To impose a cleaning rota on my adult children?

[SparkleSoiree]

This is long, sorry.

At the end of my tether. All I seem to do is put on the dishwasher, clean the kitchen down, hoover the house through, sort and push through all the washing, empty bins around the house, sorting out the recycling, dusting, pick things up off the floor, put things back in kid's rooms, take dishes out of their room, trip over their shoes, trip over their clothes, pick up piles of takeaway cartons, clean the bathroom daily (which is always really mucky because of DS's job). Forget the fact I'm doing a degree, run a business and trying to improve my own physical wellbeing after a spate of ill health.

I am sick of it.

I have 3. Two adult children and one who's still junior school age. DS moved back in to our spare room a few months back after the breakdown of his marriage to get some breathing space financially. We don't charge him rent or bills. He pays for his own food and does his own cooking. However I usually have to clean up behind him or sort out his washing as it's just left everywhere. Every other weekend he has his daughter (granddaughter) visit for 2 nights - and I usually end up doing the bathing, bedtime routine and babysitting for her whilst he goes out for the evening. I get no lie-in on those weekends because she comes to me to make her brekkie, etc. This weekend I put my foot down and didn't - suddenly I don't love my granddaughter anymore, according to him. Not to mention the piles of toys around the house because we are short of storage space for them.

My DD is better, she does things in spurts but thinks once she's done a few tasks she doesn't need to do anything for the rest of the month and constantly reminds me of when she cleaned the last time.

My youngest is disabled and is making good progress with her life and independence skills, does the dishwasher 2 nights a week, works hard to keep to her personal welfare routine and generally makes no mess outside her bedroom.

Recently I said I was going to put up a cleaning rota because I was sick of living in a pigsty and needed more order back in the house. I was met with rebellion and offers to pay for a cleaner. I can afford a cleaner, but I want my kids to tidy up after themselves and I'm happy to tidy up after myself. I just feel they are really, really lazy and don't understand the importance of personal responsibility and being responsible for the mess they create in their lives, whether it's refuse or something else.

Hubby works away and even when he was home he was 50/50 with everything that needed doing in the house before DS came home. So this situation is alien to me and is driving me nuts! I'm just constantly moaning about the state of the house and it's met with 'it's your house' or 'your'e the mum in the house'.

AIBU to enforce this rota today and if they don't like it then they can find somewhere else to live? No matter how many hours a week I do it always feels dirty/unkempt with a never-ending view of mess from my kids, it's bad for my mental health and it just feels like they are taking me for granted, disrespecting me and don't understand the commitments I've got going on in my life that need my time and attention. Those commitments are suffering because of the time it takes to keep the house from falling into a rotten mess.

Or should I just suck it up as part of being a mother with kids at home?

You only have one kid at home-suck up some of their ness and I only say that as you said he/she is disabled. My junior school DD does jobs. As for the grownups tell then you don't want a cleaner in your home, so they can either do their bit or they can find somewhere else to live. Also, in line with the argument about you being "the mum in the house" remind your son that you are not granddaughters mum, so he needs to step up and parent her or renegotiate contact with his ex wife

They’re taking the piss. Honestly OP, but your foot down now and mean it.

Your son’s behaviour is disgraceful! He’s been married, for goodness sake, did he expect his wife to follow around tidying up after him? You shouldn’t be making your granddaughters breakfast - he’s the parent, it’s his responsibility to feed his child, no one else’s. It doesn’t speak well of him that he then tries to deflect the responsibility and make you feel guilty.

You’re doing them no favours in the long run by doing it for them. They have to learn to be self-sufficient.

OP, I should say I’m referring to your adult children in my post.

You could tell them that if you have to pick up any of their possessions, they will go in the bin, and actually do it.

Stop doing anyone's washing except yours and youngest DC.

Adult DC need to pay for their keep. If they can afford to go out, eat takeaways etc, they can afford to pay for their bed and board. If they don't like it, they can move out.

Every other weekend he has his daughter (granddaughter) visit for 2 nights - and I usually end up doing the bathing, bedtime routine and babysitting for her whilst he goes out for the evening.

Why the heck are you letting him go out in the evening when he is supposed to be looking after his daughter? Even if she is in bed in the evening, her dad is supposed to be the one who looks after her if she wakes and when she gets up in the morning not her grandmother. It is different if she is having a sleepover at Grandma's but not in her contact time with her dad.

Stop letting him behave like a single man with no responsibilities. Also make him clean his own mess up and don't wash his clothes.

You’ve enabled this up til now op so it’s definitely time to put your foot down.
You’re right. They need to learn responsibility and to respect the space they live in.
Your adult son needs to parent his daughter. Not leave you to do it all.
A rota will be a good first step.

I think you could draw up a cleaning rota, but my guess is that they will ignore it as they really don't seem to respect you at all. So, present them with the rota and tell them, in advance, that if they don't stick to it, they can find their own place and move out. And mean it!
I would also stop doing all/most of the stuff for your granddaughter. It is not your responsibility. Tell him no, or go out for the evening with your youngest (cinema sort of thing) before the bedtime routine begins. And put all of her toys in his bedroom.

Agree with the others - your adult kids are being CFs.

Not really the point, but a cleaner usually won't clean around mess. If there's shit all over the floor they will leave it and not vacuum for example.

Personally, I would stop doing anything for them. If I found something of theirs in my way I would throw it in their room and shut the door. That includes their dirty laundry, plates and cups left on the side, kids toys, their shoes, takeaway boxes, everything. Let them live in the shit they create. If you stop doing anything for long enough, they will have to start doing something for themselves.

I agree with the others. Put their mess in their rooms and let them deal with it. Draw up a rota for things like hoovering and cleaning.

Could you go away to a friend's the next time your GD is over - stay overnight somewhere? Make him parent her.

These are the rules.

• Clean up after yourself
• hoover rota
• dishwasher

-bathroom -etc -he looks after his child. It's every other weekend. He doesn't need to go out every weekend.

If they don't like it, well fuck off and live elsewhere.

If this is how he is with you, sorry but I can see why his marriage broke down. He sees looking after his child as 'women's work'.

Your two adult children are royally taking the piss OP.
Explain to them that they need to start acting like adults or move out.

Is your son saving to get his own place whilst he’s cocklodging off you?

And wtf is he doing going out whilst he’s supposed to be with his DD? I can see why his DW kicked him out!

I have been making my kids do this kind of thing since they were eight years old. Not to earn pocket money, but because they live in my house too, and because they need to learn life skills required to live as independent adults. Of course you are not being unreasonable. You have been unreasonable not to have done this much, much earlier.

DS moved back in to our spare room a few months back after the breakdown of his marriage to get some breathing space financially. We don't charge him rent or bills. He pays for his own food and does his own cooking. However I usually have to clean up behind him or sort out his washing as it's just left everywhere. Every other weekend he has his daughter (granddaughter) visit for 2 nights - and I usually end up doing the bathing, bedtime routine and babysitting for her whilst he goes out for the evening. I get no lie-in on those weekends because she comes to me to make her brekkie, etc.

No wonder his marriage broke up. And he's being a shit dad too.

You aren't a "mother with kids at home". You are a mother to 1 kid at home, and a mother also to 2 useless lazy adults who don't respect you.

AIBU to enforce this rota today and if they don't like it then they can find somewhere else to live?

YANBU. In any way whatsoever at all. They should be ashamed.

I ssupect if your DS starts doing anything approaching pulling his weight your DD will probably also do more. If I were DD I think I'd resent his behaviour as much as you do (but I'd probably be giving him the rocket you should be giving him so maybe not!).
Go tough, stop doing stuff for them. "if you don't hear then you will feel". They'll soon sort themselves out when they've got no clean pants to go out partying in

On a practical note.

Don't put things back in their rooms.

Get a big tub for each person (and one spare). Put them in utility room or similar.

Anything left lying around chuck in the tub of the person who left the mess. Including the takeaway cartons if left out, if necessary. They can rummage through it for their stuff.

The extra tub is for items you can't identify to a particular person.

Stop running around after them. Make them face up to the consequences of not looking after their stuff.

Stop doing the washing for the eldest two. Any left round the house, stick in a bin bag and leave in their room.

YANBU
Your adult children are being manipulative, disrespectful and taking you for granted. What an insulting thing to say that you 'don't love your granddaughter' because you decided to put your foot down and say no. After all you have done for your DS, how dare he say that! I'd be asking him how much he loves his daughter because he's not setting a good example and how much does he love you as a mother because he's treating you like a bit of shit. He's lucky he can live with you rent free with no bills to pay so really he needs to man up, clean up after himself and stop acting like a petulant little boy. Not surprised you were faced with rebellion and offers to pay for a cleaner. If they were paying rent and bills they probably wouldn't want to fork out for cleaner on top of that. Your adult DC sound like a pair of spoilt brats who need a wake up call.

Were they expected to help in the house when growing up? If not, I think you have a fight on your hands. I agree that if they refuse to do their share, then they need to move out. Your DS sounds particularly useless and I would stop looking after your GC so he can slope off to the pub. Time for him to grow up.

Everyone in a family should contribute to the family home, to the extent that they are capable.
Families come with perks and responsibilities. You don’t get one without the other.
A perk is having a place to crash land when your life goes wrong, knowing that there is someone who will look out for you and care.

For children their contribution might be keeping their rooms tidy, clearing their dishes and taking responsibility for a bigger chore like cleaning the bathroom, or mowing the lawn.

Adults living together should be splitting the workload and the costs of the home fairly. Not necessarily equally but fairly.

I don’t think it’s wise to have an adult living rent free. If you feel guilty, put the contribution in an account so you can help him with a deposit or to buy furniture in the future.

Adult children clean on the rota, do their own laundry and treat you with respect or they move out.

Son looks after his DD every time she’s there. Start arranging nights out for yourself to enforce this. His poor ex-wife, no wonder he’s divorced.

You have already told them you are not happy. Do not speak again. Demonstrate how unhappy you are.

Everything that is where it shouldn't be, goes in the garage / shed. EVERYTHING.

They are behaving very badly, so there have to be consequences. It is your house, so you get to decide what those consequences are.

Get your son to buy storage boxes for his DC's toys ASAP. You can buy boxes that stack up and so you only need one box worth of floor space, for a huge amount of stacked storage. Every time you find a toy that hasn't been put away, it goes out into the garage.

If you don't have a garage or garden shed, then buy some strong bin bags and fill them and put them out in the garden / on the balcony or whatever outdoor space you have.

If they leave rubbish in the kitchen, put it in their bedrooms.

Your elder DC are being entirely unfair and unreasonable and you don't have to put up with it.

Completely agree with Tinty about your son's daughter. He needs to step the fuck up and act like a responsible parent.

And they're both taking the piss about housework.

Draw up a rota, then sit them down together and make absolutely clear that they either follow it or they find somewhere else to live. Give them a set period to get their act together –six weeks maybe.

Mine are 16, 13 and 11 and do LOADS more than yours!

Just sit them all down and tell them houes rules.

1. I cook, everyone else clears up. That mean table, dishwasher, wipe down all surfaces including cooker, washing up etc.
2. You use th ebath, you clean the bath, leave is spotless for next person (I would suggets leaving the cleaning stuff there in the bathroom though)
3. Household jobs, list, divide between you, eg bins, hoovering etc. Make sure there is a time next to each one, eg daily, weekly, etc
4. washing, I don;t like th do your own washing rules as we sort ours by colour, so I would say - mon and wed ds puts a load on, tues and thurs dd puts a load on etc

Make it clear that you are not running a hotel, and if they want to stay, they pull their fingers out.
I woudl also put in an ultimatum - no change, you get one montsh notice to move out.

On a more practical note look at how you can all come together and help each other out with chores too.
Look where it’s easier for one person to do something rather than everyone doing their own.
For example cooking meals for everyone then others do the clearing up. Or someone doing the laundry and is doing whites. It makes sense to do it for everyone if there’s only a few extra items.
You’re still a family so it might be a good way to tick along together.
Or if it’s easier for everyone to do their own thing, then carry on with that.

My kids always helped around the house growing up. Hence why I'm struggling with this situation because it's just now how they were raised.

However, after reading your comments and opinions, I accept full responsibility for the way things have deteriorated since DS moved back in. Before he moved in we didn't have this problem and even DD was very tidy. I think, because he'd had such a bad time of it when his marriage broke down (can't go into it here, would out us as a family I think) I wanted to make things easy for him. I just didn't think he'd want me to clean around after him also.

Anyway, I'm already whizzing through the creation of a rota and will email it out to both of them today with my instructions. If I email then they can think about it and will hopefully be more settled with it before they get home. If I just give it to them they will argue the toss and I can't be done with more rebellion.