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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how much childcare your partners REALLY do?

159 replies

Lipsticktraces · 29/01/2019 08:34

Because I’m not sure if AIBU or not...

We have five month old twins. They are ebf so I do all the night wakings. They are up around five times a night between them at the moment. I’m almost hallucinating with tiredness!

DH never wakes up before me to do morning nappies etc. He says he will but it happens about once every blood moon. For example this morning my DD woke up first so I took her downstairs to feed/change as I was getting my breakfast. I’ve had about three hours sleep so not in my best frame of mind.

I hear DS making noises upstsirs. These get progressively louder and after ten minutes I go upstairs to check him. He’s awake in his cot and DH hasn’t so much as rolled over to check him. His excuse? “He thought I was in the room”Hmm So I end up changing DS as well and taking him down to feed him after a few choice words with DH. He isn’t lazy but apparently I am?Angry

He’s at work 10 until 10 today and he’s still in bed. He’s done bugger all for these babies this morning and they’ll be in bed when he gets in. I’ve told him he’s a rubbish father and should be ashamed of himself.

I’m at my wits end!

OP posts:
aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 19:36

i don't get why a dad wouldn't want to do his share.

Because they don't see it as their job, didn't want a kid(s) and didn't bother to get the snip or use condoms, feel entitled because they work, etc

Youngandfree · 29/01/2019 19:39

To be honest my husband was and still is amazing although he does go away for 3 weeks at a time for work (and is then home for three weeks) when he was home he would wake and change napped at night after I did the feed. He would often and still does (DC are 3 and 6) get up with them and leave me sleep for an extra few mins. He does the morning routine with DC and I get to work earlier when he is home. But when they were babies he did lots! I think you need to sit with hubby and meet in the middle!!

puguin86 · 29/01/2019 19:44

Hi Op. I have twins they are hard.my DH was a useless shit when they were born. Probably for the first tear. Then I left ( not without the twins obvs ). I pointed out if I could just do it all myself I didn't really need him.

Only at that point did he pull his finger out his arse. He does more now they are older.

I'm sorry things are so hard x

Rhodes2015again · 29/01/2019 19:49

Mine does fuck all
He literally had a lie in himself on mother’s day.
Never got up with dd, changes no nappies, does nothing with her cus he gets stressed.
18months in and resentment has set in really bad.
Hate that someone who’s meant to love me will rather see me struggle than get off his own arse.
I was embarrassed to tell my friends and family how shit he was at first. I tell everyone now. It’s no reflection on me. I’ve told him and it’s fallen on deaf ears. It feel like a matter of time before we split. I just need to get dd to an age where I think he can manage her so he’ll hopefully actually bother to see her.

MoominAnna · 29/01/2019 19:50

These threads make for such horrible reading. I'm sorry OP. I'd give him an ultimatum and in a month if he isn't better I'd say get rid. The resentment will eat you alive otherwise. I feel furious and antsy jyst reading your posts.

Rhodes2015again · 29/01/2019 19:52

Sorry op that was a very self indulgent post from me! I’m sorry things are hard. Twins and an older ds must be exhausting when your practically doing it yourself on limited sleep. Obviously I haven’t got any advice. Really hope things improve for you x

tor8181 · 29/01/2019 20:00

my partner/their dad has and is still is amazing and he has been from their birth,he did half of everything and still to this day(boys are 14 and 8)

we used cloth nappies from day 1 and fed when the baby wanted(with youngest 11oz every hour and half) and he did everything just as much as i did,cant says about nights as babies co sleeps and rarely woke up as i used to dream fed every few hours but if they did he would make the bottle/get new nappy and i would do it in bed

boys are disabled are are a 24 hour job and both are us are official cares to a child

he does more than me as he does the housework and is the driver

DameSylvieKrin · 29/01/2019 20:01

While my wife was on maternity leave I would get up when the baby did (about 6) and leave my wife to sleep as long as I could.
I then worked at a high pressure, high profile job. I was the most productive in the department that year despite never doing a minute of overtime.
I did all the life admin/mental load type stuff as dw doesn’t speak the local language.
I got home, put baby in sling if not feeding, made dinner and wife’s lunch for next day. When dw was feeding baby to sleep, I did the most urgent cleaning/tidying/laundry.
Once the baby went to sleep I would sit in the room with the baby (it was the only way we could keep her asleep) while my wife had dinner and a shower.
Then we would both go to bed asap, usually about 9 but often earlier.
When the baby woke up we would watch a film together using headphones while she fed, to make up for going to bed so early.
If the baby was full but woke up on putdown I would walk up and down with her until she fell asleep.
If she wouldn’t sleep alone at all we would alternate three hour shifts of holding her while she slept.
The only time I slacked off was when the baby was 4 months old and I was pregnant and had that first trimester tiredness, somehow I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I still feel very guilty about that.

Ragwort · 29/01/2019 20:06

This is so sad, Did your DH want children as much as you did?

My DH was much keener to have a child than I was and he is a fabulous dad to our DS, I was a SAHM for years but he was always up with our DS so they spent time together before he went to work (& I used the time to do a 4 mile walk most mornings), he spent time with DS every evening, loved doing bath & bed time, took him out at weekends to give me free time & because he WANTED to be with his own child.

I feel desperately sad for you but hard to know what to suggest but a first step would be to get rid of the PS.

whatsnewchoochoo · 29/01/2019 20:19

Sorry but this is making me really angry on your behalf.

Get your mum over to have the babies for 30 mins. Sit him down and tell him you're kicking him out unless he changes right now. He is absolutely taking the piss!

We have one DS - at 5 months DH returned home from work, tidied the house, took DS while I cooked and then had him 9-12 while I slept. DS was also EBF so I took him 12-6 and DH took him back 6-9 while I slept. How you are managing two on your own is mind blowing to me!

blackteasplease · 29/01/2019 20:21

My awful exh always appeared to adore kids and wanted them more than me. From when we first met he said he wanted six (now I know why - he planned to do nothing with them!). He was a lovely uncle to his nephew and niece and I foolishly assumed he would be a good dad - I didn't realise being an uncle is just the fun bits! But he was so considerate of his sister and the kids needs when we saw them Hmm

Yes I had dc2 with him so only myself to blame for that. But I could neverwish ds not here so I have to think it was the right decision.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 29/01/2019 20:42

@Ragwort he said he wanted them as much as me. It took us four years and IVF to have them. It was definitely a very thought out thing.

He’s been depressed recently. Says he worries about not earning enough money, doesn’t know how to be a good dad etc. He says he loves us all but he’s unhappy. I try to be supportive but it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to hear him say it.
It hasn’t been easy. Twins were premature and spent first five weeks in NICU. We’ve had a rough rideSad

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 29/01/2019 20:58

Him being "unhappy" doesn't make it ok for him to ignore his babies and let you take all the strain.

Abcdefghii · 29/01/2019 21:13

My DP works 12 hour night shifts (8pm until 8am) 5 nights per week. He makes DS his breakfast every morning when he gets in as DS sleeps until around 9ish. I get to shower / tidy up whilst he entertains DS before he goes to bed himself at 10am(ish)

On his days off he's very hands on with nappy changes, meals, baths etc. He will get up with DS in the night if he wakes so I get a break (currently heavily pregnant)

In the early days we split the night feeds (on nights he was at home) and on nights he was working he'd take baby for a couple of hours in the morning so I could catch up on some sleep.

I'd be positively furious if he behaved like your DH. He's absolutely not doing enough.

You must be so exhausted it's simply not good enough on his part Flowers

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2019 07:42

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but cooking with your baby in a sling is extremely dangerous 😱

LannieDuck · 30/01/2019 08:33

This is why parental leave is so important. I can't understand why so few couples take it up.

Give the last 3 months of mat leave (where mum's not getting paid anymore anyway) to the dad. Leave him to it for 3 months while mum goes back to work slightly earlier. It's the only way for dads to realise how much hard work it is.

I certainly had no idea before I had a baby. I imagined it would be really easy during the day, and I'm sure many dads think the same. That's why it's so important they experience it for themselves.

OP - you say all your friends experienced the same as you. Did any of the dads take any shared parental leave?

Bumblebeesmum · 30/01/2019 08:38

When my husband was teaching and my first was tiny he’d get up at 5am & home at 7pm. Usually he’d left the house before our child woke up but he’d walk through the door to do bedtime for an hour. He’d then also be up in the night to help even when I was bf - only fair if I was bf he’d change a nappy etc.
I think you need to stamp this out now or it’ll be impossible to break later.

Bumblebeesmum · 30/01/2019 08:39

LannieDuck - very few families can afford the male parent to take extended parental leave

BarbarianMum · 30/01/2019 08:39

My dh worked v long hours when ours were little (still does). Nevertheless he still got up at 5.30 (when they woke) to give me an extra hour in bed. He did that specifically because that tended to be his entire parenting contribution for the day.

DameSylvieKrin · 30/01/2019 12:13

It’s not dangerous to make dinner with the baby in a sling if you have salad for dinner.
There are also plenty of cooking tasks that you can safely do. Won’t work if you only eat fried food though.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/01/2019 12:17

@LannieDuck
One of my friends is taking SPL.

I’m not working at the moment. I left my job in June as we relocated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/01/2019 12:18

His mum says she rang him last night and spoke to him. She told him to ring me before he went to work today and he promised he would. He didn’t.

I got a text thoughHmm

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 30/01/2019 12:22

Bumblebees - I accept it doesn't work in those families with a single low-earning male breadwinner, but that's a pretty unusual set-up now (pre-children). I think it's more common for both men and women to be employed pre-children than for just the woman to be.

When you get to the last 3 months of mat leave, financially women get almost nothing anyway (I seem to remember I actually got zero). So why does it matter whether the man or woman's at home? (plus women's earnings are slightly higher than men's in the 20 year age group, so the family may be better off having the woman as the sole breadwinner for those three months).

LannieDuck · 30/01/2019 12:23

Cross-post - obv not applicable to OP in that case :)

Did SPL make any difference in your friends' case? Or does the man still leave everything to the woman?

glueandstick · 30/01/2019 12:26

I don’t remember mine ever sterilising bottles more than once or twice. Couldn’t get up in the night as ‘slept too deeply’ and needed reminding to do everything. He did do nappies but not consistently. Now our child is much older the resentment is very much still there and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him. It’s destroyed a good part of our relationship.

Let it be a warning for the future.