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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To impose a cleaning rota on my adult children?

109 replies

SparkleSoiree · 28/01/2019 10:13

This is long, sorry.

At the end of my tether. All I seem to do is put on the dishwasher, clean the kitchen down, hoover the house through, sort and push through all the washing, empty bins around the house, sorting out the recycling, dusting, pick things up off the floor, put things back in kid's rooms, take dishes out of their room, trip over their shoes, trip over their clothes, pick up piles of takeaway cartons, clean the bathroom daily (which is always really mucky because of DS's job). Forget the fact I'm doing a degree, run a business and trying to improve my own physical wellbeing after a spate of ill health.

I am sick of it.

I have 3. Two adult children and one who's still junior school age. DS moved back in to our spare room a few months back after the breakdown of his marriage to get some breathing space financially. We don't charge him rent or bills. He pays for his own food and does his own cooking. However I usually have to clean up behind him or sort out his washing as it's just left everywhere. Every other weekend he has his daughter (granddaughter) visit for 2 nights - and I usually end up doing the bathing, bedtime routine and babysitting for her whilst he goes out for the evening. I get no lie-in on those weekends because she comes to me to make her brekkie, etc. This weekend I put my foot down and didn't - suddenly I don't love my granddaughter anymore, according to him. Not to mention the piles of toys around the house because we are short of storage space for them.

My DD is better, she does things in spurts but thinks once she's done a few tasks she doesn't need to do anything for the rest of the month and constantly reminds me of when she cleaned the last time.

My youngest is disabled and is making good progress with her life and independence skills, does the dishwasher 2 nights a week, works hard to keep to her personal welfare routine and generally makes no mess outside her bedroom.

Recently I said I was going to put up a cleaning rota because I was sick of living in a pigsty and needed more order back in the house. I was met with rebellion and offers to pay for a cleaner. I can afford a cleaner, but I want my kids to tidy up after themselves and I'm happy to tidy up after myself. I just feel they are really, really lazy and don't understand the importance of personal responsibility and being responsible for the mess they create in their lives, whether it's refuse or something else.

Hubby works away and even when he was home he was 50/50 with everything that needed doing in the house before DS came home. So this situation is alien to me and is driving me nuts! I'm just constantly moaning about the state of the house and it's met with 'it's your house' or 'your'e the mum in the house'.

AIBU to enforce this rota today and if they don't like it then they can find somewhere else to live? No matter how many hours a week I do it always feels dirty/unkempt with a never-ending view of mess from my kids, it's bad for my mental health and it just feels like they are taking me for granted, disrespecting me and don't understand the commitments I've got going on in my life that need my time and attention. Those commitments are suffering because of the time it takes to keep the house from falling into a rotten mess.

Or should I just suck it up as part of being a mother with kids at home?

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/01/2019 14:34

In all honesty I'd not expect my kids to pay rent. Apart from the fact that my mortgage costs the same whether they are here or not, once they pay rent they start thinking it's their right to leave the house in a mess because they've paid.
You are totally right to insist they clean up after themselves, contribute financially to the extra utility bills they are running up and especially that your son stops dumping his parenting responsibility onto you.
Whatever the reason for his marriage breakup, there's no excuse for leaving her care to you and pissing off out, when he has her for only 2 days in every 14.

Grace212 · 28/01/2019 14:34

I see Sparkle, that sounds odd. Def be careful, he's already taking the piss using you for babysitting.

Charles11 · 28/01/2019 14:36

A cleaner is not a magician. They’ll still have to cook, clean and do laundry on a day to day basis.
So they might not have to clean bathrooms, Hoover and mop thoroughly but they’ll still need to pull their weight.

If they’ve got money Spare, maybe that can go towards household bills and into a takeaway pot?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/01/2019 14:38

I wouldn't get a cleaner either - again it just lets them think they can do nothing because they are paying.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 28/01/2019 14:47

The OP would only require a cleaner because there are two, lazy, disrespectful, free-loading adults staying, in what they have referred to as "her house". Why would anyone, voluntarily, enable that behaviour? That's without starting about her Granddaughter.

TightPants · 28/01/2019 14:52

Also, cleaners don’t tidy. They clean.

How is a cleaner supposed to know where every bit of crap lying around belongs?

Sexnotgender · 28/01/2019 14:56

Glad you’ve issued your rota and ultimatum. Ridiculous that it got to that though! Stand firm they are both taking the piss.

steppemum · 28/01/2019 15:31

cleaner - comes maybe once a week and does cleaning that needs doing about once a week, eg clean bathroom, hoover house, dust, clean stove.

They do not remove all of the scattered belonging first to clean, or sort them and return them to the correct room.

On a daily basis, a house with 5 people in it needs a lot doing that isn't 'cleaning'
laundry,
daily cooking and washing up
tidying up scattered belongings
putting rubbish in bin eg take aways
taking dirty cups, glasses and plates down to the kitchen

the Ops children aren't doing any of these. A cleaner really doesn't solve it

Surfingtheweb · 28/01/2019 16:14

It's definitely time for the rota!! They are taking advantage of you.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 29/01/2019 08:41

Update OP?

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 05/02/2019 13:11

update

So for the first four days of the rota my daughters were very good, no complaining from either of them and they even enjoyed knowing what days things were expected of them. DD (18) could plan her calendar and younger DD, who has always tried to help in her own way, is learning new organisation and independence skills, although she still needs me to support her in doing so.

DS, however, did nothing for the first five days. I said in my original email that I would give it until end of Feb and if nothing changed then the living situation would, so I was really disappointed that he seemed to fall short at the very first week. On Saturday I very calmly asked him if he cared. He said he did and I said he had to start showing it immediately or else he will have to find somewhere else to live by the end of this week. Not sure what happened but he's done a total turnaround and has been following the rota plus other things like picking up behind himself or ensuring all his things are in his room. He is also now looking at finding his own place because I think he realises it's time for him to be responsible for himself. He's had his time to deal with his matrimonial and financial matters and those are nearly concluded so perhaps my insistence on this rota has been the catalyst for him to take the next step in his life.

Overall, I'm not tripping over toys, washing isn't piled up now, dishes are being done regularly and the house is already more pleasant to be in because it doesn't feel like chaos. More importantly, my children are learning that they have to play their part in the world, regardless of age, disability, gender or relationship.

Thank you all for your encouragement, it's really helped my family and we're all much happier. Flowers

OP posts:
Linguaphile · 05/02/2019 13:18

Yanbu. They need to grow up and either pull their weight or move out.

Tinty · 05/02/2019 13:18

What a great update, hopefully they will all carry on and when they get their own places they will have understand that they have to look after themselves and life will be better for them.

I am glad your house is tidier now again OP, you can actually enjoy being at home again.

It will also be much better for your DGD if her DDad is stepping up to his responsibilities.

MariaNovella · 05/02/2019 13:25

You have my sympathies OP. I am struggling this year with a DC who has returned for a year between his undergraduate degree and his Masters. He literally doesn’t lift a finger to tidy or clean up after himself and all his meals and laundry are done as part of the rest of the family’s (and it would be impossible to manage any other way).

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2019 13:28

Well done OP - great update.
Glad things are getting better for you.

PregnantSea · 05/02/2019 14:13

Why on earth have you allowed this? It's ridiculous. I'm sorry OP but you've brought this on yourself. Just let the kids know that they can do their part around the house or go and live somewhere else. And mean it!

Charles11 · 05/02/2019 15:10

Fab update. Well done.

Parky04 · 05/02/2019 16:30

He goes out whilst you look after his daughter! Sod that. He can go out the weekend he doesn't have her. No wonder his relationship has broken down. You need to be tougher, put some rules in place and mean it!

TightPants · 05/02/2019 18:37

Oh god Hmm
Will people please read the damn thread, or at least OP’s updates?

Great news Sparkle handled like a pro!

Original poster
SparkleSoiree · 05/02/2019 19:58
Grin

Thanks tinty hellsbellsmelons charles11 and Tightpants. I feel like we've all pulled together - great feeling.

MariaNovella I wouldn't have believed this rota would have worked if I hadn't had a straight talking to on this thread but it seems to be working. Give it a try!

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/02/2019 20:08

I like the shoving all their stuff in tubs idea. It's not as harsh as chucking stuff out but will force them to be tidy and even if it doesn't, it will make you feel better having clear space.

Yes you are the mum. But they are grown up children. And it's your house, so you make the rules. If your older daughter hadn't ever moved out I can understand its actually sometimes hard to know what it takes to keep a house going. But there is M excuse about your son. I fear it will be difficult to change his mind - he is bring v hypocritical to suggest you don't love your GD any more for not providing free childcare when he can't be arsed to look after her 2 days in 14 - what does that say about his feelings towards her? And if it's the parents 'job' to clear up, why isn't he doing it for his daughter?

I'd try the rota. I'd consult them all together and try and get a bit of buy in about what jobs they would prefer

WineAndTiramisu · 05/02/2019 20:22

Glad things have improved! Just watch that it doesn't slide after a few weeks Grin

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2019 20:23

👍 well done OP! You’re doing the right thing for you and all of them.

NoSquirrels · 06/02/2019 14:29

Great update!

bigbluebus · 06/02/2019 14:46

Glad it is woriking out better OP. My DS similarly thinks I'm here to pick up after him - although he doesn't leave things spread out around the house., and he will cook when he's here. He's away at Uni now and I did laugh to myself when visiting him as he and his GF complained that one of their housemates wasn't following the rota to take her turn at cleaning the bathroom!