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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 30/01/2019 17:05

I know you don't want to rock the boat but you are pandaing to her and BIL but keep bending over backwards.

You know you need to do it and I wish you luck. You will feel really empowered once you do

User292494333 · 30/01/2019 17:08

I have read the thread so maybe a I’ve missed it. How do they actually fund not working? You mention a compensation claim, a loan shark, and a second compensation claim they are hoping to receive. Presumably your BIL doesn’t qualify for benefits if he is voluntarily unemployed.

If this is true, your DH’s lack of reaction to BIL’s ‘lifestyle unemployment’ which you are partially funding; AND the regular presence of a loan shark in their lives, is astounding.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/01/2019 17:09

Yes. It's quite unbelievable, isn't it.

SecretMillionaire · 30/01/2019 17:12

The thread has given you what you needed. You are a good person and it’s not nice to think that your friend would take advantage of you especially as you are family as well. There is nothing wrong with being generous and caring about your family. You just need to be in control of the level of generosity yourself.

Yulebealrite · 30/01/2019 17:18

Make it known before you do anything that they will be paying their fair share then ask if they'd like to do something cheaper. Cut the presents to one reasonably priced xmas and birthday gift.

When accused of being mean "Yes DH is being a bit more careful with money due to overspending in the past" tinkly laugh.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 30/01/2019 17:20

Surely they won't be able to afford the holiday anyway? How on earth will they get a loan when they have no income?

User292494333 · 30/01/2019 17:25

ralph OP mentions ‘a man who comes round on a Wednesday’ who loans money.

Original poster
Fabaunt · 30/01/2019 17:27

They are on benefits, he’s unemployed, can’t get a job in his area of work where he’s living, doesn’t have the money to move closer to the city, won’t commute long distance. He reckons with her being out sick they’d be worse off financially if he worked full time.

They have a credit card; for emergencies that she puts her hair or shoes on and he gets angry. They make payments off that.

They take loans from the guy who calls for his money back, it’s kind of like Providence but less paper work I think.

They get by ok. Council housed them, they don’t have a lot of money. In the past if we went shopping and she saw something she really liked I might pick it up.

After baby boy 1 was born she was very upset she had no clothes to fit her and I gave her £200 to get some tops and stuff. She bought an iPhone 6, didn’t buy clothes. I remember being so angry I vowed I would never pander to her like that again but I guess I have. Just in different ways I didn’t realise.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 30/01/2019 17:37

My god she's playing you like a fiddle.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 30/01/2019 17:43

There’s so may things to be shocked by with this cheeky fuckery.
But one quick question... this whole “last holiday without kids” gatecrashing your honeymoon thing. I’m confused. They have kids though?! Which poor sod is getting them dumped on them for all this? ;)

craftylala · 30/01/2019 17:44

They are totally taking the p, you can see that, right? Your taxes are also paying their benefits . The compensation thing is looking like a scam. Jeremy Kyle territory. Tell them straight and run away if they will not change ( which they probably won’t).

Holidayshopping · 30/01/2019 17:45

I remember being so angry I vowed I would never pander to her like that again but I guess I have.

Again and again, by the sounds of it.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 30/01/2019 17:55

If you don't say something soon, I fear you may end up blowing up at her in the future. If things are left to fester, there is more chance of you saying things that can't be taken back.

Have a conversation with them as to what you want for YOUR wedding and YOUR honeymoon.

If she wants her children at the wedding and you feel that you've already made that promise, put your foot down that she is to look after them; and any arrangements with her parents are hers to make, but you won't be asking them to attend your wedding and certainly won't be paying for them.

Be strong, it will definitely help.in the future.

DeniseRoyal · 30/01/2019 17:56

They both sound like horrible people! I know they are family as well as 'friends' but I would start to back off from them. And I would stop all financial help and paying for things. You are funding a lifestyle for them that they can't afford AND they are ungracious about it it. Cheeky fuckery at its best!!

BumbleBeee69 · 30/01/2019 17:58

OP I think you and your Husband should just hand over the keys to your life to your friend and BIL. They've taken most of it anyway, and you've said nothing. Hmm

Maryjoyce · 30/01/2019 18:04

So it sounds like they are fraudulent claiming to cover there lifestyle let’s hope that this gets noticed as it’s people likevthat that out all our policies up.

HopeGarden · 30/01/2019 18:05

Good luck discussing things with them when you see them at the weekend. However you decide to handle it, I’d advise making sure you and your DP are in agreement so you’re presenting a united front. No point you telling your friend No to things if DP will carry on as before and vice versa.

Be prepared for them to take it badly, sounds like they’ve got used to you & DP subsiding their lifestyle, and it’s unlikely they’ll readily admit how unfairly they’ve been behaving.

dimsum123 · 30/01/2019 18:06

You can only be used by another person if you allow it. You presumably have been paying for things because she's your 'friend' and you care about her. But a friendship is reciprocal. This one is clearly give on your part and take on hers.

She's not your friend unfortunately. It's your choice whether you wish to continue with this dysfunctional relationship.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2019 18:07

I will see them both at the weekend and we will have to discuss what’s going on, and where we go from here.

There's nothing to 'discuss'..

He may be your DP's only family, but so what? Family that treat you that way don't deserve the title. And she's no friend.

If you 'discuss' nothing will change.

FrancisCrawford · 30/01/2019 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theflying19 · 30/01/2019 18:16

It seems to me that this is all about boundaties. They may not have any, but you are perfectly reasonable to put in place boundaries to protect yourself and dh from unreasonable people, toxic people, abusive people, and people who mess with your mind. Boundaries are good. Whether you sre upfront with them about their behaviour or not, you can set immediate boundaries in place.Could be that you don't see them, go totally nc, or just decide to not ever get drawn into doing anything with them that costs £ (game of cards anyone?).

HisBetterHalf · 30/01/2019 18:20

hE DOESN T WORK COS HE IS ON A DIET? pAIR OF cf!!!

FrancisCrawford · 30/01/2019 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueJava · 30/01/2019 18:26

I think you really need to distance yourselves... and it's your honeymoon. Who joins anyone on their honeymoon?! just no. Sorry but you have to tell her it's a No! for the holiday and create some distance from them.

dimsum123 · 30/01/2019 18:28

Re honeymoon ”No, don't want you there." No further explanation needed but a smile doesn't cost anything so you could throw one in for free whilst you say the above.