To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

You should immensely proud of yourself, fabaunt. The minute you cut off the money, you’ll see that quite frankly she isn’t really a friend, she only wants your money. Once you cut that off, you’ll see her for what she is, an entitled nasty vicious money grabber. I don’t think buying a cinema ticket is worth the relationship.

There’s no reason your DP can’t continue his relationship with his brother. It sounds like your bil has more sense than his wife after him persuading her to stay, tbh. Any relationship based on money means you’re buying it, it’s not real.

Pleeeeeeeeeease dont back down, you have done really well!

Well done, OP!

Her reaction speaks volumes!!

I'm shaking my head at the sausages and washing up. "What a fucking liberty!!"

Well done OP. No doubt she’ll go away and lick her wounds and try her luck again to see if you have the resolve to hold your ground. I truly hope you do and this is the start of a much better relationship for you all.

I can’t help but wonder whether your BIL has some serious thinking to do based on what has been said this weekend. He may have had his eyes opened and not want his relationship with his brother affected as well as that of his DS

So after screaming at you, resigning from beng bridesmaid, refusing to go to hen, dropping the wedding and everything, she STILL wanted to stay at your place overnight? I would say she only cares about herself and what's easiest for her. She is a narcicist and abusive. No wonder your BIL is like he is and as for his poor son ....

You've actually dodged a big big bullet there now. I hope your BIL does open his eyes.

OP, the thing that is knocking around in my mind is who looks after you?

Losing your baby is the biggest thing that has happened. They should be rallying round you and supportive. Certainly not foregrounding their children at every opportunity and telling you you shouldn’t have grey walls and how difficult / expensive it is havjng children.

I am sorry you lost your baby. It must make things se both very fragile and important in life, your DH’s relationship with his brother etc.

Just look after yourself and your DH. It isn’t your job to look after Drama Diva .

They can go to NYC whenever they want to just not with you on your honeymoon.

Why not socialise with them in the future on free activities?
Walks, trips to the park, board games nights etc

They are truely ghastly. I bet the hen plans were either extremely stingey or she was planning to present you with an inflated bill. You have made a good start but...
I notice that after telling her she couldn't come on your honeymoon, you were still promising her a spa day (presumably paid for by you) as compensation.
Why? You hadnt invited her.. but you were still feeling obliged to offer her something for the disappointment. She has completely re programmed your normal responses to be all about addressing her needs and never disappointing her. How has she managed that when she continually disappoints you and sets all your needs aside. Her comments about your pregancy are astounding. As was the bullying you got from BIL about your audacity to have a new car. Even when you tried to change the subject.
You also hastily offered them a 1) party for the children with 2) a bouncy castle for saying that you were sticking to your original request that there should be no children at the wedding because it now involved inviting people to take care of them and you know from past performance that they cannot behave or are not adequately supervised at these kinds of occasions.
Again.. why?
You are standing up to them with one hand but the effect is so completely reduced by the panic offer of compensation. I am imaginging that they are actually quite a scarey couple and everyone walks on eggshells around them.
Her abusive and shouty reaction to you trying to discuss this with her and the massive offence taken and temper tantrums must have been quite unsetting, but good. If she has taken offence.. Good. This is one of the ways you are going to get them to back off.. because they have taken offence.
You don't have to go to family events with them. Go separately and on your own steam from now on, so you don't have to pay. It sounds like you and your DH to be are on the same page about this.
I think you need to stop worrying about your DH and BIL relationship from now on... because this is being used as a tool to get you to support them and do what they want. This is not how a brotherly relationship is supposed to work. Brothers support each other and have an occasional drink with each other, but it doesn't mean that one brother has to pay for the other all the time or all affection is withdrawn. That is the definition of a toxic relationship. And a cooling off period where they readjust how they treat each other would actually be a good thing and better for their relationship in the long term. Also you are not responsible for keeping friend and BIL happy and thereby DH happy. You shouldn't have to keep proferring cash and services to do this. Make yourselves and DH happy and have a big big cooling off period from these two.
I had to laugh tho about them squeezing the last bit of freeloading off you by eating all the sausages.. Who cooks themselves sausages before leaving in a fit of pique?

Well done! You need to keep up this level of self-assured assertiveness. You've put up with a ridiculous amount of nonsense for so long.

Your relationship sounds great and the way you talk about your husband to be is really lovely. I think you'll have a very long, happy marriage

DuckBilledSplatterPuff Great post!
I wholeheartedly agree with your comments on the offers of compensation for simply having the Wedding and Honeymoon the OP wants. You make great points, I hope Fabaunt takes your advice

Probably too soon but have you heard from them since sausagegate?

What @DuckbilledSplatterPuff said.

Nothing since sausage gate 😂
@Duck, fair points to be honest. I don’t know why I feel I must compensate. I didn’t bring up the honeymoon, I only got as far as not wanting her kids at the wedding. I suggested the party afterwards because I felt guilty excluding them from a family event that I felt wasn’t suitable for them and wanted to include them in a more child friendly way. But you make a valid point I would have done the same with her re: honeymoon. I genuinely don’t know why I’d do it. Just to be clear for the spa, I would expect her to pay for herself. I would pay for the bounce house and party.

I suspect your DP will get a phone call fro his brother while at work to demand discuss this and putting you back in your place. And trying to get your DP to agree with her demands.

So you confronted future SIL without either of the brothers present.. why? Why didn’t you talk the four of you. And then because you’d argued you guys missed the party.
I’m not surprised your DP places all the blame with his SIL rather than his DB. This is going to be trouble for many moons to come I think. I genuinely don’t understand how you could be friends with such a horrible woman. Good luck OP, I think you’re going to need it tbh.

And because OP and SIL were alone when the subject came up. OP could hardly just agree that her dns were indeed going to be there awellas SIL's parents, when she knew that she was going to refuse to allow it, could she?

Fabunt. Stop feeling guilty. . This is how she gets you everytime. Friends don't do this to each other. Its not normal. Its not usual to take someone shopping and then say.. if you wanted to buy my child this expensive coat it would be a good present for them. That is not a present for the child. Its a present for her because she gets to dress up her son at no cost to herself.
Also Please stop asking her what she or her family would like for presents. You know them well enough to guess and if not that is what gift vouchers and gift receipts are for. YOu need to revisit the whole notion of what constitutes a normal present and how often they are normally given.
A present for your nephews would be a toy/some sweets/ a trip to the park or the cinema or summer holiday outing.
Not expensive clothing (unless they are teenagers then all the rules change and often they just want money because they like shopping for themselves. £20 - £30 is about standard for a nephew/niece birthday/Christmas amongst most people that I know I think. More for a 16th, 18th or 21st - or perhaps there is something that they are particularly saving for like Euros for a school trip.
You are not obliged to demonstrate your love for your nephews by buying them frequent expensive presents and clothing. This is just another way that your friend has you subsidsing her.
The disparity of income does not/should not matter in a friendship. You have already been very generous. but that is not their right. You have more income than them because you both work. They have to accept that as a fact of life and if they cant that is their problem.
This friend emotionally blackmails you with constant guilt about the disparity in your income, but she has no right to do that. She also threatens that if you don't do exactly as she wants, she will have a tantrum, get angry at you, accuse you of being selfish or a bad person, or then there is the implied threat that she will withold contact with nephews or DH to his brother. Or that she will go angry NC with you. None of this behaviour is normal. None of it.
Let her go NC. It will be a massive relief to you.
Your DH sounds like he agrees and has been worried about ruining your friendship with her. But it is she who has ruined it. I hope now that the can of worms are open that it gives you the opportunity to move forward, reclaim your lives and please stop feeling guilty about doing what is actually your right to do. Good luckx

In the grand scheme of things I would rather pay for someone’s cinema ticket than isolate that man from someone he loves. Because he would do the same for me

Yeah, but it wasn't just a cinema ticket, was it? That's why it came to this.

Your partner is going to have to deal with his relationship with his brother, himself. It's not you making him choose between you, it's his brother and SIL, so there's no responsibility for that on you.

I agree with PP about compensating them. The children won't miss the wedding, they're too young to understand what it's about, and will not enjoy being stuck in a church for all that time. So, it's actually in their best interests that they don't go.

Keep away from her, have nothing more to do with her. DP and his brother, than continue their relationship without you or her being involved.

Do not trust her if she comes crawling back, begging forgiveness. It will only be a ruse, to try to keep your money coming. She's a nasty, manipulative bitch, and is only out for herself. She gives zero fucks about you.

Ps. She will say that she can't afford the spa which is your guesture of compensation/reconciliation so you will be pressured to pay for it. As you suggested it in the first place. Why would you want to be shut up in a spa with this woman for hours on end so that she can talk you round to her way of thinking again. Please don't do it. Go with your other friends.
Second..You don't have to offer to throw nephews a party and pay for an actual bouncy castle!!! ( that's about £100-150 hire, plus party food etc) That is a completely over the top expense to try to make the nephews ( who probably couldn't care less about missing a church service and an adult reception) You don't have to compensate them and SIL/BIL will never see it as adequate compensation - more chances for her to bitch at you and your other guests about your wedding and make you feel extra bad that the kids were'nt there. Please don't do it. It weakens any stand you are making here.
If you must do something for nephews buy them both a nice toy/gift of no more than £20 each the next time you see them after the wedding. Or an I love NY tee shirt. Nothing more than that. You are paying for a wedding and planning for your own children's future when your own income might be interrupted. Start a savings account for that.

First contact made.

I changed my Facebook profile photo last night to one of myself and DP at a recent wedding. We look extremely cute 🥰😍 but, of course I have the likes and comments on it, aunties telling me how good I look, friends telling him he doesn’t scrub up too bad, you know the usual.

In the last ten mins she has put a photo of her two boys in the comments under my photo and said “here are your two beautiful nephews that love you both to pieces, it’s a shame you don’t feel the same about them”. Am I being unreasonable to block her?

She has on occasion made smart comments about my hair/my outfit on profile pics before and has posted pics of her kids so people comment how cute they are in the comments but she has never been so direct in trying to shame me.

I'd block her OP, you don't need vindictive people like her in your life xx

Block her. There's no reason to allow that kind of abuse.

You have to keep minimizing the opportunities she has to manipulate you, and this is one of them.

Kudos to you OP, I'm really impressed by how you've broken the pattern and stood up to her.

Well done.

Definitely block her. There's nothing worse than trying to justify yourself on social media (& you shouldn't need to at all). I'd delete her comment and block

block her now, so she knows you mean business. You have done well, don't let her get to you.