To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

Good luck.
Be prepared for different scenarios- she's shown herself to be fairly passive aggressive.

Her parents are supposed to be the sitters. She always says she’d only trust me or her parents with her kids to look after them but I have stopped minding them since she asked me to buy gas. So she has no problem asking on Facebook for minders. I realized by “trust” she meant “free”.

To be honest I’m fuming about the kids at the wedding thinking about it the past few days. I always said I wanted child free. When it came to planning it, I was told to duck off. While I adore her children they are naughty and I don’t want her kids pulling out of me while I’m wearing ivory. And to the poster who said I’ll probably end up running after them, you’re probably right. When we have food out, I generally end up feeding the youngest and then entertaining him or running after him because he is bored sitting still. The more I am thinking, the more I feel annoyed being rail roaded into it. Her entire family is in the wedding party. I didn’t want any kids at the wedding, the oldest child ran onto the alter and was making snow angels on the alter behind the vicar during his brothers christening.

I am catholic and we are having a catholic ceremony which will be quite long. It is probably unreasonable to expect a 4 year old to sit still and I don’t want him racing around the church or doing a dance on the alter behind the priest.

To put it bluntly, I don’t want them there. I really don’t want them there. This is my day, and my DPs day. I don’t want to assume responsibility for her children or worry what they’re doing to do. To be honest this is bugging me more than the honeymoon.

So tell her.
Say what you just said.
That if she can't attend your wedding you understand.
Repeat.

Say no then .

This is my day, and my DPs day. I don’t want to assume responsibility for her children or worry what they’re doing to do.

Tell her exactly that.

Fabaunt - you need to reframe your thinking.

You seem almost terrified of losing the friendship of these people. And I understand that's partly (or even mostly) to do with the fact that the men are brothers with no parental contact.

But, to quite a strong degree, so what?

They don't bring anything to your life. Yes, the nephews, but are they really worth being treated like this for?

Do you have any other friends? You most know that this is not normal. That this is not 'friendship'.

Once your own DC come along, you will inevitably meet more people, so if you're worried about your social lives constricting, the opposite will happen.

Instead of being scared of losing these two, you should be making moves to ensure it happens.

So what if she kicks off, has a tantrum, guilt trips you, and tells you how awful you're being? All this should do is remind you why you're doing it.

Like ditching an abusive partner, life will be so much freer and lighter without these people in it.

Embrace the fact that you might not have so much of them in your life.

I think a fair approach would be to speak to your DP, if you haven't already. I think he broadly has to move on this and put you first. I think he's ducking out and leaving you to take the flak.

What a massive pair of horrible CF's

They sound like terrible people! I wonder, if you sit down and think, and ask yourself honestly about their behaviour after writing all this down.... do you even like them at all?

Be prepared for a barrage of guilt tripping attempts and possibly verbal abuse. Stay strong!

No. To be completely honest. I just want to keep thinking of more horrible stuff they’ve done and realise even more they don’t like me as a friend either. I honestly am dreading seeing them at the weekend because I won’t look at them the same. I always felt sorry for her, I’d have him murdered by now if he was my DH he’d hard work but I’ve realized they’re both as bad as each other and deserve each other.

Come on Fabaunt you can do it!! We are all behind you. Tell them their feral children can't come to your wedding at all. And they can't bloody well come on your honeymoon either. If they can afford their holiday ( which I seriously doubt) they can just book something else!!

It's clear that you don't want to them (bil/sil) to be annoyed with you or your partner, but this has meant that they're getting more and more cheeky, and you and your partner are just accepting it and maybe hoping that they start treating you decently. It really sounds like they have no respect for either of you, and possibly really dislike you and enjoy spoiling things for you.

Anyway, you know what they say, if what you're doing isn't working then try something else. You've allowed them to set the rules and here you are. If the consequence of you behaving with some self - respect means that they have a tantrum, maybe that has to happen. Otherwise you're just going to have to hope that they develop some morals and start treating you with respect. Or you must accept that if the relationship with DP/Bil suffers , then it's Bil's fault. You can't allow them to continue like this as they'll just get worse. It actually sounds like they're trying to punish you, so whatever you accept, they have to push for a bit more next time because it wasn't enough to really hurt you.

You’ve come such a long way! Hold onto that anger, and enjoy blowing these CFs off!

And tell her that “actually we’ve had a good think and we really are set on no children at the wedding”

I genuinely don’t think they can guilt trip me because I have done so much, because I pitied the kids, I felt sorry for her. Boohoo she didn’t have clothes that fit after being pregnant and giving birth. Here’s £200 babe, get yourself some clothes. Yet when I was in hospital and asked her to go get me pjs and knickers she brought my card with her to pay. Now I don’t mind paying for my own stuff but there was no offer to go get my stuff. Yet when she was in hospital I brought her up pads and magazines and hand cream, and comfy underwear and that squash that she likes.

It’s 100% my own fault. I can see it now. I let her treat me and I kept giving. Why wouldn’t she keep taking. I am used to sharing, my other friends, I would pick up the lunch bill today and they would pick it up next time. I have two friends in particular who id have to nearly race to the counter to pay because they always insist.

I guess I’m used to being in a situation where you buy someone a drink you get one back, you treat someone to lunch they get you back.

Except I’m always treating, and when I think of the pattern I’m so annoyed but in the moment, £20 is nothing to me but so much to her.

when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday last year she picked out a pair of adidas sneakers. When I asked what wine her mom liked because I wanted to get her a small gift for her 50th she told me her mom wasn’t drinking at the min and that she was looking at the Marc Jacobs daisy perfume.

I can’t believe I have been so simple. This is not who I am. And I genuinely don’t think I’ll be guilt tripped because she is not who she is either.

BIL i think realises he’s a chancer and may be like okay the game is up, when he’s called on it. She is the one who expects things, she wouldn’t hesitate to tell me if I done something to upset her because she’d think in her heart I was wrong

Take a leaf out of Marie Kondos book - they don't spark joy, so bin them.

Let this weekend be the last weekend you give them headspace. Let it be the weekend you put a line under the anxiety they cause you. Tell them you and your dp have made a very final decision and are not having any kids at your wedding at all, not for the wedding party, not for photos - just no. Then add that you won't be inviting her parents as obviously they will have to stay home to mind the kids. Let her fuck you out of it if thats her style, or let her cry in an attempt to make you feel guilty if that's her style. Don't apologise as you are not sorry. Keep telling yourself you are suiting yourselves from now on and will not be bullied into anything by her or her lazy assed Dh. The best outcome would be if she says she won't be bridesmaid so - result - tell her that's ok, that she is of course entitled to step back.

Defo kondo then op.
Thrown them in the rubbish heap of joyless relationships.

I think that the kindest way to look at the situation is that she's come to see you as providing some kind of benefit that she's entitled to. The problem with seeing it that kindly is that she has to actively manipulate your or lie to you (e.g. selling the kids presents) to keep it up, which removes any pretense of innocence.

It's a hard situation Fabaunt and you are obviously a very kind person. What a shame she's taken such advantage of that fact.

Ok, so two things.

1. She wouldn't hesitate to tell you when she's upset. So return the favour! You tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you're upset. And explain exactly why.

1. It absolutely IS worth the argument. You should enjoy the argument!!

OP! I can see you getting angry.... you go girl! Sometimes, getting angry about a situation after it’s been analysed makes you see far more clearly. You come across as lovely so don’t allow these fuckers an inch more. Hope your wedding day is wonderful and your honeymoon is glorious.... then run their bloody noses in it :)

rub d’oh!

I am so annoyed that you aren't getting the wedding that you want because of these people! They are the biggest CF's I've ever read about on here!

This is awful, I hope you sort it out OP! Please don’t let them ruin your honeymoon. You will regret it if you don’t put your foot down.

Blimey op.

Can I just as what their wedding and honeymoon was like?

They have had some experience of all this. How did they fund it? What was your role in it all?