To ask how much childcare your partners REALLY do?

[Lipsticktraces]

Because I’m not sure if AIBU or not...

We have five month old twins. They are ebf so I do all the night wakings. They are up around five times a night between them at the moment. I’m almost hallucinating with tiredness!

DH never wakes up before me to do morning nappies etc. He says he will but it happens about once every blood moon. For example this morning my DD woke up first so I took her downstairs to feed/change as I was getting my breakfast. I’ve had about three hours sleep so not in my best frame of mind.

I hear DS making noises upstsirs. These get progressively louder and after ten minutes I go upstairs to check him. He’s awake in his cot and DH hasn’t so much as rolled over to check him. His excuse? “He thought I was in the room” So I end up changing DS as well and taking him down to feed him after a few choice words with DH. He isn’t lazy but apparently I am?

He’s at work 10 until 10 today and he’s still in bed. He’s done bugger all for these babies this morning and they’ll be in bed when he gets in. I’ve told him he’s a rubbish father and should be ashamed of himself.

I’m at my wits end!

He needs to get his finger out and care for his children. It's even worse as u have 2 to look after and he's not even doing the bare minimum for 1. You must be so exhausted, he needs to take better care of all of you.

Does he help at bath and bed times?

My husband used to do a night feed on the wkends and take her downstairs in the morning so I cld get a bit more sleep. So defo done the morning nappies often. Sometimes if she had a bad night I'd hand her over as soon as he got home and went for a sleep. He would also do a late night bottle feed so that I cld go to bed early before she was up for her first night feed. He has always done bath time too and we now take turns to put her to bed.

If he hadn't been as helpful we wld prob be divorcing by now I would not put up with it.

Exdp- I would do all night feeds as I was on leave and he was in work. Dc would get up at 4:30am (he was an early riser!), and dp the same to walk the dogs. I would change dc and feed him, dp would come back, dress for work and play with him for an hour before work. I’d then get older dc up, take to school etc. He would pick up older dc from school, then take him and baby for a walk with the dogs (come hail or shine!). He’d do all feeds for the baby from when he came home to going to bed at 10:30. He’d also empty the dishwasher, do any washing up whilst I was cooking, empty and fill the washing machine and do all the ironing.

To be honest with twins, I’d be prodding your dp with a bloody hot poker in the mornings by now!!!

I have never had twins but I did have 3 under 4 at one point. When they were little and I had broken nights and was up bfing, and DH was working full time, he would sleep in the spare room with earplugs so he could get a few hours decent sleep. Then he'd be up at 5.30 or 6 and take the baby downstairs while he was getting his breakfast - he'd do nappy changes, play, give snacks when they were old enough etc. Then he'd bring me tea and breakfast upstairs, and the baby, at the last second before he left for work so I had got at least an extra hour of undisturbed sleep. When he got in from work he would take the baby straight away (I would cook dinner, but alone - bliss!) then share all the evening childcare 50-50 right up until we all went to bed. It was the only way we could survive. Your DH is NOT pulling his weight and needs a wake-up call.

My DP is sadly the same. He works 9-5 so not even 12 hours. We have a 13 week old also EBF. Aside from the first two weeks when he was on paternity, he has never woken in the night with him. I used to attempt to wake him to change nappies but he wouldn’t budge at all, literally asleep like the dead so I soon gave up as it was futile.

We started co-sleeping to save my sanity, I now quickly change his nappy then BF lying down but I appreciate that isn’t possible with twins! I really do feel for you there.

Your husband is an idiot, I’m sorry he’s treating you so badly. I have twins too and I ebf them too. They were also horrible sleepers! They woke every 1 to 2 hours every night (they were also bottle refusers and very small, so it was beyond stressful)

My (now) ex (who is far from perfect) would get up every night and change their nappies before bringing them to me to nurse. I was barely functioning from a horrific pregnancy and then the complete lack of sleep. And to give him credit, he never complained about doing it, he just did it because they are his children too.

Twins are a team effort. Your husband is being so selfish. Just because you are nursing them does not mean you should be doing everything! When you have more than one baby at a time, the logistics are so much harder - and time consuming. You need to really tell him it’s changing. What does he think will happen if you are so completely run down that you can’t finction? And I know it’s easy for people to say just leave them with him, but you are stuck when you are nursing, especially with babies that refuse bottles. I hope his mother really tells him off. And I hope you get some more sleep soon. I would also tell your doctor and maternal nurse what is going on. Maybe a professional having a chat with him might make him step up

DH would stay up to around 12 and do a late feed so I could sleep, I would do any night waking and then we'd both normally be up around 7 for breakfast for everyone.

He will generally help with bath/bedtime, unless late home which happens every now and again.
Weekends we take turns on who gets up first unless we're all going somewhere early, but even then whoever should have had a lie in just gets themselves washed and dressed.

I can’t leqve them for 24 hours as DD is a bottle refuser. I couldn’t handle 24 hours away from them anyway.

We’re going to end up missing messy play today because they aren’t dressed and DS has started feeding. It’s not just me it’s impacting on and that’s what makes me so angry.

I was the one going to work and DH was at home. Just the one child, so not just a fraction of the work. And of course he was not up all night BF, I was. Still when I got home from work, I took over everything baby related, also because I missed the baby.

Hide the PlayStation and tell him he'll get it back when he figures out how to be a father.

Now you’ve been told he’s useless, when do you plan to kick him out?

First few weeks when my DH was on parental leave I used to express and during the night we'd both get up and take a baby each, then when he returned to work we had an alternating system to give us both an uninterrupted night's sleep every few days. We also had paid outside help for a few hours a day several times a week to stop me going completely gaga. Neither of us had any quality me time for at least a year.

Twins are bloody hard work for the first few years and your DH needs to step up.

I feel like selling it never mind hiding it! Lord knows we could use the money! I should never have bought him it in the first place.

@yabbers he wouldn’t go even if I asked.

He clearly thinks the babies are your responsibility because he goes out to a paid job.

If stern words don’t improve things then I would have to LTB. I couldn’t be with someone who had so little respect for me.

Is he very young? He's behaving like a teenager who hasn't quite figured out how to live like a considerate adult yet

This is disgraceful he is behaving like a sulky teenager, how insulting and embarrassing for you
He's just a waste of space

Oh god he sounds awful OP.

When I was mat leave, I would cook tea and then he would generally be on shift from when he got home (6pm) until 11pm, then I take over after that. He use to help out in the mornings as well before he went to work. I was not BF though. Tbh weekends nights fell to me but I am lucky DH is an early bird so I got the sleep ins.

Neither sons were great sleepers until they were 1(I went back to work at 6 months) so we alternate nights following my return to work.

What do you want to do @lipstick, what do you see as your options here?

What would happen if you said to him that he needed to dress them?

Get rid of the language of 'helping you', he is a Parent. I did 12 hour night shifts. My Mum had them sleeping in her house and got them ready for school, or have them breakfast. I'd do everything else, including cleaning my own house, etc.

I survived on on three hours sleep. I just had to. I know Women who have no recourse to public funds, who just have to push through exhaustion.

All these Fathers, who aren't recovering from Birth/BF and who are, by nature physically stronger than Women, who can't even do an ounce of what Mothers do, are a disgrace.

All he has to do is to do his fair share of being a Parent.

If it doesn't change, I'd see a Solicitor and see if it comes under unreasonable behaviour.

I ebf both of mine, so obviously not did the night feeds. However if I couldn't settle the baby or just needed a hand then I'd wake DH and he'd help.

Mornings have always been his and still are and my kids are now 4&6. Any man who would happily lay in bed while their exhausted wife, who has been up repeatedly in the night, gets up is a disgrace.

I mean don't these men care about their partners or want to spend any time with their children?

It really is shameful!

OP your husband is not entitled to more sleep than you are. He really isn't.

He’s being a dick. If he’s not ‘helping’ (I’d much rather refer to it as parenting tbh), what use is he? I’d genuinely get rid, you deserve better.

It actually bothers me far more than it should when women on here go on about not expecting poor dh to help as he has been ‘working’. As if taking care of a newborn (or twins newborns in this case) on no sleep is equivalent to a spa day.

I am so glad my dm is the woman she is, she would never have tolerated this nonsense. My df passed away when we were relatively young, but I remember him coming home tired from work, and he still managed to parent us, cook and do housework when he was home. Exactly the same as my dm did when she wasn’t working. Because he wasn’t a dick. Don’t put up with it op.

YANBU OP. My OH is out the house 12.5 hours a day with work. He gets in at 8:30 and we share the duties until we're both fed and washed and we go to bed together around 10:30 most nights unless baby isn't settling and he'll stay up with him and I go to bed alone. He does night wakings/settling until 2ish which is usually just one feed and I do the rest. He jumps up and does more when he's off work the next day (seriously he's up, out of bed and downstairs with baby before I have time to roll out of bed 😂) He also gets up 30 mins earlier than he used to on work days to make sure our other DS is ready and drop him off at breakfast club, and also takes baby for 10-15 mins so I can brush teeth/hair, wash face & get dressed etc.

We're both happy with this and it works. Yes, he works and I stay at home but when having children we accepted that BOTH of us will be tired but you have to pull your weight and suck it up because it's not forever. And I only have the one baby . Your OH is lazy and selfish. I have no idea how you've coped until now. He should be embarrassed and ashamed of himself that you've had to resort to speaking to his mum.

The amount of help has changed over the years.

When DS was new born DP went back to work after a week and I did everything. DS was EBF so I did all the night feeds etc. What we did do however, was each have a lie in on the weekend and we were happy with that arrangement.

When DS was a toddler, DP would take DS to little kickers or an activity at the weekend and I would get on top of the housework as I was back to work part-time.

Fast forward to DS at senior school and there is more of a 50/50 split in terms of getting DS to school, after school activities and weekend sport commitments and generally it is DP who is doing the ferrying around and standing in the cold! I like to think that it has all balanced out in the end - I did everything in the early years (and was happy with it that way) and DP does far more now.

I do end up sitting with the dreaded homework though...

Only one DC here, but she was EBF. When I was on mat leave, I did most of the night wakings, but DH took a shift when things were bad. If she was awake before he left for work, he'd change her etc if he had time, to give me a break and maybe time for a shower depending on how things were shaking out.

I definitely did most of the baby stuff (that's changed now as he's on shared parental leave so it's mostly on him - suggest that to your DH and see how it goes down!), but he did absolutely everything around the house, especially in the first few months.

Let me guess OP, you're doing all the housework, cos "you're home all day"?

He's a lazy prick