To ask why we are being left out?

[pantyclaws]

DH has two siblings and they spent Christmas with his parents - we've not seen them since mid December. He's since found out that everyone in his family except for him has spent the weekend together twice this month (they don't live near each other). This happened quite a few times last year as well. It's very rare for DH to see any of them without the others, maybe once or twice a year.

I get that parents might want one on one time with their adult children, but it is so heavily skewed in the other siblings' favour I know this isn't about that just that.

DH is crushed by this, and his already low self-esteem is taking a battering. If his own family don't want to spend time with him, who does?

I'm conscious it might be an issue with me or with DCs, not him.

AIBU to ask one of them if there's a reason behind this? I suggested to DH he does this and he agrees but "never gets around" to it.

DH is crushed by this, and his already low self-esteem is taking a battering.

Yet he can't make the effort to talk to his Mum a minimum of once a week or return her call until he feels 'ready'. Surely you can see that there is a correlation with the phone calls and the invites?

I'm not quite sure why you are so keen to spend time with them? You don't seem to like the MIL much, DH doesn't enjoy phone chats to them, and meet-ups bring up issues. I think they just naturally don't get on as well with him as with his siblings and that's just life. But things can change. Maybe they will be great GPs when your DC are older?

It sounds so fraught anyway. Could you maybe try and recalibrate the relationship by suggesting a 'fun' meet up, lunch and a nice walk, and try and have a nice time. Or just accept the relationship for what it is, OK but not great.

DH is crushed by this, and his already low self-esteem is taking a battering.

Yet he can't make the effort to talk to his Mum a minimum of once a week or return her call until he feels 'ready'. Surely you can see that there is a correlation with the phone calls and the invites?

Or maybe, his DM is an arsehole, who is cruel and makes him feel like shit every time he talks to her, yet all his life he has been seeking her love and approval.

OP, it could be that DH's DM is beyond help. That this relationship is never going to be as either of you hope. In which case, low contact would be sensible, and put your energies into finding people who are kind and nice to be around. Perhaps there are some people where you live who are in a similar position and you can support each other, maybe an older couple who didn't have children or whose GCs are abroad and you can adopt each other.

Some counselling for DH would be good too.

Or maybe, his DM is an arsehole, who is cruel and makes him feel like shit every time he talks to her, yet all his life he has been seeking her love and approval.

Maybe. Who knows. Neither you or I do. It is a complex family situation.

I was just thinking that if he desperately wants that type of relationship despite how she treats him, more phone calls and calling her back might be the way to get invited to family gatherings.