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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws part 3: she is controlling, what do I do now.

118 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 06:20

Background from other threads: MIL and extended family kept pushing me for visits after my twins were out of the nicu after I nearly died, one of them may have a disability as oxygen starvation occurred. Told family this and that we didn't want long visits. Said they could come for two hours and asked them to show up on time as they are often late. MIL went absolutely crazy and became abusive.

So now I need advice. MIL is saying she will check in on DH daily. She's sent a string of abusive messages to him claiming I'm untrustworthy, manipulative. She's told him to go on my phone while I'm asleep and delete anything incriminating about her and to delete the messages she sends him so that I can't see them. She keeps saying I am planning to leave DH and that I'm trying to take the kids away from him.

I went mad and said to DH that she's trying to drive a wedge between us and she's trying to turn him against me. DH has claimed I'm paranoid and she is just upset.

How do I deal with this woman intruding when her son doesn't think it's as much of an issue as I do? I feel like I'm being bullied by her.

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 10:19

Thank you all for this advice. I'm talking to my own mother about this now.

OP posts:
Blessingsdragon1 · 28/01/2019 10:23

Good Luck I hope you find a way forwards

User758172 · 28/01/2019 10:35

Your DH needs to decide if he’s an autonomous adult now, a husband and father with responsibilities to his new family, or whether he’s going to be a child under his mother’s thumb for the rest of his life. What’s it to be?

I understand he wants to brush it all under the carpet and ignore the problem, but you can’t run from these problems in life. It’s totally immature. He made the decision to have a wife and family - now he needs to shoulder his responsibilities to them.

He needs to tell his mother in no uncertain terms that his duty is to his wife and children. You three are his priority now - not her. And she’s his mother, and his problem. You shouldn’t have to deal with any of this. His immaturity and inaction will bite him on the arse when it leads to resentment and contempt from his wife.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 10:43

And she’s his mother, and his problem. You shouldn’t have to deal withanyof this.

I said this too but he said it's not his problem because he keeps the peace he said the problem is mine and his mother's Sad

OP posts:
fiydwi · 28/01/2019 10:49

Just report the bitch for harassment.
No fucking way would I put up with this shit. Get on your husbands phone and screenshot every message and bloody keep them for evidence.
I’ve read your posts and the woman is crazy.
Speak to your HV get everyone you can on board.
Good luck op x

User758172 · 28/01/2019 10:52

Shows him to be totally immature then. Running away from the problem because he thinks it’s not his fault. But it’s not yours either - it’s his mother that’s causing this. Shouldn’t her son be the one to deal with her? Furthermore, if he loves you, why is he allowing her to cause you so much grief? Why turn the other way and try to wash his hands if it?

I’d advise absolute radio silence on your part OP. Don’t communicate with her in any way.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 10:53

I think this is harassment too. I don't know why DH is blind to it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 10:55

MrsAriadne I said exactly the same thing. I said if one of my relatives was upsetting DH even after we'd politely asked them to stop I'd be having very firm words with them so why can't he do that for me. He says it's cultural.

I am really uncomfortable with her around the children now. Especially the filming me changing DD in the NICU.

OP posts:
anomoony · 28/01/2019 11:01

It does sound like MIL (and maybe DH) wants to frame the situation as "InlawIssues is mentally ill so we need to step in and take these babies". I would be very very very careful. Do you have any support from your family?

User758172 · 28/01/2019 11:03

Cultural? What a crock. Never heard of any cultural norm whereby MILs feel entitled to treat their DILs like garbage.

So that’s is more important to him than the happiness and wellbeing of his wife, is it? Sounds like another convenient reason to evade his responsibilities. I’m so angry for you OP.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 11:06

Yes I do have family support. I do have evidence on my phone of her actions and it's finger print protected and backed up on another device.

I also think she's trying to frame is as me being unstable because I have social anxiety. She won't get very far as I have actual professionals I have seen about my social anxiety for years and not one has ever raised a concern about me being seriously ill.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/01/2019 11:12

I think you may need to turn this on it’s head.

You start taking control

You ‘I don’t want mil seeing the dc as I do t trust her’
DH ‘Why not’
You ‘this is not up for discussion’

Rinse and repeat, and also go NC with her.

Sounds extreme but it your dh won't stick up for you, then chances are he won’t stick up for your dc when they are with your mil

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 11:23

I've decided that I am NC with her. I won't respond to any messages, phone calls, passive aggressive Facebook posts, or insults through DH. I shall simply ignore her.

I will be telling DH that the DC are not seeing MIL while her behaviour is erratic and worrying, and that it's not up for debate.

I will be informing my HV that MIL has been harassing and bullying me so that it's documented and I've got the evidence stored in a safe place where she can't get it.

OP posts:
namechanged2019 · 28/01/2019 11:23

@InlawIssuesAgain I'm sorry but if I was you I would leave DH, and iv never said that to anyone on MN, your risking your MH staying in this family.

chuttypicks · 28/01/2019 11:26

Maybe if you spent less time on here and more time trying to build a relationship with your MIL, things wouldn't be this bad? It wouldn't get you to make a little effort tbh. You're on your 3rd MN thread about this, so you clearly do have some spare time on your hands. Maybe a visit would do you some good and too you live in the present and the real world, rather than asking for sympathy online constantly. You're effectively just waning people to agree with you each time. Maybe you should change your attitude a little bit: the DC are her DGC and maybe she's also worried about them, and you, and her DS but isn't very good at communicating that. You're not really behaving perfectly towards her either tbh.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 11:29

chutty What exactly have I done wrong?

OP posts:
IveGotAlpen · 28/01/2019 11:34

@chuttypicks are you the MIL?

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 28/01/2019 11:35

I will be informing my HV that MIL has been harassing and bullying me so that it's documented and I've got the evidence stored in a safe place where she can't get it.
I was about to post that you should really do this, for your own sake and the DCs if for nothing else. Glad you decided to do this.

User758172 · 28/01/2019 11:51

@chuttypicks

OP’s MIL has behaved terribly, and her DH has let her down in a big way. Why should OP pander to a MIL who has bullied her? We all want to get along with extended family as best we can, I agree, but neither do we want to accept or excuse cruelty and selfishness, surely?

MamaLovesMango · 28/01/2019 11:56

Maybe you should change your attitude a little bit

I think it’s you @chuttypicks that needs to gauge your attitude, not the OP. You sound perfectly delightful up there on your high horse Hmm

OP, I think you’re taking exactly the right coourse of action for now. I’ve had to do similar myself for very similar reasons cultural my arse. Be warned though, it goes 1 of 2 ways: she gets bored and and it all quietens down or she ups her game, usually there’s a medical emergency involving her imminent death on the horizon. Ultimately, your DH needs to make a choice of whether he can support his marriage fully or support his mother. Unfortunately, until he decides to support your marriage, you can’t count on him being a suitable advocate for your children over his mother. I think you probably need to be prepared to grab some stuff and take the children to your mothers until he makes this decision. Either way, you can and you do need to take control of what you can.

User758172 · 28/01/2019 12:00

I don’t know you OP, but I can only say that if I were in your shoes I’d remove your DH and his nasty mother from the equation entirely. Concentrate on you and your babies. You don’t want the early weeks of your babies life to be tainted by this. You must enjoy them now! Absolute radio silence on your part, do not engage with her at all. Expect nothing from your husband, and then you will not be disappointed. You seemingly can’t count on him as an ally.

I would give him one chance – just one. I would tell him quite calmly that if he did not take steps to address the situation with his mother and have a frank conversation with her, I would consider that he had washed his hands of the situation and therefore I was at perfect liberty to deal with it however I saw fit. That might mean involving the police, apprising health visitors of the situation, and involving my own family to help me if needed.

He cannot then complain that he was not forewarned. He was given the chance to do something to help, to defuse the situation. If he does nothing, so be it. He has no right then to criticise how you handle the situation going forward.

Jaxhog · 28/01/2019 12:03

She obviously trying to control your DH via abuse about you. But I don't think your reaction to it is really helping matters.

Block her. Perhaps your DH knows what she's like and knows that the best way to deal with her is to let her rant, as then she'll run out of steam. Unless he acts on it or agrees with her then she's just a load of hot air. But you don't have to listen to it.

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner · 28/01/2019 12:05

Is chutty your MIL ?

User758172 · 28/01/2019 12:06

Ultimately, your DH needs to make a choice of whether he can support his marriage fully or support his mother

Yep. He thinks he can do both, burying his head in the sand in a fuzzy middle ground. He doesn’t want to be a bad guy, he wants you to sort it out so he doesn’t have to.

Unfortunately, he thinks he can avoid the battle, when it’ll actually catch him from both sides. He’ll engender resentment from his wife who’s been betrayed by the man who should have her back, and contempt from his mother who knows he’s a weak man and a child she can still dominate.

SaveKevin · 28/01/2019 12:09

I think if your dh is handing it back to you to deal with, then you deal with it how you see fit. E.g if you feel police or solicitors are appropriate so be it.

Your threads remind me of another poster who had similar issues. She didn’t find a way through as she too had no support from her dh. It ended up with mil throwing all sorts of accusations around with professionals. So be honest (as you plan to be) and explain what’s happening to the hv etc.

Your mil is going to create a self fulfilling prophecy isn’t she “look the nasty girl has left you and taken your children” when it’s her making (arguably his for not having a back bone).