To ask how much childcare your partners REALLY do?

[Lipsticktraces]

Because I’m not sure if AIBU or not...

We have five month old twins. They are ebf so I do all the night wakings. They are up around five times a night between them at the moment. I’m almost hallucinating with tiredness!

DH never wakes up before me to do morning nappies etc. He says he will but it happens about once every blood moon. For example this morning my DD woke up first so I took her downstairs to feed/change as I was getting my breakfast. I’ve had about three hours sleep so not in my best frame of mind.

I hear DS making noises upstsirs. These get progressively louder and after ten minutes I go upstairs to check him. He’s awake in his cot and DH hasn’t so much as rolled over to check him. His excuse? “He thought I was in the room” So I end up changing DS as well and taking him down to feed him after a few choice words with DH. He isn’t lazy but apparently I am?

He’s at work 10 until 10 today and he’s still in bed. He’s done bugger all for these babies this morning and they’ll be in bed when he gets in. I’ve told him he’s a rubbish father and should be ashamed of himself.

I’m at my wits end!

My DH was a full time unit student working part time every Saturday, Sunday and holidays until DC1 was 2 years old. Still managed to settle baby (she was a very unhappy baby) and did a bottle feed every night about 11 and cuddled DD while I got a longer stretch of sleep. Still managed to get a first in his degree. I wouldn't have expected any less to be honest.

My DB has twins. They did all nights 50/50 and now each work 4 days a week so they do a day each of childcare on their own.

Your DH is a waste of space.

My exh did nothing for my DD. He still doesn't do anything noe- hasn't even seen his daughter for 7 months

You need to nip this in the bud now.

Not only is he being a lazy parent and unsupportive partner, if it carries on he will never learn to parent, you will continue doing everything, resentment will build and a year or three down the line you’ll have lost all respect for him and will either end up miserable or single. It’s a well trodden path.

My husband and I took the view that while he was at work my job was looking after the (single!!) baby. If I managed some laundry and cleaning then that was a bonus. Then when we were both home we split things 50:50, usually one of us doing childcare while the other did chores until everything was done, then we had pretty equal family/leisure time when everything was done. Saturday lie in for me, Sunday lie in for him. While I was EBF he did more housework, when I got all touched out by too much baby time I did more housework. We have become closer as a result, I feel like we’re a good team. Not always smooth of course (sleep deprivation polarises everything) but that sense of general support and kindness is there.

You need to sit down and talk. Don’t let this fester and grow. You have twin babies and must be exhausted, I found it hard enough with one. You also need to take the fuse out of the PlayStation!!

Also - you’ve ebf twins to five months? That’s bloody incredible, well done you!

Weaning soon which will help, no excuse for him to not help during feeding times. And hopefully they’ll be up in the night less once they’re on solids which will mean more sleep for you too.

It hasn’t been easy. Twins were premature and spent first five weeks in NICU. We’ve had a rough ride

Sorry you had to go through that. Well done for coming out the other side.

One thought is, dads can be forgotten through all that. NNICU aren't great at including them and he might well have some issues he needs to work through. I'm guessing you were there every day and he was not. Did he use up all his PL during that time?

You need to have a proper chat about how this has affected you both. Bliss have some really good resources.

Agree with mrlion you’ve done so well to get this far without help, you’re a champ! Friends of mine who have had twins have needed (and received) every little bit of support available, my two close friends with twins literally had one other adult with them at almost all times for the first few months dad/MIL/DM/aunties to do the tag teaming for feeds and changes etc. The fact that you’ve done it almost alone for five months is miraculous. Channel that strength and skill into telling him to shape up or ship out. He’s useless.

So I'm in a similar situation and was about to post asking for advice then i saw your post...Im not glad I'm not alone but it helps knowing Im not crazy... something is wrong...

my baby donor(I won't give him the respectable title of father until he earns it) has recently added going for a beer with work mates on friday...on top of the other nothing's he do(way worst then your guy OP)

I'm in a new country so no fam/friends, no job/savings, no car, not even a damn winter coat to go for a walk... I feel abused but I'm not sure how to call it(like gaslighting)...

I'm so ashamed I knew it was going to be like this and tried avoiding at every cost, I feel bamboozled into motherhood (I even asked for an abortion or adoption)

I proved sleep deprivation is real last week, I had a massive breakdown dishes were thrown, insults hurled to the top of my lungs, police were called and I thought for a second maybe going to jail would be worth the vacation time...
his verbal reply"I'm sorry I'll do better" his physical reply CAME HOME YESTERDAY REEKING OF DRINK, almost like to dare me to say something....

everyday im thinking about cleaning out the bank account and going to my home country...

U not alone OP sadly, so if u wanna work out a master plan of divorce or something along revenge i got a few devious ideas(set off alarms under his pillow, dirty nappys where he keeps his playstation,etc)...

whatever u do dont forget your babies need u more than him so get help and it helps if u act like he isn't even there already (like silent treatment etc) because u can only talk soooo much before u realize the piss is being taken.

Also try to watch funny videos to keep your smile bright-babies can sense stress and result in more wakings/unsettled times.

He still manages to leave most things to the woman. Which is quite an achievement albeit a terrible one.

Keep your sense of humor OP
even in the eye of the storm...
And talk as much as u can to others to get out of your own head.
Writing this post helped I bet(especially reading some of the replies), try writing him maybe text him while he's at work so he know what your feeling and going thru AS he sits on his butt at "work"... try to get in his head, make him understand