Inlaws part 3: she is controlling, what do I do now.

[InlawIssuesAgain]

Background from other threads: MIL and extended family kept pushing me for visits after my twins were out of the nicu after I nearly died, one of them may have a disability as oxygen starvation occurred. Told family this and that we didn't want long visits. Said they could come for two hours and asked them to show up on time as they are often late. MIL went absolutely crazy and became abusive.

So now I need advice. MIL is saying she will check in on DH daily. She's sent a string of abusive messages to him claiming I'm untrustworthy, manipulative. She's told him to go on my phone while I'm asleep and delete anything incriminating about her and to delete the messages she sends him so that I can't see them. She keeps saying I am planning to leave DH and that I'm trying to take the kids away from him.

I went mad and said to DH that she's trying to drive a wedge between us and she's trying to turn him against me. DH has claimed I'm paranoid and she is just upset.

How do I deal with this woman intruding when her son doesn't think it's as much of an issue as I do? I feel like I'm being bullied by her.

Your MIL has literally told your husband she will go against your wishes and secretly film your DC having caught her filming their nappy change I would red flag this and so will your HV

She has consistently ignored anything she doesn't want to hear

She seems to think that her position as grandmother trumps yours as a mother.

Absolutely speak with your HV.
Show as much physical/digital evidence as you have to them.
Also to your own mother.
Cut MIL off. When DH asks why, tell him that you're unable to affectively communicate with his mother as she will not listen to anything except herself. Your babies welfare is more important than his mother's sense of self importance.

Until he can deal with his mother fully and absolve you of his responsibility, you and the children are having nothing to do with her.

And if it's a culture clash then that's fine. But why should you be the one to give?

Well done OP I think that’s the most sensible approach

Could you set up a secret email address and email screenshots of the harassment to it? It worries me that she told your husband to delete any messages. I don’t really have much advice but I hope things get better for you. She doesn’t like that you’re fighting back. You’re doing the best for your babies

not his problem because he keeps the peace

How’s that working for homecoming?

Him

What did she do with the video she took of the nappy change? Were you able to delete it? I'd be really concerned about that. I would go NC with her. Tell HV what has gone on and raise all concerns so it's documented. Go see your GP and do the save there. You need support to be able to deal with the birth trauma and NICU etc rather than just "move on" - to move on, you'll need to process it properly hence why some counselling will help you. It'll also help you in dealing with MIL (which may mean just remaining NC but feeling strong enough to carry on NC).

Also your DH needs to back you on this. Call the police to report her for harassment also and no way is she to be allowed near your precious babies.

She just kept it. She videos everything. You can't walk in her house without someone videoing you.

@InlawIssuesAgain So we are here again. You need to tell your mum, and line up your ducks because thid could get ugly.

Also do not under any circumstances take a trip abroad to his homeland, nor allow the twins out of your sight! This is not to make you paranoid, but this family sounds extreme and all caution is necessary.

Ive told my mum and she's seen the evidence I have. Will be ringing HV soon. I want it known that she is bullying me in case she tried anything worse.

Are you married OP?

Whatever you do don't tell your husband about you keeping evidence etc. As it's clear he is manipulated by him you never know what he could do when put under pressure.

Sorry - manipulated by her *

Yes we are.

It upsets me as I trust DH but I don't trust his mother.

Also do not under any circumstances take a trip abroad to his homeland, nor allow the twins out of your sight
MIL keeps trying to get the twins at her house and I've told her they aren't leaving my sight. She's not happy about that which I find odd, as if she's got ulterior motives.

I was just thinking OP, a little sidestep of the problem at hand I realise, but have you been offered any kind of ‘birth afterthoughts’ service from your maternity unit? If you haven’t, it might be worth finding out about. Meeting the clinicians involved in your care and going through what happened step by step, really helps you take that first step towards moving on. I really recommend it.

OP, I was in a very similar situation 4 years ago. Constant digs from my MIL, not respecting (very simple) boundaries. At first my DH didn't believe me (she bought me XXL size clothing ffs, I'm a s/m). I went to therapy to show I was 'working on my end', did one or two visits in complete good faith and left the rest up to her. She inevitably behaved badly (rant about she wished he'd never married me, even if that meant we didn't have DS) and that was that. My MIL did a lot to try and cause friction between us, it sounds like yours is too. I tried to keep the marriage good, which is disappointing when you are left to deal with your ILs, but it paid off in that DH did eventually see I'm very normal, functional, kind etc and it was his Mother was the one being crazy.

Could you do one good faith visit, show your DH you are doing your best and give him a chance to come around and see everything isn't falling apart because of you? I don't think you should have to do this by any means, but in my experience it took a little longer for him to see what she was doing.

In DHs defence he did say to her "she is the partner i chose and I don't like you saying these things" but when she's constantly going on it seems a bit empty

He says he's on my side but when his mum insults me he just says things like "calm down don't start an argument" to her. I'm upset that he doesn't say "I'm offended that you would say that about my partner" but he says he is defending me

Make your mind up. Is he or isnt he?

He is defending me but he isn't condemning her behaviour and that's what's upsetting me.

He is defending you. You may not think his wording perfect, but he is actually defending you.

Do you want him to come down on her like a tonne of bricks simply to ‘prove’ to you how much he’s on your side?

I haven't read the other threads. Are you and your dh from the same cultural background?

Are you and your dh from the same cultural background?

No, he's Indian and I'm white.

Do you want him to come down on her like a tonne of bricks simply to ‘prove’ to you how much he’s on your side?

I wanted him to tell her the behaviour isn't on and is unacceptable/borderline insane, but I'm greatful that he has at least said something.

How stressful op. Hopefully your hv can offer some support.

I hope the question didn't offend you. I'm only asking because my dh is from a different culture and I definitely think my mil will make trouble out of any little thing as she really didn't want my dh to marry me. I do however think your MIL is looney tunes. Also your dh isn't doing enough. I remember mil made a big deal because I didn't tell her. Happy Eid quickly enough and my dh went to her the next day and stood up for me. I think that did send a strong message. She's more sneaky now!

That sounds horrible, OP.

You should definitely talk to your HV asap