To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

"I am genuinely stumped and ashamed that I’ve left it get so out of control with her. I genuinely didn’t even realize how pathetic I sounded until I read back what I was reading."
Don't be ashamed! That would be blaming yourself for being kind and supportive, instead of blaming them for being greedy and grasping. Instead, congratulate yourself for having woken up to their manipulative shite, and resolve to put an and to being their cash dispenser.

But with your awakening, comes work to do.

Putting on a united front - discuss with your fiancé how you are going to deal with them in the future. What you will allow and what you will not. As an example : going to the pub as a foursome. Will you (a) buy a round and insist they get the next ones in, leaving if they don't (b) buy your own drinks and they can buy their own (c) forewarn them before going that they will be sharing the cost of the drinks equally or (d) never go to the pub with them ever again? Talk through with him the incidents you've discussed here, and agree what you would like to happen should they recur in the future. It sounds as if your fiancé has reache the end of his patience with his freeloading brother, I expect he'll have his own on how to proceed. The important thing is that you two agree on how to go about this, otherwise they will probably try the 'divide and conquor' tactic.

Honeymoon - you have to make it clear to them that they are NOT crashing your honeymoon. Because apart from it being your honeymoon, as everyone else has pointed out, you will end up paying for it. They'll pay the deposit and whine at you for the balance, or they'll stick it on a credit card and then be unable to pay it off (Sainsbury's are more likely to have her investigated for fraud than pay compensation) and you will absolutely be left with the bill for any wining and dining! If you want to do it softly suggest that this is your honeymoon, how about we go away 6 months later, then change your mind about going again once you're back. Although a good solid 'fuck off' might get through better. Kidding!

Wedding - she is pushing for her parents to come (and for you to finance their meals/room?) when she pushed for her boys to come as they would be 'no trouble'. This is one I think you should draw the line on. Remind her of her 'no trouble' and that she was the one who insisted the boys be part of the wedding party when you had wanted a child-free wedding. If something has changed so that 'no trouble' no longer applies, perhaps you should revert to child-free and the boys can stay with their grandparents. Be clear - either she and her husband are taking care of their own damned children at the wedding, or the children do not come. Just keep droning on that she said they would be no trouble, and you're holding her to that, or reverting to child-free. Use the 'stuck record' technique and refuse to be diverted by anything else she throws at you (and she will).

And stop beating yourself up for letting them get this far with their cheekyfuckery. They're clearly well practiced in the arts of CFy! Just resolve to not be on the receiving end of it any more.

I love that she has gone back to the exact same supermarket to 'fall over' and get compensation.

What a rookie.

Surely the claim will be thrown out without consideration?

If she's going to try a blatant rip off job, surely she'd have the basic cop-on to try it on at a different supermarket.

I mean, I'm no scam artist, but even I can see what's more likely to result in a win.

To everyone giving the OP advice on stern words to say, and lines to be drawn - she isn't going to be able to do any of this. If she was, she'd have done it by now.

The best anyone can advise someone who's so scared to rock the boat and say no, is just to avoid the CFs. I'm not saying it'll work as a long-term strategy. But I just can't imagine the OP ever actually saying what needs to be said.

Why do people tread on such eggshells around the most grabby, inconsiderate, rhino-hide people?

Or a channel 5 documentary @Port1ajazz

Christ, why the hell do you think they want to go on your honeymoon?! OF COURSE they expect you to pay for every restaurant/bar/cab in New York! That’s the bloody expensive part of the trip!

I bet “they couldn’t afford it otherwise” because they have kids.

Just reply. Yes, you and most other parents. But I’m not your bloody mum here be subsiding your life choices because you want to do the same things I do but can’t pay for it.

I actually am going to take a lot of this on board. I genuinely had no idea what a mug id been. I knew the honeymoon was cheeky and what she did re: boys at the wedding was cheeky but I didn’t really consider the friendship over the course of the years and think, wow! What am I at? Until I read through your replies and what I kept writing.

I mean, a couple of months ago she brought her boys over. Baby was about 16 months, oldest was 3.5

We had our entire place painted in January of last year. Light grey walls, white doors and wood work. It was painted about 3 months when she came over, with the kids. Plonked herself down on the couch, put them sitting down with their tablet and gave them a gingerbread man each. At one stage the baby was standing at my wall, banging his hands off the wall shouting. Chocolate handprints all over it. The oldest boy saw the baby doing it, and went to do it. I shouted NO! at both of them. And he kept looking at me, making eye contact as he wiped his hands across my wall and on my door. I kept asking them to sit down. They wouldn’t. I did actually say it to her at that stage then. “DF look at my walls, for fucksake I’ve just had them painted!” She kind of grinned as in “aren’t they little monkeys?” But quickly saw I was fuming. She took baby wipes out of the baby bag and got the older boy to wipe the wipe on the wall. I took some wipes and cleaned the chocolate off. She left shortly after that and said wasn’t it lucky I didn’t have kids because I could kiss goodbye to my grey walls. She made a comment a few weeks after that then that it was a ridiculous colour to choose with kids around.

Frankie, you seem to have a huge problem with me and the thread. Please report it if you feel like it’s violating community guidelines, but you’re consistently trying to drag the thread off topic. Please stop.

What horrible people. You need to up your friendship standards. I know the DH is family but family or not I'd be pretending I live in Russia distancing myself from them. They'll drop you when you set boundaries and stop being a meal ticket, you know that don't you?

Strikeout fail.

The more you write about them the worse they sound...

He THREATENED?? her parents?? Wow.....

Oh, and the cruise might be all-inclusive but the drinks aren't. And drinks in USA are ridiculous prices - think $10 for a glass of wine....

I can't believe they think it's o.k. to gatecrash someone's honeymoon!

She made a comment a few weeks after that then that it was a ridiculous colour to choose with kids around.

Bloody ell! She even thinks she can dictate your interior decorating to you!

She sounds worse and worse. I have plenty of friends with pale walls and children! Any my own kids have never wiped chocolatey hand-prints on other people’s walls because....you know, I’m not a lazy cunt who can’t be fucked to parent properly.

I so wish they were on MN and recognised themselves. You, OP, are a nice, decent, generous person and they are scum. SO thrilled to think that this is where my tax is going - to fund their lives whilst they go to the gym (and on your honeymoon apparently).

When are you going to tell them they can't come on your honeymoon?

I think we are all waiting to hear how they take it when you start standing up to them, so we can cheer with you OP

Loads of people with children have pale walls.

And most parents will stop their children from wiping mucky hands on walls and doors.

missconduct yes please!!! That’s be awesome. Bagels with smoked salmon and cream cheese please

They could book any holiday they like but they want to come with you? I wonder why?
Perhaps it’s because if they went by themselves they would have to pay their own way and it’s not quite as attractive as getting a mug to pay ie you

said wasn’t it lucky I didn’t have kids because I could kiss goodbye to my grey walls

I can't imagine saying this to someone who's lost a baby. It sounds so cruel to me. I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve much better.

When do you plan to tell them they are not welcome on your honeymoon.

And grey walls sound lovely and any yes ok kids do naughty things from time to time, but many many parents have lovely walls that don't have chocolate smeared all over them.

OP, perhaps you should show you have a backbone?
Go and tell them they can't come on your honeymoon for a start.
Talking about it does not make change - doing something different makes change.

Or, you'll continue being a doormat that moans privately and it will continue.

We are meeting up at the weekend it’s DPs cousins 30th, so they’ll come to ours and we’ll go together and it’ll be the first of a new attitude. I’ll have Sunday with her sober so I’ll have a wedding chat with her and say that the boys can come to the church and the photos but must leave afterwards. I’ll tackle that first; and if she brings up the honeymoon - or cruise as she prefers to call it, I will laugh and say I’ve been thinking about it and to be honest we want to be alone to do naughty things to each other and that me and her can do a spa weekend after I get back if she can afford it

I think thats a perfect plan, although I think you're unlikely to lose the boys until after the meal.

Good luck

Make sure if she says about going on the cruise, you say this...
It seems very unfair you are trying to gatecrash my honeymoon, when I have tried telling you nicely that we want to go alone. ..
Then just keep saying no, it is private...

Would she realistically have a sitter for the dc given she thinks her dps are also attending the wedding?

Bless you OP, you sound like a genuinely nice woman who has had the utter piss taken out of her, I wish you look this weekend in her kicking ass, into touch.