To impose a cleaning rota on my adult children?

[SparkleSoiree]

This is long, sorry.

At the end of my tether. All I seem to do is put on the dishwasher, clean the kitchen down, hoover the house through, sort and push through all the washing, empty bins around the house, sorting out the recycling, dusting, pick things up off the floor, put things back in kid's rooms, take dishes out of their room, trip over their shoes, trip over their clothes, pick up piles of takeaway cartons, clean the bathroom daily (which is always really mucky because of DS's job). Forget the fact I'm doing a degree, run a business and trying to improve my own physical wellbeing after a spate of ill health.

I am sick of it.

I have 3. Two adult children and one who's still junior school age. DS moved back in to our spare room a few months back after the breakdown of his marriage to get some breathing space financially. We don't charge him rent or bills. He pays for his own food and does his own cooking. However I usually have to clean up behind him or sort out his washing as it's just left everywhere. Every other weekend he has his daughter (granddaughter) visit for 2 nights - and I usually end up doing the bathing, bedtime routine and babysitting for her whilst he goes out for the evening. I get no lie-in on those weekends because she comes to me to make her brekkie, etc. This weekend I put my foot down and didn't - suddenly I don't love my granddaughter anymore, according to him. Not to mention the piles of toys around the house because we are short of storage space for them.

My DD is better, she does things in spurts but thinks once she's done a few tasks she doesn't need to do anything for the rest of the month and constantly reminds me of when she cleaned the last time.

My youngest is disabled and is making good progress with her life and independence skills, does the dishwasher 2 nights a week, works hard to keep to her personal welfare routine and generally makes no mess outside her bedroom.

Recently I said I was going to put up a cleaning rota because I was sick of living in a pigsty and needed more order back in the house. I was met with rebellion and offers to pay for a cleaner. I can afford a cleaner, but I want my kids to tidy up after themselves and I'm happy to tidy up after myself. I just feel they are really, really lazy and don't understand the importance of personal responsibility and being responsible for the mess they create in their lives, whether it's refuse or something else.

Hubby works away and even when he was home he was 50/50 with everything that needed doing in the house before DS came home. So this situation is alien to me and is driving me nuts! I'm just constantly moaning about the state of the house and it's met with 'it's your house' or 'your'e the mum in the house'.

AIBU to enforce this rota today and if they don't like it then they can find somewhere else to live? No matter how many hours a week I do it always feels dirty/unkempt with a never-ending view of mess from my kids, it's bad for my mental health and it just feels like they are taking me for granted, disrespecting me and don't understand the commitments I've got going on in my life that need my time and attention. Those commitments are suffering because of the time it takes to keep the house from falling into a rotten mess.

Or should I just suck it up as part of being a mother with kids at home?

Sod the cleaning rota. The 2 adults move out... immediately. They can share a house together!

Your DS in particular is absolutely taking the pis out of you. No rent, you clean up after him, you babysit his child and he then moans at YOU for not parenting her in his stead? Off he pops!

Your DD is also showing her disrespect. So, as an adult, she can move out and live in her own pigsty! If she doesn't like it you can rethink her current arrangements. Rent, chores and a healthy mental attitude are the basics she needs to tale on board!

On the mean time, yes, diligent use of black bin bags and 'fuck you!' attitude is required. You have to be consistent EVERY single out of place item gets put into the appropriate bedroom! On the beds if you don't want to ruin your carpets! And your GDDs toys go into boxes, in your DSs room. ALL OF THEM!

They obviously don't understand that you are a woman of your word, sht that door on them. Show them you mean to reclaim your home, your health and your non slave status!

Then sit down and wonder what it was you did differently with your youngest... and smile

They do revert when they come home. DS lived away for six years, came home met a lovely girl, they bought a flat. They were here for six weeks while work was done on the property. Nearly drove me mental, cups plates everywhere, clothes, shoes, bags dumped.

My future DIL kept her own place immaculate before she met my DS but his lazy habits rubbed off on her. Once they had their own place she lowered the boom.

Time to lower the boom. Take rent money, put it into an account for DS. Do as everyone has said above. You have not mentioned your other adult child just the one with a child. Did you let the other adult DS get away with it before

You know when they say - Its your house?

The answer is - yes it is mine, and these are MY RULES, and the stuff is YOUR STUFF lying around in MY SPACE.

Don't go for a cleaner, that is once a week, and they need to do it every day.

Oh, and START CHARGING RENT!!!

Good for you, OP - stick to your guns. Hope your rota helps, and don't let them walk all over you. You deserve better from the people who love you.

Good for you Sparkle - just make sure it is enforced with consequences!

A rota may work but I would get the adult kids to pay for a cleaner to start off - then a rota for the stuff cleaners don't do eg dishwasher and everyone does their own laundry. Your ds should not be going out with his friends on the weekend his dd visits except in exceptional circumstances. If they want to live in a hotel they need to move out into one. I bought washing baskets etc for my adult dc's rooms on their 18th birthdays!

They’re right - it is YOUR house.
Being tidy, respectful, considerate housemates is the cost of living in it.
If you want them to follow your rota then they need to believe that you will ask them to leave.

Absolutely appalled on your behalf! The first paragraph of your post reads like you have two, stroppy teenagers in the house. Like you've been informed by them - it's your house.
Starting with your DS - how much financial breathing space does he need, and for how long? He's had a few months of no rent, no bills, can afford takeaways, can socialise at the weekends + who offered to pay for a cleaner?
So ironic - you wouldn't need a cleaner if it wasn't for him and his lazy sibling.
To add insult to injury, he "guilt trips" you about your Granddaughter.
He, and your daughter need to be told, not asked. When your husband is home, you need to enlist his support.
I'm all for helping family, but as other posters have stated, both of them are seriously lazy and disrespectful - even more so if you've been in bad health.
Good Luck

Great that you have created the rota.
Why is your son going out when his daughter is staying the weekend? He should be at home with her as she is his responsibility, not yours.
It's outrageous of him to suggest you don't love your gd because you don't want to spend the whole weekend looking after her!

By not charging them rent, you're reinforcing the idea that they are dependent children living with their mum. They're adults. They should be paying rent and while you might think that you're doing them a favour you're actually just enabling selfish behaviour and a sense of entitlement.

Did they not have chores when they were children? I'd tell them that have a choice: start acting like adults and clear up after themselves, clean the bathroom when they've left it in a state and do their own washing. Or find somewhere else to stay. How dare they treat you like this? I feel quite outraged on your behalf.

I do agree that handling your son with kid gloves after the difficulties of his break up has enabled him somewhat. But he’s a grown man, a father in fact, and you need to make it clear you will no longer put up with him. Your house isn’t a hotel. Your adult DD needs to understand that too.

Also, leaving granny to look after his DD when he gets pissed with his mates? And not making his own child breakfast? Absolutely zero excuse. He sees her EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. That’s 2 days, and he can’t even be bothered to perform basic parental tasks. How will his poor DD grow up knowing her dad can’t be arsed with her? It’s shitty parenting.

Your adult ds goes out on his weekends when he has his daughter?? And leaves you to care for her?? And emotionally blackmails you when you say no??

I'd get him out sharpish.

Go on strike for a few days if they won't do the rota. That'll learn em!

If you go down the rota route, and it's worth a go, you also need a deadline and if it's not being done specifically as you wish, then they both have to move out. Cheeky bastards, they really are both taking the piss.

A lot of people go through difficult break ups, it's no excuse for turning into a spoilt brat and expecting to be waited on, or offloading parenting. If he's up to fucking off out of a weekend night he's up to stacking the bloody dishwasher and putting his own child to bed. He barely sees her, what on earth is he playing at offloading bed, bath and breakfast to anyone else? I'm embarrassed for him.

You are being treated like a mug,when does your son plan to contribute financially or is he just loving being a free single, no responsibilities dad happy to palm his daughter into his mother? What a catch!

Everyone needs to chip in. I reckon once they go to secondary school then they are old enough to be handed any chore in the house.

I've taken all of your points on board and can see this has been my own doing. I should not have enabled him to stay here rent free at I should have persisted with getting him to help out. I'm actually embarrassed for myself at how this situation has developed.

So, the rota has been created and has been emailed out with a reminder of non-negotiable house rules, a little reminder of what the going rate is for a room without bills in our area and the clarification that if they can't pull their weight and I can't see a difference by end of February then they can find somewhere else to live.

I thought I would feel bad issuing that ultimatum but over the last year or so I've also learned that I am allowed to live my life without being encumbered by others so the ultimatum feels justified.

Going to be interesting tonight!

And I copied in DH!

Well done op. I hope it works out well for all of you.

Too late now but I'd not have done a rota. I'd have said "I am making it part of the deal of you both staying here that you do all of the housework. I'm doing nothing except my own laundry and cooking. Organise between yourselves how you split the work."

Good for you.

The comment that you are the "Mum of the house" had me steaming! Ask your 'D'S how he'd feel if it was his daughter on the receiving end of that comment? The sexist prick.

Stand firm. And any moaning should be met with the statement that if it carries on you'll put a public facebook post up detailing exactly how entitled, selfish and lazy they are - because presumably if they are happy to argue with you, then they'd also be happy for all of their friends and colleagues to see how they behave at home?

You’ve done the right thing, they are adults they should be ashamed of themselves.

I can understand why you suggest that TowelNumber42 but nothing would get done. They would just leave it then fight about it. I can't have that type of friction in the home because of my younger one.

Fingers crossed that it has the desired effect, Sparkle.