To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

@FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle "Has anyone else noticed op’s Americanisms? “Apartment” “groomsman”. Still think this is a load of bs."

So? You are aware this is an international website? There are people on here posting from all over the world; UK, Canada, Australia, America, New Zealand. Even India. Why do you think only people from the UK are on here?

Oh, and groomsman is the correct English word and is used in Australia, in the UK, and in Canada. Not sure what is wrong with that word, since it is British English. Same with apartment. It is more common in lexicon in Australia, NZ, Canada, India, in Italy, in France and also is now becoming common in the UK.

So despite both words being correct proper English terms, I am not sure what you are saying. That because she uses the term apartment (which many in the UK nowadays use) she shouldn't be allowed on here? That only people from the UK should be on here? If that is the case, get the owner of this site to re-locate the site to the UK (it is .com after all, and not .co.uk) and geoblock anyone from outside the UK posting on it.

Reported.

I'm an American and the term groomsmen is not commonly used here. The groom's attendants at a wedding are usually called his "best men".

I’m not American. Didn’t realize there was a problem with my English?

All very bizarre op.

I have posted screenshots of some of my conversations with her but to be honest I’m uncomfortable at having to do that.

You do realise they're only treating you like this because you're allowing it. With the greatest respect, get some dignity and tell them to do one.

'You do realise they're only treating you like this because you're allowing it. With the greatest respect, get some dignity and tell them to do one.'

@MonkeyPiemama

Hopefully, with this pithy advice, there endeth the thread!

You know this isn’t ok right? If this was a marriage/relationship it would be viewed as financial and emotional abuse. Your opinions and wants are being bulldozed and trampled on and I suspect you have let people do that to you for your whole life. Friends DO NOT take advantage of other friend’s good/weak nature in this way. They just don’t. She sounds like she is resentful of the life you have and feels fully entitled to a slice (probably partially to keep you in your place and not let her feel inferior to you or your lifestyle). Brother sounds exactly the same. Does he have no shame at all?! Learn the word no. Use it. Often. It won’t stop or change or improve if you don’t.

OrigamiZoo

Reported.

Why?

These people sound absolutely awful. Stop socialising with them.

And of course they can't come on your honeymoon, that's totally inappropriate. Just say very bluntly that the honeymoon is just the two of you.

Good lord, how did you let it get this far?

Santaclarita Thu 31-Jan-19 05:53:11
OrigamiZoo Reported. Why? Exactly If you don't like the thread then ignore and move on.

OP I get why this is hard, you and your DP are so intertwined as she married to your BIL, especially as your DP and BIL have no other family.

But unfortunately I do think whatever you and your DP decide to do, and you do need to do this as a united front will do damage this relationship, as they have decided that they get to dictate to you and spend your hard earn money as they want.

I hope you and your DP can come up with a plan moving forward.

Do you have any other friends? Do they treat you like this as well?

Have I misunderstood? Did you say that neither her or her husband work? If that’s the case how on earth would they be able to afford to join you for your honeymoon, unless they have lots of money from other means? Either way, it’s not about people coming on your honeymoon at all.

This sounds like a car crash waiting to happen
I’m really sorry that you’re in this situation
It sounds like there are some narsacistic traits coming out. I think it’s time to distance yourself

I think you are getting a bit of a rough ride here OP. These sorts of situations creep up insidiously. No one is a balls-out CF from the get-go. They will start in small ways and it will just mushroom. You seem a lovely person & will find this difficult but try to think of it this way - you are doing them a favour in the long run. They have grown to rely on you and now feel entitled to the lifestyle you have but it is totallly unsustainable in the long run. Start weaning them off.....and start by making it clear that your honeymoon is off limits. Because one thing is absolutely clear - they simply cannot afford your honeymoon and will be expecting you to foot the bill.

After baby boy 1 was born she was very upset she had no clothes to fit her and I gave her £200 to get some tops and stuff. She bought an iPhone 6, didn’t buy clothes. I remember being so angry I vowed I would never pander to her like that again but I guess I have.

You gave this person money to buy clothes and she bought herself an iphone 6 instead, and then you spend 8 pages asking us whether you ought to be her friend or not. NO, just don't be her friend, she uses you! and you let her. She clearly has some kind of hold over you.

She's probably a seething mass of dislike and envy towards you, with a fake smile plastered on top so she can continue to winkle money out of you. Money that is hers by right!

Believe it or not, I would definitely not be seen as a push over in my personal life or my professional life. I am genuinely stumped and ashamed that I’ve left it get so out of control with her. I genuinely didn’t even realize how pathetic I sounded until I read back what I was reading.

I think what is so hard with her is, she’s not outwardly brazen so you don’t really see it coming. A few examples would be, her son loving dinosaurs, her finding a coat in debenhams and she’ll say “oh, ds1+2 would love that, if you’re getting them clothes xx” or “they have kylo ren on offer in Argos. Ds 1 would love it xx”. Herself and BIL have a weird relationship and I guess I feel a bit sorry for her at times. He’s a CF that’s proud. He laughs about things he can get from people, like the free massages he can get from her other friend, or the free laptop he got from a guy he goes to the gym with. He’s definitely more manipulative in so far as when he wanted to save money before he threatened her parents they’d have to move really far away with the kids so that the parents would let them move in. But she’s more greedy. She would see the fact that both of us are working and we have no kids, that we DO have disposable income. Going back to the weekend away, she was genuinely appalled because she felt like we took her money when we went for food. She felt that because we took their money, it was our fault she couldn’t get the kids what she wanted to buy them.

There was an incident last year where we went out for drinks (my DP has a craft beer hobby) to this craft beer place and he ended up paying the tab at the end of the night. We went for a kebab afterwards and got a taxi to theirs (we were staying). When we got to their house [redacted] said to me to get out of the taxi and walk away, which left them in it to pay. She followed us into the house and asked DP for our half of the taxi. DP told her “get away! I bought all the drinks!” She stormed off to bed and left us there, and BIL came in and called him sneaky. My DP was tipsy and he said he is always the one paying for everything, it’s £20 mate. The next morning she spoke to me and said she found DP aggressive the night before when she asked him for his share of the taxi. I said I didn’t want to get involved but that it was worth remembering DP didn’t ask them for their share of the bill in the pub. She told me that money was tight for them and it’s not easy having small kids, that they never get to go out.

She is a little bit happier for us when we get nice things though, two years ago I changed my car from a golf to a bmw, and I was so excited. Now it wasn’t a brand new car but it was new to me and I was so excited. The first time I drove it to theirs, he jumped in and brought it for a test drive. He spent the whole evening saying it wasn’t a good car, there was some bearing gone in it, it wasn’t safe, if I crashed it I would be killed. The whole evening was spent talking about how I wasted my money. Even when the subject changed he would bring it back to the car. It’s an m-sport, two door, and he said “if you gave it to me for free I wouldn’t drive it” and I got so annoyed and said, well you can’t, you have kids, I don’t. That kind of shut him up. Now she was a little bit more happy for me, told me it was gorgeous, to drive safe.

She just spends money on stupid things, iPhones, shoes,getting her eyebrows tattooed on. Things she’s borrowing money for, I don’t understand. She’s doing this on the back of receiving money for falling. She gets jealous over little things like when my friend asked me to be bridesmaid she seemed upset and snipey, said not to expect to be included much in the wedding bridesmaids are just for the pictures but when I asked her to be my bridesmaid she was so excited and helped me plan more than my DP has.

She gets jealous over little things like last year three of my friends were pregnant and I was very excited and was putting little hampers together for each (I did the same for her twice) and she saw one of my friends after the baby was born and she was making fun of the cheap travel system my friend had. I sent her a pic of one of the babies when it was born, with her fluffy little ginger hair and my friend said she looked rusty. I just know when I’m pregnant she will be upset, especially if I have a girl.

We did talk briefly about kids and how I was scared of going through a pregnancy again after last time and she (tactfully not meanly) asked me if I thought it would be worth it putting myself through pregnancy again. I genuinely don’t know if she meant that kindly or if she doesn’t want us to have kids.

This post was edited by MNHQ

Oops name drop OP

You’ve accidentally put your DP’s name in that last post OP, you might want to ask the admins to edit that out.

Crap!! Do I just report it

I can sort of see how it happens though.
If they started off with asking for small things, and then upped their demands once you were in the habit of letting the small things go, then I can see how you almost wouldn’t notice the whole thing snowballing out of control until something more extreme happens (such as their honeymoon idea) to make you stop and have a proper look at the situation.

But your friend and her DH will just carry on as they have been unless you and your DP start saying no.

Crap!! Do I just report it

That’s what I’d do, report it and explain about your DP’s name being there accidentally.