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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabaunt · 31/01/2019 22:20

They went to Egypt for two weeks for their honey moon, another couple of their friends met them on the second week. I think they had recommended the place to my friend as they’d been before and were going back so to be fair they did have company for a week of their honeymoon.

DP just told me when they were getting married there was trouble between them and BIL ex as they didn’t invite BIL 5 year old child as he had severe behavioural issues and didn’t get on with my friend, so she didn’t want him there. She ended up having to compromise and the child was there for ceremony and photos but not reception. I wasn’t overly close to her when she was getting married so wasn’t privvy to the drama. From my recollection her wedding was lovely. Very intimate, less than 100 guests I would say. I really enjoyed her wedding. To my knowledge there were no children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabaunt · 31/01/2019 22:22

My role was really just DPs plus 1. We weren’t close enough to be bridesmaid. He had a full time job at the time. They took out a loan, and I don’t know if the first compensation came before the wedding or after the wedding but it was in and around that time

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 31/01/2019 23:30

I live my sister, but I used to buy her loads of stuff, charged it to my clothing account , when she had a child, like you I bought her loads, always took food over.
One day I had my own child, and realised she never got me anything.
I moved house with a baby , on my own, the next day was a bank holiday, I sat on n the mess at nine at night, tired and crying .
She called new number, so knew I had moved to ask me too have her child, and telling me about how restful her weekend had been...
From that day I buy nothing, I pick things up look at them, and think when was the last time she bought me even a pack of sweets?

Pashal2 · 01/02/2019 00:57

Wow!! They're something else. Why didn't you confront her when you saw your gifts were being sold online. Telling her you are hurt because you bought them for the children to enjoy

justilou1 · 01/02/2019 01:44

These people are the absolute epitome of dole bludgers - nobody is legitimately on the dole because they are too busy to go to work because they are at the gym, meal prepping and losing weight. That is called a hobby in the real world. Borrowing against a future law suit is fucking insane. Especially from a dodgy loan shark and family and friends. Lending money to them to pay them back is even more insane.

Let these people deal with the consequences of their behaviour. If they get robbed into social services (or whatever department pays the dole in the UK - I am overseas) - and they get charged with fraud. (Or for faking fibromyalgia - I suspect she's remarkably fit when shopping for designer gear she can't afford, or travelling overseas on other people's money.) These people are entitlement personified!!! I just can't get over them!!!

They jealously look at your lifestyle and covet everything, but are not remotely prepared to work for a single thing. Nor are they kind! They are like bloody vampires! They are sucking you and DF dry! They don't like or respect either of you!

Twisique · 01/02/2019 09:12

Remember, you don't owe her an explanation.

JollyHolly30 · 01/02/2019 09:32

You MUST put your foot down on the Honeymoon thing.

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2019 10:03

Where is your DP in all this now?

Weetabixandshreddies · 01/02/2019 10:10

You seem to be so overly invested in their lives and particularly with their children.

When the chickens come home to roost over the money that they have borrowed to fund this lifestyle, and particularly if you let it get as far as them booking to join you on honeymoon, are you just going to be able to stand by and watch the debt collectors turn up and repossess everything?

I very much doubt it. You know that you and your partner will step in to clear the debts don't you?

What if by then you have a child and in order to help them out your child will have to do without?

You need to be cruel to be kind here. You need to remove their safety blanket (you) before they wrack up such massive debts that will destroy you all.

Although thinking about it they'll probably declare bankruptcy, walk away from the debts and start all over again.

Panicwiththebisto · 01/02/2019 10:18

BIL has an older child too? Has he asked for this child to be invited - thought not.

Lizzie48 · 01/02/2019 10:21

he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track

I'm another one who can't believe that anyone would seriously believe that this is a justifiable reason not to work. Confused

They both sound really awful, how could you have put up with it for so long???

TimeIhadaNameChange · 01/02/2019 10:21

If you do end up having to go out with them again (and I know it's not as easy to just ditch family members) take cash, just enough to cover what you need and no more. Slip it into your phone case (and deactivate ApplePay or the like beforehand) and leave your wallet at home. That was you'll be unable to cover their costs, however much they expect you to.

Good luck this weekend, will be thinking of you!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 01/02/2019 10:23

Will you be having your other DNephew as page boy?

Consolidatedyourloins · 01/02/2019 11:40

OP, well done for ignoring all the bloody troll hunting. Some people are desperate to show off their trolldar skills Hmm

Good luck for this weekend! You have the weight of MN behind you, please update as afterwards.

Tisahardlife · 01/02/2019 12:12

You need your DP on board and to both have the same view of things moving forward here.

Regarding not wanting the children at the wedding, after what happened to your walls you wouldn't be unreasonable to say that you were concerned about potential damage to your dress, the cake etc

SandAndSea · 03/02/2019 09:28

Good luck for your chat today, @Fabaunt . Let us know how it goes (if you want to).

Romanov · 03/02/2019 09:45

Wow op, she sounds like a complete nightmare

Keep hold of this thread, so you can remind yourself how U she is

EL2019 · 03/02/2019 10:37

Hope the new insight helps with your next meeting with the CFs. It’s smazing when the scales fall from your eyes and you see clearly.

I’m surprised no-one picked up on the bollocks excuse that “it’s the last chance to have a child free holiday as we won’t be able to do it when children are older”. That is such bullshit!
It’s easier to leave older children than younger ones. They lie as easily as breathing.

Romanov · 03/02/2019 11:43

I’m surprised no-one picked up on the bollocks excuse that “it’s the last chance to have a child free holiday as we won’t be able to do it when children are older”.

this makes no sense at all, why do they have to come with you to havea child free holiday? surely the last chance to have a child free holiday is before you have children? (or when they leave home)

Original poster
Fabaunt · 03/02/2019 13:18

Hey everyone. So, had a huge chat with my DP about how I was feeling and basically everything we discussed here. He’s pretty much on the same page regarding paying for everything he’s sick of it but didn’t want to rock the boat between me and my friend, and damage our friendship. Obviously he loves his brother, but he thinks that it’s her that’s controlling him and not letting him work. Before they got together apparently he always had a job, and always had money but did wind up running up a serious amount of debt even before her. DP told me how much she dislikes the first child and how passive he is, will happily have NC to keep her happy. I would never have delved too deep into that as I know his relationship with DC1 is fraught. DP seems to think this is all coming from her, whereas I would have genuinely believed they were as bad as each other and that he is a complete and utter chancer.

They came to our house yesterday as we had a family event last night. I was all fired up after my talk with DP and when talk of my wedding came around I brought it up that we have decided that we weren’t having any children at the wedding. Suffice to say, she hit the roof. How dare I, I could fuck off because if I made her choose between me and her children it was going to be her children. I was calm, I explained that her Ds 1 would struggle with the ceremony. That ds 2 couldn’t be expected to stay quiet, and that both her and their dad would be in the wedding party and I didn’t want that disruption. She said there wouldn’t be a disruption because her mum would be there to keep a handle on things. I reminded her about my walls and the christening and how they’re not kids that are kept a handle on. I also said to be honest, remember you said they would be no trouble and that you’d look after them? Clearly you know they’ll be trouble that you want your parents invited. You totally changed the conditions. I said I didn’t feel it was fair that two of our numbers were her baby sitters when it could be another couple of friends. She was crying and she said she had been looking forward to the wedding and that she was so excited for us to be sister in laws and that it’s a family event and who is more important than my nephews? Would I rather friends I didn’t care about to have higher on the list or my nephews who adore me?

I just said it was non negotiable, we would do something with the boys after the wedding to celebrate it, that we would get a bounce house and have a little party at home. She didn’t want that and said she wouldn’t be coming to the hen, and I said that’s fine, I understand. Then she told me she wouldn’t be my bridesmaid. I told her I was sad that’s how she felt but I understood. She was screaming at me that she had put so much thought and effort into my hen (I don’t know what she had planned it’s a surprise) and told me she had put together a bride pack for me and that she would be selling it now. I stayed calm and said I understand. DP and BIL were watching the rugby in another room and she went in to tell BIL they had to leave. DP was nice to her and told her they were still welcome to stay. She ripped into him then, saying he wasn’t a man at all that I wore the trousers and he couldn’t even defend his own nephews and told him to find himself a new groomsman. DP shouted at her and told her she was ruining BILs life, that he might take being controlled by her but she wouldn’t come in to our home and control us any longer. He told her he is bursting his balls working 60 hour weeks for our lifestyle and to pay for our wedding and we will have whatever kind of wedding we want. She was shouting that he planned none of the wedding that me and her planned most of it without his input and that his balls were in my handbag because he couldn’t stand up to me.

BIL brought her upstairs and they were upstairs for ages. He talked her into staying, so we could sort it out but both of us were too upset. They went out last night to the family event. We stayed in. I told DP to go so she couldn’t give out about me when we weren’t there but he said no, we’d stay in and have a takeout. Which we did.

They stayed last night, got up this morning and cooked the sausages in the fridge and left without saying goodbye

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 03/02/2019 13:22

Bonus OP.. well done Flowers

Morgan12 · 03/02/2019 13:32

Well done OP. When she calms down she will hopefully realise how childish and spoiled she is being.

DarlingNikita · 03/02/2019 13:37

got up this morning and cooked the sausages in the fridge

What, just for themselves? Was that their parting shot? but sausages are important

suzieduh · 03/02/2019 13:37

Well done OP Thanks

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 03/02/2019 13:38

Well done, Fabaunt!