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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being so angry with drunk DP

178 replies

raymama · 28/01/2019 23:57

....not that he knows I'm angry, the state of him!! This will probably be long but I need to vent.

DP and I have a 4 month old DC. He quit his job before xmas, starts a new one next week (this is relevant later). He went to the funeral of an old friends parent. He was "just showing his face".

2pm he texts me saying he's at the wake. Will stay for an hour. Fine, no problem.

Come 6pm, I try to call him to see if he wants dinner. No answer. He calls me at half 7 and says he's coming home soon. 8.30pm he texts saying he's on his way. a bit annoying but im still fine with this.

11 o fucking clock I hear "no you go first its your house" from my hallway. Im in the kitchen washing bottles for our DC, fresh out the shower, in my shittiest (but comfiest) pjs, very obviously braless when in walks DPs friend supporting DP. I am not dressed for visitors!!

DP staggers around the kitchen asking what he can do to help, I told him to go to (spare) bed, he's then passed out on the sofa trying to take his shoes off.

I tried to wake him to take him to spare room and he fell off the fucking sofa, mumbled something incoherent, half got back on the sofa and passed out again.

I've got work tomorrow as I've been doing one KIT day a week since DC was 3m to bring in more money whilst he was jobless, but he obviously wasn't thinking about childcare when he was out.

I've tried moving him and I can't so had to leave him down there with a sick bowl.

I'm so angry I can't sleep. Mainly because of the blatant disregard of the fact he has responsibilities. He clearly won't be looking after DC tomorrow. AIBU being so angry or should I give him a break as he was at a funeral?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 29/01/2019 18:05

Would the “I’m so cool and fun I often get paralytic at funerals so I can’t look after my baby the next day” brigade also whine about having to clear up their own sick because they think their dh should do that?

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2019 21:02

You on a different thread there ? Want to quote even one poster who has said they regularly do this, never mind a whole brigade of them?

antipodeansun · 29/01/2019 22:04

I am reading this and I cannot believe the culture in which getting plastered is absolutely fine, even commendable, and anyone who dares to criticize is joyless pearl clutcher.
It is awful not to be able to have fun, or grieve, without substances. I could tolerate adolescents getting drunk but adults should know better (yes not British, though I did live in the UK; a Southern European from a culture that actually consumes quite a bit of alcohol but is far less accepting of drunkeness in adults though perfectly able to enjoy life)
Beyond grim.

MsTSwift · 29/01/2019 22:15

I was being facetious as you know but the point stands.

pictish · 29/01/2019 22:24

“It is awful not to be able to have fun, or grieve, without substances.“

I agree. I don’t need substances to have fun or...grieve. Who here said that they did?
I think you’re confusing people that have drunk too much on a handful of occasions, with people who have chronic addiction issues.
Do you see how they are different?

As much as OP’s dh dropped the ball on this one, plenty of people are only too happy to pick it up and run with it. Hmm

ForrestPlumppp · 29/01/2019 22:26

No.chance of a fry up/breakfast in bed then?

antipodeansun · 29/01/2019 23:21

@pictish - well these are exact quotes from this thread explaining or rather excusing instances of drunkenness in adult people- from the first two pages:

"I wouldn't worry too much, he was at a funeral. It's how some people grieve. "
"He was at a funeral, it isn’t a regular occurrence."
"Bin there and dun that well sort of it does happen, get talking one more yeah sure;) and then another and rinse and repeat.
Time takes on a differnt meaning and scale and well you see the results of ye demon drink"
"I don’t think there’s any need to be uptight. "

ForrestPlumppp · 29/01/2019 23:37

I do think us blokes get a harder time for slipping up and drinking too much tbh. It's the whole 'he was out with the lads' stereotype. If he doesn't do it often I'd just suck it up, but that's just my opinion I guess.

marymarkle · 30/01/2019 00:20

Forrest Really? You think a woman going to a funeral, and being brought back absolutely drunk by the friend she is supposed to be going there to support, would have been seen as okay? Because it wouldn't. He was selfish. He should have been supporting his friend instead of getting so drunk his friend had to look after him. The last thing someone needs on the day of the funeral of your own parent.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/01/2019 00:26

YEah poor blokes for getting a hard time for acting like a total twat. Getting plastered at a time when he was supposed to be supporting the very friend who got him home, when he was supposed to be in charge of a 3 month old baby the next day and moaning at having to clean up his own mess.

Oh and a slip up is having one too many and missing the train. Lying throughout the day about when you are going to be home, dropping your OH in it when they need to be at work and acting as if you are single and childless is not a slip up. Its deliberate and frankly pathetic.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/01/2019 01:04

I can’t get over his complete lack of contrition or responsibility. You need a serious talk with him.

ForrestPlumppp · 30/01/2019 01:22

Wakes are traditionally boozy affairs and some guys just can't handle their booze well. I went to an Irish one a couple of months ago and got absolutely smashed, which I rarely do. I then had to walk three miles home in -2 weather with just a coat and no jumper underneath (no taxis and didn't want to wake my gf). Had I not been a big chap and able to handle my booze I might've been in a similar situation and I'm sure a friend would've sorted me out as I would've them if necessary. One of my fingers was numb for three weeks from the cold!

ForrestPlumppp · 30/01/2019 01:26

Some people want to give the departed a send off rather than weep into their pint and it sounds like it may have been this kind of wake.

NyNameIsTaken · 30/01/2019 01:32

I do think us blokes get a harder time for slipping up and drinking too much tbh.

I don't think they do. I know of two women who got drunk on a "school night" and were utterly slagged off and called shit parents for it,

Dad had to do school run and wasn't happy because he hates standing in playground, nobody told him to unclench, to suck it up or whatever, he was met with lots of "poor you having to get your children ready for school, can't believe she did that" and was met with lots of sympathy.

Other mum took kids to school herself, obviously rough and but whiff of stale alcohol, minute she left playground the other parents layes right into her, some bloke suggested she shouldn't be allowed to have a child if he she can't manage to not get so drunk when she knows she's got kids to get ready the next day (she'd also been to a funeral of an old friend but was actually a planned late night and she didn't puke in floor and complaint that her husband wouldn't clean it for her)

A mum getting pissed, leaving vomit in the floor for her husband to clean and fucking back off to bed when her husband has work and she's meant to be having the kids would be judged very harshly.

There was a thread on here a few years ago where Mum was going out eight weeks after having a baby and she was torn a new arsehole and told she shouldn't have had a baby if she's wasnting to live a single night. One night out in over a year and iirc she wasn't even planning on drinking as she was breastfeeding.

NyNameIsTaken · 30/01/2019 01:42

@ForrestPlumppp

You say you were absolutely smashed but then say you could handle your booze?

Absolutely smashed is how I'd describe OPs dh, he couldn't walk himself home and needed a friend. If he'd decided to walk home in that weather with unsuitable clothing he could seriously harmed himself.

Wakes are boozy things where I'm from for what it's worth, but people manage to plan their childcare around them beforehand. Dh has gone to many over the years and when it becomes clear he'd like a few more drinks he phones and asks if my mum would have dd, or that he's gone be nine hours later than he said, he doesn't just decided he's not looking after his kid and the one time he's missed the toilet he cleaned his own mess.

pictish · 30/01/2019 06:38

“I don't think they do. I know of two women who got drunk on a "school night" and were utterly slagged off and called shit parents for it

Dad had to do school run and wasn't happy because he hates standing in playground, nobody told him to unclench, to suck it up or whatever, he was met with lots of "poor you having to get your children ready for school, can't believe she did that" and Was met with loads of sympathy.

Other mum took kids to school herself, obviously rough and but whiff of stale alcohol, minute she left playground the other parents layes right into her, some bloke suggested she shouldn't be allowed to have a child if he she can't manage to not get so drunk when she knows she's got kids to get ready the next day”

What a load of absolute fictitious crap. Stop it.

adriennewillfly · 30/01/2019 06:40

I've done something similar to your DH. Except it was my dh's birthday. And I got so drunk I couldn't walk home. And my DH has lots of presents and the buggy on top of drunk me to take on public transport home. After it happened a few times, I stopped drinking completely.

pictish · 30/01/2019 06:41

And even if there is some basis in truth here, it is clear you are referring to a gaggle of petty, gossiping idiots that no one with any intelligence would take the slightest bit of notice of.

SpiritedLondon · 30/01/2019 07:23

I don’t think life should stop when you have children, not at all, but there are times when you prioritise differently. I think having a 4 month old is one of those times. No women I know would have been out getting smashed when their babies were this young. I doubt many men I know would have done it either because it’s not the time in your life for doing that. The other thing that particularly struck me was that the OP was having to work to earn money because her DH had given up work before Christmas. Why would you make yourself unemployed like that and then allow your breastfeeding wife to return to work to keep the finances ticking over? With a 4 month old? Unless there’s a really good reason why he needed to stop working when he did he’s sounding like a selfish arse for that very reason alone.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 30/01/2019 08:30

Some people want to give the departed a send off rather than weep into their pint and it sounds like it may have been this kind of wake.

What about the fact that he was only supposed to be "showing his face" to support his mate? That "send off" involved getting completely wasted and forcing his bereaved friend to bring him home - what a lovely way to support your mate. You're also overlooking the fact that he was supposed to be looking after his own child the next day so that his partner could go to work. Particularly important when he's out of work and she's the only one bringing money in, no?

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2019 08:45

I wonder if he even knew the deceased?

And I wonder if the OP's ever coming back?

ForrestPlumppp · 30/01/2019 23:13

I'm not excusing his behaviour, just saying that it's easy to get a bit carried away in these kind of situations.

StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2019 08:19

I don't agree. As a grown adult I can conduct myself properly at a funeral and have been able to for a few decades. Even if alcohol is on offer.

HeronLanyon · 31/01/2019 08:34

I recently organised a memorial reception for my ma who passed away before Christmas. One person got drunk but I didn’t mind in the slightest. She was very happy/huggy drunk and thenonlyntiresome thing was a few of us kind of had to make sure she didn’t monopolise anyone who couldn’t get away. Actually she was just very very upset my ma has died (think she saw her as a mother figure), didn’t mean to get drunk, told me some really lovely stories (slurring), cried a bit (I find people crying about my mum dying a lovely sign of their love for her) etc. I walked her to taxi towards end and returned. Mum would have understood.
All in all in the absence of actual misbehaviour I understood - these events are difficult for some, you can risking end up drinking at odd times of day or for longer than meant and stick around catching up etc etc.
Dh was crap and let op down but unless it’s a pattern of being irresponsible I think she should be pissed off but then let it go. Can’t imagine being in relationship which doesn’t allow each other to mess up every now and then ! (I’ve not been drunk badly for decades but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been there on occasion).

Kittykat93 · 31/01/2019 09:12

Totally off topic but at my mums funeral I got absoloutely pissed out of my face, tried to snog someone (don't remember this) cried constantly and had to be bundled in a car to go home. I am guilty as charged Grin

Saying that, I probably wouldn't do it if it had been a mates parents funeral