To ask why we are being left out?

[pantyclaws]

DH has two siblings and they spent Christmas with his parents - we've not seen them since mid December. He's since found out that everyone in his family except for him has spent the weekend together twice this month (they don't live near each other). This happened quite a few times last year as well. It's very rare for DH to see any of them without the others, maybe once or twice a year.

I get that parents might want one on one time with their adult children, but it is so heavily skewed in the other siblings' favour I know this isn't about that just that.

DH is crushed by this, and his already low self-esteem is taking a battering. If his own family don't want to spend time with him, who does?

I'm conscious it might be an issue with me or with DCs, not him.

AIBU to ask one of them if there's a reason behind this? I suggested to DH he does this and he agrees but "never gets around" to it.

Thanks @Bluntness - I don't think we are unpleasant to be around? Not sure where you got whingeing, making comments about anyone's parenting styles (that's not us doing that!), intolerant etc from?

I'm slightly wary of the DC realising they are not the favourites as they get older though.
I don’t bring you are being fair to anyone if you set this thought up already, the relationship is bound to fail.

I think you need to ask you dh does he want a closer relationship with them? Was he happy with the relationship before he heard about things he’d missed out on or is he only now interested in developing the relationship now he’s seen that his sister have been meeting up and feels left out as there is a difference.

just remembered MIL also once said that mothers are naturally closer to their daughters' children

I don’t necessarily think that should be taken as a negative, I have 2 boys and think it natural that their children may have a closer relationship with their potential wife’s mum but that’s not to say they won’t have a loving relationship with me. But I think it naive to think otherwise. Maybe she said it to justify to herself why they don’t see you much rather than how she’s wants the relationship to be.

We get similar. DH parents live pretty much bang in the centre between us and DH brother. His parents go and see his brother pretty much every month. We get visited for our ds's birthday only once a year.

aquaviv that's crap, is his brother single and childless? I wonder if they feel like he needs more support?

Tbh I'm still hurting from a couple of years ago when DH wrote to his parents saying what a hard time we were going through and that we desperately needed help. And nothing happened. MIL didn't even respond to or mention DH's email.

It seems oddly formal to write to your parents in these circumstances? Why didn’t your DH go and talk to his parents direct, and at the very least if he didn’t get a reply follow it up with a visit or phone call? It seems that he isn’t making it particularly easy either. What sort of help were you asking for?

Update - spoke to DH last night and he said he doesn't think there is much point in asking as he thinks we would just be fobbed off with an excuse even if there was a real issue.

Thinking back to the last time we saw them, DH did get a bit upset and annoyed over an issue they kept trying to push that he's particularly sensitive about. Personally I think they were in the wrong as DH said he didn't want to talk about it and they kept pushing until he ended up snapping at them. There was no reason to discuss the issue - it wasn't to do with their concern over his well-being or anything like that, and it's very much felt like a dig from the off. They did make up afterwards, instigated by DH, and he came away feeling really positive as he felt like they had had a bit of a break through.

Anyway I wonder if that might be at the root of this latest round of being left out.

Ragwort he put it in an email as it was too hard for him to express face to face. He was also apologizing for not having seen much of them for the past year and explaining the (very valid) reasons why, and saying how he hoped things would get better.

Telephones work both ways, so stop the weekly phone call and see how long it takesthemto contact you

This with bells on. I am 12 or so years on, still waiting for a relative to call me after I quit calling them. I can't even remember the comment made that made me decide to never call them again, it's been that long.

OP
If you really want to know and can take it on the chin if it's some reason you don't like, then ask.
Or your options are he makes a huge effort for quite some time to see if it improves or go low or no contact.
Forget about children not having gp. Mine had none and they don't notice.

Entirely understandable that you and your DH feel hurt by this, it IS hurtful!! I am surprised that the SIL with children isn't trying to get together with you so the cousins get to know each other (unless there is a very big gap in ages). Hard to know what to advise, you want them to show you some consideration and invite you because they want to see you and not because you have tackled them about it.

So when your MIL had a go at you, both SILs defended you? So you get on fine with them but just aren't close? Why aren't you spending time with them separately to parents?

Honestly, it sounds like DH just isn't close to his family. I get the impression that it's more the feeling of being last rather than actually wanting to spend time with them that bothers you both. Because you don't really like your MIL and it's awkward and DH doesn't enjoy speaking to her on the phone and gets wound up when they spend time with you arguing and he has to send awkward emails (asking for financial help?).

And your SILs are both close and live in the same town and actually all seem to get along.

I experienced this for most of my life with my own family and it only became even more obvious when a husband and children came along. I'd hoped that giving them grandchildren would strengthen the bond and that my children being the same age as my sister's would result in positive relationships for them, having several relatives to share life experiences with. Unfortunately, we were and are still renting and don't earn enough for new cars or fabulous holidays, so we were rejected en masse. Don't continue to flog yourself or search for excuses or reasons for them and their behaviour, if you've already tried and failed. Some people are simply that shallow, no matter how much you love them you'll never quite be good enough. Of course they won't admit their reasons for not including your family, who wants to admit they're outrageous snobs? Save your energy and make so many fantastic memories with your little family, that grandparents or the lack of them won't even cross their minds. When it's your turn, you'll make the best grandparents their children could wish for, because your children's experience of what family is about will be very different from yours and your husband's.

He isn't a middle child by any chance, is he?

Sorry OP you have posted on the wrong board and are getting some pretty shitty responses! I would ask MN to move your post to the relationship board. Your dh might be interested in the ‘they took me to stately homes’ thread.

It is incredibly sad that your dh is being excluded this way by his entire family. Is your dh say an introvert in a family of extroverts? Or is he a scapegoat to two golden child sisters? Is your MIL or FIL narcissistic at all? I suggest your dh reads Susan Forwards ‘Toxic parents’ she also has a book called ‘Toxic inlaws’ both books are excellent.

I would focus on building up your dh’s self esteem and making sure that your dh knows that you love him- so build up strong bonds between your dh and your dc and strengthen your marriage and let him know that you appreciate him and are proud of him. My dh and I have been nc with his family for 7 years and that’s what we focussed on, our marriage and our dc and dh is so much happier than he has ever been, his self esteem has soared since he no longer has parents making him feel awful about himself.

DH is crushed by this, and his already low self-esteem is taking a battering. If his own family don't want to spend time with him, who does?

You! You guys do.. his wife and his children. At the end of the day, you’re who really matter. Yes in a storybook world, extended families all get along splendidly. In reality? Less so. Just keep extending the invitations and reassure DH that your little family unit is all you both really need. And it is.

Most likely pil keep in touch more with his siblings because they are daughters. Sad but sometimes this happens.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser

A lot of your post is very interesting. DH is the youngest, is introverted and has always just had to fit in from what I can work out.

I think MIL could be slightly narc but I don't know much about it? She had a difficult childhood in some ways, with very emotionally unavailable parents. These are a few unusual things I've noticed...

She is impressed by status or celebrity and talks a lot about friends' children who earn a lot of money or have high powered jobs or famous people she has met.

She doesn't like it when we haven't "liked" her social media posts and talks about it a lot

She vocally dislikes anything that DH does that is different to how she would do it eg what he wears, his beliefs, his social life etc - unless it has currency in terms of status

Everyone typically walks around on eggshells or "leaves things" so as not to cause a scene by speaking one's mind. She doesn't deal at all well with criticism or confrontation

She's had dramatic fallings out with a few good friends (they've effectively dumped her).

She is THE best friend to people who are ill. Almost to a fault. If someone is seriously unwell she'll spend a lot of time and effort on them.

She seems to like the idea of seeing our DC but in reality tires of them very quickly and would rather be doing something else after a few minutes (maybe that's normal)

Is this narc or strange? I'm not sure.

I'll make extra effort to make sure DH knows he's loved and appreciated. He does so much for our family.

Do you or your DH actually like spending time with them?

It's hard as parents are supposed to love us unconditionally, have our backs and support us. But it doesn't sound like your DH's do, so perhaps expect less from them.

pantyclaws you are describing a narcissistic Mother to the T! My MIL is a narcissist with delusions of grandeur and she actually said to my dh when we were first together ‘How could you, she’s from a council house’ - I actually lived in my parents four bedroom ex housing association mortgaged house but she was utterly horrified. I’m well educated, better spoken than she is and an ex primary teacher. Clearly only royalty would be good enough for my lovely hardworking dh!

Have a look at these links, I also definitely think that you and your dh would benefit from the books- Toxic parents and Toxic inlaws as I mentioned above:

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/9741.php

thenarcissisticlife.com/do-i-have-a-narcissistic-mother-21-signs-of-a-narcissistic-mother

lonerwolf.com/narcissistic-mother-father/

www.lifehack.org/571802/signs-narcissistic-mother-its-not-easy-spot

Wow the mumsnet community aren’t being very supportive or tolerant to your very valid question and concerns. I’m so sorry this is happening. I’m the scapegoat in my family, and my psychologist once said that when parents push out one child, they often feel the need to better their relationship with the other child/children to convince themselves that it’s the obviously the scapegoats fault, because look at their perfect relationship with the other children.
I really struggle with the fact that my so called mother has nothing to do with my 2 daughters but will happily spend time with her other grandchildren. (We all live in the same town) so I really feel for you.

Completely agree with @fruitbrewhaha

YANBU to want to ask, but I agree with DH that you might not get a straight answer anyway

Have you got a reason to see one of the siblings on their own, the sort of occasion where you can casually ask a SIL about the last meet up and see how they react? So it isn't a Big Thing to ask the question

Sounds like there are some real issues here. I think if I were you I would just try to organize meeting up with one or both sil families without the pils. You might mention to sil something like 'saw on Facebook you guys met up, if we'd have known we would have liked to come ' and see what she says but it sounds like it's probably a mixture of awkwardness that isn't very easy to talk about so you probably won't get a very helpful response.

I want to suggest again that you report your post and ask MN to move it over to the relationships board, where you will find the stately homes thread, as well as those of us with experience of narcissistic in-laws/ parents.

Just ask why. There's no way round it..