To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

Fabaunt
No DP wouldn’t have because before BIL met my friend he would have had a decent job in sales and was self sufficient. When they met she moved in to his apartment and he paid for everything. When they got married she wanted to move back closer to her mother, so he found it hard to get work in his area (sales/commission) that paid as well as where he was, and she didn’t really want to work. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. They then had the kids. He started to focus on losing weight and doing cross fit and training so would spend hours in the gym and then prepping meals to make sure he was eating the correct food. Now neither of them have time to work.

You typed that as if the way they live was the most normal thing in the world which I guess it might be for 0.0000000000000000001% of the population.

They have treated you both like mugs and you have let them. You keep referring to her as your friend - she may be plenty of things but friend is not one of them.

Your DP doesn't wan't to upset his brother and neither of you appear capable of saying the simple word NO so I wish you well and hope you enjoy your honeymoon accompanied by the slobs, for whom, of course, you will pay.

Good luck.

OP change your honeymoon. At least the dates - and don't tell them. It's all very well saying tell them you don't want them there and they can't come, but if they know where you're going and with which company, and if they can find the money (without relying on you to bankroll it) then you can't actually stop them booking the same things and being there anyway.

I don't know how you can bear to be anyway near these absoloute pisstakers op. They are not only taking you for a ride but everyone else by the sounds of it,what with their insurance scams and (highly likely) benefit cheating too.They are a disgrace, and you and your partner are enabling their behaviour by being too soft with them. I cannot believe she made you provide your own heating when you babysat lol.Did she make you bring a bog roll too incase you needed a wee? She wants to join you on your honeymoon (wtf!) because soon their kids will be too old to leave behind? Umm shouldn't it be harder to leave your kids when they're little? How does her husband need all day to go to the gym and put a salad together? How come her fibromyalgia stops her working but not socialising,holidaying, popping out kids and sliding all over Sainsbury's? How come Sainsbury's floor is so slippery anyway? Does she still take the risk of shopping there, or has she decided Waitrose or Marks is a safer bet? Her being such a slippery customer,would it really make a difference where she shops? Maybe advise her that online shopping would be less risky, and then advise both her and her partner to get up off their scrounging arses,get jobs and fuck off out of your lives until they change their cheeky fuckery ways.

You need to sit down with your DP and agree on what you can both cope with, and what you can’t. Then write those points down. Concoct a plan of action (eg re: the honeymoon) and write that down together. Then stick to the points and the plan. The current situation isn’t tenable, but there may be an “extinction burst” to guilt you into reversing your policy change, and that’s when you both really need to stand together. Good luck!

Next time they mention that going on honeymoon with you would be their last chance to have a holiday without the kids....remind them that you're paying for a lovely room in the hotel on the night of your wedding, that they could enjoy without the kids.
In fact ask the hotel if they can throw in a 2nd night for free.
And then remind them they are not coming on honeymoon with you.

It wasn’t worth the argument

But where does this end?
Everytime you say yes to avoid an argument, she will ask for more.

One day they will push it too far, you will say no, and she will erupt. You can't put off this argument forever.

Better that you tackle it now, calmly, before it builds up even more resentment on your side.

Agree everything with your dh beforehand, you need to be a united front.
Don't "discuss"- tell them no, very clearly.
you don't need to explain any further. If they kick off, leave, say you will see them when they are calmer.

"No our honeymoon is for us only, you can't come"
"I am not going to discuss it further, you are not invited to our honeymoon"
"I'm happy to change the subject and talk about something else, but if you keep on talking about this I'm going home now"
"OK bye. When you are ready to move on from this, let's catch up"

She will probably be really furious, but as you say your dp is his brother's only brother, I think they will come round eventually. I doubt they have any other friends.

If you don't tackle this now, she will be unbearable when you have kids. Jealous, competitive, probably criticising your parenting and your children to boost her own self esteem.

People surely don't live like this?! Who entirely subsidises other people's lives? Even if they are family.

OP if this is real there is no help for you. If it has got this bad, no way you will back out now. Enjoy that foursome honeymoon!

So what if she’s American?

OP, you need to put a stop to this NOW.

I think you and your DP need to go round and have a serious chat with them.

They are taking the piss.

Tell them in no uncertain terms that your honeymoon is your own and you do not want to share it with them. They are not invited. End of discussion.

Tell them you also don’t appreciate being told who you can and can’t invite to your own wedding.

You really need to start putting your foot down with them, but you need to do it as a couple. A united front.

You do realise that if you allow them to join you on your honeymoon that they will bring the kids and expect you to look after and pay for them? So that they can have a 'child free holiday'?

Buy personalised gifts they can't then sell those easily 😂

If the OP is as you believe winding everyone up, then stop reading and leave and click another read, it sounds very reasonable what she is saying things snowball, starts off with small bits and ends up when you don't realise what your doing, your just buying for them as you would yourself and in your mind you are doing no wrong, its not until one thing makes you think and then as the OP has done, asked for advice and when she writes it down more and more comes tumbling out, that she didnt realise were more of them taking the pure michael. Yes I am sure she like lots of others who are taken in this way (myself included) feel idiotic and dont need others telling them how stupid they have been, they were trying to help, trying to give a bit of sunshine to someone else, loved the kids and wanted them to have the good things their parents couldnt be bothered with ...

Can't dp talk to his own brother about this? Surely he can say that what you both want for your OWN wedding is no children? He could point out that you both have other friends with children who are very close to you and those children aren't coming either - their paents have just said it's a grown-up thing and there's been no problems. If BIL/BF tell their children in a sensible way then the boys won't mind but if BIL and friend want to upset their children then they'll say something stupid about it instead, but that's their choice.

And certainly HER parents aren't invited and won't be included.

Then dp tackles the honeymoon. This is easier: "Look mate, it's our HONEYMOON. We DON'T WANT YOU THERE." Done.

You need to be assertive with them. I’ve seen you be assertive and blunt on these forums so perhaps try it in the written form.

Btw, it is worth the argument. It really, really is.

Has OP gone ?

Please OP stand up for yourselves

Op I might come on your honeymoon if that’s ok. I’d love to go back to New York. I adored it the last time I went 2013. Such an amazing city.

I’ll bring my own money and won’t be much bother.

Op I might come on your honeymoon if that’s ok. I’d love to go back to New York

And you can just stay with me, as DS is at uni and his room is empty, right? Won't be a bit of bother I'm sure.

If they can't afford dinners out they shouldn't be going. Very cheeky to expect someone to do all the paying for them. As for children's gifts obviously been picking out expensive items just to sell for the money. Do as you did and pick a gift yourself for the kids. Does she think you and DP are their nancial backers. Go out, don't tell them or let them know saying obviously you won't want to go due to your finances. Why can folk just not understand basic finances.

Neither of them have time to work?! I'm fairly sure I could find reasons not to have time to work but you know how it is, bills to pay, food to buy etc etc.
I'm rubbish at standing up for myself and confronting people but I'm surprised you haven't let the no word slip a few times by now. Literally slip, I find I'm not good at gearing up to say it but when someone is really taking the piss it does actually fall out of my mouth.
Tell DP to sort bil out and rein in the free meal tickets for a while. They will get the message

Do not holiday with people who aren't in the same financial position as you/don't have the same attitude to spending money that you do. Disaster waiting to happen. Maintain the relationship with nice dinners at your houses instead of holidays or expensive meals out. And do NOT allow anyone else to come on your honeymoon!

Having RTFT, I'm really confused as to why OP is friends with this woman.
OP - You are their cash machine/meal ticket. You know it and it won't change unless you act differently and STOP funding these chancers.