To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

Not friends, users. Your dp needs to have a serious word with his brother. You should wind your relationship with her down and learn to say no. You don't need to explain or make excuses, just say no.
If the provident man is coming to you, redirect him. If not it's not your problem. These people are jealous and nasty and don't care about you.

All I can think of is that your DP has spent his whole life being told to indulge and placate his brother - for some reason the brother was the parents' favourite child and your H was taught this at such an early age that it is a deeprooted belief of his - everything good he has must be shared with his brother but his brother must be given the best bits.
I don't know if you have a sibling who is your parents' favourite or if you were just bullied at school or something. But the big problem is that you and your DP have been trained to be absolute mugs - that you must always give in to other people's demands, that you have no right to anything nice for yourselves and that you owe the rest of the world all your time, money and energy. This couple know you are mugs - and they also probably got together in the first place because each of them recognised a compatible bully and user in the other.

What do they live on? Why don't. They work . Lazy feckers ( Unless they are disabled )

"We're coming on your honeymoon with you"

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

They are CF freeloaders with a massive sense of entitlement. My ex DH also has fibromyalgia but still manages to get his arse out of bed to work every day. I have weight issues, but still manage to go to work every day. As for your honeymoon, just tell her it’s your honeymoon.... people don’t gatecrash other peoples honeymoons unless they are cheeky fuckers with no idea of decent boundaries. They honestly have no respect for you or your DP. Time to close the ATM.

She's not a friend, she sees you as a cash cow who owes her a certain standard of living.

Just out of interest, how long has he been out of work and how much weight has he lost?

Can we get this right. Your other half, and her other half are brothers? They are the ones who need to sort this, I think.

I think arrangements should be sorted before you go out, not after.

You’re saying they don’t work? And people say benefits aren’t enough to live in and they are talking about going to NY with you? The mind boggles. Do not be taken in by these people, this happened to me and I paid for years, biggest regret of my life.

I feel so awful for you. Realising you've been used by a good friend is terrible.
I really would just stop now, they can't really believe you owe them money because they're poor and you're not ?!
You have the choice of wedding that you want or wedding that she wants. It doesn't sound as though the friendship is going to last much longer anyway, don't let the wedding be another thing she ruins for you.

I started reading the thread thinking there were two piss-takers and I've finished it thinking there's probably just the one...

If they say anything more about the honeymoon laugh and say "we thought you were joking when you talked about coming with us" Then go absolutely serious and say "No, just no it is ourhoneymoon, you don't take guests on a honeymoon"
As regards their Dc's I think yes perhaps give in on them coming to the wedding, but not her parents, and withdraw from spending so much time socially with them, be very busy with other things/friends.

I'm wondering if she sold the kid's clothes after they have been used? If so it's not really unreasonable. Kids grow out of things, and it makes sense to sell nice things to use the money for some new clothes rather than send them to a charity shop.

OTOH, if she has sold the stuff unused then you have every right to be furious.

Your friend has no pride😱and also not much respect for you and your partner.How you choose to spend your well earned cash is none of her business.

I have fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, polycystic kidney disease and sarcoma but I still work full time!

Sorry Fabaunt you're being screwed by this pair and worse they're blackmailing you into feeling guilty ! Does your DP ever say anything about how he feels about their treatment ?
I'm sorry the remedy is in you and your DPs hands you need to stop refinancing their lifestyle now ! If you don't you will be they are living the life they want at your expense !!

I completely understand how this has built up - layer on layer, but its clear you can see now that they are completely taking the P.
They have both absolutely played on your good natures and family feeling and they use this to win their arguments about why you should pay again and again.
The other thing I notice is that once you have agreed to pay for something, they expect you to continue to do so, as if -- shock horror - you have somehow "promised" or almost "entered into a contract" with them that you are not allowed to withdraw.
This is a great technique isn't it.
It also seems to me that every time you say tyou don't want to do something or question this woman in any way at all - she reacts by "punishing" you, by going "huffy" cold shoulder or actually having the audacity to tell you to fuck off and order your wedding to suit her.
She is an out and out bully. And she is controling both you and your DH to be.
Being in a family or having family affection does not entitle her to treat you like this. Not paying for her doesn't make you a "shitty Friend" When it looks like you have stood your ground, she gets her partner to complain to your DH to be - to get him to use his influence to make you obey her. She is unhinged and her demands are only going to increase.
The reasons they give for why you should pay are ridiculous.
Yes, its fair enough to give your nephews Christmas and Birthday presents. But set a budget and tell her that upfront. Stop askign her what they want and provide the present. It sounds like she complains about everything you buy anyway. She is awful.
How badly do you need friends that you have to have this woman as your bestie? Stop socialising with them. Get new friends. See them on family occasions if they are so into "family" stuff.
You are subsidising them. You have an expensive wedding to pay for. When she asks for mre you have to say, I am already paying for your outfits.
Regarding the wedding it sounds like you will end up looking after her unruly kids on your own wedding day. The only way around this I am afraid is to bite the bullet and invite her mother with the proviso that she looks after the kids all day at the wedding (if she is any good at this of course. Otherwise bite the bullet and hire a babysitter for the day. Its galling but you cannot let it ruin your wedding )
No to the honeymoon. Say outright I don't want anyone else on my honeymoon under any circumstances. If you want a holiday without kids off you go, but not on my honeymoon. And don't go on holiday with them again either.
Having controlled both of you for two years (?) in such a flagrant way, you can expect a big pushback, sulks, tantrums etc... but ask yourself if she starts shouting and stamping her foot or ignoring you? is that worse than living like this?
You have your own husband and potentially your own family which you should be saving for, not propping up these two leeches.
You alsoneed to take a step back because when she doesn't get her compensation or the moneylender wants his money back, they will be coming after you two to bale them out and that does not sound cheap.
It is going to be very tough standing up to them but you have to think of your own life.

If they say anything more about the honeymoon laugh and say "we thought you were joking when you talked about coming with us" Then go absolutely serious and say "No, just no it is ourhoneymoon, you don't take guests on a honeymoon"

You must absolutely say this!

I honestly think if you are really struggling with telling them that they cannot join your honeymoon, you are never going to be able to stand up to them on smaller things, even if you do ultimately manage with the honeymoon. It is well understood that honeymoons are just for the newly married couple and it really should not be even slightly difficult to point this out and laugh the suggestion off, never mind that their reasons for wanting to go on this holiday at this time are spurious.

Did they have a honeymoon? Was it just the two of them?

In relation to the wedding, you have caved on the children. One further option in relation to the parents if you cant just say no would be to say that you cannot afford to pay for them due to budget, so your friend/BIL will have to pay if they want them there. Only do this if you would not mind them being there and know them pretty well. There are parents of some of my friends who i enjoy seeing when the occasion arises so who i might accommodate if it really helped out my friend. There are other parents I would not be so accomodating towards, either because i do not know them or have not found them to be friendly/welcoming when i see them

Why don't you just sent her 30% of your income each month too? And you 'idolize' her kids? Seriously? Think she idolises yours?

She doesn’t work because she has fibromyalgia and he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track
I can understand maybe why she doesn't work due to disability however I really object to paying my taxes for people who want to meal prep and go to the gym.

New Yorker here. Thank you for planning to visit us on your honeymoon. It's a fabulous city, but no one would describe it as a cheap holiday destination. Even if they just expect you to "help" with their hotel and meals it's going to be a lot of money.

Unless you're Jeff Bezos, there will always be someone better off than you, but it's daft to expect them to subsidize your lifestyle because of it. You really need to call her out on selling the gifts. She defrauded you. I'd stop seeing them just over that, but at a minimum stop doing things with them socially where they have an opportunity to take advantage of you.

Why would you see them this weekend? Why would you willingly spend time with someone who treats you like this?
Write a better storyline.

Goodness - you do need to take back control!

These things can creep up - of course.

Tough love is required.

Stop feeling guilty that you are better off than they are. You are not responsible for them or for their life-choices.

See them as adults -capable of taking care of their situations (by moving/by getting jobs etc. )

See their choices for what they are. (Taking from the supermarket - by attempting to manipulate them, is very much like taking from you.)

Paying for them to stay in this limbo isn't actually helping them. They need to find their own feet and will never do so with you so close at hand.

I would suggest that you re-arrange your honeymoon - as a surprise- and go on slightly different dates to them. They seem to have enough cheek to go along and be paid for by you unless you do... it could be a very expensive version of the cinema tickets! Let them have the holiday of a life-time without you.

I'm struggling to see why you find her friendship so valuable, OP. It's clear that they're both living beyond their means, in fact, they're living your lifestyle, at your expense, and then manipulating you into feeling guilty.

We've all been hard up for some reason or another, and once in a while it's okay to splurge when it's not terribly advisable, but fun. However, they're seeing you both as a money source, particularly as she is ordering specific things from you - as though you were a website - and then re-selling them.

Personally, I'd make a decision never to enter into any money arrangement of any kind with them again, and then see how long they remain friends.