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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws part 3: she is controlling, what do I do now.

118 replies

InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 06:20

Background from other threads: MIL and extended family kept pushing me for visits after my twins were out of the nicu after I nearly died, one of them may have a disability as oxygen starvation occurred. Told family this and that we didn't want long visits. Said they could come for two hours and asked them to show up on time as they are often late. MIL went absolutely crazy and became abusive.

So now I need advice. MIL is saying she will check in on DH daily. She's sent a string of abusive messages to him claiming I'm untrustworthy, manipulative. She's told him to go on my phone while I'm asleep and delete anything incriminating about her and to delete the messages she sends him so that I can't see them. She keeps saying I am planning to leave DH and that I'm trying to take the kids away from him.

I went mad and said to DH that she's trying to drive a wedge between us and she's trying to turn him against me. DH has claimed I'm paranoid and she is just upset.

How do I deal with this woman intruding when her son doesn't think it's as much of an issue as I do? I feel like I'm being bullied by her.

OP posts:
LittleLannister · 28/01/2019 07:41

You only need to explain it once, if she can’t seem to grasp it then she might need assessing for dementia (that is the line that shit my DH up when I showed concern over his DM not getting that I don’t want or need her parenting advice or her constantly implying I had PND...) she’s now banned from my house, I don’t talk to her, she is blocked from my phone and if DH wants to see her he can, but funnily enough, he doesn’t tend to bother as she tries to slag me of every time...

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 07:43

if she can’t seem to grasp it then she might need assessing for dementia (that is the line that shit my DH up when I showed concern over his DM not getting that I don’t want or need her parenting advice or her constantly implying I had PND...)

I'll try this. She's always giving unsolicited advice too. DH says it shows she cares...

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 28/01/2019 07:45

Just don’t negotiate. DH can explain if he wishes. You don’t have to bother.

Weenurse · 28/01/2019 07:46

Remember immunisation excuse as well!

HettySunshine · 28/01/2019 07:48

Oh he'll op, your situation sounds bloody awful. I also had poorly twins, although mine 'only' needed 6 weeks in special care. My in-laws were wonderful, never came round without invitation, hosted us whenever we visited them and my mil used to take all our washing to her house, wash it, iron it and bring it back, she even bought a particular brand of powder for our washing so it didn't irritate my ds's skin.

This is what you you deserve, if you mil cannot treat you and your wishes with respect you have to break contact with her.

You should be enjoying this precious time with your babies and dh as a new little family, not worrying about your mil driving a wedge between you. I really hope you and dh manage to get through this together.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 07:50

Hetty your in laws sound lovely and I hope your twins are okay now :)

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 28/01/2019 07:50

When mil was a nightmare for us I just banned her name /any mention of her. No way was she intruding on my thoughts pp.
Dh agreed as she was affecting his mh too..
We are nc since ds was 3 months old.

EL2019 · 28/01/2019 07:54

I agree with others that you disengage from her. DH needs to deal with his own mother. That also means you don’t do the emoting for both of you.

Right now what’s happening

DH: MIL said this
You get angry and upset
DH: Calm down dear

It means that DH escapes having to feel his own hurt and anger because your expressing it for him. He then gets to be “the reasonable one”.

So change it to

DH: MIL said this
You: Oh ok / huh / meh
DH: (trying to get reaction) yes but she said this
You: Yes you said. What do you want for dinner? (Changing subject)
DH: Then she said this
You: OK, So about dinner, I was thinking...

It puts the emotional responsibility back on him to feel all that frustration.

It’s realky hard as he knows exactly how to get a rise out of you. But be strong! Be indifferent! Change the subject. Be a broken record “She’s welcome to come on her own for two hours” on repeat.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 28/01/2019 07:57

And as an aside, it's not "poor babies, no videos," because presumably you will film them yourselves, but just not plaster it all over Facebook.

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 07:58

EL2019 yes that's exactly it! He won't address it and like you say he probably won't while I'm getting upset with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 07:58

OhDearGod precisely. The reason I'm uncomfortable is because MIL tried to film me changing their nappies once.

OP posts:
MrsSpenserGregson · 28/01/2019 08:03

I've read all your threads but this is the first time I've commented. I'm sorry you've had such a tough time and I am keeping everything crossed that everything will be well for both your baby daughters.

I think the key thing here is the massive cultural difference, where your MIL expects everyone to defer to her, as she presumably had to do when she was a new mum herself. You aren't going to be able to change her attitude, and tbh your DH probably can't either (and is in an impossible situation really, as this is how he was raised too).

There is no solution here that keeps everyone happy - so for now I'd focus on you and your babies, and tell your DH to stop telling you what his mother is saying about you! Stick to your boundaries. Deal with the batshit-ness when you are stronger and your babies are immunised, a bit older and less vulnerable. I understand that your DH is having a tough time too, but he needs to be the buffer between you and MIL here. He needs to keep the crazy completely away from you and the babies.

GreenTulips · 28/01/2019 08:06

In that example your DH ducked out and threw you into her cage

He should’ve stuck to WE don’t want you to film - WE decided together - he opened up to argument to wiggle out of her wrath

I would have said afterwards - I thought we’d agreed? Why didn’t you say if you didn’t?

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 08:08

Green I said that. He said it's because his mum knew it wasn't him who cared about it.

OP posts:
namechanged2019 · 28/01/2019 08:18

@InlawIssuesAgain my MIL has always been a funny fker since day 1, but she always directed the abuse towards DH, the second she directed the abuse towards me he cut all contact with her as he said 'for her to disrespect you she is disrespecting out DD because she is only here because of you' which I agree with, your the mother of his children and he shouldn't let anyone disrespect you.

SapatSea · 28/01/2019 08:22

MrsSpencer has given good advice. My MIL was like this (ahd a similar situation) and she wasn't from an Asian background. Some people are just overbearing and make everything about them whether that means being in control, putting "stick about" or being the one "hard done by" getting sympathy. Your DH is no use to you as he is still living in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) about his mother. My H thought he was the one hard done by as he "was caught in the middle". He hasn't got your back.

You have to much to deal with right now, so stand your ground about contact, the "doctor's have said.... and I'm following that to the letter" is a good defense. When you and the babies are more settled think about and read up on how to deal with your MIL and go as low contact as you can. Don't fall into the trap I did of trying to placate and please everyone for the sake of future family relationships. I pleased no one, least of all myself and wish I'd stood my ground.

Good luck . All this MIL aggro is the last thing you need right now. You sound strong, hold on to that.

pandechocolate · 28/01/2019 08:25

Wow, this has seriously escalated from the last thread. So sorry OP. Your MIL, for lack of a better word, sounds like a fucking nutter.

Time to draw a line here. She is acting in a very strange obsessive way that would really worry me when it comes to being with the children anyway. Your DH needs to recognise the red flags and step in to protect his children from being drawn in to any of this toxicness. If he doesn't, I think you need to put your foot down.

I would also be having a Frank conversation with MIL if DH isn't willing to do it himself, even though it's his place to.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 28/01/2019 08:35

it wasn't dh who cared about her filming your baby daughters nappy change?? He didn't care that his children's private parts could end up on social media? Or at best passed around family members online?
What's the MATTER with this bloke?!

badirene · 28/01/2019 08:54

OP I am probably going to be torn to shreds for saying this but you are not taking this seriously enough.

Listen to what your MIL is saying, that you are going to take the babies away, that you are twisting things with your DH, she is projecting loud and clear what she wants to happen, she wants you out of the picture and those GC to herself.

Both your MIL and DH have made references to your mental health, that you are paranoid, about your anxiety, if this escalates what do you think your MIL is capable of? Will she report you as being unable to care for your DC, will she use your MH "problems" (in her mind) against you? She is telling your DH to delete msg off you phone, so then she can deny what was said, you are being set up to fall here and from what you have written you cannot count on your husband to support you. Take this seriously, reach out to your family and friends for real life support, it is no use starting threads here repeatedly to get support and confirmation that you are correct, that solves nothing in real life for you, get real life help.

I know you say that you do not want counselling and would rather forget the awful time of the birth of your DC but that is not what you only need counselling for, you need to step back and really start boxing clever with these in-laws.

snowball28 · 28/01/2019 09:07

Christ. Please please please listen to badirene I honestly think she’s got it spot on with what’s happening here, you need to be smart about this.

Jimjamjong · 28/01/2019 09:18

I think you have had lots of good advice, and I can only agree that you need to disengage. Block the MIL on your phone, tell DH to stop telling you what she says (if he wants to explain stuff to her he can do it but not tell you about it) and he has to enforce what you agreed if/when she comes (no videoing, time limit, etc...).
She is enjoying the drama because it gives her attention.

anotherwearytraveller · 28/01/2019 09:28

OP her behaviour is very sinister
Really seriously abusive and controlling and manipulative and if your DH is minimising it then you are very vulnerable

I’d write a list of what she has said/done and keep notes and copies of messages then get away for a bit- could you stay with your parents?

Until your DH acknowledges that his mother is trying to paint you as mentally unwell/incapable and split you up then he isn’t an ally to you

He is trying to smooth things over and isn’t seeing her bahaviour for what it is.
That is a huge red flag as he could easily start to believe her opinion of you and he ever have a disagreement or arguement and she gets involved.

I’d actually be quite scared if I was you and be seeking to get my own family involved and aware right now before it becomes your voice vs his family.

When your babies are older she will be having unsupervised time with them. You won’t have any say. Unless your DH starts standing up to her then it’s going to get much worse

Original poster
InlawIssuesAgain · 28/01/2019 09:33

badirene I have thought the exact same thing so it's interesting others here have come to that conclusion too. I'm convinced her plan is to split up me and DH and then access the kids that way.

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 28/01/2019 09:36

I think her behaviour is extremely worrying as well. I can't believe your "D"H sits there listening to her accusing you of plotting to take the babies away and tells him to mess around with your phone!

StreetwiseHercules · 28/01/2019 09:39

I’m a DH who has been in this situation. My mother has always been difficult (pushy, controlling, nothing ever quite good enough) but we all got along ok.

After our first child came along she escalated and was really weird and difficult to deal with. I think she feared the loss of attention and control she felt she had previously as I prioritised my wife and child very much above all else.

My DF also some behaviour quirks shall we say in terms of emotional manipulation. And he does her bidding and can’t be trusted.

I had a decision to make. We have been NC for over 4 years now. Have tried to make peace a couple of times but they would only accept complete submission - zero compromise. So we remain NC and I can’t see it ever changing.

It is hard for me, but it is the right thing for my family. I don’t get to see my children interacting with my family. My children have GPs whom they will never know. I have to carry that every day, never knowing what will come next. It never goes away.

But it is the right thing. And there are upsides too. If I’m being totally honest being out from under their eye and sphere of influence is liberating. I don’t have to deal with their demands to visit this person, visit that person or the huffiness that came with displeasing them in any way.

I feel free. But I’m not really.

OP, it sounds like your DH has a decision to make.