To ask why we are being left out?

[pantyclaws]

DH has two siblings and they spent Christmas with his parents - we've not seen them since mid December. He's since found out that everyone in his family except for him has spent the weekend together twice this month (they don't live near each other). This happened quite a few times last year as well. It's very rare for DH to see any of them without the others, maybe once or twice a year.

I get that parents might want one on one time with their adult children, but it is so heavily skewed in the other siblings' favour I know this isn't about that just that.

DH is crushed by this, and his already low self-esteem is taking a battering. If his own family don't want to spend time with him, who does?

I'm conscious it might be an issue with me or with DCs, not him.

AIBU to ask one of them if there's a reason behind this? I suggested to DH he does this and he agrees but "never gets around" to it.

I’m in favour of the direct approach and would ask them outright, it could be that they’ve not realised they are excluding him but I do doubt it.

I would ask for them to be honest it makes everything less complicated and then at least you’ll know, it will also highlight to them that the exclusion has been noted and your not afraid to ask why?

I reckon it’s partially the kids. I’m really sorry to sound harsh, but if your children are younger, and you do gentle parenting I suspect that the PILs just don’t want to spend time with them.

Some people, especially those who have not had young kids for a long time, just do not want to hang out with children who they perceive as being naughty, especially if they also blame parents’ child rearing techniques.

It may be as they see eachother more, without realizing it coming up with ideas for the next get together and it's just transpired from there. So as said DH (and even you) needs to take the intitive, invite to yours, day trip out or meeting at a restaurat midway.

My DH is one of three. His sister is very socialable and for that reason we see a lot more of her family, as she's always saying pop in, have a meal together, go for a walk. It doesn't mean we think anything less of the others.

It may not be helpful but DH has similar. They have got slightly better as time has gone on but we are still a bit on a limb. I just accept it but DH still finds it hurtful, naturally.

The interesting thing is that my eldest is a teenager and they have teenagers. She is now asking questions - why do we only see them on x date and they see one another all the time? You get it all on Social Media, too - lysm, can't wait to see you again.

In time, maybe, if you don't say something, your kids will and they will be forced to wake up and smell the coffee. My DD ended up texting their girls, asking if she could see them and they ended up pestering their parents.

My sympathy to you OP. It sounds like they are being unfair and as a pp said extending their favouritism towards the grandchildren.

Posters here are not being very sympathetic at all. I am sure that there are no problems with your parenting. Also, I understand how hurtful it is to your DH and to you.

I guess that you really only have three options:

1. Confront them with it (appropriate time and manner, etc.) but essentially make it clear how hurtful it is for you as a family. Be prepared for the fallout.
2. Carry on as before. Inviting them, trying to get included, but just getting the fag end of the attention.
3. Ditch them except for big family occasions (if at all). Direct your energies to your family.

So horrible that they act like arses and you end up with the shitty end of the stick. I have a similar situation in my family. Sad thing is that I could go no contact with the person involved and they wouldn't notice!

erring on gentle - BF, not doing CIO

What? BFing is “gentle” parenting?

I’m thinking your “gentle” style of parenting is at least a part of the problem. I expect your children are “spirited”

Usually my children play really beautifully when they are at PILs / with their cousins, they certainly seem as well behaved as them on the whole, sit at the table for meals etc. Obviously there's the occasional tantrum from the 3 yo but honestly they are generally well behaved there (they save all their bad behaviour for when it's just me and DH!).

I sympathise. It must be hard seeing your DH be excluded.

I suspect your kids and parenting style are having an impact. That's not to criticise you nor to imply you are doing anything wrong. I agree with your approach!
Is their daughter's parenting style is more akin to theirs? and if they find your DC's food difficulties hard to bear (again, I empathise - one of mine had an extremely restricted diet and it caused tension) then seeing your DH and family won't be as easy-going an experience for your PIL as seeing SIL and kids. And, fair or not, most people spend time with people they feel more relaxed around.

It doesn't mean they don't love you all, it would merely mean they are more at ease with their daughters. This isn't a nice experience for you, and again, I really feel for you. But on the other hand, you are doing right by your children, you are clearly a loving mum and partner, and it's your PIL who lose out in the long run.

when she was rude to me about my parenting,

Seems strange she would do this if your children are such angels.

Sorry OP but I'm on your in laws side here. Sounds like his sisters arrange to see the parents. Your DH can't be bothered to do that. So therefore he isn't going to see them, is he.

Sadly this is the case in most families (cue 100 posters coming on and saying nooo all the men they know call mum every day etc). And naturally the sisters will have a closer relationship with parents as they make the effort.

Why should the sisters be social directors for the whole family - just because they are female? DH clearly isn't bothered about seeing his family, so why are you bothered?

Its exactly the same for me. I see parents weekly. It's up to my sister to schedule her visit with parents, if she wants one. My DH couldn't care less about seeing his family, so that's that.

I would put money on it being your parenting.

What one person sees as gentle parenting can be seen by others as wish washy parenting raising brats.

I don't think it's you or your parenting, especially if DH has always been 'lesser'. You are just taking on his emotions (and many people on here these days can't resist the opportunity for a sharp kick at someone else's parenting).

I'd say give it a last chance by trying to organise a few social events with the family, and if that doesn't work step right back and let DH deal with it - if that means cutting contact for his mental health, fair enough. You can't make his upset yours or you will both be washed down the plughole (tortuous metaphor but I think you must know what I mean).

I’m thinking your “gentle” style of parenting is at least a part of the problem. I expect your children are “spirited”

I think you're suggesting I'm permissive. I'm not. I'm firm on boundaries and my older DC is impeccably behaved at school and I get great reports from play dates too on how polite he is. He won an award for kindness at school.

My younger DC is more challenging because he has some sensory issues, possible SPD, and he's 3! But really this affects no one except me and DH.

The only thing that isn't great is their sleep. They are both early risers and 3 yo struggles to switch off.

I've yet to hear of a family where everyone was getting on all at the same time and there wasn't one member who wasn't a bit of a scapegoat

That's really sad you know so many families like this. I know you said that this is your experience, but I have never come across this, and I have a large extended family.

My ex ils massively favoured their dd over their ds. We (him, me +dc) were never invited anywhere yet sil +her dc lived in ils pockets. He wasn't bothered but dc were very obviously second rate dgc. Leave them to it is my advice. Less people you have to share your precious dc with. And less bitching for your precious time too!
Concentrate on you, dh +dc. Tell dh you all need /love him!!

@Butteredghost
I was going to say the same thing. My mum and her sister are basically caring for their elderly parents alone- one of them is their every single day. Their brother visits when he can fit them in occasionally but if you asked him, it would not be his fault and he and his family are the ones that have always been left out.

What was the relationship like before you had DCs? Was it the same? If so, then it's unlikely to be your DCs, however "spirited" they are.

Some of the attitudes about daughter vs son relationships with parents are hideous. It depends on the personalities, nothing to do with sex.

Some parents will actively seek a better relationship with selected children and it's very unfair. My BIL lives away but makes a massive effort with his P, especially since their children were born - asking to FaceTime etc. PILs aren't bothered. We live nearer to them. FIL doesn't care about anyone (MIL included!) but MIL is OBSESSED with our DS and massively favours him, so absolutely makes more effort with us by default. SIL who is a mess gets preferential treatment from MIL by miles though, and DH says it's always been this way.

I'm one of two girls and it's definitely me rather than DSIS who's closer to our DPs, purely due to personality. It's actually DSIS' DP who invited my parents to do things with them, and they are forever seeing DSIS' in-laws.

Seems strange she would do this if your children are such angels.

Actually it was about me and DH going to our children (1 year old at the time) when they cried, and also not wanting to feed my child an allergen.

But you carry on judging, hope it makes you feel really good.

It actually gets a bit difficult to organise whole family events when you have three siblings, all partnered with a few kids of all different ages. And if SILs are like most people, they have a full schedule with work, household chores, marriage, friends, childcare, parents, in laws, exercise, study, volunteering etc. They don't have the time or energy to add in "manage brothers relationship with parents" to that and why should they.

Just a thought here - am I right in thinking that your DH is an only son and his siblings are daughters?

Sadly an old saying has a grain of truth in it - a daughter remains a daughter for life, a son is a son 'til he finds a wife.

I'm just thinking that there may be some unconscious bias here and your mother-in-law may be behind the invitations to her daughters and their families without realising that her son may be hurt not to be included. She may assume that your 'loyalties' lie with your parents.

It's not necessarily something that's happening for any other reason than the bonds between mother and daughter. It's only by saying upfront, gently and politely, that your husband feels excluded, that anything will change. It partly depends on how much you as daughter-in-law, want to be treated as a daughter too. If you see your mother-in-law as a second Mum, perhaps it would help if you found a way to say so. :-)

"(erring on gentle - BF, not doing CIO)"

Could you explain what these ^^ mean? I don't know what the abbreviations stand for. Breast feeding and?

@Lookingforadvice123
I so agree! Nothing to do with sex at all, just personality. My DB is so much more like my parents, and gets on with them better. I love them, I know they love me, and I'm not jealous of their relationship with my brother. They have lots of shared interests and tastes and naturally spend more time together. But we're all still together for the important stuff.
This "closer to daughters than sons" stuff is awfully old-fashioned

Sadly an old saying has a grain of truth in it - a daughter remains a daughter for life, a son is a son 'til he finds a wife.

MIL actually said this to me once

This may be at the heart of it.

Sadly we are not v close to my DPs...

I don't think you have to ask either your SIL or PIL why you are being excluded - that is just opening it up for hurt that you might not be able to come back from.
Instead go visit, when they mention that the SILs were there you could say "oh next time you guys are getting together, let us know, we'd love to try catch up more"

They might just think that you both are so wrapped up in your kids that you don't want to spend time with them.

Ultimately you can either choose to be offended or put in the effort to be included, but it sounds like you want them to make more of an effort to include you, whereas, they probably think that you are happy to have your family separate.

They don't have the time or energy to add in "manage brothers relationship with parents" to that and why should they.

Not expecting them to - but a quick text to say "just to let you know we're heading down to DPs this weekend" isn't asking much, is it? He's spoken to them, they've not mentioned it. He found out via social media.

We actually initiated our last all-family get together in December, for all those thinking we don't make any effort.

Having said that, DH isn't the best communicator with his parents these days. He's extremely busy, stressed and tired and as conversations with his DPs often leave him drained he needs to be feeling resilient to call them. He calls them maybe once a week. MIL gets annoyed if he misses a call or doesn't call them back (usually because he's driving, helping to get DC to bed or at work!).