To ask why we are being left out?

[pantyclaws]

DH has two siblings and they spent Christmas with his parents - we've not seen them since mid December. He's since found out that everyone in his family except for him has spent the weekend together twice this month (they don't live near each other). This happened quite a few times last year as well. It's very rare for DH to see any of them without the others, maybe once or twice a year.

I get that parents might want one on one time with their adult children, but it is so heavily skewed in the other siblings' favour I know this isn't about that just that.

DH is crushed by this, and his already low self-esteem is taking a battering. If his own family don't want to spend time with him, who does?

I'm conscious it might be an issue with me or with DCs, not him.

AIBU to ask one of them if there's a reason behind this? I suggested to DH he does this and he agrees but "never gets around" to it.

But you carry on judging, hope it makes you feel really good.

I’m not judging. I couldn’t give a toss how you raise your children. They are yours to raise as you see fit.

But they are judging. SIL will be raising her kids as she was raised (probably) which means everyone there thinks you are wrong and they are right. Any perceived difference in behaviour will be seen as your parenting being inferior. You crying because you were challenged over something as minor as going to your child when they were crying will have them judging you too. Have a go at me if you wish, I’m not the one excluding you.

Ps - the vast majority of kids are angelically behaved at school and completely different characters out of school. DDs teachers can’t believe some of the things we tell them about behaviour!

pantyclaws there you have it then, if she has said this to you. That's very sad, but you can't change her attitude.

I think it's probably more common in sibling set ups where there's a mixture, perhaps two or more of the same sex. The families with two sons that I know seem close, and DSIS' DP and his brother seem closer to the parents than their sister (although she is close to them too).

I’m also still confused as to how BF is “gentle”? Are you suggesting FF is a rough way to parent?

yabbers you sound like you are looking for a fight. Are you? Of course the OP said nothing of the sort.

The point about bf is that you do it on demand whereas often with ff there's a time schedule. So if you don't bf you could think a bf mum was over indulging a baby by feeding it in response to its cries.

I sometimes am at my parents and one of my brothers comes, it's not a snub on the other - it's just my mum mentions we are visiting and he decides to visit (to see my dc's) partly because his lonely following a break up. They are always welcome at my house, one comes lot more than the other.

Perhaps the other siblings are just more organised than your dh

OP - this is a horrible situation and I really feel for you. I am in a similar situation with PILs and it used to really bother me. However, over the years we have pulled away and put our family first. Now that DHs sister's DCs are grown up his DPs are bereft because they never see them anymore. They have now tried to get closer to our DCs but in our eyes it is too late and our DCs feel quite uncomfortable around them as they feel they don't really know them. FIL is not also not very well and I don't feel bad about the fact that we aren't there all the time helping out - that's down to SIL as she has had all the benefit or their care and attention (and free childcare!) all these years. We feel that they made their bed and now they can lie in it. Karma is a bitch!

That is shit op, it seems as though your DH Is thought of less by his parents. Can't he have an honest talk with them. There could be factors, such as he is not as flexible, distance etc.

@Yabber I think I misphrased that about BF - what I meant is BF is one of the things she judges me for. I don't think it's gentler than FF, although BF on demand / to term is associated with attachment parenting. Which may be a better description. I think you know I'm not saying that though and are wilfully looking for something to attack me over, for some reason.

And for the record re me crying, I didn't cry in front of her - which there is nothing won't with anyway IMO - and when I went off both her daughters leapt to my defence and had a go at her. This was the last straw after many PA comments and digs at a time when I was struggling with my mental health (and she knew it).

Is getting upset, once, in 14 years, enough reason to effectively exclude someone in your book then?

Tbh they sound disinterested, uncaring. The more you say about them, the best it wod be for low or NC. Lower your expectations of them. Your parenting style shod not matter, they had their chance.

So just to clarify, you do not live near to the PIL? The siblings live closer?

Sorry missed this. We live about same distance away (2 hours approx drive), in fact we are slightly closer, but in different directions.

The siblings live in same town as each other.

"as conversations with his DPs often leave him drained"

So his sisters have a better relationship with their parents?

So it's not a surprise that he doesn't get asked, is it?

But he surely has a relationship with his siblings seperately to his parents?

It seems to me as if, once children turn into adults, the parents are more likely to remain closer to their daughters than their sons. I know my own mother is like this with her many offspring and wouldn’t hardly consider inviting my lovely db’s and their partners to family affairs unless reminded. It’s not that she doesn’t love all her children equally, I do think that quite often it’s females who take mor control of family activities and a mother will be more likely to relate better with her adult daughter than adult son.
That sounds like waffle when I read it back but you can hardly blame mothers of adult children when we see daily venom about MILs on here ( and it’s always by females)
My female friends with adult sons do not have nearly as close a relationship with them as they do with their daughters nor do they have as close a relationship with their sons children.
My mother tried to explain that she feels closer to her daughters children because they’ve been born directly from them as her daughters were born directly from her.

This is sad. Hope my ds never feels this way

" the parents are more likely to remain closer to their daughters than their sons. I know my own mother is like this with her many offspring and wouldn’t hardly consider inviting my lovely db’s "

That's your mum effectively pushing them out though, isn't it?

Some daughters do see their mums more than sons do-& if this continues after marriage, nothing has actually changed, has it, but then suddenly it's not fair when kids come along as her mum sees more of them!

OP, they're showing you over and over again that your dh/family is nowhere near as important to them as their daughters; - so i'd stop trying with them.
Sounds like your dh has always been on the bottom of their list and they've carried on with this dynamic.

He calls them maybe once a week. MIL gets annoyed if he misses a call or doesn't call them back
Perhaps it's time your dh stopped this mil-pleasing habit?
His efforts are not being appreciated and they still don't tell or include him in the meetups....these phone calls only serve to feed mil's 'expectations' and ego, to keep your dh 'doing as he's told' and all it does is reinforce his 'lesser than' status in the family.

If pil know that dh will continue trying to win their affection/time and keep playing the 'game' then they won't stop or change their behaviour.
Telephones work both ways, so stop the weekly phone call and see how long it takes them to contact you.....any complaints from mil and you can easily tell her communication/effort is a two way street.

From my own experience once you've been relegated to the 'scapegoat' or 'not as important' role it follows you into adulthood.
I used to live 10 mins drive away from my parents and siblings, yet despite regular visits and phone calls i'd never get told about or invited to 'family' parties.
If i asked why the response was 'oh i forgot/ expected XYZ to tell you'.
If i asked why it wasn't mentioned when i rang them they'd repeat the same excuses......yet if i missed the weekly phone calls or visits they'd try to emotionally blackmail me.
I eventually just stopped running after them and trying to get accepted into the family of my birth.
It's soul destroying and fucks with your emotions........as well as draining all your energy.
Now i contact them only as and when i please - and it's shown me just how little they actually care to bother with me.
I feel so much better for it and it's actually made me stronger in terms of being boundary setting and valuing my self.

Having said that, DH isn't the best communicator with his parents these days. He's extremely busy, stressed and tired and as conversations with his DPs often leave him drained he needs to be feeling resilient to call them. He calls them maybe once a week. MIL gets annoyed if he misses a call or doesn't call them back (usually because he's driving, helping to get DC to bed or at work!).

I wonder whether your dh doesn’t have time for them, and rather sit round and wait for him they are just getting on with life.
I have I don’t wait to be invited round my mums and equally never waited to be invited round ex mil.

Reading your posts, it is clear why your dh is being left out. Closer to his sister's, that saying, your dh is quite busy at work, maybe they feel dh does not make much effort with them.

So it could be because they're just not as close so don't want DH and us there "ruining the vibe"?

Or they are just assuming we don't want to join them as we don't make much effort with them?

Or, there is another reason as yet undiscovered?

I just remembered MIL also once said that mothers are naturally closer to their daughters' children.

I feel pretty sad for my DC that they won't have a good relationship with their GCs.

He's extremely busy, stressed and tired and as conversations with his DPs often leave him drained he needs to be feeling resilient to call them

Ok, so you need to accept theybwill know he feels like this. No matter how he tries to hide it. And they will also find it difficult to accept his intolerance of them.

They will be assuming he doesn't wish to come. If you tie this in with your previous struggles , your rather judgemental way of talking about your parenting style, the fact rhe sisters are probably very close as they live in the same town, and rhe fact they probably enjoy talking to their parents, and don't find it draining, then you can likely see why they would think he woildnt wish to come.

I mean he finds just talking to them on the phone draining. Why would he wish to spend a weekend?

Do you want to join them Op or are you just pissed off that ypu don't get asked?

If you don't make the effort-why should they?

Look far onto the future op.
It won't be you they come to for their dotage assistance.
Your dc will be more than fine without gps.
My dc have none. More time for us as a family and no one to judge /criticise /want to take our dc off our hands!!
It's quite bloody great tbh!!

If you want to see them just make your own plans. It doesn't sound like you or your dp enjoy being around them though which they likely sense.
I call my mil to make plans if I want them to visit. I don't wait around for them to call me.

Do you want to join them Op or are you just pissed off that ypu don't get asked?

My DC love spending time with their cousins so for that reason yes. I'd also like DH to have a happier more loving relationship with them - if that's possible.

I'm slightly wary of the DC realising they are not the favourites as they get older though.

Does your husband want a better relationship with them? Because if he does, then he needs to make more of an effort.

So something as simple as a text saying looks great, invite us next time, we'd love to come, with a smiley face and a kiss, will do it. Proactively phone his siblings and his parents, But all from him not you. He has to wish to talk to his parents, his siblings, make an effort with them. And not do recriminations about not being invited previously.

And then when with them, or talking to them, not cry, not whinge, not make any comments about parenting style, but actually be pleasant to be around, lead by example.

And if he and you make that effort, then I'm sure you will be invited. What you can't do, is be rather unpleasant, distant, intolerant and then complain they don't invite you.

" I'd also like DH to have a happier more loving relationship with them "

That's surely up to him though?

Has he ever been close to his parents/sisters?

Everyone would say that my husband is close to his parents, but in reality for his part it's duty visits & phone calls.