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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabaunt · 31/01/2019 11:14

Thank you, just did that. Hopefully they can edit it

OP posts:
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 31/01/2019 11:18

they are on the fiddle and lazy. Just be polite, but busy, consistently. DO NOT invite them on your honeymoon or any holiday, it's not their 'last chance' they can go anything. That's manipulative and FOMO. GO to NYC and let your hair down, not with penny pinchers. By all means by small gifts for their kids, but limit it, don't 'go out' with them. Invite them over to the house occasionally for dinner- but not to a place where they can't afford, because they can not say no, and can not afford it. You don't need to be pally..... but be kind and polite and smile......families that are too close nd reiant on each other usually come a croper and fall out...

Miffymeow · 31/01/2019 11:25

Who on earth invites themselves on someone elses honeymoon...?? These don't sound like friends, they sound like entitled freeloaders that don't care about your feelings. Why should you be working and giving your money to them? They have chosen to have kids, those kids are not your responsibility either... These people are taking major advantage of making you feel guilty, that isn't what friends do.

ShatnersWig · 31/01/2019 11:54

Who on earth invites themselves on someone elses honeymoon...??

Kenneth Williams invited himself on Barbara Windsor's honeymoon. And he went, too.

dippywhentired · 31/01/2019 11:58

You haven't said how they plan to pay for the trip. Surely they're not expecting you to pay for them to go on your honeymoon?!

Twisique · 31/01/2019 12:00

They sound down right abusive! Nasty people! Decide with your husband not to give any more and stick to it, grey rock technique would work well. No discussion with them, they will just try to manipulate you even more. Just draw a line and don't let them cross it. You will feel empowered.

Original poster
Fabaunt · 31/01/2019 12:07

No they don’t expect us to pay (I hope!) they’re hoping to have the money sorted by then

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 31/01/2019 12:18

They will not have the money sorted by then and definitely will hit you up for the cost of that trip.

SugaredSocks · 31/01/2019 12:24

So sorry that she's (they) are proving to be so toxic. Sadly I think you can guarantee that even if they pay to go on your honeymoon you'll be expected to put your hand in your pocket more times than anyone would think is reasonable. They are so entitled that even if you pointed it all out to them they'd still somehow manage to twist it to make you feel guilty. I honestly don't see how you can save the friendship at this point. It's obviously going to be different to go nc as her husband is your husband to be's brother but I'd leave him to it and hold them at arms length as much as possible. You've already said you dread to think what she's be like if you do have dc's and her judgement shouldn't be clouding your future happiness. I hope you can figure something out. You sounds like a wonderful friend good luck Thanks

SugaredSocks · 31/01/2019 12:24

Difficult not different oops

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 31/01/2019 12:45

I don’t understand all the angst, they’re freeloading cunts and your a doormat. Either have nothing more to do with them or continue bankrolling a pair of selfish bastards.

In what universe are they friends? You must have really low self esteem if you think this is how decent people treat each other.

Getting rid of them won’t be a problem, the minute you stop facilitating their lifestyle they’ll drop you like a hot turd in search of the next mug.

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 31/01/2019 12:46

You’re even 😃

Clutterbugsmum · 31/01/2019 12:58

No they don’t expect us to pay (I hope!) they’re hoping to have the money sorted by then Of course they do, get ready for a tonne load of guilt to be heaped on you when you are due to pay the balance on your honeymoon.

BlackCatSleeping · 31/01/2019 13:03

It does seem a bit like the frog in the pot of water that’s getting gradually hotter and hotter...

My advice about the kids is to set a budget, say 30 pounds per birthday and Christmas, and don’t go over that. Give the presents in person and encourage them to play with them or unbox them yourself before wrapping. That way she won’t be able to sell them on.

You need to start saying no. It’s all about boundaries, OP. Visit them at their house, don’t go out with them. That sort of thing.

Maybe try and find some different friends. This woman is not your friend. I think you can see that now.

Figgygal · 31/01/2019 13:04

How do you bare them?

Does your dp feel responsible for his brother because of a lack of parent figures?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 31/01/2019 13:04

Hi op. So everyone’s told you (in no uncertain terms) this pair are the cheekiest of fuckers. I have to say it made an excruciating read

What are you going to do? Are you going to let them come on your honeymoon? Dictate how your wedding is? Make you pay for everything?

You say you don’t want to spit dps family up. Is this blood tie worth keeping? It’s a shame he’s related to such a shit frankly (a protein-filled shit at that) . Is this how you want the rest of your life?

BlackCatSleeping · 31/01/2019 13:22

I can’t believe you’ve gone from a child free wedding to having them as pageboys! 😂

They should write a book. This is pro level cheeky fuckery. They can call it “How to get what you want in life without paying a penny”.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 31/01/2019 13:30

I reckon they will pay the deposit then come to you to settle the balance.
Which of course you will.
Likely she will want 50/50 time as the bride on the honeymoon too.
50/50 time with your dh possibly..
She wants your life after all. Dh included.

ememem84 · 31/01/2019 13:33

Missconductus thanks! I’ve booked my flights. I’ll be arriving soon. You’ll pick me up from airport right?!

I am desperate to go back to nyc. Best place in the world.

CrabbityRabbit · 31/01/2019 13:39

Have you decided what to say to them yet?

I sympathise as I hate confrontation and agonise over upsetting people.

dippywhentired · 31/01/2019 13:47

You sound like you're resigned to having them join you on your honeymoon. Surely that's the easiest thing to say 'no' to? No normal people would think it's ok to invite themselves on another couple's honeymoon. If they think they'll have the money to pay for it by then, why can't they just book themselves a holiday by themselves? Oh that's right, then you won't be there to pick up the tab!

MorningRichie · 31/01/2019 13:51

Just read their reasons for not working so not RTFT yet.

Can I ask if they voted for Brexit? Everything about their lazy, sponging horrific aattitude suggests they'd be that type.

If that's the case, then I would have nothing to do with them in any way, shape or form.

MissConductUS · 31/01/2019 15:23

Missconductus thanks! I’ve booked my flights. I’ll be arriving soon. You’ll pick me up from airport right?!

@ememem84 Of course we will! I'll have DH rent a limo to come get you and make sure he has a bottle of chilled Prosecco and an assortment of bagels in the back for you in case you need a nibble.

Shall he swing by Saks or Bloomindales on the way home to take you shopping?

Port1ajazz · 31/01/2019 15:25

Sorry ! this has the makings of a great comedy program .!

Port1ajazz · 31/01/2019 15:32

ENormosnob , IF all this is true ? Then I completely agree !