To ask how much childcare your partners REALLY do?

[Lipsticktraces]

Because I’m not sure if AIBU or not...

We have five month old twins. They are ebf so I do all the night wakings. They are up around five times a night between them at the moment. I’m almost hallucinating with tiredness!

DH never wakes up before me to do morning nappies etc. He says he will but it happens about once every blood moon. For example this morning my DD woke up first so I took her downstairs to feed/change as I was getting my breakfast. I’ve had about three hours sleep so not in my best frame of mind.

I hear DS making noises upstsirs. These get progressively louder and after ten minutes I go upstairs to check him. He’s awake in his cot and DH hasn’t so much as rolled over to check him. His excuse? “He thought I was in the room” So I end up changing DS as well and taking him down to feed him after a few choice words with DH. He isn’t lazy but apparently I am?

He’s at work 10 until 10 today and he’s still in bed. He’s done bugger all for these babies this morning and they’ll be in bed when he gets in. I’ve told him he’s a rubbish father and should be ashamed of himself.

I’m at my wits end!

He doesn't do childcare for our children, he does parent them though.

Whilst on maternity i did the nights if he had to work the next days and we split the weekend. Once both at work we took turns. I wouldn't accept anything less than an equal partner, we both do 50/50 on everything. I don't wan te children to think boys do x and girls do y.

I don’t want that either @TheBigBangRocks we discussed all this before the babies got here and I honestly thought we were on the same page. It makes his behaviour even more disappointing.

He sounds so lazy and pathetic!! Show him this thread. He needs to step up and be a parent.

Book yourself into a hotel for a night, leave him some expressed milk and let him parent his children. He does not need to be talked through everything- caring for babies is not maternal instinct it’s actially just trial and error with common sense.

DH does everything he possibly can. He leaves for work at 7.30 but will still do breakfast for the baby/ nappy if needed. On weekends I always lie in while he gets up with the baby. No way would he get away with waking up at 9.30. Taking care of twins is 100 times harder even than a 12 hour shift!!

I can’t leave them with him. DD doesn’t take a bottle. Even if she did I couldn’t stand to be away from them all night!

Right well then he can

Actively start bathing, dry and dress one twin.

Do some of the laundry, hanging wet clothes, folding and putting away.

His job to see to pet.

Why was it YOUR savings were used?!!

And he's a grown arse adult he really DOESN'T need to be told more than once (at most!) what's involved in a task!

"we discussed all this before the babies got here" words are cheap - did he do half the housework, pet care and mental load BEFORE the ivf?

Time for a "shape up or ship out" talk, because honestly if he left you'd have LESS to do overall.

We had to use my savings. He didn’t have any. It was an inheritance that I’d come into that we used.

Tbh he didn’t always do half those things before the babies. I probably should have seen this coming but I was desperate to
Be a mum before it was too late.

You keep saying you can't leave them but you COULD for however long dd will last between feeds, how long is that? Or even "just" leave him with ds for a morning/afternoon - a good 4/5 hours!

That would help him "get it" AND he doesn't "just" look after the baby either.

He gets a load of laundry & dishes done and makes an important phone call too - let him see how hard it is to do such things while also caring for a baby and YOU'RE doing it with 2!!

Sorry but I thought as much!

People don't IMPROVE such behaviour after becoming parents, if they're grafters, they'll still graft, if they're lazy they'll still be lazy.

My DH is amazing - truly amazing with childcare.
When I found out I was pregnant (semi unexpected), we had a conversation around childcare etc. We made an agreement around shared nursery drop offs/pick ups when I went back to work.
We also made an agreement around night / morning. I did the night feeds breastfed, but I'd express a bottle in the evening for the morning. DS would wake up about 5/5:30am and DH would take him downstairs, give him the expressed bottle, have half hour playing with him and then put him back in his cot about 7am before going to work. DS would then sleep until about 9am giving me a few extra zzzz's and chance to have a shower/get dressed etc etc.
Can't fault him, he's been brilliant. Share the sick care etc.

I think many parents would benefit from having these "shared parenting" conversations in pregnancy rather than waiting until baby arrives. It becomes hard to change a routine once it's become a habit.

I didn't have twins but my first dd was sick and couldn't sleep AT ALL at night in the cot, only if being held or walked in the pram. She had a heart condition which meant she couldn't get enough calories from her milk - she used up more than she got by just breathing. She was up ALL NIGHT so I imagine this is much like twins.

Yes she was ebf at the time as refused bottles (there came a time when we had tonsyringe high calorie formula into her mouth to get her to take it. Hell on earth). But she also took ages to wind- turned out she had a tongue tie but that wasn't diagnosed until long after- he could have held her and walked up and down.

My exh was alot like your h. Didn't give a shit. Wanted his full night sleep so he could feel nice and fresh at work so made sure he got it.

We roped grandmas in to take dd out during the day in the pram (they didn't even live locally) and eventually exmil and to a lesser extent dm did some bits of nights but it wasn't their job and there were elderly.

We did have a second but the resentment of him had kicked in. He was a bit better with dc2 (completely healthy) but only a bit.

I ended up divorcing him because of his highly selfish, lazy and some times emotionally abusive / controlling ways. He's still a twat about child arrangements but at least I don't have to pretend to love him while he's doing it.

Exmil did more than she was really able to I think to paper over the cracks in our relationship - she didn't want us to split up!

The other thing that ate away at me over the 7 or so years between dds birth and separating was never having a weekend lie in. No matter how much I tried to get him to do a lie in each system he never would.

Mine probably does too much. We have twin, they are 7 now but it was hard, when the twins were born we had a older child but he wasn't even two at that point. My kids have all been really good sleepers but my husband did more than his fair share.

With the twins we would both "do" one, mine were bottle fed (for various reasons) so he was able to help out with feeds. When it was super hard we both had a night off a week Where we would sleep in the guest room. So once a week Each of us had a full nights sleep.

I am really deaf, so with my eldest despite being next to my side of the bed, I would sleep through it and while I asked him to wake me, he often would just take care of whoever woke up and let me sleep. He's a bit of my hero really. He would then go off and work for 12 hours and come often would cook too.

Obviously things are different now, he still is exceptional at night though, I often wake to find him missing looking after an ill child or have a child in bed with us as they have had a nightmare or something so he's brought them into our bed.

Mine probably does more than I do now. When the kids were small I took the brunt of nights and night wakings as they were bf but once that phase was over it’s always been well shared. We both work in the same job as police officers, he is on shifts whereas I am now a ‘shiny arse’ and have a more normal working week. As a result he picks up more school runs and more general childcare and running about for our three kids. I tend to work more hours though.

"I think many parents would benefit from having these "shared parenting" conversations in pregnancy rather than waiting until baby arrives." Like I said, talk is cheap. Plus I'd say any discussion/action needs to happen BEFORE ttc (where possible).

Sadly there are far too many women socialised and conditioned to put up with crap husbands/partners.

By their parents, school, govt (still huge pay inequalities, minimal leave for fathers etc), wider society (inc media. How many truly decent soap husbands are there?)

More publicity of red flags, what IS acceptable behaviour, how to address issues is needed.

There's another thread running about who should cover child sickness. Op is in probationary period & husband (or partner) is on higher wage BUT more secure employment. Employers need to be MADE to properly accept that male as well as female employees need to cover this, as do the men involved. It's 2019 ffs and we're STILL stuck in "man earner wife nurturer" bollocks!!

Every single one of my mum friends complain about how useless their partners are @Graphista. I’ve now become one of them. It’s so depressing.

My partner and I took turns at night with a medically fragile preemie after six weeks in NICU. He does far more than most Dads. Does he dust or clean bathrooms? No but I have more time at home to do that vs him. Our kid is 18 and we are a team dedicated to each other and him. Good luck I'd probably change the locks and strew all his belongings on the front lawn tbh

When I was breastfeeding at night DH got up with the baby 6 days out of 7. I would feed in bed in the morning and then hand the baby over and get a bit more sleep. After breastfeeding stopped we alternated. Sometimes I needed to prod him with my foot if he was sleeping deeply but I wouldn't get up if it was his turn.

Does he sleep in the room with you and twins. If so, go downstairs and have a kip early morning and leave him to it. He'll figure it out

"Every single one of my mum friends complain about how useless their partners are Graphista. I’ve now become one of them. It’s so depressing."

But NONE of you need to tolerate it! Why do you?

Why are women CHOOSING to have children who very likely BEFORE ttc were ALREADY lazy & unsupportive? See it all the time on these boards.

Often with a comment about "1950's traditions" yet I and others my age and older have noticed that it seems to be a particular problem in the under 40's.

"1950's" husbands may not have done MUCH childcare, housework etc BUT they WEREN'T lazy!!

They did instead those tasks traditionally belonging to men, DIY, car, home & garden maintenance (and few people would "get a man in" for such jobs then & housing and car quality was lower and not electronic, so there was something most days needed done), fixing toys & bikes, managing household admin/finances (mental load here), anything "heavy" like carrying shopping, putting stuff away in attic, hoovering I discovered (was surprised until I TRIED to move my grans old Hoover, weighed a bloody ton!), kneading bread was one I learned recently.

With children they may not have done much when they were babies/toddlers (though I heard from my mum & grans that my dad & granda's were very good at helping out when DC teething or sick and I recently learned that taking the DC for their jags was sometimes seen as dads job as "too upsetting" for mum) BUT as they got older they did homework, teaching to swim, ride bikes, playing footy, building models, teaching children about nature, hikes, discipline (wait till your father gets home!), teaching things like table manners & manners generally - they PARENTED!

Now they seem to do sod all!

Your man unless you get him to step up soon I can't see doing any of that - he'll leave it all to you.

Why are women CHOOSING to have children WITH PARTNERS who very likely BEFORE ttc were ALREADY lazy & unsupportive? See it all the time on these boards.

He wouldn’t hear them if I left him to it. They aren’t crying in the morning type babies. They’d be awake for ages before he even heard them.

I wanted a family @Graphista and time was running out for me. Perhaps I have no right to complain. I honestly thought he would be a better father than this though.

I wanted a family @Graphista and time was running out for me. Perhaps I have no right to complain. I honestly thought he would be a better father than this though.

He likely gave pretty good indication he'd never be more than a sperm donor long before this. No, you don't really have a right to complain because whenever a person gets to the age where they're running out of time so just need a donor, it's usually best just to get an anonymous one because now you'll have this waster involved in your kids' lives and yours for decades but if not then with the expectation that you'll be a single parent. Harsh but true. He's not going to change. There's been no change to his life and he won't entertain one.

Wow some of these comments are sad 😔 i don't get why a dad wouldn't want to do his share. DP & I split everything; i do all the nights purely because he takes medication that makes him unsteady. But he gets up with DS & sorts DD ready for school so i can lie in. When he's in the house he actively parents more than I do! He has definitely changed more shitty nappies than me (DS saves them for him hehe).

You need to kick his arse & kick his arse hard. If you are doing the nightshift, he pulls his weight before he goes to work.