Inlaws part 3: she is controlling, what do I do now.

[InlawIssuesAgain]

Background from other threads: MIL and extended family kept pushing me for visits after my twins were out of the nicu after I nearly died, one of them may have a disability as oxygen starvation occurred. Told family this and that we didn't want long visits. Said they could come for two hours and asked them to show up on time as they are often late. MIL went absolutely crazy and became abusive.

So now I need advice. MIL is saying she will check in on DH daily. She's sent a string of abusive messages to him claiming I'm untrustworthy, manipulative. She's told him to go on my phone while I'm asleep and delete anything incriminating about her and to delete the messages she sends him so that I can't see them. She keeps saying I am planning to leave DH and that I'm trying to take the kids away from him.

I went mad and said to DH that she's trying to drive a wedge between us and she's trying to turn him against me. DH has claimed I'm paranoid and she is just upset.

How do I deal with this woman intruding when her son doesn't think it's as much of an issue as I do? I feel like I'm being bullied by her.

I think your plan to go NC and tell your HV about all of this is really positive OP.

Your very young and vulnerable twins won't be going anywhere without you and if MIL can't be respectful towards you then she can't be around you and she is excluding herself from the twins. She is the one doing this, not you.

I'm sure your DH may like to feel that he's in the middle but by you going NC and refusing to be drawn into MILs dramas it leaves just him and her. You can't be in the middle if its one sided.

You are his DW focussing on being a brilliant DM to his DCs. You are saying nothing negative about MIL as you are not speaking about her at all. You can't do anymore than that.

If she changes her behaviour towards you and respects the boundaries you set as a DM then there is a way forward but it would do everyone some good to have a cooling off time.

You know what she is like and what she is capable of. Keep your powder dry. In the meanwhile by disengaging you are rising above it and are beyond reproach.

for you, Op. I agree with the PP who said to ignore everything your MIL says and change the subject. I know it isn't funny but maybe a tinkly little laugh with "Oh that MIL!" will make your DH see he can't provoke you. (My DD does this to me when I moan about my elderly narcissistic DM. "Oh, the 90's" she says. It stops me mid moan and I have to agree. )

As to the constant videotaping of your DC, you are right to say no. When videos are posted to social media, they stay there forever. Can you imagine future employers finding the videos of your DC having their nappies changed? Here's a link explaining why you don't want to post about your DC:

wellnessmama.com/77080/dont-post-about-my-kids-online/

Good luck, Op!

Thank you everyone. I'm still really upset by this however I will take all responses I to account and try to fix this as best I can

With the twins at her house, you have no right to break in I don't think. It'll be be like your an intruder, she can refuse to let you in, she can refuse to hand back the babies... God knows, until you go through the legal shambles, it'll be difficult. You don't need that extra hassle.
Your DH, strikes me as the type, push comes to shove he's supporting his mother. Not you or his kids.

Did you contact your health visitor OP?

Does you older child attend nursery or school? If so, you need to ensure that only you can collect them and if they use a password syatem, change the password, that way your older DC can’t be taken without your permission

Just helping you tie up loose ends...

Get passports for your children ASAP and keep them somewhere safe, such as at your mum’s house. I would be concerned about your in-laws trying to get passports for your children or your DH if your marriage doesn’t survive this.

Rang but my HV wasn't there so will try again tomorrow. DS1 goes to nursery bit MIL doesn't know where it is and isn't allowed to collect him. None of the kids have passports yet

I also think she's trying to frame is as me being unstable because I have social anxiety
I think that is her agenda too OP.

I come from an Indian background, and whilst i understand what your dh means when he says it's his 'culture', that isn't an excuse for allowing her to get away with this behaviour.
He's been conditioned to 'respect' his elders no matter what and always defer to them - especially his mother.
So even when he's 'standing up to her' he's only doing the bare minimum because it goes against all his conditioning to 'disrespect' her.

Your dh needs to understand that he chose to marry outside of his culture and religion, therefore he can't expect you to tolerate the bullshit the same way that an Indian woman would.
Mind you, even Indian women - especially the younger generations - refuse to put up with this shit anymore.

I'm glad you've decided to go completely NC with mil....you've taken yourself out of the equation.
Now your dh will be forced to deal with his batshit mother - or lose you and the dc.

Great post Can't. Unfortunately when you marry someone of a different culture, you're often told you've married into that and you have to put up with their expectations .

Wow! So you give birth and suffer a horrendous and traumatic birth, but he should be in bed while you wait on him? I would have burst out laughing when I heard this OP. That is a diliberate attempt to cause a argument between you and your DH IMO. Male PNP. Lmao. She sounds a bit loopy. Wonder if she read that in the daily fail? Is there ANY way you can just not talk about her at ALL so when she does start up she will look like the utter crazy cat that she is? Just blank her out...and wait. When she pounces laugh your head off! Just say "ah what's she like! On a serious note though DH she's doing my head in, sort her out or I will".

male PND typo

So sorry I didn't see last few posts for some unknown reason! Yes, NC sounds good

Love the way the DM gets blamed for everything!

I never understand on these threads why people engage, say No or Stop it and nothing else. You don't have to explain your decisions, I recall telling my Mother 'there are only two opinions that matter and your's isn't one of them'.

Unfortunately when you marry someone of a different culture, you're often told you've married into that and you have to put up with their expectations

Is one allowed to say that generally marrying into an Asian culture all the accommodating is one sided, you're not allowed to stand up for your culture. Maybe people ought to stand up and say 'I don't care what your culture does, in my culture we do this and as I'm making the decisions that's how it will be'.

Indian here.
Culture is a ridiculous excuse on your DHs part. Please dont buy into 'this is the culture youve married into so tough' malarkey. We have plenty of multicultural marriages in our extended family and i think we'd die of shame if we treated anyone like this!
Your MIL clearly doesnt like you for whatever reason. And she probably never will. She is a clear narcissist and you'd be better off NC with her.
Tell your DH you will no longer hear about her. And you dont want to speak about her.
You want to focus on your children and you have zero time and energy in crazy women, tough shit if its his mum, your children come first.

RupaulsGagRace

Totally agree with you!

Most cultures preach good manners kindness and tolerance - not selfishness

I echo the advice regarding the passports. Get them kept at your mums.
Don't let the babies spend alone times with the MIL.
You've done nothing wrong except marry someone you fell in love with. If that's a crime, I'm guilty too.
My friends grandson was removed from the UK without her sons permission by the boys mother and grandmother, the grandmother pulls all the strings and wouldnt just let them be a family unit. She destroyed their relationship and my friends son is in therapy and doesn't know if he's coming or going. It's really sad. Please don't let this be you. Send screenshots of everything from your accounts and phone, and from his if you can get access to it.

You can. Also tell your therapist and tell your GP. They can put it on record.