Inlaws part 3: she is controlling, what do I do now.

[InlawIssuesAgain]

Background from other threads: MIL and extended family kept pushing me for visits after my twins were out of the nicu after I nearly died, one of them may have a disability as oxygen starvation occurred. Told family this and that we didn't want long visits. Said they could come for two hours and asked them to show up on time as they are often late. MIL went absolutely crazy and became abusive.

So now I need advice. MIL is saying she will check in on DH daily. She's sent a string of abusive messages to him claiming I'm untrustworthy, manipulative. She's told him to go on my phone while I'm asleep and delete anything incriminating about her and to delete the messages she sends him so that I can't see them. She keeps saying I am planning to leave DH and that I'm trying to take the kids away from him.

I went mad and said to DH that she's trying to drive a wedge between us and she's trying to turn him against me. DH has claimed I'm paranoid and she is just upset.

How do I deal with this woman intruding when her son doesn't think it's as much of an issue as I do? I feel like I'm being bullied by her.

I think by this point you need to work out which side your DH is on. It's fine for him to sit in the middle but when the situation deteriorates to this degree, he has a choice to make.

Your DH is the one in the wrong here. Using words like "paranoid" to ignore and minimise your hurt and pain doesn't bode well at all.

He says he's on my side but when his mum insults me he just says things like "calm down don't start an argument" to her. I'm upset that he doesn't say "I'm offended that you would say that about my partner" but he says he is defending me I told him I'd tell my health visitor MIL was bullying me and he went mental at me saying I was escalating it.

I'm really hurt.

Not read the other threads but sounds like everyone needs a timeout. Block her number from your phone if you haven’t already. Get your DH to do the same for now and tell his DM to call on the hse phone if there’s an emergency. Give yourself a week off from messages etc. Sounds like DH needs a break too to get some perspective

DH will never block her number.

She sent him a text saying that did he know fathers can get PND and he should lock himself in our room and sleep and make me cook for him and take care of the kids.

She knows I had a huge PPH that required transfusions and that I saw my daughter intubated in front of me...

he went mental at me saying I was escalating it.

This isn't ok. This isn't normal. This isn't your Husband putting you first. He's probably stuck in that whole cycle of trying to please an overbearing and controlling parent. And that's fine; let him be stuck. But do not let him gaslight you into thinking you're the one with the issue; his Mother is behaving badly and he's allowing it to continue. He's the one you need to stand up to, he's the one who needs to remove his head from his backside.

Line in the sand time x

He keeps saying by me talking about it I'm escalating it and not letting it go. But I feel really betrayed and now I feel awful. I was enjoying my time with my babies and I just feel sad now.

At the end of the day you're the mum, you're the boss! You've just experienced childbirth and you're particularly emotional and vulnerable so you need to block any unhealthy influences. If DH won't support you in the way you want, you need to make these decisions yourself.

But do not let him gaslight you into thinking you're the one with the issue;

I accused him of gaslighting me and he said I was being ridiculous. Which he would.

OP, forgetting about Mil atm, do you think you need to find someone to talk to? You've had a traumatic experience with the birth then a distressing and frightening time with your babies. It's a lot to handle. A counsellor might also be able to help you with your Mil issue and help you frame the best way to deal with her and move forward with your DH.

I don't feel depressed except when dealing with MIL, I don't really want to talk about the birth either as I'd rather just forget about it and move on

Oh God op,

I’ll say this much, you have a serious DH problem, at this stage he’s acting more DuH, than DH.

There’s a couple of ways to nip this shit in the bud, 1, you talk to your health visitor about what MIL is doing and accept the help they will give, which at this stage, if he isn’t actively protecting you against her, may mean recommending either you or he leaves, (more likely him)

2, you could go to your mothers, this sends a stark message that he can either be in his mother’s side or yours, he doesn’t get to keep mummy happy while his wife suffers,

Speaking from personal experience, please get some counselling, the Freedom Programme is a good place to start to unpick the flaws in partners you choose; and this is possibly why your anxiety is in the stratosphere at the moment as a decent partner supports his wife (remember that one in your vows? “Forsaking all others...”)

Just to translate “you escalating” no, he wants mummy to stop bitching at him....

If I remember the previous threads. OP had traumatic birth, DD’s in NICU for months.
MIL wants OP to arrange family gathering and introduce babies to family. Think big Asian family with aunties and cousins where OP would have to host and wait on everyone hand and foot. Despite babies being home only a few days initially. These are immuno compromised babies. Would not be a quick visit but hours long full on thing with babies being passed around like presents.
I think agree to MIL coming for 1 hour once a week to help. By help give her specific jobs to do.
Tell her when the babies are well enough and immunised you will host the family.
Good luck

I said the same thing about his mother bitching. He got a massive sulk on because I said his mum had him by the balls. Apparently that was mean but it's not mean to invent some conspiracy about me.

In DHs defence he did say to her "she is the partner i chose and I don't like you saying these things" but when she's constantly going on it seems a bit empty

weenurse that is correct. I told MIL she could come for two hours at the weekend but she went mad at me and said i have no right to impose restrictions on her and then out came the insanity

FWIW when my first was born, my mum was told to stay away for 6 weeks as she had been babysitting my nieces who had chicken pox.

He says he's on my side but when his mum insults me he just says things like "calm down don't start an argument" to her. I'm upset that he doesn't say "I'm offended that you would say that about my partner" but he says he is defending me

You are playing into her hands by trying to tell him what he ought to do. You cannot make him do what you want any more than she can. If you can, just pretend she doesn't exist and don't start rows about her behaviour.

You are the mother and you decide how it's going to be. Just tell him, don't argue.

Pretending she doesn't exist might work. He can't claim I'm being unfair to her if I'm just ignoring her.

Take a deep breath and let DH deal with his mother.
Try to leave the room when she rings and don’t ask what she said about you.
You need to withdraw from her mentally as well as physically and let him deal.
Agree to a date in the future to do the meet the family thing.... say 1st birthday.
The four of you need to settle in as a family and work out what special needs, if any, twin has. Then how you are going to meet those needs.

MoreCheeseDear

Good advice and exactly what I was going to say

Ignore her, DP on the other hand - say No I don’t want XYX and stick to it no discussion no explanation no argument - it’s just no

stick to it no discussion no explanation no argument - it’s just no

That's what started it. She kept asking why re boundaries and after the 15th time of explaining I said I didn't have to justify myself to her.

You didn’t need to explain 15 times

No from the start every time

You do not need to mention his mother at all

I don’t want to
I’m not well enough
I need rest
I want to spend time with you and babies

Make it all about you and nothing to do with her

That was my opinion but DH insisted on explaining it to her as she needs to understand apparently. I said I don't care if she understands she just needs to accept it.

So greentulips' list covers it if she wants reasons.
But why? I'm tired. I need rest. The babies are sick.
Repeat grey rock style.

She never accepts it. A snapshot of the conversation

"Please don't film the kids either as we don't want lots of videos of the kids on people phones getting sent around"

M "So...I can't film my grandkids"

"Yes we don't want anyone filming them"

M "Why?"

DH "it makes people uncomfortable"

M "the...babies are uncomfortable?"

DH "No"

M "Are you uncomfortable?"

DH "Look, it makes Sarah* uncomfortable, alright?"

M "Why?"

DH "it just does."

M "well what about what you want?"

DH "I'm indifferent. If it upsets Sarah and I'm not really bothered then obviously I'm happy to not do it."

M "the kids will love it"

DH "we've said no"

M "I'll film them in secret when she's not looking"

DH "mum no."

M "well poor kids. Poor babies is all I can say. Poor poor kids with no videos and memories."

WTF