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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 03/02/2019 13:40

Hopefully when won't back down and that's the last you bloody well have to see her! She's a nasty piece of work and you'd be well rid of her.

billybagpuss · 03/02/2019 13:44

Wow, well done.

So are they still coming on honeymoon with you? Grin

Original poster
Fabaunt · 03/02/2019 13:44

@DarlingNikita, yes for themselves haha. We got up and the washing up was left.

Thanks everyone. No doubt there will be more drama when she consults with her mother but I will let you know.

OP posts:
EL2019 · 03/02/2019 13:45

“I hate you so much right now...

...but I’ll still eat your sausages”

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

Well done OP.

Ragglesnaggle · 03/02/2019 13:48

What a twat she is! Well at least if you doubt yourself at any point you can look back at your post about yesterday and remind yourself. You're well shot of her.

EL2019 · 03/02/2019 13:50

I think you’ve both been putting up with crap for frear if upsetting the other. He didn’t want you to lose your friend, you didn’t want him to lose his brother.

As part of catholic wedding prep do you do sessions with priest where you talk about your marriage? Might be worth exploring if there are other things you’re both quietly tolerating for fear of upsetting the other.

Whocansay · 03/02/2019 13:51

She's really backed herself into a corner now hasn't she? She was pulling out all the big guns, expecting you to back down and beg her to be your bridesmaid! She was clearly not expecting that!

Good for you, OP. She'll be re-grouping to see how she can come back at you without loosing face. She won't want the gravy train to stop. Be prepared.

DarlingNikita · 03/02/2019 13:56

the washing up was left.

They're so rude, OP.

Original poster
Fabaunt · 03/02/2019 13:57

@EL2019
Yes we do have to participate in pre marriage counseling.

I know why I don’t want to upset him, because he’s the most important person in my life and it makes me sad that he doesn’t have a mum or dad in his life, that he just has a brother. He has lost too many people, his child included and I don’t want to be responsible for taking the remaining family from him.

I have no doubt in my mind if it came to it, he’d choose me over anyone else I’m just so conscious of putting him in that position. I love him so much.

I’m so lucky, to be honest. He treats me like a queen. If I wanted to give up work tomorrow I know he’d make sure I still had the same quality of life, he is happiest when I am happy. He is so loyal and so kind and I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him. When I see how BIL and friends relationship is in comparison I just feel so grateful.

In the grand scheme of things I would rather pay for someone’s cinema ticket than isolate that man from someone he loves. Because he would do the same for me

OP posts:
BlueSuffragette · 03/02/2019 14:13

Well done OP. Brotherly love is good but don't get taken for a mug. Good luck.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 03/02/2019 14:32

Well done, OP, for standing up for yourself and for your DP. Hopefully DP's brother will also see the light and start putting his foot down and decide what he wants out of life.

sleeplessinsomewhereelse · 03/02/2019 15:11

Wow. There's no way this is over though. There's more of that temper and entitlement brewing away!

mummmy2017 · 03/02/2019 15:19

Just keep saying to her, I have not banned you from my wedding you choose to do this.
This is my wedding why should I not have what I want as the bride, you are the only person objecting.

MissConductUS · 03/02/2019 15:46

She's panicking. She senses the shift and knows that the money/goodies tap is closing and it's scared her. She can no longer plan on operating with OPM (other people's money).

mmgirish · 03/02/2019 15:53

Well done OP that couldn't have been easy.

SearchingForSeaGlass · 03/02/2019 15:56

You might start to feel guilty, but she is a frenemy, so don't back down. The brothers can sort out their relationship themselves and everything that was said is best out in the open. Don't let her come to your wedding if she changes her mind, she'll either do something to ruin it or you'll be worried that she might.

As an aside, I think for the eldest nephew, it was potentially a difficult situation that he wasn't included and maybe another occasion when his dad acts like the child isn't a priority. Hopefully BIL and your DP can have a relationship with this boy apart from SIL.

Original poster
Fabaunt · 03/02/2019 16:09

Nephew 1 has a lot of issues god love him. He is 10 years old and I would be scared to be on my own with him. He is vicious and volatile but it makes me sad because you can really see him try to be a good boy. His mother is nuts, and has used him for the last 8 years to manipulate and hurt BIL. BIL didn’t stand up for his son and seems to have his mind poisoned/his head wrecked so he doesn’t really like any of us, or he says he doesn’t. But he’ll catch himself having fun and then change and be horrible again. He’s been kicked out of two schools and is currently allowed in school for a few hours a day pending good behaviour. He’s been assessed and is not diagnosed and it’s been recommended that the family do therapy so he feels included. But friend won’t partake in counseling as she feels he’s not her problem she doesn’t want to be near him and won’t let her kids see him.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 03/02/2019 16:20

Well done OP and well done to your DP too. I must admit that you have seemed to be such a doormat that I was really thinking you must be a troll. Sorry! Really proud that you dealt with it so well and so maturely, and same for your DP. You both sound fantastic.

Sadly the compliments stop here as your friend and your BIL continue to behave like spoilt brats. I can't behave they have the audacity to still stay over at yours, let alone cook themselves breakfast and slide off without doing the dishes. It says everything about them. They are just selfish users who only care about themselves. Perhaps your BIL has a chance of recovering his humanity if he gets away from his nasty wife one day. It must be hard for your DP to see so good on him for standing his corner with you.

Highonthehill · 03/02/2019 16:24

When she said she was going to sell the bridal pack I would have been tempted to remark "like everything else!"

Well done op. If your bil has any sense he will stand up to her because he will want to be at his brothers wedding. Hopefully he won't let her dominate him and tell him whose wedding he can be groomsman at!

browneyes77 · 03/02/2019 16:58

Well done OP.

I think that was a long time coming.
She’s trying to emotionally blackmail you with the whole “I’m not coming to your hen” and “I organised all this special stuff for you” crap. And when it didn’t work, she started throwing insults because she wasn’t getting her way.

And well done to your DP for backing you up and giving her a bit back when she kicked off at him.

I mean, who the fuck does she think she is? Giving out orders on what you should do for YOUR wedding and behaving like she’s entitled to everything she wants. She’s a cheeky fucking bitch.

Stand your ground on this. Don’t let her emotionally manipulate you.

Renster · 03/02/2019 17:27

It’s YOUR wedding, you have what YOU want. Nobody else. If it suits you to accommodate another’s wishes, fine, but it’s clear that these selfish bastards do not care about what you want at all.
Well done for standing up to her. Sounds like she is unfamiliar with the meaning of the word ‘no’!
Please please please don’t bend to them.
You only get married once. (For the first time, anyway - I’m on my third 😘)

Yulebealrite · 03/02/2019 17:28

She was backing herself more and more into the corner and ended up with no where else to go other than storming out. Hopefully when she's calmed down and sees that you won't budge then the brothers can forge some kind of relationship going forward.

There is a difference between being a good friend/relative and being a doormat.

RuggerHug · 03/02/2019 18:03

If you have other bridesmaids I'd ask them what exactly she had organised and also how much she had scammed out of them so far. Since she doesn't want to do it anymore, she'll have to return it,right?

FrancisCrawford · 03/02/2019 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CallMeRachel · 03/02/2019 18:29

What a bitch. There's nothing in your update that says she sees you as a genuine friend one bit.

What's her problem?!

Her parents are not invited so will be minding her kids. What she has said and done is unforgivable in my book and I'd be breaking things off with her completely. Leave it to the brothers to have a relationship between themselves and you two stay out of it.

She completely and utterly toxic and is a horrible person. How dare she damage BIL relationship with his son. Karma will hopefully bite her where it hurts very soon.