To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

You clearly want to try and do it all gently.

How about tackling things one at a time. Go round with the shoes you've bought for her as your bridesmaid, go in all excited, hey I can't wait to show you etc. etc. If she mentions leboutins laugh and say 'I'm sorry do you have any idea how much this wedding is costing us? I can't afford that, besides its my wedding and I thought these would look amazing with your dress.'

Then calmly say, look I need to chat about the holiday, you know we love spending time with you but its our honeymoon and I don't want to have to put my clothes back on to come and spend time with you. Why don't you guys go and have a romantic break away just the 2 of you, we could maybe help out with the kids when we get back.

Everything else, doesn't really need direct confrontation, other than maybe the kids/parents at wedding but you could claim no room. You will start to be experts at preempting how to avoid paying for everything.

You have already agreed to let the children come so I would just say no to her parents coming. Her parents can collect the kids after the church, or any time.
As for the honeymoon, from your screen grabs it seems like you joke around about it with her. So instead of doing joking about it just be honest and say 'you are aware that there is no way you are coming on our honeymoon with us.'

I don’t want her kids there. We were told to fuck off, our nephews weren’t being excluded. It wasn’t worth the argument. She’s assumed they’d be page boys, so we’ve got their suits.

You've agreed to have the kids there now, bought their suits... can't really go back on it now but draw the line at them.
If they insist on their inlaws coming, say look either the kids come on their own [no inlaws] or not at all if its easier for inlaws.
The wedding was already no kids. We've already made an exception and added extra guests, we will not be adding any further guests.
Take it or leave it.

You need to start being short with her and saying what you mean.

Would not worry about 'upsetting' friend because she is clearly never worried about upsetting you.

She is not your friend, I'm sorry...
You deserve so much better.
Focus on the friends who appreciate you. x

You were told to fuck off? About your own wedding? They would have been told to fuck right off to the moon, and stay there, if it were me.
"It wasn't worth the argument." She knew that is your approach to everything as you are a walk over.

"She’s assumed they’d be page boys, so we’ve got their suits."
Face-desk. She really has you doing their bidding doesn't she? She says jump, you say how high. Maybe it's just my direct nature (due to previously being taken advantage of like are at the moment) but I would have made damn sure she knew that her assumption was damn wrong. I don't care if it causes a rift, I'd make damn sure I knew what they were doing and they would no longer get away with it. If your DP's brother couldn't accept it and see that he was in the wrong, well my DP would just walk away from him. Gone NC. End of story. Sad and maybe extreme, but you don't need toxic people like that in your life. It is not your job to enable their behaviour. Sometimes you are better off without relatives like that in your lives at all. You can always re-connect with your nephews later on in around 10 years time when they aren't at home.

You either accept that behaviour, encourage it as you are by getting them suits, or you put your foot down once and for all. But this has been going on for so long, by the sounds of it, I don't think you will ever be able to get the strength, you will always be a doormat and what's worse, you will encourage your own nephews to think their behaviour is ok by continually bending down and kissing their parents bums. I just don't understand how you can possibly live your lives like this; you've debased yourselves and seem to have no self-respect. Behaviour which you describe would have been nipped in the bud a decade ago if it were me, and others on here. Bad behaviour is encouraged by you, and thus being handed down to your nephews as an example that it is ok to use people like that. You really need to stop their CFery or you will be owned and used by them forever. I just don't understand why you would have let them get away with treating you like shit like this. They are making your lives a misery and you are just letting them do it.

She’s assumed they’d be page boys, so we’ve got their suits

I’m starting to hope this is a wind up @fabaunt

Really

Are you scared of her? What do you think she would do if you said no to her demands?

It wasn’t worth the argument.

Oh come on now. What is going to be worth the argument? Having your honeymoon alone without having to payfor them coming too?

It's actually kind of hilarious how little you've stood up for yourselves: they're walking all over you and spending your money to do it. Just stop!

And I can't imagine telling my husband I'm quitting my job because I need all those hours to go to the gym to get slimmer and fitter and plan my meals properly. I'm sure that would be a lifestyle choice the government would be more than happy to support for me. Not.

Something doesn't add up with why he's not working. And frankly, there's no reason she can't work either She just doesn't want to.

Stop funding them. Stop paying for things. Tell them they can't go on your honeymoon with you. And tell them you'll have your nephews at the ceremony only, and then someone will have to collect them or they can all leave, as they're not invited to the REception. Adults only. It's your wedding, you get to decide how it goes.

Frankly, if they announce they're not coming, that would probably be a blessing.

It’s very hard to argue with an upset parent about boys we both idolize, when she thinks we don’t want them to celebrate our day. In the moment, I felt like a shitty friend, a shitty auntie and a shitty person. The boys ARE family so why are they being excluded from our special day? It’s a valid question. Both her and her husband are in the wedding party, she assumed the boys were too. So well as telling her I didn’t want them at the wedding, now I had to tell her I didn’t want them in the wedding party, when it makes no real difference to my day but means the world to her boys?

I told her that I didn’t want kids because wanted adults to enjoy themselves and not have to worry about kids but she said she’d enjoy herself more if they were there. That it would be no problem she could manage them and being bridesmaid. Now a year later she assumes her parents are coming. Our venue is 1.5hrs away from where we live. So it wouldn’t suit her parents to just pick them up. But you’re right. I need to put a stop to this

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster

Are you scared of her? What do you think she would do if you said no to her demands?

I’m not scared of her but don’t want to break up my DPs family, or isolate him from his nephews

FWIW she may very well turn on you, call you all the names under the sun, cut you off.

That is HER DECISION. Sure it may mean a rift in the family and those are sad but it would not be your fault! You can not prevent what is inevitable as they will ask for more and at some point you won’t have the option to stop, you’ll have to.

it makes no real difference to my day but means the world to her boys?

It doesn’t. Minecraft and Go Jetters probably mean the “world” to her boys rather than being at a wedding.

Just be like look, you insisted your kids were there and it would be no problem, you'd enjoy yourself more etc... now you're saying your parents have to be invited too?

Just no, absolutely not.

This is why we said no kids.
It's an adult party and it's OUR wedding.

Just no no no no.

Ugh this makes me so angry for you OP.

I hate that your being taken advantage of!!

When was it brought up about her parents coming? And what did you say?

Grandparents bring them to the wedding and photos and then take them home after.
That's your compromise

So basically she says what she wants to happen. You agree and then are aggrieved that you end up doing what she wants.
At this rate, they will come on your honeymoon.
Either decide what you want and communicate that or put up and shut up about being treated like the clown you are.

It doesn't mean the world to the 2 year old for sure, so that's bollocks.

I don't even believe this is true, what a frustrating read.

Ok this could work....
Tell your friend that your honeymoon is a private holiday and you know she would never gate crash it,.

What about you both plan something for 6 months afterwards.... Which means you both have time to save to go.....that you have had to budget for the wedding and can't afford to have her parents as guests.... That you have gone all inclusive to cut the honeymoon costs and that your not doing any dinners out in the near future to ensure you have some spending money for extras on your honeymoon, but even then are doing it on the cheap....
So you know she will respect your wish to not find she has booked the same trip as your honeymoon....

Do you know what, go ahead and have her kids at the wedding, have her parents, and while your at it invite her cousins and all her neighbours because at the end of the day until you learn to stand up to this bullying bitch you are just going to let her walk all over you. Why not buy her the shoes she wants now too, maybe a couple of different styles so she can decide on the day which ones she wants to wear. And let her and her parents, and whoever else she decides to invite, sit back and enjoy your wedding day while you run around after her kids. Or yourself and your dp could grow a bloody backbone now, and keep telling her to fuck off with her demands until the thick bitch gets the message.

And stop buying gifts for her kids and your friends kids. Save your money for your own children down the line if you chose to have them, as guaranteed you'll be sorely disappointed when your years of generosity to these other people is not reciprocated.

Your friend has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. Who on earth would think they can dictate terms at someone else’s wedding and gatecrash the honeymoon?

These boys that you idolise are going to learn that this is the way you treat fabaunt and uncle. If you have children it will extend to them too and they are going to be dominated by their cousins in they way you are dominated by the whim of your friend/sister in law because you have proven repeatedly you won’t stand your ground. Put some boundaries in place and risk a fall out if you have to. They need you a damn sight more than you need them and perhaps without you enabling this indulgent behaviour they may come into the real world with everyone else that little bit quicker.

Hope you're OK OP and this thread isn't winding you up more, If it is step away for a while.

I think that writing it all down has given you a new perspective so you may need to chill out for a couple of days so you can have any conversations you need to with a calm and controlled head.

Good luck and I hope you're able to do what you need to.

"Now neither of them have time to work."

Fabaunt, have you really bought this? Really, really?

With every post, the situation gets worse. Please, go back to the beginning and read everything you have posted on this thread. Particularly "You know I have rarely thought about it all written down."

Your frenemy and her workshy husband are playing you and your fiancé. Massively. Wake up and smell the coffee! You and your fiancé need to sit down together and DISCUSS how you are being exploited and what you are going to do about it. Because this is unhealthy.

Thanks billybagpus, and everyone who has taken the time to reply to the thread.
When I read it back, it reads like a weak person with no backbone but I wouldn’t describe myself usually like that. (I’m not denying that’s how I come across). I just genuinely didn’t even realize it was as bad as it reads back, that is certainly an eye opener. I will see them both at the weekend and we will have to discuss what’s going on, and where we go from here.

It is hurtful but true to realize that my kids will never be as important as her kids, that’s been proven already. Time to put on my big girl pants and start defending my family; not hers.

“Now they don’t have time to work” was me being sarcastic to him being unemployed, and her I guess. Not an excuse they used. That’s my words.

He has half heartedly talked about going back to college to get a better job and she has encouraged that but it would mean him moving to another city and she is not keen to move away so I doubt it’ll be ever anymore than a fantasy for them.

Wow wow wow

I know some people seem to be a bit harsh but I think you need to see it. They are massively taking the piss. It won’t be easy but unless you want them to carry on then are you absolutely have to say something.

They are never going to change (unless for the worse). Why should they. They say jump, you say how high.

How on earth do they afford day to day living. There’s only so many loans you can take out. They need to be paid back at some point.

And I know 2 people with fibromyalgia, they both work.