't;t have to justify yourself to her - just say we have decided etc etc and don't be drawn in.

billybagpuss · 05/02/2019 15:09

You're sounding low @Fabaunt you've been friends a long while and I think this has hit you hard, there will inevitably be some grieving time.

You certainly haven't humiliated yourself, you needed to go through this thread to get your head in the right place and I hope it's helped you.

I know you haven't heard the last of this and hopefully they will be more respectful in the future, although don't hold your breath on that one.

Maybe deleting the comment and blocking her would be the best course of action for you at the moment.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2019 15:27

You did not humiliate yourself at all.
You are a nice kind person who tries to look at the positives all the time.
A people pleaser.
All this thread highlighted is that your 'friend' is a user.
Sometimes it takes writing it down and getting feedback to realise what is what.
I really hope she doesn't come to your wedding. I have a feeling she will though - and ruin it.
Good luck

candlestickmakers · 05/02/2019 15:28

This reply has been deleted

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TheMoonOwl · 05/02/2019 15:42

Definitely take a screenshot of her dickish comment.

Crapsicles · 05/02/2019 15:42

Hmm @candlestickmakers I was reading that thread but can’t find it now... do you have a link

candlestickmakers · 05/02/2019 15:52

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Ginny008 · 05/02/2019 16:45

Fabaunt You have NOT humiliated yourself. It takes courage sometimes to ask for help. You were open and honest and took the advice given on this thread by other Mumsnetters. Hopefully your DP will also see this brother with a clearer view before too long. Good wishes for your wedding day and a fabulous honeymoon (without any freeloaders!).

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 05/02/2019 17:11

See I was totally on ops side but now I see what candlestickmakers means. And I’m a little confused as to why that’s been deleted.

woolduvet · 05/02/2019 17:21

I missed what candlestick said