To ask how much childcare your partners REALLY do?

[Lipsticktraces]

Because I’m not sure if AIBU or not...

We have five month old twins. They are ebf so I do all the night wakings. They are up around five times a night between them at the moment. I’m almost hallucinating with tiredness!

DH never wakes up before me to do morning nappies etc. He says he will but it happens about once every blood moon. For example this morning my DD woke up first so I took her downstairs to feed/change as I was getting my breakfast. I’ve had about three hours sleep so not in my best frame of mind.

I hear DS making noises upstsirs. These get progressively louder and after ten minutes I go upstairs to check him. He’s awake in his cot and DH hasn’t so much as rolled over to check him. His excuse? “He thought I was in the room” So I end up changing DS as well and taking him down to feed him after a few choice words with DH. He isn’t lazy but apparently I am?

He’s at work 10 until 10 today and he’s still in bed. He’s done bugger all for these babies this morning and they’ll be in bed when he gets in. I’ve told him he’s a rubbish father and should be ashamed of himself.

I’m at my wits end!

I can't believe this guy has twins and gets a full night sleep with no parenting duties in exchange for a twelve hour shift. How has he wrangled living the life of a singleton?

We didn't have twins but we had a child with colic who was up hourly for about six months. We took shifts. Dh took wakings till midnight and I took the wakings after that.

This didn't result in sunshine and rainbows though. We were still shitty with each other when the tiredness hit its peak but we has enough sleep to function.

I don't know how you are managing tbh

Any redeeming features op? What does he bring to your life?

Not much atm @aretheyanyleftatall We have a few days where it’s OK and then he just pisses me off again!

Oh OP that sucks... how would you feel about showing him this thread? Insults from yourself included :)

Basically he isn’t a parent. We had DT’s. They were ff and DH did the night feeds with me. We worked out that we would both get more sleep if we fed one each, one nappy each and settled one each. Neither of the DT’s were good sleepers but there was no way I could have managed on my own at night. DH then went to work as an A&E doctor.

Your DH needs to step up fast!

There have been times where I have absolutely HATED my partner during the past 5 months since our LO arrived however he is extremely hands on and helpful and very very considerate towards me and my health / tiredness etc so I can’t imagine how you are reframing from not either kicking him out or murdering him.
It is NOT OK to leave all this work to you, I disagree with the night wakings, I wonder how many pps commenting are actually waking 5 times a night with twins - this is not the usual. During the first 3 months I did the majority of the night wakes because bf works very long days however when we hit the sleep regression he simply had to help me because I was beyond exhaustion, I was on the edge of a breakdown.
He has to help you, he has to learn, you cannot just keep doing the work because he acts like he’s bloody incompetent!
Why do people make excuses because partners have to work during the day??? You’re working during the day and the bloody night too.
Unacceptable. Get him told - shape up or get out. You’re living almost as a single parent already.
Honestly I’d be packing his bag. Absolutely disgraceful behaviour on his part

OP we have a baby of a similar age (hats off to you for managing twins, you are a super woman!)

My OH comes home from work at 6 and is in charge from 8-11, once we have juggled the baby and had dinner (separately 😂)

I do two bottles for the 9 and 11pm feeds so I really can just leave him to it.

Before he leaves for work at 7 he brings me breakfast, feeds the dog and changes the first nappy.

I am EBF too and understandably we have to do the main bulk of the feeding but you MUST recharge some time.

I would pick a moment that’s not in the middle of the night and set the rules then try to stick to them. I know it’s hard but if you continue to go up when he isn’t responding then he will continue to not respond.

For context, DW is a nurse. Works my fairly autonomously, consultations on her own, minor procedures etc. When DS was a baby and EBF I did night wakings, but anything after 5am ish, she would get up, change, feed expressed milk etc, leaving me to sleep for a bit. I’d get up at 7 to express, she would get ready, make herself lunch (and make a sandwich for me to leave in the fridge).

Having a job does not mean you need uninterrupted sleep. Most adults can function perfectly well on far less than 8 hours.

He’s a dick

Oh and when she can home from work she’s take over then too. I’d still tidy, make a start on dinner etc but it gave me a break from an incredibly clingy baby

I'm breastfeeding my 7m old who us up about 300 times a night, my husband is a farmer and he's currently working 6am til 6pm. He helps where he can, he'll get up during the night if our 3yo wakes (maybe 2/3 times a week) and at 6pm he comes and takes the baby while I make dinner, and then he does Dd1s bedtime routine after dinner then has the baby while I get ready for bed. Basically if he's in the houses he's got a child. He'll also come take dd1 out to work with him a few afternoons a week if he can

He’s gotten up. Dressed himself and is now making himself beans on toast.

DH wasn’t brilliant at night wakings but I was BFing so it was pointless. He did do a couple of EBF feeds when I just needed to sleep but it was too stressful for me to listen to her crying whilst he prepped the milk.

Apart from night stuff, he was a 50/50 - and still is. That’s what couples do. However, I wouldn’t have married him if he was the type not to pull his weight around the house.

He is absolutely out of order, and currently being a shit dad and partner. Sorry but there’s no fancy way of saying that. The worst of this is the fact that he’s allowing you to tip over the edge by not supporting you, and you’re having no rest at all really. Secondly, he’s not bonding with his children, which to me is seriously failing as a parent, the lack of effort to bond is shocking. My husband cottoned on to that pretty quickly, that the mundane stuff is actually a part of bonding. The changing, winding, rocking, dressing and feeding - they’re not just boring ‘chores’, they’re an integral part of being a parent and those re the moments you bond with your baby. Twins require way more support than a single baby, and you’re not even getting that level! He’s a dick.

He’ll be going out to work in a minute. No offer to help me to dress them to take them to their baby group. Nothing!

We have one DS so it’s a bit different. It varies day to day, depending on work schedules and stuff. If he was working a 12 hour shift I probably wouldn’t expect a great deal but I only have one baby to care for! DH usually goes to work early (4-5) so we’re still asleep. He does a training session immediately after work and then cycles home for about 5. He then takes the baby for an hour so I can train or have a bath, and he does a whole load of housework, possibly cooks dinner. I usually get DS ready for bed whilst he feeds the animals, does the washing up, hangs out washing etc. Whilst sometimes I wish he’d do a bit more of the childcare stuff (and we do swap jobs a couple of times per week I’d say), he’s way quicker at housework than I am and it means I don’t have to go outside to sort out rabbits and chickens in the cold! Weekends he does most of the nappy changes and takes DS for a couple of hours both days (the rest of the time we muck in together really) so I can go for a run or whatever.

Sell the PlayStation and use the money on support for yourself. I would also seriously think about if life would be easier divorced. If you have supportive family, could you go there for a break?

Hi Op, I also EBF my twins who are now 1! It is hard and it sounds like you're doing amazingly. As for your DH..
my DH always helps with night wakings. They don't feed in the night any more but when they did he would often bring them to me/ take them back to their cots to resettle. Now days I tend to do more of the night wakings which normally just involves resettling and he gets up with them most mornings so I can sleep. In short, we share everything when he is home! As I think it should be. He understands that looking after two babies all day is very hard work, and says himself he has it easy going to the office (he enjoys his job and it is desk based)

So no you are definitely not BU!! Your DH needs to step up and start pulling his weight!

Someone posted this on another thread and I think it’s relevant here.

Either looking after 5 min twins is hard work, in which case the person doing it FT needs sleep and breaks.

Or it’s easy, in which case their father can easily do it before and after work and on his days off.

my husband does more than 50/50 - i work full time and he works full time from home. He does all the morning/breakfast/school runs (except fridays when i work from home) and he has always done the middle of the night wake-ups (if any) On the weekends - i make sure he gets a lie in until about 10am (he is up at half 6 every morning) and on sunday he sleeps till about 9am. Your DH sounds useless (sorry) and he needs to realise that you are struggling. 3 hours sleep is not enough, expecially with two little babies.

Basically he's behaving as if he doesn't have children at all. Pulling his weight is not 'helping' or 'childcare'.

@lipsticktraces do you think he knows he’s a slacker or do you think it’s going to take you throwing his beans on toast down his shirt? Seriously is it ignorance?

Our youngest is one (but wakes several times at night) and my husband takes the baby from 6am and gives him breakfast so that I can sleep. He leaves for work at lunchtime when he works a late shift.

Wrt to gaming time , when he's on an early shift my husband grabs an hour in the evening while I do the baby's bedtime routine. He's never up later than 9 on his computer.

Your partner is taking the piss. I do hope you can get through to him and grab a few hours sleep.

We have twins. At that age, my husband would get up in the morning and make me breakfast, take them down with him so I could get a little more sleep then in the evening I would go to bed early and that was his shift. He would do the dream feed at 10pm so
I could sleep on.
Twins are exhausting, especially as you are ebf. You need him to pull his weight xx

Op your husband is taking the piss. Could you leave the twins with him for 24 hours? Might make him see how hard it is. I honestly don’t think partners who go out to work often realise how tough it is looking after babies.

My husband is exceptionally good with the baby. He gets up and takes him at 6.30/7am and lets me sleep for an hour or so before work. If he’s home he will also bathe him. He also does night shifts on Friday and Saturday. However, even he doesn’t really think that it’s that hard. He sees me at home and thinks all I do is go for coffee and watch countdown. Doesn’t appreciate I’m on my feet 24/7 and the reason I go out for coffee is to save my sanity! What has helped is leaving g him with the baby for half a day at the weekend when he’s done the night shift. That brings it home.

I hope his mum is supportivez my mil thinks it’s rediculous I make oh do any night shifts. He once went to a conference for five days (staying in a hotel so five whole nights uninterrupted sleep) and she was shocked that I was making him do the night shift when he came back as ‘he’d be do tired’! I’d been looking after a 3 month old solo for five days!

I'm a SAHM and my husband works 12 hr shifts for the NHS in a position of responsibility and pressure but he still helps put a lot even when hes at work. I do the night feeds as our daughter is breastfed but he will put her to bed when he gets back from work... he also will read our toddler a story if hes still awake which he is sometimes, and he also cooks me and him dinner. On his days off he will get up with the toddler and make toddler breakfast so I can have a couple of hours lie in after having been up with the baby... he also usually brings me tea and toast in bed. He never really sleeps past 8 unless on holiday because he gets all the unbroken sleep as I sleep with the baby.
He is also doing a masters but will still always take the children out for a few hours on his days off and watch them if I ask because I need to do something.... so actually he does loads.

I think your dg is being a massive twat.... especially with the playstation.... if hes got time to do that hes got time to help you!!!