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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why we are being left out?

104 replies

pantyclaws · 28/01/2019 08:59

DH has two siblings and they spent Christmas with his parents - we've not seen them since mid December. He's since found out that everyone in his family except for him has spent the weekend together twice this month (they don't live near each other). This happened quite a few times last year as well. It's very rare for DH to see any of them without the others, maybe once or twice a year.

I get that parents might want one on one time with their adult children, but it is so heavily skewed in the other siblings' favour I know this isn't about that just that.

DH is crushed by this, and his already low self-esteem is taking a battering. If his own family don't want to spend time with him, who does?

I'm conscious it might be an issue with me or with DCs, not him.

AIBU to ask one of them if there's a reason behind this? I suggested to DH he does this and he agrees but "never gets around" to it.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 28/01/2019 09:04

Can your DH take the initiative and invite all or some of the family to your home for lunch/a weekend whatever? Perhaps they are waiting for a invitation?

Porridgeoat · 28/01/2019 09:05

Yes your DH needs to take the initiative and invite others over

bridgetreilly · 28/01/2019 09:06

Well, is it the siblings organising it or the parents? How often does DH invite his parents to spend time with your family? Does he ever initiate visits?

arethereanyleftatall · 28/01/2019 09:06

I'm afraid none of us on here are going to know why, the only thing you do is ask them, or like the above poster says, invite them to yours.

Original poster
pantyclaws · 28/01/2019 09:06

We do invite them / suggest a visit but it is very rare they take us up on it. Part of the problem is that we don't have the room to put them up. We don't mind making space / sharing rooms and bathrooms etc but they do.

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 28/01/2019 09:07

Do you ever invite them to do things? Go on weekends away? Is it the parents and the other two siblings and all their families going?

Shockers · 28/01/2019 09:09

Do the siblings have partners and children?

RangeRider · 28/01/2019 09:09

Do you ever ask to go visit them? Maybe the siblings invite themselves over? I can understand them not being keen on staying at yours (maybe they like their own space, don't like sharing bathrooms etc.) but would happily see you if you went to theirs and just need you to be proactive on that.

PopCakes · 28/01/2019 09:11

I don't think DH taking the initiative to invite them. Whether or not he does that he's still being excluded from their meetings and he wants to know why. Unless you have a close relationship with one of DH's siblings or their partners I think he needs to ask them himself as it will be more likely to get an honest response.

Returnofthesmileybar · 28/01/2019 09:14

We need more info really, is it his parents visiting a sibling and their family on our end weekend and then on another weekend visiting the other sibling and their family. Do the siblings have big houses where everyone fits in nicely whereas you have to squash up and they can't afford a hotel. Do you all get along with the parents the same?

Ragwort · 28/01/2019 09:18

Are the other siblings sisters? Sometimes adult daughters just get on better with parents than adult sons, I probably spend a lot more time with my parents than my brothers and their families do, not because we don’t like each other but have more in common perhaps or maybe the female is more used to taking the lead in making the social arrangements? One of my brothers spends loads of time with his wife’s family.

FFSFFSFFS · 28/01/2019 09:24

What are the family dynamics? Is there a chance he's the family scapegoat?

PinkPaeonies · 28/01/2019 09:29

Why do you think the reason might be you or your DC ?

Original poster
pantyclaws · 28/01/2019 09:31

Yes the siblings are female.

Yes one of them has DC.

Meeting is often driven by PILs (but probably reciprocated). When we are there all together she often gets out the diary to schedule in the next meeting - with them. Much less us!

DH works v long hours so can only visit on weekends, whereas DSIL does not work much so has more free time to see them.

They look after their other GC regularly too. They have looked after one of ours once, in an emergency.

The relationship is slightly strained between DH and PIL, but IMO this is because he's always been treated as lesser and sometimes gets a lot of negativity directed at him. Recently though MIL has made more effort with him and I thought things were getting better.

SILs fit MIL's expectations better - wealthier, more exciting / glamorous jobs and lifestyles

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 28/01/2019 09:33

Do you live near the parents OP (I can see in your post that the siblings don't live near to each other).

It does sound as if they meet up as a group, you say your DH has only met them a couple of times without his siblings being present but the siblings have never done that by what you've said there.

Stereomum · 28/01/2019 09:36

My Dh was treated like this, he has now gone NC and couldn't be happier.

cptartapp · 28/01/2019 09:37

I knew they'd be his sisters. No advice but similar experiences and favouritism that extends to the grandchildren. Very hurtful.

Original poster
pantyclaws · 28/01/2019 09:47

Why do you think the reason might be you or your DC ?

Good question - our DC are a bit younger and aren't massively easy, they wake up early, have some food restrictions which makes them a bit harder to cook for and our style of parenting (erring on gentle - BF, not doing CIO) is different. They won't always go to PIL for cuddles etc (mostly because they don't see them much! Same with my DPs who we don't see much either mostly due to distance / their lack of enthusiasm).

Why it might be me? Once or twice I've said something (nothing particularly harsh and calmly as I can muster) when MIL has been extremely rude to DH to defend him. I also once cried when she was rude to me about my parenting, during a time when she knew we were really struggling.

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 28/01/2019 09:48

Is there a chance that the meet ups are happening organically - because they are there more, they arrange more together.

His two options as I see it is either to visit more and to build a better relationship with his family or just accept that as adults his sisters have developed an adult/friend relationship with his parents that he hasn't and that he has no interest in.

Original poster
pantyclaws · 28/01/2019 09:48

They are actually meant to be looking after DC for a day soon (second time we've asked in 6 years), and this is making me wish we had other options! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pantyclaws · 28/01/2019 09:50

Is there a chance that the meet ups are happening organically - because they are there more, they arrange more together.

Possibly, but surely it wouldn't be hard to go "oh shall we see if X are free and can come too?"

Back to my original question I'm still not sure if I am AIBU to ask...

I would ask one of the SIL who I feel does care about us.

OP posts:
storynanny · 28/01/2019 09:52

Around the other way to you but one of my 3 sons, the eldest who lives overseas with his wife and baby. Facetime once since Christmas, no invitations, inlaws over at moment for 4 weeks and all going on holiday together. When they come to uk they always stay with inlaws and I am granted a one day visit.
No falling out, no idea why Im sidelined. Hurts like hellbut I have to suck it up.
I feel for your husband, random unexplained exclusion is awful.

SassitudeandSparkle · 28/01/2019 09:54

So just to clarify, you do not live near to the PIL? The siblings live closer?

CarolDanvers · 28/01/2019 09:55

I've yet to hear of a family where everyone was getting on all at the same time and there wasn't one member who wasn't a bit of a scapegoat. I'm sure I will be argued with about that but it's my experience. My own parents love a common enemy and at the minute it's my turn and they've roped my sister on too. They always have one family member they're not talking to or has offended them and this can go on for years. So tiresome. Is it like that in his family do you think?

As for childcare, you do have options. You have to accept that there is no one and just get on with it round that. I'm not being harsh I am a single parent and have had no helpful childcare in a decade.

IdleBetty · 28/01/2019 09:59

I know somebody who has gone NC with his parents due to this. Sisters (and their children) always favoured, brothers (and their children) ignored. I didn't realise it was quite common.